It Allegedly Didn't 'Get Better' for One Gay Man

Dec 30, 2012 Full story: EDGE 57

A man apparently in his 30s uploaded a bizarre video to YouTube and puts his own spin on the popular "It Gets Better" campaign.

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“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#1 Dec 31, 2012
Yes, it's about time some of them came forward with the truth. It doesn't get better, and it can't get better until society corrects it's stupid, because you can't undo the damage caused to a person when they're a child.
Truth

Minneapolis, MN

#2 Dec 31, 2012
Older gay people never grew up with the possibility of marriage and some have experienced discrimination, bullying and even hate violence. I wonder if this man got involved with the many gay organizations that help expand socialization outside of the bar and online scenes. For example there are softball and bowling leagues, rugby and soccer teams, outdoor activity groups, men's support groups, movie groups, age based and bear groups, potluck groups, country western dancing, opportunities to volunteer etc. Even if you don't find a romantic partner there are ways to get into supportive friendships. Is it as easy as it is with straight couples, probably not. Is it better than being gay in some high schools, definitely.

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#3 Dec 31, 2012
'"But you, like most fat people I meet, donít like sweating, working hard, and having to eat vegetables without ranch dip. Hey, here is an idea, MAN THE HELL UP, Get your FAT ASS moving, and FIND SOME SELF CONTROL"'

This comment is as useless as those of the man on facebook. it focuses completely on the wrong issue. Instead of talking about the man being able to change his physical attributes, it should emphasize finding people who would find him attractive. Leave the business about weight loss to an MD. And as an obese person myself, I would say most judgmental comments about obesity are made by those who have never had the issue. It is not caused by one thing but by a combination - genes, depression, not getting positive encouragement from peers, etc.. This is not to say that a person cannot control it at all, but being judgmental about weight - unless you are trating a person in a medical capacity - is no different than those Xtian fundies being judgmental about other things in life, whether chosen or unchosen.

“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#4 Dec 31, 2012
JohnInToronto wrote:
'"But you, like most fat people I meet, donít like sweating, working hard, and having to eat vegetables without ranch dip. Hey, here is an idea, MAN THE HELL UP, Get your FAT ASS moving, and FIND SOME SELF CONTROL"'
This comment is as useless as those of the man on facebook. it focuses completely on the wrong issue. Instead of talking about the man being able to change his physical attributes, it should emphasize finding people who would find him attractive. Leave the business about weight loss to an MD. And as an obese person myself, I would say most judgmental comments about obesity are made by those who have never had the issue. It is not caused by one thing but by a combination - genes, depression, not getting positive encouragement from peers, etc.. This is not to say that a person cannot control it at all, but being judgmental about weight - unless you are trating a person in a medical capacity - is no different than those Xtian fundies being judgmental about other things in life, whether chosen or unchosen.
I hate being skinny. Yes, I said it, I hate it. I have all the medical problems that "fat" people are suppose to only get, according to the doctors, so I often wind up not getting the proper diagnosis until AFTER it almost kills me. Now I have scars across my stomach and horrible digestion because of the last one, it pisses me off how people stereotype things. If even half of what they claim causes people to be fat was true, I'd weigh a literal ton, too.

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#5 Dec 31, 2012
As for the story itself:

The guy is overly whiny and some of what he says is self-pity, but all of us gay men should realize many of his points are valid. The organized gay community is way too focused on physical appearance (we are similar to straight women in that regard, in that we must sexually appeal to males, whose sexual response is based strongly on the physical, rather than females, whose sexual response is more emotional). HIV in the developed countries is still largely an LGBT issue, though I am not quite sure why the man brings it up as it really does not influence day-to-day life for someone who is HIV- and is not acting as a caretaker for an HIV+ person whose viral level cannot be controlled. And I must take a certain amount of exception to what the poster above says: yes tnere are many gay organizations, but I myself have found a lot of them (not all) to be meatmarkets, cliquish, or not welcoming of diversity in the population. We all need to be less catty and more welcoming to different sorts of gay people.

Where the man in the video fails is in being realistic - he seems to be stuck in a self-pity rut. As a person who is not good-looking in a conventional manner myself, I long ago realized that if you do not have the body of a twinkie or a muscle-bear, or if you are bald, or have some other somatic issues such as short stature, imperfect body structure (not referencing weight), scars, physical disabilities, etc., you must learn, in general, to be physcially attracted to others who are themselves not perfect. While the pretty boys and hunky bears are sometimes more open-minded and less physcially-centered than one thinks, in most cases that is not true. I'll bet this guy would not even look at another "fat" person in a bar - except possibly to commiserate.

