My husband masturbates, can I divorce...

My husband masturbates, can I divorce him?

Posted in the Human Sexuality Forum

good Muslim wife

Bern, Switzerland

#1 Jan 26, 2012
I am both a newlywed and a recent convert. I am married to a muslim man who is 9 years older than myself. He has a long history of sexual frustration and finding his release in masturbation - cybersex, phone sex, images, videos, even from comic books and cartoon images.

Before we married, he would hesitate to ask for my hand because he wanted to talk with other women, maybe even get a chance to kiss them or receive oral sex from them. This he never actually managed, because he is unable to attract western, American women.

I agreed to marry him because I thought I had him promise me he would stop this behavior. Although he has stopped actively flirting with women online and mentally attacking my physical appearance and dress, he has not controlled his masturbation problem.

He will, when I am not at home, sleeping or just in a different room search for pornographic images online. I just came to learn that he has even masturbated to women's pictures on Facebook. This last fact is so oppressive that I find myself crying on a daily basis. Although I confronted him on the subject, he only admits that it is wrong to masturbate to facebook pictures because it is disrespectful to the women and it is sheer objectification.

He does not see it as a transgression to his wife. In fact, he feels entitled to his feelings of attraction because it is biology. He always tells me, "This and that are different and it is not a competition." He also argues that has he known how strongly I felt about the subject, he would not have done it, but I remember weeping countless times over the subject before we even married.

In fact, I now wear hijab, so how can he not see what my values are? I told him that I was thinking of divorce. He was upset and basically guilted me and bullied me into not taking any action, and swore to stop his habit. He also added that he is unable to stop anything "cold-turkey," and that it is my job to try and help him, not become angry with him because that is unislamic.

I am at a loss and do not know what to do? What should a good muslim wife do? I don't believe that he will ever stop, and he is unwilling to get professional help. This isn't something he does once in a while, but frequently, compulsively. I pray that my disgust and resentment will be taken away, but I can't see this man as a good husband. Do I have grounds for divorce? I feel that I was given an entirely different image before marriage, that I was promised that this behavior and sin would end. Please help me.
Anonymous

Denmark

#2 Jan 26, 2012
While his behaviour does not stray far from the avarage westener, I find it highly disgraceful that he would hesitate to marry you because he wanted to see if he could have other women. I feel sorry for you that you chose to marry him, as he is now acting against the promises he made to you.
I, like you, dont believe taht he will ever stop.
While i do not find the issue nearly as problematic as you do. I will refer to his oathbreaking in a manner as if i did. No matter the subject. If you can not live with his behaviour, and he cannot stop. Your marriage is doomed. Many on this site would suggest that you would make your body more available to him. But I dont think that it is the right solution. Taking into account that you are highky religious, it makes me wonder if he is not? Being a westerner - I would have left him if he continuosly broke an oath to me. But I cannot speak on your behalf. I do not know exactly how your culture looks upon divorce. I hope you get out of this though. Find a man that values your qualities. one who would rather "make love" to you than "fuck" you. I know It wasnt much help. but atleast you have my opinion with you. best of luck

- Cynder
sexy rachel

Chicago, IL

#3 Jan 26, 2012
yes you should divorce him
good Muslim wife

Bern, Switzerland

#5 Jan 29, 2012
Any more suggestions?

Thank you very much
boozooby

Carmichael, CA

#6 Jan 29, 2012
Don't divorce him, have sex much more often with him.
Carpe Diem

Las Vegas, NV

#7 Jan 29, 2012
If you are not happy with your husband perhaps you should divorce. But if you think you will find another man who doesn't masturbate, I'm afraid you will be disappointed with the next man, and the next, and the next. I suspect that almost all men masturbate frequently - I know I do, and I am a devoted and loyal husband.
achyfi

Dedham, MA

#8 Jan 29, 2012
I think you should have known what you were getting into marrying this guy. Masturbation/pornography can be an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. He may have sincerely meant his promise to quit, but the truth is that people don't usually change who they are just because they get married.

I can't advise you within an Islamic context, but if reforming himself was a condition of your marriage and he has not done so, I suppose you might have grounds for divorce. I would think that he would rather grant you a divorce than have the reason for it become known to others.

I do not believe there is anything unhealthy or sinful about masturbation, it is normal. However, if his viewing of pornogrpahy or openly fantasizing about other women upsets you then he has an obligation to be sensitive about that.

The best advice I can give you is to try and get him to go to couples counseling with you. If he is unwilling to do that then he is not going to change.
Old Jim 2

Managua, Nicaragua

#9 Jan 29, 2012
... I am a white, American non-Muslim male so my opinion is almost worthless. But I think you should get an annulment [such a thing in Swizz?], or a divorce. Hubbies excessive jackin' bothers you? Tell him to stop forever or you will leave him, forever. Find a better, more normal, life.
...
good Muslim wife wrote:
Any more suggestions?
Thank you very much

Since: Jan 12

Location hidden

#10 Jan 29, 2012
You seem to be a messed up person on a lot of different levels .

