Come on...Tell me a joke

Since: Oct 07

Grovetown, GA

#5361 Oct 11, 2012
DANGEROUS FOOD
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,'Wedding Cake.'

Vee

“Happeeeeeee 2016!!!!!!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#5362 Oct 11, 2012
Brigitte I love these jokes!!!! Thanks for sharing the laughs. Where do you come up with all this funny stuff?????

Since: Oct 07

Grovetown, GA

#5363 Oct 11, 2012
Vee wrote:
Brigitte I love these jokes!!!! Thanks for sharing the laughs. Where do you come up with all this funny stuff?????
From the kindness of my friends!!!! LOL!!

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5364 Oct 12, 2012
Looks like the French finally found someone they could win a war against: A guy with one testicle.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5365 Oct 12, 2012
The cashier scanned the ballcap I was buying and said "Okay, that'll be $20." Surprised, I pointed to the sticker on the cap and said "But it says $10."

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually $20."

"Fine," I said, and handed her the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me," she said, "but this is a $10 bill."

"Yes, I know it says $10 but it is actually a 20."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5366 Oct 12, 2012
**********
Campbells is coming out with soup for seniors = large print alphabet soup.
*********

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5367 Oct 12, 2012
I read that the Icelandic alphabet doesn't have a 'Z' in it. How do the people there sleep at night?

Since: Oct 07

Grovetown, GA

#5368 Oct 12, 2012
How does an american search for a rabbit ? He imitates the sound of a carrot.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Roanoke, IN

#5369 Oct 13, 2012
Ole and Sven are walking down a street in Minocqua , WI , when they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 per pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take 'em back ta Dulute, sell 'em to our friends, n make a fortune. Now when we go in der, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do da talkin cuz if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink we're ignrant n try to cheat us. No way, dey'll know we're from Minnesota ."

They go in and Ole says with his best "Wisconsin" accent, "I'll take 50 of those suits at $5.00 each, 100 of those shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota , ain't you?"

"Vell...yeah," says a surprised Ole, How'd ya know dat!?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners......

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5370 Oct 13, 2012
Iím not old, Iím chronologically gifted.

Level 1

Since: Dec 10

La Porte, TX

#5371 Oct 13, 2012
quilterqueen wrote:
Iím not old, Iím chronologically gifted.
I like that one. I'll be anle to use it very shortly!! LOL

Level 1

Since: Dec 10

La Porte, TX

#5372 Oct 13, 2012
It's "ABLE", not anle.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Roanoke, IN

#5373 Oct 13, 2012
THANK GOODNESS. I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME.

Whew! What a relief to learn this...

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

It's not aging, it's the door! Thank goodness for studies like this.

Level 1

Since: Dec 10

La Porte, TX

#5374 Oct 13, 2012
Hoosier Hillbilly wrote:
THANK GOODNESS. I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME.
Whew! What a relief to learn this...
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
It's not aging, it's the door! Thank goodness for studies like this.
FYI Studies have also shown that for some people it's their butts!!!

Just as soon as they sit back down they remember what they had originally gotten up for!!!

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5375 Oct 13, 2012
Best Quality

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body ?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your
sense of humor ?


Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5376 Oct 13, 2012
A Bra

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.

Husband: Why ? You have nothing to put in it !
Wife: Well, You wear shorts !


Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5377 Oct 13, 2012


Talking

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex ?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5378 Oct 13, 2012
Helicopter Problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5379 Oct 13, 2012
Choking Procedure
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5380 Oct 13, 2012
Marriage Lies
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

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