Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
One day, Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink and a smile as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"
This panicked man runs into an animal hospital holding his limp, unmoving dog in his arms. He screams at the veterinarian,“Help me! My dog is sick!”
The vet takes one look at the dog and says,“I’m sorry sir, but your dog is dead.”
The man, in disbelief, yells,“You didn’t even do anything. How do you know my dog is dead?”
The vet then directs the man to a room and tells the man to put his dog on the table. The veterinarian then leaves the room. A few moments pass and the vet returns with a house cat. The cat jumps on the table and sniffs at the dog. The cat paws at the lifeless creature. The cat then lets out a sad meow and leaves the room. The vet leaves with the cat. A few more moments go by and the vet returns with a Labrador Retriever. The Labrador Retriever does the same thing, jumps on the table, paws and sniffs at the lifeless dog, lets out a sad yelp and leaves the room. The vet leaves with him. The vet then returns. In his hand he is holding a piece of paper. He hands the paper to the man and says,“It is like I told you sir, your dog is dead. I am sorry for your loss.” The shocked man looks down at the paper in his hand and totally freaks out,“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO TELL ME MY DOG IS DEAD?!”
“Well sir, if you had listened to me in the first place, it would have been fifty, but you wanted the CAT scan and lab tests.”
One day, Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink and a smile as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!"
One day Ole ugly Larry come walking into the only bar in town with a big grin on his face.
The bartender says “What’s with that big grin on your face?”
Ugly Larry says “I found this girl tied up on the rail road tracks!”
The bartender inquires “Yeah, so what happened?”
Ugly Larry tells him “Well, I untied her and we went back to my cabin. And we made love all afternoon. First she was on top, then I was on top, then I took her from behind, heck we even did it sideways!’
The bartender asks Ugly Larry “Well, was she pretty?”
Ugly Larry replied “Don’t know… Never found her head.”
A Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer dro ve up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and Take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get on his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
I love this part..........
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."