A good example of male focus on looks and how it can be ultimately unsatisfying - rent the French movie "Too Beautiful for You." In this film, a man with a drop-dead gorgeous wife finds his relationship with her to be unfuflfilling and takes his rather plain secretary as a mistress. The idea is that where most married men might take a mistress to find someone who is better looking than the wife, this guy takes one to find someone who makes him feel less imperfect himself. While this is not gay subject matter, I think it has relevance for our community and our focus on looks.

Also, where I do agree with the poster above, is that being single and over 35 does not mean "lving with your cats." Travel (if you can afford it) or get involved with activities in the general community, if you can seek out groups where are not homophobic. Find a hobby. Do other things.

I have been in four long-term relationships and in all four cases, I did not actively seek out the people - in two cases that sought me out and in the other two the meeting was by chance. So one must also remember the adage that love is most likely to happen when one stops looking for it.

And in the meantime, if one needs sexual release, there are always the bathhouses, and if really desperate and one can afford it, there are also professionals.

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#6 Dec 31, 2012
KittenKoder wrote:
<quoted text>
I hate being skinny. Yes, I said it, I hate it. I have all the medical problems that "fat" people are suppose to only get, according to the doctors, so I often wind up not getting the proper diagnosis until AFTER it almost kills me. Now I have scars across my stomach and horrible digestion because of the last one, it pisses me off how people stereotype things. If even half of what they claim causes people to be fat was true, I'd weigh a literal ton, too.
I had an acquaintance once whose gallstones were misdiagnosed as hepatitis because he was a skinny black guy in his thirties (he did not fit in any of the four "F"'s of likely gall bladder patients - fair, female, fat and over forty). It is amazing how lazy and un-analytical doctors are. And from what I hear up here, the problem is even worse in this country than in the United States.

“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#7 Dec 31, 2012
JohnInToronto wrote:
<quoted text>
I had an acquaintance once whose gallstones were misdiagnosed as hepatitis because he was a skinny black guy in his thirties (he did not fit in any of the four "F"'s of likely gall bladder patients - fair, female, fat and over forty). It is amazing how lazy and un-analytical doctors are. And from what I hear up here, the problem is even worse in this country than in the United States.
I don't doubt that Canada is worse off in that regard. I have heard tales as well that support the assertion. The irony being that a simple sonogram can rule out, or find, gallstones very easily. It's less expensive than the CT scan but they always use the CT scan for everything, even though it only see blood flow well.

DNF

“Religious Freedom to Marry”

Since: Apr 07

Newark OH / Baltimore MD

#8 Dec 31, 2012
I'm highly suspicious of the authenticity of the post.
SLIF

Scarborough, Canada

#9 Dec 31, 2012
It geys better if you move to Canada.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#10 Dec 31, 2012
I tried to watch the YouTube but it was blocked as "Private".

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#11 Dec 31, 2012
KittenKoder wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't doubt that Canada is worse off in that regard. I have heard tales as well that support the assertion. The irony being that a simple sonogram can rule out, or find, gallstones very easily. It's less expensive than the CT scan but they always use the CT scan for everything, even though it only see blood flow well.
As a point of info, however, the gallstone incident happened in the US. Canada is very good at some medical stuff like prevention. I personally have not had trouble with the medical system here. But I do here stories. Quebec seems to be the worst and Ontario, where I live, seems to have better care in general.

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#12 Dec 31, 2012
DNF wrote:
I'm highly suspicious of the authenticity of the post.
The story or the Facebook post?

Since: Jun 11

AOL

#13 Dec 31, 2012
KittenKoder wrote:
Yes, it's about time some of them came forward with the truth. It doesn't get better, and it can't get better until society corrects it's stupid, because you can't undo the damage caused to a person when they're a child.
"It gets better" campaign is aimed mainly at young people who are bullied in school. For most, it really does get better in their 20's and beyond, but it takes work to make your own life better.

We have also come a long way in the last 60 or so years, and even a 30 year old should have some sense of that history. They don't remember when we were locked up and tortured with emetics, electric shock, and lobotomies, but they should remember it was still illegal to be gay until 2003 in some states, and DADT still punished and demonized gay people, but now that hateful law is gone. So while our equal rights are still being debated and withheld, we have come a long way, and it has been getting better our entire lives even though we have lived our entire lives being denied the equal treatment promised by our constitution. But that continues to improve, with 10 states now recognizing our marriages. So while there is no guarantee any and all individual lives will get better, we have proof it has gotten much better legally, and plenty of evidence to support the belief it will continue to get better for the gay population, if not for all individuals.

