Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4551 Jun 17, 2012
Google is like a girlfriend.

It won't let you finish a sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Marengo, IN

#4552 Jun 17, 2012
Hoof Arted you seem to 'favor' blonde jokes:therefore:

Ops! lost it, be right back!!!
Hoosier Hillbilly

Marengo, IN

#4553 Jun 17, 2012
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that

expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a

call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining

that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still

hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,.........just because I'm blonde

doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just

what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE

YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's

been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end

of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet

he felt like an idiot.

Las Vegas, NV

#4554 Jun 17, 2012
An oldie but goodie
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said,'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested,'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said,'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied,'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4555 Jun 17, 2012
My buddy asked his girlfriend to marry him but she turned him down. Said in her family, they only marry relatives. Her mom, for example, married her dad, her uncle married her aunt, etc etc.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4556 Jun 17, 2012
Look up "rib" in the dictionary and it says "To vex, irritate or annoy."

Look up "rib" in the Bible and it says "Woman."


Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4557 Jun 17, 2012
A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings. If they're behind her ears, for example, she likes you.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Marengo, IN

#4558 Jun 17, 2012
"U"r gona like this one...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#4559 Jun 17, 2012
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
Hoosier Hillbilly

Marengo, IN

#4560 Jun 17, 2012
Yep! this is 'me'.

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

“I call it as I see it.”

Level 8

Since: Jul 09

Retirement City

#4561 Jun 17, 2012
Hoof Arted wrote:
Some people who are against gays say ''In Genesis, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.'' I googled that, and it's wrong.
Genesis included Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford, Tony Banks, Peter Gabriel, and Steve Hackett.
What! No Madam and Eve?

United States

#4562 Jun 18, 2012
As a long haul truck driver, the man spent many weeks away from his family.

When he did return home, he was anxiously greeted by his wife and seven kids.

They lived in a small house, and they even shared their bedroom with a couple of their kids, so having sex was a little difficult. They came up with a coded phrase "let's do the laundry" so they both knew what would come next.

As they settled in that night, the man was feeling frisky and nudged his wife and whispered, "Honey, you wanna do the laundry?" She turned him down saying the kids have run her ragged all day and she had a headache.

The husband let it be and rolled over.

After about thirty minutes, the woman started feeling bad about turning him down. After all, he is her husband. He spends all day and night driving that big rig for weeks to provide for his family. The least she could do is give him a little.

She nudged her husband and asked, "Honey, you still wanna do the laundry?"

He replied, "Nah, it was just a small load and I did it by hand."

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#4563 Jun 18, 2012
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

“Slicing Through the B.S.”

Level 3

Since: Aug 09

Wanna touch my Katana?

#4564 Jun 18, 2012
Hoof Arted wrote:
My buddy was trying to explain to me how much money I could make by buying stocks in investment banking. I didn't believe what he told me, though.
Maybe he should not have tried explaining in Lehman terms.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4565 Jun 18, 2012
I saw a sign laying on the floor that said "Found" so I handed in at the "Lost and."

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4566 Jun 18, 2012
Exams are like girls: they ask too many questions and are hard to understand... but it feels good when you've nailed one.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4567 Jun 18, 2012
I went to the local hardware store and asked the young girl behind the desk if they had any 8mm bolts.

"Dunno." she said, "I'm gonna go axe the boss."

I quickly grabbed a hammer off a nearby shelf and took her down before she could carry out her murderous rampage.

Level 8

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#4568 Jun 18, 2012
Sex is a lot like a rollercoaster ... two hours of waiting, one minute of pleasure, and then the rest of the day bragging to your buddies about how great it was.
Hoosier Hillbilly

Marengo, IN

#4569 Jun 18, 2012
Grandkids-don't just laugh @ some things they say,
write'm down-so you can review them:
with them when their teenagers and then adults if you live that long-it'l put'm in their place!

What Is Butt Dust??
*** just be patient 'U'll see ***

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked:'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night.'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said,'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied,'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story . His dad read:'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget ...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Level 8

Since: Mar 12

Location hidden

#4570 Jun 18, 2012
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait following "Desert Storm" and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman

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