Advice Needed

[ukmelissa49]

I split from my abusive, drunk and violent husband 10 years ago but not before he had caused psychological damage to our son. He’s now 25, he’s extremely shy and reclusive, he was never academic at school and hasn’t been able to hold a job down since leaving school. He’s never properly spoken with a girl, let alone dated or kissed one. He doesn’t have any male friends either.

I assumed he was a natural loner and happy with his own company until a few months ago when I happened to look at the history on the computer and discovered he was looking at porn sites. We had a long chat and eventually I was able to draw out of him that he is very unhappy and lonely and would love a long term girlfriend but the prospect of talking to girls terrifies him.

I told him I’d coach him in relating and chatting to girls and dating. We’ve been out on a few ‘dates’ together, to pubs, night clubs, the local leisure centre, bowling and a meal out.

By now he should be trying to put it into practice and chatting to girls but he doesn’t show any interest in girls. We tried chatting in the pub to girls his age but he clammed up, I tried chatting in chat rooms but after saying ‘Hi’ he can’t think of anything to say and loses interest.

He seems unwilling to even try because I think our lessons have worked to well. He seems to have lost all interest in girls and I think he’s ‘in love’ with me.

How can I get him back on track looking for a girl his own age?

Please no pervs or I'll just disappear and close my account.

[Eric]

I myself happen to be a very shy guy. I'm 28 and never had the courage to seek any kind of female companionship until about a year ago. For me it was much easier to start with texting someone or emailing.
Maybe you could suggest he put in a personal ad to find someone to get to know to at least get his feet wet with interacting with girls his age. It was a good start for me.

[ukmelissa49]

Eric wrote:

I myself happen to be a very shy guy. I'm 28 and never had the courage to seek any kind of female companionship until about a year ago. For me it was much easier to start with texting someone or emailing.
Maybe you could suggest he put in a personal ad to find someone to get to know to at least get his feet wet with interacting with girls his age. It was a good start for me.

I'll try an ad in a dating site. That's a really good idea, thanks. The problem is that he just wants to cuddle me, he doesn't interested in girls outside now.

[lunamaiden]

ukmelissa49 wrote:

I split from my abusive, drunk and violent husband 10 years ago but not before he had caused psychological damage to our son. He’s now 25, he’s extremely shy and reclusive, he was never academic at school and hasn’t been able to hold a job down since leaving school. He’s never properly spoken with a girl, let alone dated or kissed one. He doesn’t have any male friends either.
I assumed he was a natural loner and happy with his own company until a few months ago when I happened to look at the history on the computer and discovered he was looking at porn sites. We had a long chat and eventually I was able to draw out of him that he is very unhappy and lonely and would love a long term girlfriend but the prospect of talking to girls terrifies him.
I told him I’d coach him in relating and chatting to girls and dating. We’ve been out on a few ‘dates’ together, to pubs, night clubs, the local leisure centre, bowling and a meal out.
By now he should be trying to put it into practice and chatting to girls but he doesn’t show any interest in girls. We tried chatting in the pub to girls his age but he clammed up, I tried chatting in chat rooms but after saying ‘Hi’ he can’t think of anything to say and loses interest.
He seems unwilling to even try because I think our lessons have worked to well. He seems to have lost all interest in girls and I think he’s ‘in love’ with me.
How can I get him back on track looking for a girl his own age?
Please no pervs or I'll just disappear and close my account.

Does he have any particular interests as a ground work for conversation? Im 25 and wouldn't mind talkin to him if you think it would help in terms of confidence.

[ukmelissa49]

lunamaiden wrote:

<quoted text>
Does he have any particular interests as a ground work for conversation? Im 25 and wouldn't mind talkin to him if you think it would help in terms of confidence.

He watches a lot of TV and plays PS3 games. If you send me your email address I'll get him to start emailing. That would be really appreciated. Thanks.

[EssexHypnotist]

There are lots of ways a person can work on their self-confidence, social skills and the way they relate to others.

The first step is for them to be prepared to do things a different way and to learn new skills.

