Come on...Tell me a joke

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5321 Oct 6, 2012
A girl is standing at the Pearly Gates when she hears horrible screams coming from inside. She asks St Peter "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "Well... I've already got holes for that."

“Want A Friend, Be One..”

Level 9

Since: Mar 12

We All Could Use A Friend!!

#5322 Oct 6, 2012
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it ,slammed it shut again.Angrily ,back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,Here she came out again. marched to themailbox,opened it and then slammered it closed harder then ever.Puzzled by her actions the mansasked her,is something wrong?:To which she replied ! There certainly is !! My stupid computer keeps saying ..You;ve got mail!!!!

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5323 Oct 6, 2012
Hoof Arted wrote:
<quoted text>
My buddy says he wishes his cat would stop thinking outside the box.
Are ya sure he said "thinking"?

“Want A Friend, Be One..”

Level 9

Since: Mar 12

We All Could Use A Friend!!

#5324 Oct 6, 2012
the blonde told the receptionist cant call 911 why duh theres no 11 button on the stupid phone!!!

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5325 Oct 6, 2012
You know it's going to be a bad day when you accidentally run over your dogma with your karma.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5326 Oct 6, 2012
I get so mad when people call me illiterate. I know who my parents are, dammit!

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5327 Oct 6, 2012
I have a tattoo that says, "No Pain, No G..."

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5328 Oct 6, 2012
Alabama State Motto: 5 million people, 15 last names.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5329 Oct 7, 2012
I suspect it's humiliating to stand in a shopping mall and beg for change. That's why, before I hand over my 50˘ or whatever, I make the guy do a little dance for me and my buddies. That way, he has earned the money by providing a service and gains a little self respect.

PESCreate

“Just a lil' humor there.....”

Since: Sep 12

OR NOT .... <[;-)

#5330 Oct 7, 2012
Two cowboys wer talking. One said, "My name is Tex."

The second one asked, "Are you from Texas?"

"No, I'm from Louisiana, but who wants to be called Louise?"
:)

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5331 Oct 7, 2012
*******

I was always taught to respect my elders. Now I don’t have anyone to respect.

**********

I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs. She said,“Depends.”

**********
Hoosier Hillbilly

Wolflake, IN

#5332 Oct 7, 2012
Since it's Sunday 'i'll keep'm clean:
Why Go to Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church,
to which he replied, "I'm not going." Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they
began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't
know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door
and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to
bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin'
I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve
Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegasand Atlantic City ,
the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the
Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,'Today is just as good as any to have the
old goat for dinner.' "
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Wolflake, IN

#5333 Oct 7, 2012
Since it's Sunday 'i'll keep'm clean:
Why Go to Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church,
to which he replied, "I'm not going." Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they
began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't
know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door
and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to
bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin'
I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve
Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegasand Atlantic City ,
the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the
Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5334 Oct 7, 2012
Lord, give me patience. Because if you give me strength, I'm gonna need bail momey to go with it.

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5335 Oct 7, 2012
edit (sp) bail money
Hoosier Hillbilly

Wolflake, IN

#5336 Oct 7, 2012
'i' like that one-been there-done-that!

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5337 Oct 7, 2012
Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5338 Oct 7, 2012
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your ????( it is Sunday ) with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Level 5

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#5339 Oct 7, 2012
These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999

And ... drum roll .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5340 Oct 7, 2012
A guy walks up to Kurt Elling, who is playing a jazz gig, and whispers "I heard Wynton Marsalis died. Fell off a bridge in Indiana."

Elling stared off into the distance for a second, then looked a the guy and said "Get lost you lying bastard. Everybody knows there's no bridge in "Indiana."

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