Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5481 Oct 30, 2012

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked,''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said,''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said,''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says,''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5482 Oct 30, 2012
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5483 Oct 30, 2012
One day in a small redneck town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender in an empty bar. As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool.
The bartender walked over them looked at the first duck and said,''How was your day?''

''Not too bad, since I was in and out of puddles all day,'' replied the duck.
''What is your name?'' the bartender asked.
''Hewy, and I'll have a beer.''

The bartender asks the next duck the same question and gets the same answer, that his day was pretty good because he was in and out of puddles all day, and his name was Dewy.

The bartender looks at the third duck and says,''Let me guess your name is Lewy'' The duck looked up at him with a tired look on his face and said,''My name is puddles, and don't ask me how my bloody day was!''

Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.

#5484 Oct 31, 2012
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."



Level 9

Since: Jul 11

.

#5485 Nov 2, 2012
A couple of blonde hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly falls down. She doesn't seem to be breathing, her eyes are rolled up. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and dials 911. She gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What shall I do?" The operator says in a calm soothing voice, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's dead."

There is silence, then a shot is heard... The blonde says "Okay, now what?"

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5486 Nov 2, 2012
If a guy throws sodium chloride at me, is that a salt?

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5487 Nov 2, 2012
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn't reach that far.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Lafayette, IN

#5488 Nov 3, 2012
----------

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5489 Nov 3, 2012
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

“More Brains Than .....”

Level 6

Since: Sep 11

..a Zombie Thanksgiving

#5490 Nov 3, 2012
Why is being an egg so hard?

You only get laid once.

You only get hard once.

And the only one to sit on your face is your Mom.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5491 Nov 4, 2012
I'm kinda bored with my web browser and asked the kid down at the computer store what he would recommend. He said "Google chrome."

Well, I did, and all I got was a bunch of crappy web sites that sell car parts.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5492 Nov 4, 2012
Now pay attention 007. This may look like an ordinary pen, but turn it upside down and the woman's clothes fall off.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5493 Nov 4, 2012
Now pay attention 007. Push that button on the suitcase and a handle pops out and you can wheel it around.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Lafayette, IN

#5494 Nov 4, 2012
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Level 2

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#5495 Nov 4, 2012
I um.... caught wind... of a hurricane Sandy joke.
What do Snookie and hurricane Sandy have in common?
Theyll both blow the entire east coast to get on telly!
Hoosier Hillbilly

Lafayette, IN

#5496 Nov 5, 2012
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5497 Nov 5, 2012
THE WILL

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a Will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the Attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5498 Nov 6, 2012
I suck at blowing up balloons... that's probably why I can't do it.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5499 Nov 6, 2012
I stopped at a pedistrian crossing today to let an old woman cross the road.

"Could you walk any slower?" I roared out the window. "Get a f*cking move on, you old biddy!"

"What an ill-mannered young man!" She spat. "People like you shouldn't be allowed on the road."

And I yelled "Well, we'll let the examiner decide that when I've finished, won't we?"

“I'm not listening.”

Level 9

Since: Feb 10

Hannacroix, NY

#5500 Nov 7, 2012
When asked his opinion on Rowe vs wade.... Obama responded, I don't care how they get out of NYC.

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