They have to want it and see the necessity for change, you cannot do that for them, however much you might want to!

[ukmelissa49]

EssexHypnotist wrote:

There are lots of ways a person can work on their self-confidence, social skills and the way they relate to others.
The first step is for them to be prepared to do things a different way and to learn new skills.
They have to want it and see the necessity for change, you cannot do that for them, however much you might want to!

I think deep down he wants a girlfriend but I think he's written that possibility off and instead he's focusing his attention on me.

[Anonymous]

A girlfriend may be his goal, and yes he might focus his attention on you and he might continue to do unless you are very careful

If a girlfriend is the goal he needs to take the same steps that will lead him in right direction,

"Every marathon starts with the first step" type of approach and understanding.

Hope this is helping

[lunamaiden]

essexhypnotist wrote:

A girlfriend may be his goal, and yes he might focus his attention on you and he might continue to do unless you are very careful
If a girlfriend is the goal he needs to take the same steps that will lead him in right direction,
"Every marathon starts with the first step" type of approach and understanding.
Hope this is helping

Hence im hoping I can help a little with just friendly chat x

[ukmelissa49]

essexhypnotist wrote:

A girlfriend may be his goal, and yes he might focus his attention on you and he might continue to do unless you are very careful
If a girlfriend is the goal he needs to take the same steps that will lead him in right direction,
"Every marathon starts with the first step" type of approach and understanding.
Hope this is helping

I thought we were making that first step but he seems to have strayed off course.

[Anonymous]

In what way has he strayed off course?

[InvernessUK32]

You are an available female who shows him affection, his fixation is understandable.

Your best bet may be to carefully vet someone yourself, someone who will not balk at his shyness, who will ease him from his shell, and who can slowly introduce him to the possibilities.

I'd place that ad yourself, making it clear you are looking for someone mature enough to understand it is for him and what may be involved.

[maria]

maybe he is gay? No offense intended but if he is gay,he should be treated with respect and love!

[ukmelissa49]

essexhypnotist wrote:

In what way has he strayed off course?

He shows no interest in talking to girls. He wants to hold and cuddle and he's tried kissing me a few times. I feel as though I'm hindering him rather than helping.

[InvernessUK32]

I am assuming his tastes in porn gave no indication of that.

[ukmelissa49]

InvernessUK32 wrote:

You are an available female who shows him affection, his fixation is understandable.
Your best bet may be to carefully vet someone yourself, someone who will not balk at his shyness, who will ease him from his shell, and who can slowly introduce him to the possibilities.
I'd place that ad yourself, making it clear you are looking for someone mature enough to understand it is for him and what may be involved.

I am putting a profile together on a dating website but I'm doing it on his behalf, pretending I'm him but he's seen what I've put. I think it woud put girls off of replying if I said I was me looking for a gf for my shy son.

[InvernessUK32]

ukmelissa49 wrote:

<quoted text>
I am putting a profile together on a dating website but I'm doing it on his behalf, pretending I'm him but he's seen what I've put. I think it woud put girls off of replying if I said I was me looking for a gf for my shy son.

The problem I foresee is that you speaking pretending to be him doesn't prepare the other party for actually meeting or conversing with him.

You will have to be very careful you do not go to all this trouble only for him to face rejection.

That's just my 2 cents worth.

[ukmelissa49]

InvernessUK32 wrote:

<quoted text>
The problem I foresee is that you speaking pretending to be him doesn't prepare the other party for actually meeting or conversing with him.
You will have to be very careful you do not go to all this trouble only for him to face rejection.
That's just my 2 cents worth.

There's a good chance the first few meetings won't work out but that's how we learn. If he is rejected though it could set him back which I'm concerned about.

[LaughingAtYouPeo ple]

ROFLMAO - get him a puppy?

[Dan]

lunamaiden wrote:

<quoted text>
Hence im hoping I can help a little with just friendly chat x

Hey Lunamaiden i can be shy 2but am sick of bein alone maybe you Wud like 2chat 2me were r u from