Ask IXSatanXI Advice Column

Ask IXSatanXI Advice Column

Posted in the Topix Forum

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Handmaiden Of Satan

United States

#1 Mar 15, 2011
Welcome to the "Ask IXSatanXI" Advice Column.

IXSatanXI will share his timely insights about love, relationships, and handy cleaning tips!
Handmaiden Of Satan

United States

#2 Mar 15, 2011
Here's our first letter:

Dear Satan,

Sometimes when I post on Topix.com , I feel like I'm eating a York Peppermint Patty - Whoooooohhhh, I get that cool sensation like someone is shoving an icicle up my butt. Brrrrrrrr!!!!! What can I do when the ice finally melts?

Thanks - "Ice Station Zero"
Venus de Milo

Frisco, TX

#3 Mar 15, 2011
Dear Satan,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!

Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.

My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?

Help!

Sincerely,

Lady With A Duck Problem

Area51alert
Level 6

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#4 Mar 15, 2011
Is PT growing corns up his nose from all the foot massages he gives to feet?
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

#5 Mar 15, 2011
is Mrs area 51 growing warts up her hoo ha from all the unwashed hot dogs she shoves in it?

Area51alert
Level 6

Since: Jan 11

Location hidden

#6 Mar 15, 2011
Perry Noid wrote:
is Mrs area 51 growing warts up her hoo ha from all the unwashed hot dogs she shoves in it?
Have a great day Perry!
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

#7 Mar 15, 2011
I will!
Dty Deeds Done W Sheep

United States

#8 Mar 15, 2011
Dear Satan,

My girlfriend and I met at a doughnut bakery where we both work.

Though I am a master baker, I was having a hard time making my dough rise. My girlfriend tugs it and pulls it and kneads it, and eventually we can pop it in the fryer.

I started raking Viagra, and now my girlfriend will toss the doughnuts on my wang like she's playing horseshoes. Is this too kinky in a business setting?

Sincerely,

Master Baker

_Virginia_
Level 5

Since: Apr 10

Location hidden

#9 Mar 15, 2011
Don't mess with Satan, PT.

This is my only warning to you on this.
Nobody Cares Ginny

Fullerton, CA

#10 Mar 15, 2011
_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
Go to bed you dingbat. Alone.

_Virginia_
Level 5

Since: Apr 10

Location hidden

#11 Mar 15, 2011
Nobody Cares Ginny wrote:
<quoted text>
Go to bed you dingbat. Alone.
The person alone every single night, is you PT. Spilling your hatred all over these Topix boards, poor old thing.

And you are wrong here. I and the Topix Keepers care that you are attacking Satan here, as do others.
You have messed up, big time. You will face the consequences.
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

#12 Mar 15, 2011
_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
How is The PT messing with him vag?

_Virginia_
Level 5

Since: Apr 10

Location hidden

#13 Mar 15, 2011
Perry Noid wrote:
<quoted text>
How is The PT messing with him vag?
You are the PT, as everyone knows. I am not going to answer your delusions. Let Topix answer for them.

They already have, by tolerating you.
Handmaiden of Satan

United States

#14 Mar 15, 2011
_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
Virginia, go away from this thread please.

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

#15 Mar 16, 2011
Venus de Milo wrote:
Dear Satan,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!
Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.
My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?
Help!
Sincerely,
Lady With A Duck Problem
Dear Venus,

My advice would be stop doing your boyfriend from behind. You will never see the duck, and the guys he got it for probably love it.

Don't forget to order the Vag-O-Matic self lubricant to stimulate your Vag-O-Matic experience.

Thanks for your contribution,

Satan

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

#16 Mar 16, 2011
Dty Deeds Done W Sheep wrote:
Dear Satan,
My girlfriend and I met at a doughnut bakery where we both work.
Though I am a master baker, I was having a hard time making my dough rise. My girlfriend tugs it and pulls it and kneads it, and eventually we can pop it in the fryer.
I started raking Viagra, and now my girlfriend will toss the doughnuts on my wang like she's playing horseshoes. Is this too kinky in a business setting?
Sincerely,
Master Baker
Dear Mr. Deeds,

Lot's of people do interesting things to keep the work day flowing. I say keep it up *snort* and if you can have fun and earn a buck at the same time go for it.

Also, thanks for answering my question to you about the cream filling and how it get's in there.

Thanks for your contribution,

Satan

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

#17 Mar 16, 2011
Venus de Milo wrote:
Dear Satan,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!
Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.
My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?
Help!
Sincerely,
Lady With A Duck Problem
Also, we have a strict NO REFUND policy. The Vag-O-Matic is never defective.

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

#18 Mar 16, 2011
_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
It's ok Vag. Have fun with it. I don't see any harm done. I will probably do more harm with my advice lol.

Besides, people who ask Satan for advice should just expect to get what they get.

Since: May 10

Location hidden

#19 Mar 16, 2011
Sorry, but this is funny.

_Virginia_
Level 5

Since: Apr 10

Location hidden

#20 Mar 16, 2011
IXSatanXI wrote:
<quoted text>
It's ok Vag. Have fun with it. I don't see any harm done. I will probably do more harm with my advice lol.
Besides, people who ask Satan for advice should just expect to get what they get.
True. Good. I was thinking the PT got too big for their britches, she keeps thinking the Topix boards are her playground, she doesn't understand that she can also be the ball.

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