The Joke Thread
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“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#1 Feb 18, 2013
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon
find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~
It take many nails
to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~
Man who live in
glass house should
change clothes in

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#2 Feb 18, 2013
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#3 Feb 18, 2013
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,"
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#4 Feb 18, 2013
The true story of the Chicken Gun

Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

“Grrrrr”

Level 8

Since: Jan 12

Barbi and Baron

#5 Feb 18, 2013
Here are a couple good reads:

"Revenge of the Tiger"
by Claude Balls

"Under the Bleachers"
by Seymore Butts

Since: Jul 09

Location hidden

#6 Feb 18, 2013
Man walked into a pharmacy to buy some suppositories. It was his first time buying them.

He looked at the pack, then walked over to the pretty pharmacist and asked, "so do ya take it up the azz or do you swallow?"

She slapped him.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#7 Feb 19, 2013
Yes, The Darwin Awards are out again.

It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is your winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#8 Feb 19, 2013
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.

And Finally, the 5-STAR "STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER"

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember....They walk among us.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#9 Feb 19, 2013
Good Morning Folks!

Back with us once again right here on The Joke Thread..........is our NOT so favorite squatty body, jiggly fat, baby bottle sucking, diaper wearing dwarf Voyeur!

But before he starts his act, he wants to everyone he loves you almost as much as Donkey!

~~~~~~~~~~

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#10 Feb 19, 2013
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplug the horse.

Thank God for heroes!

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#11 Feb 19, 2013
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#12 Feb 19, 2013
Voyeur finds this joke funny and very personal as Voyeur too is midget like!

~~~~~~~~~~

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,"
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#13 Feb 19, 2013
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
next!"

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#14 Feb 19, 2013
Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 19, 2013
Thanks folks, that's the end of my show for now!

YOU ROCK!!!!

And please pay tribute to your men & women in uniform
http://www.topix.com/forum/news/topix/TF8E3AM...

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#16 Feb 19, 2013
WALKING THE DOG

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady, who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said,
"No thanks, but maybe Buddy
Would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!
Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes,
But they were trying to change airlines!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#17 Feb 20, 2013
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded,'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked,'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied,'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied,'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him,'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied,'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#18 Feb 20, 2013
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was

washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the

monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,

there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &

bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would

close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into

his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no

heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.'What happened!?' they cried.



The husband said,'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#19 Feb 20, 2013
GOLFERS ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.....



A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
__________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
__________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
__________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
__________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
__________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#20 Feb 20, 2013
Bill

A reporter asks Bill Clinton--- How's Hillary's head?"

He replies, "Well.......... she's no Monica."

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