The Joke Thread

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#44 Mar 7, 2013

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#45 Mar 7, 2013
How To Bathe A Cat
Previous Next
I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.(Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.(The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#46 Mar 8, 2013
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe .... for now.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#47 Mar 11, 2013

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#48 Mar 11, 2013
Oy

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#49 Mar 12, 2013
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped.'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says,'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#50 Mar 12, 2013
-Persephone- wrote:
Oy
Oy

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52 Mar 12, 2013
Ordering a pizza in 2017?

This is hilarious, the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality.
Want to know how to order a pizza in 2017?
Click the link and see. Turn up the volume. Listen closely.

Watch the pointer carefully!

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#53 Mar 12, 2013
http://www.flixxy.com/michael-carbonaro-the-m...

This guy is great. Some of his guest, not so smart..

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#58 Apr 9, 2013
Blonde Kidnapper:

A blonde woman with financial troubles decided to kidnap a child and demand ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a paper bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note to the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

Laura Beth

Since: Aug 09

Location hidden

#60 Apr 13, 2013
What do you call an open can of Tuna fish in a lesbians apartment ?

Potpourri

Laura Beth

Since: Aug 09

Location hidden

#62 Apr 13, 2013
What do you get when you cross Hilary Clinton and the Pillsbury Doughboy ?

An Ugly biotch with a yeast infection
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#63 Apr 13, 2013
A monkey is sitting in a tree when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUCK, DUDE... how much water did you drink?"
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#64 Apr 13, 2013
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and
took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of Champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"? He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switchedcocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. "So did I!"
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#65 Apr 13, 2013
Five American men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found Floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
Tom Poppas

San Jose, CA

#66 Apr 13, 2013
Laura Beth wrote:
What do you get when you cross Hilary Clinton and the Pillsbury Doughboy ?
An Ugly biotch with a yeast infection
Thought that was Sarah? You sure can be nasty good lb. yum!
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#67 Apr 13, 2013
A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he ripped off his clothes and started banging his dick on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#68 Apr 13, 2013
Ill Billy goes on a date with the moron Drinkie. Later, after dinner and a movie, Ill Billy invites Drinkie up to his apartment to fool around. Ill Billy lays on his stomach over the arm of the couch, spreads his legs and says, "Stick a finger in me." Drinkie obliges. Then Ill Billy says, "Stick in the other three." Once again, Drinkie obliges. Then Ill Billy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there." So Drinkie eases his hand into Ill Billy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand." Drinkie does so, and Ill Billy says, "Now CLAP!" Drinkie tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he whines.

Ill Billy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"
Tom Pappas

San Jose, CA

#69 Apr 13, 2013
Tom Poppas wrote:
<quoted text>
Thought that was Sarah? You sure can be nasty good lb. yum!
use ya own name, ya coward, stop hiding behind TOM PAPPAS

Laura Beth

Since: Aug 09

Location hidden

#70 Apr 13, 2013
What an idiot back peddling . Quit playing Tom Pappa's Trish , or anyone else from San Jose Ca .... Your a whacked out person . The white costs are coming

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