Dear Abby 11-12: Longtime gay couple ...

Dear Abby 11-12: Longtime gay couple may be better off not marrying

There are 50 comments on the The Daily Record story from Nov 12, 2013, titled Dear Abby 11-12: Longtime gay couple may be better off not marrying. In it, The Daily Record reports that:

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my partner, "Harold," for 11 years. After gay marriage passed here in Minnesota, Harold told me he didn't want to marry me because of my credit rating.

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Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#1 Nov 12, 2013
LOLOLOL

Since: Dec 08

Toronto, ON, Canada

#2 Nov 12, 2013
Abby knows best - ditch the bastard.

“Take Topix Back From Trolls”

Since: Dec 08

El Paso, TX

#3 Nov 12, 2013
Hmmmmm, another passive aggressive Gay guy. There are a few of those around, Where's BS Slayer?(Or whatever his name is)

“Equality First”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#4 Nov 12, 2013
Things must really be changing in the gay world. I can't remember anyone being concerned with their prospective mate's credit rating when deciding whether they were in love, and wanting to spend their lives together. I'm sure there may have been a few, but I don't remember anyone voicing concern.

Since: Aug 11

Location hidden

#5 Nov 12, 2013
RalphB wrote:
Things must really be changing in the gay world. I can't remember anyone being concerned with their prospective mate's credit rating when deciding whether they were in love, and wanting to spend their lives together. I'm sure there may have been a few, but I don't remember anyone voicing concern.
Civil marriage is a legal contract with legal consequences including financial ones. That's the main reason marriage equality is so important.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#6 Nov 12, 2013
RalphB wrote:
Things must really be changing in the gay world. I can't remember anyone being concerned with their prospective mate's credit rating when deciding whether they were in love, and wanting to spend their lives together. I'm sure there may have been a few, but I don't remember anyone voicing concern.
I smell Log Cabin syrup in the kitchen.

“Together for 24, legal for 5”

Since: Sep 07

Littleton, NH

#7 Nov 12, 2013
I can imagine that financial problems cause relationship problems. But I can't quite imagine FICO envy being a reason to marry or not. If the guy's finances are such a shamble, you'd think that would come up in other ways.(I can't imagine having an 11-year relationship and my partner still being in trouble with credit cards or any other sort of debt. It would have come to a conclusion much much earlier.)

Then there's the issue of sharing financial information with people who don't need to know and probably don't want to. Something tells me that the creep wants to brag about his own excellent FICO score. And maybe he's only in the relationship at all for window dressing.

Having said all that, in a much less mature relationship, financial problems would certainly give me great pause before marrying. I wouldn't want someone's financial irresponsibility to jeopardize my finances. But after 11 years? He should have worked it out if that's really his concern.

“Take Topix Back From Trolls”

Since: Dec 08

El Paso, TX

#8 Nov 12, 2013
RalphB wrote:
Things must really be changing in the gay world. I can't remember anyone being concerned with their prospective mate's credit rating when deciding whether they were in love, and wanting to spend their lives together. I'm sure there may have been a few, but I don't remember anyone voicing concern.
Credit ratings don't impact someone your living with but they sure do if your married.
Dear Abby

Newark, CA

#9 Nov 12, 2013
Dear Frustrated:
Forget couples' counseling. Harold is a worthless waste of a partner. He talks about your private life to others despite your repeated requests that he not do so, and he bases your marriage desirability on your credit rating. Show some dignity and self-respect and kick this creep to the curb.

“Equality First”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#10 Nov 12, 2013
TomInElPaso wrote:
<quoted text>
Credit ratings don't impact someone your living with but they sure do if your married.
Did you ask your spouse what his credit score was before marrying him, Tom? I didn't ask mine, and he didn't ask me. We did share information about jobs, income, and that sort of thing, but the furthest thing from my mind was his credit rating. In fact, I didn't even know my credit score until I was in my 50's. It just never occurred to me. The only reason I found out about it was I had a friend who was a bank vice-president, and after we discussed it one night he found it out for me. Now I'm 69, and I still don't know what it is.
heartandmind

Europe

#11 Nov 12, 2013
You'd think, after being together that long, they'd know each other's spending habits and mutually paid the bills.....their credit rankings would be linked in some fashion, even they weren't legally married. homes, cars, etc all come out of a common budget.

well, at least they do in our house. it's one thing to go out and buy a jacket for the winter. but something big like a car or a boat or a hawaiian vacation - those are mutual decisions that have long term financial impact.

granted, if you're with a clothes horse or a shop-a-holic, then that could be a problem, too!

but seriously, the guy needs to shut up to their friends about it and show some respect for his partner and their life together. afterall, he's put up with it for a decade - it's almost as much his fault at this point as his partner's.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#12 Nov 12, 2013
Proof that America has become a credit culture.