“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#14 Dec 31, 2012
Not Yet Equal wrote:
<quoted text>
"It gets better" campaign is aimed mainly at young people who are bullied in school. For most, it really does get better in their 20's and beyond, but it takes work to make your own life better.
We have also come a long way in the last 60 or so years, and even a 30 year old should have some sense of that history. They don't remember when we were locked up and tortured with emetics, electric shock, and lobotomies, but they should remember it was still illegal to be gay until 2003 in some states, and DADT still punished and demonized gay people, but now that hateful law is gone. So while our equal rights are still being debated and withheld, we have come a long way, and it has been getting better our entire lives even though we have lived our entire lives being denied the equal treatment promised by our constitution. But that continues to improve, with 10 states now recognizing our marriages. So while there is no guarantee any and all individual lives will get better, we have proof it has gotten much better legally, and plenty of evidence to support the belief it will continue to get better for the gay population, if not for all individuals.
But instead of filling their heads with false hope we need to address the problems. That's my point, and it has always been my point.

“saved From jesus”

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#15 Dec 31, 2012
DNF wrote:
I'm highly suspicious of the authenticity of the post.
I agree. The whole thing smells like an FRC propaganda piece. The only thing missing is the poster "choosing" his sexuality.

The poster committed suicide.......how convenient...and stereotypical.

“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#17 Dec 31, 2012
Hate Queers wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh you poor babies I feel so sorry for you for being so stupid You don't deserve to breath the good clean air that we straight people breath you don't need more rights you need all your right's taken away and to be locked up. Your all sick twisted freaks that need to be stamped out. God doesn't want you and the rest of us don't want you Hilter had it right when he tried to kill all you sicko's during world war 2 just a shame he didn't get the job done it's not like you can make more of yourself's you can't reproduce lol.
Your hatred is showing.

Also, I don't breed, I'm asexual. So .... what was your point?

“I Am No One Else”

Since: Apr 12

Seattle

#19 Dec 31, 2012
Hate Queers wrote:
So what you think I care if Gay's know I hate them I don't. So what I hate homosexual's that's not a crime. I don't have to like queers and nothing you can say will make me so there ya go.
Then post your full name, address, and phone number. If you don't care, then you would post real ones, if you do care, you will ignore this or post fake ones.

Since: Mar 11

Location hidden

#21 Dec 31, 2012
fr hate:

>... I can say all I want on this forum as long as I don't make any open threats to myself or anyone else and I have not done this...<

Oh really??? Go back and read your inane posts, if mommy doesn't catch you on the computer first. See what you've spewed, and then look in the mirror.

“ reality, what a concept”

Since: Nov 07

this one

#22 Dec 31, 2012
I lost interest in his exploration of his own self-loathing about the time I realized it was set to the soundtrack from an episode of Dr Who. My condolences to his family, but what a sad legacy to leave behind. Obsessed with everything that was supposedly wrong with his life and the search for evidence that none of it could possibly be of his own making. Happily ever after can be damned hard to find and it may not include one person to go through it with, be thankful for the gifts you've been given.
WestCoaster

Los Angeles, CA

#24 Dec 31, 2012
You're right HATER. You have the right to come on here and say whatever you want to say. And we have the right to call you out on it for being an ignorant bigot.

If you hate us so much, why are you even on here??? Did you come on here to learn something new and useful or just to bully someone??

"I can say all I want on this forum as long as I don't make any open threats to myself or anyone else and I have not done this I just stated my opinion"

Not true Cupcake.

you said: "You don't deserve to breath the good clean air that we straight people breath you don't need more rights you need all your right's taken away and to be locked up.....Your all sick twisted freaks that need to be stamped out."

That sounds like a threat to me.

also; "it's not like you can make more of yourself's you can't reproduce lol. "

That's also not true. MY equipment works just fine at making babies thank-you. It's just that my BF gobbles up all the baby batter that I make. But, thankfully you straight people keep popping out more of us.

In your case tho, please don't breed.(I am assuming that you are a human, although I'm guessing only half-human.) Now go and give your Mamma a doggy treat. She's been waiting patiently for you to 'finish-up' your little session online.

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