The Joke Thread

“Grrrrr”

Level 8

Since: Jan 12

Barbi & Baron

#21 Feb 20, 2013
OK, I have a joke that women always think is very funny, but men never laugh. I'm not copying it, it just comes from memory:

Bob is an average looking man and walks on the beach all the time. He's feeling unattractive and inadequate because he can't seem to get any of the women to pay attention to him.

So, he approaches the buffed and tanned lifeguard, and says, "Hey, what do I have to do to get these dreamy chicks to pay attention to me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well, that's easy. Just get a cucumber and put it down your swim shorts. Works every time."

So Bob goes to the grocery store, buys a big cucumber and returns to the beach the next day with it stuffed down his shorts. To his dismay, the cute girls are not only still ignoring him, they seem repulsed!

He goes back to the lifeguard and whines, "I did exactly what you told me to do! And it's worse than ever!"

The lifeguard looks at Bob, rolls his eyes, and says, "You were supposed to put the cucumber down the FRONT of your shorts. Not the BACK."

Since: Jul 09

Location hidden

#22 Feb 20, 2013
What has 9 arms and sounds like crap nowadays?

Def Leppard.

(some of ya might not get it)

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#24 Feb 25, 2013
Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#25 Feb 25, 2013
Fastest gun on the planet?

http://www.wimp.com/fastestgunman/

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#26 Feb 25, 2013
A Charlotte , NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON!(Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the
claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires" NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest
ONLY IN AMERICA !
NO WONDER OTHER COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#27 Feb 27, 2013

The Ultimate Drunk Fails Compilation

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/07/th...

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#28 Feb 28, 2013
THE COYOTE.....



California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.



TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.



And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#29 Feb 28, 2013
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:










Crap ...

I forgot what it was....

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#30 Feb 28, 2013
lol
I saw the Canadian version of this. LOL
Ricky F wrote:
THE COYOTE.....
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#32 Mar 4, 2013
-Persephone- wrote:
lol
I saw the Canadian version of this. LOL
<quoted text>
Speaking of, where is NW?

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#33 Mar 4, 2013
Our society is doomed..........

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.'Hey,' I announced to the technician,'it's open!' His reply:'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said,'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said,'you gave me too much money.' I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason:'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied,'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded,'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully,'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County SheriffÂ’s office, no less.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#34 Mar 4, 2013
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#35 Mar 5, 2013
Okay there is this guy and...

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#36 Mar 5, 2013
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
>> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
>> thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
>> Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
>> For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
>> About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
>> She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
>> I don't even know who you are!'
>> The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
>> I kinda figured we was friends."

-Kevin-
Level 10

Since: Nov 09

Smirk .. ;-)

#37 Mar 5, 2013
Heh

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#39 Mar 7, 2013
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.....

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f#%!*#! cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Ignore cat's need to take a pill because they have nine lives
anyway.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

Wrap in bacon.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#40 Mar 7, 2013

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
>> lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
>> horse immediately springs into motion.
>
>> It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
>> to slip from the saddle.
>
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplug the horse.

Thank God for heroes! lol

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#41 Mar 7, 2013

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#42 Mar 7, 2013
LOL! I love the one about bathing kitty, too.
Ricky F wrote:
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.....
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f#%!*#! cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Ignore cat's need to take a pill because they have nine lives
anyway.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Wrap in bacon.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#43 Mar 7, 2013
-Persephone- wrote:
LOL! I love the one about bathing kitty, too.<quoted text>
You should post it here because I don't think I've seen it?

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