Love ? You never mentioned love in your post .

You sound very selfish and unwilling to do what it takes to have a good marriage in the first place . You have misplaced priorities and use religion
as a way to measure what is or is not needed to satisfy the sexual fulfillments of your husband .
You are not willing to do what it takes to keep him satisfied .

In your post you stated that in your opinion you could change his sexual
habits through marriage . Get real ! You should embrace his sexuality and
have fun doing what married folks do . People have sex to feel better and as a means of release . The more you keep him frustrated the more he will need his release .

When it comes to sex you need to have a serious reality adjustment and
try to understand that in life , the only rules that matter , are the ones you choose to go by , everything else is someone else's rules that do not apply to your life and will only detract from your ability to have a happy marriage .

You should get him off as much as he wants it and do it any way he needs it
while trying to help him find satisfaction in your commitment to be a sexual partner .If you do not feel like going all the way with him on this journey
then you are not worth having as a partner in my opinion .
Norman

Bristol, UK

#11 Jan 29, 2012
good Muslim wife wrote:
Any more suggestions?
Thank you very much
Wait until he is asleep & then chop his penis off .... no dick - no wanking .... simples .
Anonymous

United States

#12 Jan 29, 2012
As a Western man, my personal experience is as follows. I always have, and God willing, always will enjoy sensual contact with my wife of 24 years. But my sex drive also leads me to pleasure myself daily by viewing porn. I have never had physical contact with another woman during our marriage, and perhaps porn can be thanked for that.

It may be difficult for you as a woman to understand or believe, but the quick release that a man gets from wacking off has nothing to do with a man's deep and true affection for his wife.

As the wise poster above has stated, you are deeply hurt and you may be fully justified in divorcing, but the next man you have a relationship with will probably act in a similar way. And it is extremely unlikely that your current husband will change.

This morning (a weekend) I am lying in bed resting after my wife gave me a special treat with her hands. But before and after that intimate act, I got off on some internet porn. I am very tired, but the images of the women on the videos do not compare with the warmth and companionship of my wife.

I wish you the best.
Anonymous

United States

#13 Jan 29, 2012
As an aside, somehow I've become connected as a "subscriber" of a young Saudi woman on Facebook. She is a 26 year old nursing student. She often posts photos of herself, always covering her head, and she is very beautiful. She posts many times a day, about 90 pct of the time in Arabic (which I cannot read) and sometimes in English. About 95 percent of the replies to her posts are from men.

She posts often enough that I'm pretty sure it is a real Saudi woman, and not some middle-aged man at the computer in his mother's basement in Tulsa.

My questions: Are Saudis given complete access to Facebook? Will this woman get in trouble with the religious police if they see her posts, even if they are just innocent comments about things like studying for exams and going to the mall with her friends?
Anonymous

United States

#14 Jan 29, 2012
... and in regards to your comments about your husband, I've never pleasured myself to the Saudi woman's pictures on Facebook. But conceptually I wouldn't have a problem with that.
Newmarc

Maple Grove, MN

#15 Jan 29, 2012
I cannot comment from a Muslim perspective, but I'll try from one human being to another.

As someone else here already said, you do not mention love at all in this thread.

I would like to believe that you actually do love the man you decided to marry. Assuming this is so, perhaps you can try to include yourself in his activities. There is an expression, "If you can't beat 'em - join 'em." In other words, since it is obvious he will continue masturbating whether you like it or not, perhaps you can ask if you can watch him do it from time to time without judging him for it. In this way it will stop being a tug-of-war tearing you apart from him, but would rather become more of a shared activity and he would not feel you are rejecting him or his sexuality. Some couples even practice "mutual masturbation" where they both masturbate in front of each other at the same time. So instead of masturbation being a solo activity (and sometimes a selfish one at that when one person essentially shuts the other person out for their own pleasure) you can have lots of fun together - and you might even get more "real" sex too along the way.

