My wife's lesbian affair
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rick

Hood River, OR

#1 Jan 1, 2009
Well, never really thought I'd be posting here. I have a wife of 12 years, two kids and truely a remarkable marriage. We spend tons of time together, travel and many things in common. We are lovers and best friends. Honest and open.
My wife is in the airline industry (yes here it comes). Last week she came back from a trip to China. Told me that during the layover, her and the crew went out and partied all night.(She does that now and then, not often). Then she told me that at the end of the night when making it back to the room the other flight officer leaned over and kissed her. Said it was the softest most wonderful kiss she had had in years and it really turned her on.(Like I said we're honest with each other). She was kissing another women. The women tried to coax her back to the room but my wife resisted and went back to her room dazed. Thats' where it begins.
Now two weeks later and endless communication between the two (texts and calls) they have planned to meet on their next trip, which starts tonight. Its been a tough two weeks trying to absord my wifes new interest in women. The thouhgts of that night/kiss consume her and it has been very difficult for me. Although we have talked of swinger type sex lives in the past we have never followed through. This however, resembles more of an affair . Planning and talking for two weeks, changing their work schudules so they can be together for this trip. Its killing me and we've had some tough discussions.
Ultimately, I told her I love her and we'll revisit it when she gets back.
So what the heck just happened? Is my wife finding out she is gay after all thes years? She says she is just curiuos but I don't really know what to think. I can live with bi, I can live with curious, but losing her would be devestating.
Commets from those wit REAL insight would be helpfull
I love my wife and support her but its very hard right now
Not in there

Buffalo, NY

#2 Jan 2, 2009
Get a lawyer. Start it now before she does.
peter flick

Buffalo, NY

#3 Jan 2, 2009
Not in there wrote:
Get a lawyer. Start it now before she does.
tell her to bring her home and join in that way you dont lose your wife and you get extra fun
at the same time

enjoy

Daniel P from Long Island

“Protestant, Gay, Libertarian”

Since: Apr 08

Long Island, NY

#4 Jan 2, 2009
Men marrying lesbians is more common than you think. It's happened to many famous people including Burt Reynolds and Lou Diamond Phillips.

It also happened to my next door neighnor's son after he had 2 kids with his wife. She left him for a woman.

I would suggest getting a lawyer asap.

Good Luck !
mnlib

United States

#5 Jan 2, 2009
I'm sorry to hear it Rick.

It sounds like you and your wife tend to have an "open" attitude about your marriage, which, imo, is bound to lead to one or the other of you breaking the monogamy sooner or later.

Whether she is seeing a woman or man, the effect is the same. This is disruptive to your marriage and may affect your children quite negatively unless both of you stay very strong about protecting them from what is changing between the two of you.

All marriages face obstacles as the people in them grow and change over the years. The key is to be able to honestly re-evaluate and decide your priorites.

In my opinion providing stability in a childs life is more important then exploring sexual curiosity, but I understand that concept may be interpreted differently by you and your wife.

I just hope you can get through this with minimal damage to them and your own psyche's.

Take care and good luck.

Daniel P from Long Island

“Protestant, Gay, Libertarian”

Since: Apr 08

Long Island, NY

#6 Jan 2, 2009
For a marriage to be successful, each parter MUST make the other partner THE single most important thing in their lives. Anything less will lead to failure of the marriage.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#7 Jan 2, 2009
rick wrote:
Well, never really thought I'd be posting here. I have a wife of 12 years, two kids and truely a remarkable marriage. We spend tons of time together, travel and many things in common. We are lovers and best friends. Honest and open.
My wife is in the airline industry (yes here it comes). Last week she came back from a trip to China. Told me that during the layover, her and the crew went out and partied all night.(She does that now and then, not often). Then she told me that at the end of the night when making it back to the room the other flight officer leaned over and kissed her. Said it was the softest most wonderful kiss she had had in years and it really turned her on.(Like I said we're honest with each other). She was kissing another women. The women tried to coax her back to the room but my wife resisted and went back to her room dazed. Thats' where it begins.
Now two weeks later and endless communication between the two (texts and calls) they have planned to meet on their next trip, which starts tonight. Its been a tough two weeks trying to absord my wifes new interest in women. The thouhgts of that night/kiss consume her and it has been very difficult for me. Although we have talked of swinger type sex lives in the past we have never followed through. This however, resembles more of an affair . Planning and talking for two weeks, changing their work schudules so they can be together for this trip. Its killing me and we've had some tough discussions.
Ultimately, I told her I love her and we'll revisit it when she gets back.
So what the heck just happened? Is my wife finding out she is gay after all thes years? She says she is just curiuos but I don't really know what to think. I can live with bi, I can live with curious, but losing her would be devestating.
Commets from those wit REAL insight would be helpfull
I love my wife and support her but its very hard right now
It sounds like you and your wife have very good communication between you and she felt comfortable and safe telling you the truth about what had gone on. That puts you ahead of many couples! Did you share your feelings and thoughts with her about what had happened and your fears and concerns about what it might mean for the future? Did you tell her it was ok with you if she explored further?
Rick

Hood River, OR

#8 Jan 2, 2009
"It sounds like you and your wife have very good communication between you and she felt comfortable and safe telling you the truth about what had gone on. That puts you ahead of many couples! Did you share your feelings and thoughts with her about what had happened and your fears and concerns about what it might mean for the future? Did you tell her it was ok with you if she explored further? "

LindaS

we do have good communication, yes I share my feeling and thoughts, but they were all over the map as this was so sudden. At first I thought it was fine because I believe we need to lives our lives out fully (perhaps fooly). It was only a kiss after a night of clubing and dancing. But then I started to realize that she was completely infatuated with that kiss. She now wanted more and started communicating constantly via text, email, phone ect. It really started to scare me. I've expressed my concerns and my moods have been all over the place. Sometimes I'm okay with it other times not at all. She hovers over her cell phone, she can't wait for the next communication, trying to be discrete.