When I was young, an honorable man would NEVER consider proposing marriage unless he had a positive BANK BALANCE and was completely FREE OF DEBT; not with an indebtible rating.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

- "Polonius", Act I Scene 3 "Hamlet"; Wm. Shakespeare

“Equality First”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#13 Nov 13, 2013
snyper wrote:
Proof that America has become a credit culture.
When I was young, an honorable man would NEVER consider proposing marriage unless he had a positive BANK BALANCE and was completely FREE OF DEBT; not with an indebtible rating.
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
- "Polonius", Act I Scene 3 "Hamlet"; Wm. Shakespeare
You and I must have been young at approximately the same time. My spouse and I had no debt when we got together. Not even a car loan. We purchased our first house with 20% down-payment, and paid off a 30 year mortgage in 12-1/2 years. We have always paid cash for anything else we bought. And we paid off our credit cards every month. So we have never had to worry about a credit rating.

“Take Topix Back From Trolls”

Since: Dec 08

El Paso, TX

#14 Nov 13, 2013
RalphB wrote:
<quoted text>
Did you ask your spouse what his credit score was before marrying him, Tom? I didn't ask mine, and he didn't ask me. We did share information about jobs, income, and that sort of thing, but the furthest thing from my mind was his credit rating. In fact, I didn't even know my credit score until I was in my 50's. It just never occurred to me. The only reason I found out about it was I had a friend who was a bank vice-president, and after we discussed it one night he found it out for me. Now I'm 69, and I still don't know what it is.
He didn't have a credit history in this country but given the fact that we had to wait nearly twenty years to get married .......

Beyond that he took over the checking account within six months of our living together. A couple years after that, even though he has no SSI number he was offered a MasterCard account in his name which he still keeps active. He's on every one of my credit cards by the way.

“Take Topix Back From Trolls”

Since: Dec 08

El Paso, TX

#15 Nov 13, 2013
heartandmind wrote:
You'd think, after being together that long, they'd know each other's spending habits and mutually paid the bills.....their credit rankings would be linked in some fashion, even they weren't legally married. homes, cars, etc all come out of a common budget.
well, at least they do in our house. it's one thing to go out and buy a jacket for the winter. but something big like a car or a boat or a hawaiian vacation - those are mutual decisions that have long term financial impact.
granted, if you're with a clothes horse or a shop-a-holic, then that could be a problem, too!
but seriously, the guy needs to shut up to their friends about it and show some respect for his partner and their life together. afterall, he's put up with it for a decade - it's almost as much his fault at this point as his partner's.
Some couples, and it's pretty obvious this is one of those couples, don't mingle funds, have separate checking accounts and pay everything as though they had no relationship.

“Together for 24, legal for 5”

Since: Sep 07

Littleton, NH

#16 Nov 13, 2013
RalphB wrote:
<quoted text>
You and I must have been young at approximately the same time. My spouse and I had no debt when we got together. Not even a car loan. We purchased our first house with 20% down-payment, and paid off a 30 year mortgage in 12-1/2 years. We have always paid cash for anything else we bought. And we paid off our credit cards every month. So we have never had to worry about a credit rating.
My husband and I paid cash for every car either of us ever owned. When we lived in Boston, we shared a single used car for years.

As a result, we bought our first new car when I was 37 and he was 46. It was a nice one. That was 16 years ago--almost to the day--and we still drive it. But we also have a truck and another car that we bought new.

I cringe when I see young people struggling to make car payments and wondering why they never get ahead.

“Together for 24, legal for 5”

Since: Sep 07

Littleton, NH

#17 Nov 13, 2013
And I cringe even more when I hear people my age complain that they can't afford their car. . .

“Equality First”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#18 Nov 13, 2013
nhjeff wrote:
And I cringe even more when I hear people my age complain that they can't afford their car...
I understand that, but there are a lot of variables that go into the situation. Some individuals are just ignorant of how to handle money, others are spoiled and demand everything right now, and some people are just caught in a web of poverty, joblessness, etc. I saw all of the above when I counseled employees at my job. My employer was very concerned with the credit-worthiness of his employees, and with my education in finance he asked me to do that job. Sometimes it was rewarding and sometimes it was frustrating, but it was never boring.
heartandmind

Europe

#19 Nov 13, 2013
TomInElPaso wrote:
<quoted text>
Some couples, and it's pretty obvious this is one of those couples, don't mingle funds, have separate checking accounts and pay everything as though they had no relationship.
we have separate checking accounts as well.

but we both monitor the bills. we both tell the other about when the bills are paid or if we have a problem with a bill (when we got a $1000 water bill after we'd added the sprinkler system and sodded the yard & had to water virtually non-stop during august....that was something we had figure out together).

the point is, a couple has to communicate and respect. if you don't have that in your relationship, well, that says a lot, doesn't it?

“Together for 24, legal for 5”

Since: Sep 07

Littleton, NH

#20 Nov 13, 2013
RalphB wrote:
<quoted text>
I understand that, but there are a lot of variables that go into the situation. Some individuals are just ignorant of how to handle money, others are spoiled and demand everything right now, and some people are just caught in a web of poverty, joblessness, etc. I saw all of the above when I counseled employees at my job. My employer was very concerned with the credit-worthiness of his employees, and with my education in finance he asked me to do that job. Sometimes it was rewarding and sometimes it was frustrating, but it was never boring.
There are some people who really were dealt a bad deal. But most of the people who can't afford their car insist on buying cars that they can't afford. There are plenty of people who make more money than me who have mortgages and car payments, and they're wondering if they'll ever be able to retire.

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