Just a thought.
GMW

Bern, Switzerland

#16 Jan 29, 2012
Anonymous wrote:
As an aside, somehow I've become connected as a "subscriber" of a young Saudi woman on Facebook. She is a 26 year old nursing student. She often posts photos of herself, always covering her head, and she is very beautiful. She posts many times a day, about 90 pct of the time in Arabic (which I cannot read) and sometimes in English. About 95 percent of the replies to her posts are from men.
She posts often enough that I'm pretty sure it is a real Saudi woman, and not some middle-aged man at the computer in his mother's basement in Tulsa.
My questions: Are Saudis given complete access to Facebook? Will this woman get in trouble with the religious police if they see her posts, even if they are just innocent comments about things like studying for exams and going to the mall with her friends?
whats her name or link?
Conn

Winsford, UK

#17 Jan 29, 2012
good Muslim wife wrote:
I am both a newlywed and a recent convert. I am married to a muslim man who is 9 years older than myself. He has a long history of sexual frustration and finding his release in masturbation - cybersex, phone sex, images, videos, even from comic books and cartoon images.
Before we married, he would hesitate to ask for my hand because he wanted to talk with other women, maybe even get a chance to kiss them or receive oral sex from them. This he never actually managed, because he is unable to attract western, American women.
I agreed to marry him because I thought I had him promise me he would stop this behavior. Although he has stopped actively flirting with women online and mentally attacking my physical appearance and dress, he has not controlled his masturbation problem.
He will, when I am not at home, sleeping or just in a different room search for pornographic images online. I just came to learn that he has even masturbated to women's pictures on Facebook. This last fact is so oppressive that I find myself crying on a daily basis. Although I confronted him on the subject, he only admits that it is wrong to masturbate to facebook pictures because it is disrespectful to the women and it is sheer objectification.
He does not see it as a transgression to his wife. In fact, he feels entitled to his feelings of attraction because it is biology. He always tells me, "This and that are different and it is not a competition." He also argues that has he known how strongly I felt about the subject, he would not have done it, but I remember weeping countless times over the subject before we even married.
In fact, I now wear hijab, so how can he not see what my values are? I told him that I was thinking of divorce. He was upset and basically guilted me and bullied me into not taking any action, and swore to stop his habit. He also added that he is unable to stop anything "cold-turkey," and that it is my job to try and help him, not become angry with him because that is unislamic.
I am at a loss and do not know what to do? What should a good muslim wife do? I don't believe that he will ever stop, and he is unwilling to get professional help. This isn't something he does once in a while, but frequently, compulsively. I pray that my disgust and resentment will be taken away, but I can't see this man as a good husband. Do I have grounds for divorce? I feel that I was given an entirely different image before marriage, that I was promised that this behavior and sin would end. Please help me.
What you doing on this web site?????????? Look at your self first before you judge any1 else.
GMW

Bern, Switzerland

#18 Jan 30, 2012
Conn wrote:
<quoted text>
What you doing on this web site?????????? Look at your self first before you judge any1 else.
re tard

Since: Jan 12

Birmingham, UK

#19 Jan 30, 2012
Men produce sperm all the time and do need to get rid of it. All men masturbate, but as another post states, this has nothing to do with their love for their wives. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you wear a hibab so he should know your values. I think marriage is simple; you are there to live your lives together which includes sexual needs. As men work visually you need to look sexy for him. Hope this helps
good Muslim wife wrote:
I am both a newlywed and a recent convert. I am married to a muslim man who is 9 years older than myself. He has a long history of sexual frustration and finding his release in masturbation - cybersex, phone sex, images, videos, even from comic books and cartoon images.
Before we married, he would hesitate to ask for my hand because he wanted to talk with other women, maybe even get a chance to kiss them or receive oral sex from them. This he never actually managed, because he is unable to attract western, American women.
I agreed to marry him because I thought I had him promise me he would stop this behavior. Although he has stopped actively flirting with women online and mentally attacking my physical appearance and dress, he has not controlled his masturbation problem.
He will, when I am not at home, sleeping or just in a different room search for pornographic images online. I just came to learn that he has even masturbated to women's pictures on Facebook. This last fact is so oppressive that I find myself crying on a daily basis. Although I confronted him on the subject, he only admits that it is wrong to masturbate to facebook pictures because it is disrespectful to the women and it is sheer objectification.
He does not see it as a transgression to his wife. In fact, he feels entitled to his feelings of attraction because it is biology. He always tells me, "This and that are different and it is not a competition." He also argues that has he known how strongly I felt about the subject, he would not have done it, but I remember weeping countless times over the subject before we even married.
In fact, I now wear hijab, so how can he not see what my values are? I told him that I was thinking of divorce. He was upset and basically guilted me and bullied me into not taking any action, and swore to stop his habit. He also added that he is unable to stop anything "cold-turkey," and that it is my job to try and help him, not become angry with him because that is unislamic.
I am at a loss and do not know what to do? What should a good muslim wife do? I don't believe that he will ever stop, and he is unwilling to get professional help. This isn't something he does once in a while, but frequently, compulsively. I pray that my disgust and resentment will be taken away, but I can't see this man as a good husband. Do I have grounds for divorce? I feel that I was given an entirely different image before marriage, that I was promised that this behavior and sin would end. Please help me.
husain

Mumbai, India

#22 Aug 5, 2015
Mujhe koi girl chahiye shadi karna hy 37 ka hun india me rahta hun
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