But she wants what she wants and I don't think telling her no (no more) would help the situation. So I told her try go ahead and satisfy her curiosity.(that what she says it is at this point). So they are away on a work trip as I type this and the outcomes scares me to death.

She says she not a lesbian, she doesn't think she is, and I know she has never been with women before. I also know she is attracted to men but I'm concerned that she may be and is just finding out now, coming out.

Ever since "the kiss" our sex life has been amazing. Her libido has gone through the roof, I've never seen her like this. Great for me but it seems to stem from "the kiss". Or perhaps she is trying to make sure she is not gay?? Either way I sense that she is changing and more ready to get out and be social with others. I sense shes ready for a real change in her life.

However, when she talks to me shes says she loves me from the bottom of her heart.(She HAS told me everything about what is happening up to this point, but I remain suspicious that there is more to it). She expects a complete wonderful life together. Crys at the thought of not being together.

What a mess
Rick

Hood River, OR

#9 Jan 2, 2009
Why all the comments about getting a lawyer??? Do we need to run at first sight of a problem? Are you all saying "just end it quick"?

ASAP? I don't understand?

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#10 Jan 2, 2009
Rick wrote:
Why all the comments about getting a lawyer??? Do we need to run at first sight of a problem? Are you all saying "just end it quick"?
ASAP? I don't understand?
No Rick, I don't think you should, "run at first sight," but a lot of men do run in this situation. Those are the men who would run talking, but chances are their marriage(if they have one) is not working anyway.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#11 Jan 2, 2009
[QUOTE who="Rick[/QUOTE]

It sounds to me like she is probably bisexual and just realizing it. She is probably feeling as confused as you are right now, and is also on a roller coaster of emotions. Keep talking, it's important. Tell her how you fell and listen to her feelings, fears, etc. Eventually she will have to decide what she wants to do and you will have to deicde if you can live with that. I personally don't believe this all means your marriage has to be over. It's possible you may need to rewrite the rules a bit but can make it though this.
But I am not a professional, and it would be wise to talk to one. Here again though, many therapists will also assume you have to end it.
Rick

Hood River, OR

#12 Jan 2, 2009
Thanks LindaS

I'll let you know how "their" weekend went and how "we" coped. Bisexual doesn't scare me as much because she may not feel the need to leave me, which might be the case if she discovered she was a lesbian. Sharing her with another full time relationship would be pretty tough though. we'll see...
anon

AOL

#13 Jan 4, 2009
i found this because i was looking for insight concerning ny current situ. i am totally into men but in the last two months have been approached by a fabulous woman and am very tempted. i know my situ is not yours but i wanted to say that sometimes it really is just an issue of attraction to a NEW person combined with curiosity.
mike

Miyakonojo, Japan

#14 Jan 7, 2009
when you got married you both decided to be each other only...if she wants now to ` explore herself ` then it`s a case of her trying to have her cake and eating it. she can`t have both, simple!

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#15 Jan 8, 2009
mike wrote:
when you got married you both decided to be each other only...if she wants now to ` explore herself ` then it`s a case of her trying to have her cake and eating it. she can`t have both, simple!
Marriage is a contract, and like any contract you enter into it with the best intentions. But time passes and things change, and sometimes the terms of the contract need to be renegociated. It is that way in every marriage, even if you don't realize it. It is when the contract is broken without the knowledge of one partner that problems happen.
It is up to the two people in a marriage to set the terms, not for anyone, especialy not you, to tell them how their marriage should be.
mike

Miyakonojo, Japan

#16 Jan 8, 2009
so linda, what you are saying is that the vows you take when you get married can be discarded at any time just because you decide that you dont like them anymore??????

and you say
`especialy not you, to tell them how their marriage should be `
you dont even know me so keep your arrogance conceitedness to yourself. I was in exactly the same situation for your information.
mike

Miyakonojo, Japan

#17 Jan 8, 2009
btw linda, new terms in a contract can only be incorporated if the present contract is terminated. I really doubt if this guy married this woman on the pretext that she would start ` finding herself ` sexually outside their relationship with another person. If she wants to do that, according to your argument, they should get divorced and re-marry with a new set of terms.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#18 Jan 8, 2009
mike wrote:
so linda, what you are saying is that the vows you take when you get married can be discarded at any time just because you decide that you dont like them anymore??????
and you say
`especialy not you, to tell them how their marriage should be `
you dont even know me so keep your arrogance conceitedness to yourself. I was in exactly the same situation for your information.
Then you have a big ole chip on your shoulder, don't you mike?
Mike, it doesn't matter if I know you or not, if two people want to decide to change their marriage agreement, it's none of your damn business! Talk about conseited Mike!

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#19 Jan 8, 2009
conseited=conceited

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#20 Jan 8, 2009
mike wrote:
btw linda, new terms in a contract can only be incorporated if the present contract is terminated. I really doubt if this guy married this woman on the pretext that she would start ` finding herself ` sexually outside their relationship with another person. If she wants to do that, according to your argument, they should get divorced and re-marry with a new set of terms.
People nenew their vows all the time Mike. I guess your marriage(s) didn't last that long.

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