Ask IXSatanXI Advice Column

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Handmaiden Of Satan

Sedona, AZ

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#1
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Welcome to the "Ask IXSatanXI" Advice Column.

IXSatanXI will share his timely insights about love, relationships, and handy cleaning tips!
Handmaiden Of Satan

Sedona, AZ

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#2
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Here's our first letter:

Dear Satan,

Sometimes when I post on Topix.com , I feel like I'm eating a York Peppermint Patty - Whoooooohhhh, I get that cool sensation like someone is shoving an icicle up my butt. Brrrrrrrr!!!!! What can I do when the ice finally melts?

Thanks - "Ice Station Zero"
Venus de Milo

North Richland Hills, TX

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#3
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Dear Satan,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!

Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.

My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?

Help!

Sincerely,

Lady With A Duck Problem

Level 6

Since: Jan 11

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#4
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Is PT growing corns up his nose from all the foot massages he gives to feet?
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

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#5
Mar 15, 2011
 

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is Mrs area 51 growing warts up her hoo ha from all the unwashed hot dogs she shoves in it?

Level 6

Since: Jan 11

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#6
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Perry Noid wrote:
is Mrs area 51 growing warts up her hoo ha from all the unwashed hot dogs she shoves in it?
Have a great day Perry!
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

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#7
Mar 15, 2011
 
I will!
Dty Deeds Done W Sheep

Richardson, TX

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#8
Mar 15, 2011
 
Dear Satan,

My girlfriend and I met at a doughnut bakery where we both work.

Though I am a master baker, I was having a hard time making my dough rise. My girlfriend tugs it and pulls it and kneads it, and eventually we can pop it in the fryer.

I started raking Viagra, and now my girlfriend will toss the doughnuts on my wang like she's playing horseshoes. Is this too kinky in a business setting?

Sincerely,

Master Baker

Level 5

Since: Apr 10

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#9
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Don't mess with Satan, PT.

This is my only warning to you on this.
Nobody Cares Ginny

Fullerton, CA

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#10
Mar 15, 2011
 

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_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
Go to bed you dingbat. Alone.

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#11
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Nobody Cares Ginny wrote:
<quoted text>
Go to bed you dingbat. Alone.
The person alone every single night, is you PT. Spilling your hatred all over these Topix boards, poor old thing.

And you are wrong here. I and the Topix Keepers care that you are attacking Satan here, as do others.
You have messed up, big time. You will face the consequences.
Perry Noid

Oceanside, CA

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#12
Mar 15, 2011
 

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_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
How is The PT messing with him vag?

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#13
Mar 15, 2011
 

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Perry Noid wrote:
<quoted text>
How is The PT messing with him vag?
You are the PT, as everyone knows. I am not going to answer your delusions. Let Topix answer for them.

They already have, by tolerating you.
Handmaiden of Satan

Richardson, TX

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#14
Mar 15, 2011
 

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_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
Virginia, go away from this thread please.

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

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#15
Mar 16, 2011
 
Venus de Milo wrote:
Dear Satan,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!
Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.
My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?
Help!
Sincerely,
Lady With A Duck Problem
Dear Venus,

My advice would be stop doing your boyfriend from behind. You will never see the duck, and the guys he got it for probably love it.

Don't forget to order the Vag-O-Matic self lubricant to stimulate your Vag-O-Matic experience.

Thanks for your contribution,

Satan

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

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#16
Mar 16, 2011
 

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Dty Deeds Done W Sheep wrote:
Dear Satan,
My girlfriend and I met at a doughnut bakery where we both work.
Though I am a master baker, I was having a hard time making my dough rise. My girlfriend tugs it and pulls it and kneads it, and eventually we can pop it in the fryer.
I started raking Viagra, and now my girlfriend will toss the doughnuts on my wang like she's playing horseshoes. Is this too kinky in a business setting?
Sincerely,
Master Baker
Dear Mr. Deeds,

Lot's of people do interesting things to keep the work day flowing. I say keep it up *snort* and if you can have fun and earn a buck at the same time go for it.

Also, thanks for answering my question to you about the cream filling and how it get's in there.

Thanks for your contribution,

Satan

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

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#17
Mar 16, 2011
 
Venus de Milo wrote:
Dear Satan,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has a Vag-O-Matic Turbo 3000 he got on EBay, and let me tell you, things are usually GREAT in the sack!
Here's the problem though: about a month ago he also got an adorable little tattoo of Donald Duck on his butt, and every time we start to make love, I see it and start to laugh uncontrollably. This kills the mood and shorts out the Vag-O-Matic.
My question is, are cute tattoos covered under the Vag-O-Matic repair warranty? And how can I take Donald Duck more seriously?
Help!
Sincerely,
Lady With A Duck Problem
Also, we have a strict NO REFUND policy. The Vag-O-Matic is never defective.

“Call me Walter”

Since: Nov 10

Dyersburg, TN

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#18
Mar 16, 2011
 

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_Virginia_ wrote:
Don't mess with Satan, PT.
This is my only warning to you on this.
It's ok Vag. Have fun with it. I don't see any harm done. I will probably do more harm with my advice lol.

Besides, people who ask Satan for advice should just expect to get what they get.

Since: May 10

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#19
Mar 16, 2011
 

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Sorry, but this is funny.

Level 5

Since: Apr 10

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#20
Mar 16, 2011
 

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IXSatanXI wrote:
<quoted text>
It's ok Vag. Have fun with it. I don't see any harm done. I will probably do more harm with my advice lol.
Besides, people who ask Satan for advice should just expect to get what they get.
True. Good. I was thinking the PT got too big for their britches, she keeps thinking the Topix boards are her playground, she doesn't understand that she can also be the ball.

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