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“Truth, Justice”

Since: Dec 07

and the American Way

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#1
Jan 30, 2008
 

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A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

Since: Sep 07

Coxsackie, NY

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#2
Jan 30, 2008
 

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In pre-K my daughter got in trouble for resisting a rest.

Since: Sep 07

Coxsackie, NY

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#3
Jan 30, 2008
 

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In Kindergarten Naja had a cross-eyed teacher. A waste of a school year. The woman couldn't control her pupils.

Since: Sep 07

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#4
Jan 30, 2008
 

Since: Sep 07

Coxsackie, NY

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#5
Jan 30, 2008
 

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Now Naja's in first grade. Her teacher takes attendance three times a day. She's real absent minded.

“New & Improved..”

Level 8

Since: Oct 07

Formerly From Kenya

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#6
Jan 30, 2008
 

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I was censored!
Ok I'll try another,

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may
speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,
“Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the
Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

“1943-2013”

Level 10

Since: Apr 07

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#7
Jan 30, 2008
 

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What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA
fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...

“1943-2013”

Level 10

Since: Apr 07

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#8
Jan 30, 2008
 

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What's a Yankee?

The same thing as a Quickie

but a guy can do it alone

“....VETS”

Level 9

Since: Jan 08

WELCOME HOME

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#9
Jan 30, 2008
 

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Jesus enters the tavern and the door blows open again after he had closed , the innkeeper shouts

"close the door where were you born in a barn"

“New & Improved..”

Level 8

Since: Oct 07

Formerly From Kenya

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#10
Jan 30, 2008
 

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One day, Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser
and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little
wink and a smile as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"

Level 1

Since: Aug 07

Warren, MI

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#11
Jan 31, 2008
 

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This panicked man runs into an animal hospital holding his limp, unmoving dog in his arms. He screams at the veterinarian,“Help me! My dog is sick!”

The vet takes one look at the dog and says,“I’m sorry sir, but your dog is dead.”

The man, in disbelief, yells,“You didn’t even do anything. How do you know my dog is dead?”

The vet then directs the man to a room and tells the man to put his dog on the table. The veterinarian then leaves the room. A few moments pass and the vet returns with a house cat. The cat jumps on the table and sniffs at the dog. The cat paws at the lifeless creature. The cat then lets out a sad meow and leaves the room. The vet leaves with the cat. A few more moments go by and the vet returns with a Labrador Retriever. The Labrador Retriever does the same thing, jumps on the table, paws and sniffs at the lifeless dog, lets out a sad yelp and leaves the room. The vet leaves with him. The vet then returns. In his hand he is holding a piece of paper. He hands the paper to the man and says,“It is like I told you sir, your dog is dead. I am sorry for your loss.” The shocked man looks down at the paper in his hand and totally freaks out,“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO TELL ME MY DOG IS DEAD?!”

“Well sir, if you had listened to me in the first place, it would have been fifty, but you wanted the CAT scan and lab tests.”
beatlesinthebog

New Zealand

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#12
Jan 31, 2008
 
justaguess wrote:
One day, Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser
and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little
wink and a smile as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"
HoHoHo!!!!!!!!!!

“"Eatin' Ain't Cheatin!"”

Level 1

Since: Sep 06

Thompson's Station, Tn

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#13
Jan 31, 2008
 

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THIS IS GREAT!!! KEEP IT ALIVE!
Dan

Billerica, MA

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#14
Jan 31, 2008
 

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The setting: Old town Alaska mining town.

One day Ole ugly Larry come walking into the only bar in town with a big grin on his face.

The bartender says “What’s with that big grin on your face?”

Ugly Larry says “I found this girl tied up on the rail road tracks!”

The bartender inquires “Yeah, so what happened?”

Ugly Larry tells him “Well, I untied her and we went back to my cabin. And we made love all afternoon. First she was on top, then I was on top, then I took her from behind, heck we even did it sideways!’

The bartender asks Ugly Larry “Well, was she pretty?”

Ugly Larry replied “Don’t know… Never found her head.”

“Runs Like a Deere”

Since: Jan 07

Rome, GA

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#15
Jan 31, 2008
 

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A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer dro ve up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and Take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get on his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

I love this part..........

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Dan

Billerica, MA

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#16
Jan 31, 2008
 

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Hillery Rodham Clinton
Dan

Billerica, MA

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#17
Jan 31, 2008
 

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Ron Paul

“New & Improved..”

Level 8

Since: Oct 07

Formerly From Kenya

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#18
Jan 31, 2008
 

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

~justaguess is sorry for the gender jumping~
Marilyn

Circleville, OH

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#19
Jan 31, 2008
 

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LMAO.... all my funny favs here...Skipper, Justa, O', Hipp, LL, Tallyho, TBT..

Mo res you're being lazy, and MH is along for the ride? LOL Just like me... thanks, keep it up....

<Blowing kisses>

(No, MH...JUST kisses)

“New & Improved..”

Level 8

Since: Oct 07

Formerly From Kenya

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#21
Jan 31, 2008
 

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I really have to be getting to Cleveland right now.

Cleveland??

Ok, I have time for one more.

~J is always late~

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

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