“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5278 Oct 1, 2012
IReasonablyI wrote:
<quoted text>
Do you know why these jokes are normally one liners?
So the rest of us may remember them.
My boyfriend is a vegetarian. He said that I'm not a real animal lover, because I eat meat, and that if I really loved animals, I would only eat lettuce, vegetables, and grains.
I said, "If you really loved animals, you'd stop eating all their food."
LOVE...IT!!! I can't WAIT to use that next time some vegan gets all uppity at me LOL

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5279 Oct 1, 2012
hoppydankle wrote:
Ok time for a little off color...no offense to anyone...
Two gays and two lesbians were going on a trip. Which couple would make it to the airport first?
The lesbians. They'd get there lickety split while the gays were poke assing around.
OR...you could say the gays cause they already got their shit packed....
Oh lord I'm sorry...
I've heard that joke before, only they were racing from NYC to LA.
The lesbians won cuz they did 69 the whole way while the gay guys were still home packing their shit.
Although my wife came up with a good answer; the gay guys lost cuz they blew a rod on the way. lol

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5280 Oct 1, 2012
Two young boys were playing one-on-one street hockey one day in Toronto when a rottweiler comes out of nowhere and attacks on one the kids. His friend immediately started whacking the dog with his stick and ultimately killed it, saving his friend from a mauling.
A reporter from the Sun saw the whole thing and rushed over to the two young lads. He said to the boy that saved his friend, "That was very brave what you did there. I'm a reporter and I'd like to write your story in the paper, is that ok with you?" The kid says, "Sure" so the reporter asks, "Ok first, how about this headline.'Brave, young Leafs fan saves friend from rabid dog'??
The kid replies, "I'm not a Leafs fan." The reporter apologizes and asks, "How about 'Brave, young Blue Jays fan saves friend from rabid dog'?"
The kid responds, "I'm not a Jays fan."
The reporter finally asks the kid who his favourite team is. The kid tells him, "The Montreal Canadiennes".

The next day in the Toronto Sun the Headline read: Little French bastard murderes beloved family pet.
Hoosier Hillbilly

New Salisbury, IN

#5281 Oct 2, 2012
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied,'' Vietnam ''.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5282 Oct 2, 2012
**********

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

**********

“Don't Worry Be Happy”

Level 9

Since: Mar 12

And Don't Forget To Smile:o)

#5283 Oct 2, 2012
What he sets free is free indeed!!!Thats true QQ..

Level 8

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#5284 Oct 2, 2012
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5285 Oct 2, 2012
Before the big public relations overhaul, the Tooth Fairy was known as the Grin Reaper.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5286 Oct 2, 2012
I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
bigbadbarn

Essendon, Australia

#5287 Oct 2, 2012
Hoof Arted wrote:
I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
Vegetarian is old Aboriginal word that translates as "crappy hunter "

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5288 Oct 3, 2012
I always thought my parents were overprotective, watching me cross the road every time I went out... But then I found out about the bet.
Hoosier Hillbilly

New Salisbury, IN

#5289 Oct 3, 2012

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#5290 Oct 3, 2012
A preacher was at the pulpit exclaiming the goodness in the world.
"Everything has something good about it."
An old farmer raised his hand and asked, "Oh, yeh? What's good about a chigger?"
The preacher smiled, leaned closer to the microphone and said, "It's good that it isn't the size of a bulldog."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#5291 Oct 3, 2012
My buddy said he is glad his wife bought a new treadmill because she burns a few extra calories off each day....

When she has to walk around it to open the curtains.

“Don't Worry Be Happy”

Level 9

Since: Mar 12

And Don't Forget To Smile:o)

#5292 Oct 3, 2012
After The christening of his baby brother in church,Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.His father asked him three times what was wrong,finally the boy replied that the preacher said he wanted us brought up in a christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys!!!Got to love the children..

“Seriously guys...”

Level 3

Since: May 12

Regina

#5293 Oct 3, 2012
When I was growing up and went to Sunday school in Windsor, across from Detroit, I knew that at some point my church going days would end.

Our Sunday school teacher was telling us about how God made the world in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested. She then went on to say, "As proof, you can see Michigan looks like a hand in a mitten". That's where God leaned his hand against when he finished."

I then asked my Sunday school teacher to explain why Florida looked the way it did.
bigbadbarn

Essendon, Australia

#5294 Oct 3, 2012
Did you haer about the Cannibal passed his brother on a jungle track??
bigbadbarn

Essendon, Australia

#5295 Oct 3, 2012
Whaddbout the 5 leppers playing poker....one threw his hand in and another larfed his head off

“It's all part of my charm.....”

Level 8

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#5296 Oct 4, 2012
The Brunette and the Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

“It's all part of my charm.....”

Level 8

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#5297 Oct 4, 2012
Entertainment at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center

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