is my wife gay
confused

United States

#1 Apr 23, 2007
I'm married, 20 yrs., last week my wife tells me she made out with a woman for about an hour. Nothing else. She has been flirting with her for awhile and now this happened - unplanned. I want to believe her so I've given her the benefit. I told her to take some time and figure out for herself what she is feeling and what she wants. I did/do not want to add to her anxiety and guilt while she is going through this. I love her and everything seems pretty good between us - sex is great, etc. However, 1 week later and now I'm feeling betrayed, hurt and threatened. In addition, I'm realizing that I don't trust her anymore because I'm wondering all kinds of things and imagining others. I suspect there was more than the kissing. Who can kiss pationately for one hour and not do anything else? Has anyone else gone though this and is this the beginning of a gay life for her?
Jeannie

Morristown, NJ

#2 Apr 23, 2007
She's bi, not gay- get a brain! Most people are bi.
just curious

West Mifflin, PA

#3 Apr 23, 2007
what if its the start? are there kids involved? if so would you let her raise them with her new lifestyle?
confused

United States

#4 Apr 24, 2007
Kids are adults and on their own. She can have any lifestyle she wants. That's the whole point. I don't want her to change - just be herself. However, I'm not sure I want to be in that world with her and wonder if I should be starting to think about "it's over" and get on with life. No sense in making her stay in a life she is not comfortable with.
James

Kew Gardens, NY

#5 Apr 24, 2007
I would leg it if I were you. If she had messed around with another guy for an hour would that have been o.k.? The message you will send out to her if you don't leave is that it is o.k. for her to mess around because you are not doing anything about it. You need to seriously grow a pair, buy a new pair of sneakers, and run as fast as you can. Good luck!
mildly_confused

Hollis, NH

#6 May 19, 2008
Jeannie wrote:
She's bi, not gay- get a brain! Most people are bi.
How kind of you!
mildly_confused

Hollis, NH

#7 May 19, 2008
confused wrote:
Kids are adults and on their own. She can have any lifestyle she wants. That's the whole point. I don't want her to change - just be herself. However, I'm not sure I want to be in that world with her and wonder if I should be starting to think about "it's over" and get on with life. No sense in making her stay in a life she is not comfortable with.
Get to a realy good therapist and start working through it.
Blond Prince

Chattanooga, TN

#8 May 19, 2008
confused wrote:
I'm married, 20 yrs., last week my wife tells me she made out with a woman for about an hour. Nothing else. She has been flirting with her for awhile and now this happened - unplanned. I want to believe her so I've given her the benefit. I told her to take some time and figure out for herself what she is feeling and what she wants. I did/do not want to add to her anxiety and guilt while she is going through this. I love her and everything seems pretty good between us - sex is great, etc. However, 1 week later and now I'm feeling betrayed, hurt and threatened. In addition, I'm realizing that I don't trust her anymore because I'm wondering all kinds of things and imagining others. I suspect there was more than the kissing. Who can kiss pationately for one hour and not do anything else? Has anyone else gone though this and is this the beginning of a gay life for her?
You and your wife need to do some serious talking, and there needs to be ground rules, open/honest communication, and plans for moving forward.

Either she has been lesbian in the closet or is bisexual. Either way, she was born that way. She needs to decide if she loves, and wants to stay with you, and you need to decide what you will put up with.

A third person in a relationship never works. Once the topic comes up in a long-term committed relationship, there is already serious trouble. The wife needs to decide if she wants to be with you or other people. You need to know. You have every right to know with all those years you have put into the relationship.

This is not so much about sexual orientation as it is about trust in a relationship IMHO

I'm gay, and if my mate were kissing a female or anyone else that way, we would need to do some talking to find out what is going on. We have been in a relationship double digit years also.
Just Me

Dallas, TX

#9 Nov 29, 2008
Jeannie wrote:
She's bi, not gay- get a brain! Most people are bi.
No need to be rude to the poor man! He is asking a legitimate question. And the point is, she may not be bi at all. Where did you get your statistics that most people are bi? They are NOT. I have several friends whose spouses told them they were gay after many years of marriage, and it is quite devastating. I would suggest counseling. And most importantly, the straight spouse should NEVER blame themselves. No one can make some one else gay.

“Brains: Use 'em or lose 'em”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#10 Nov 29, 2008
Why don't you ask your wife?

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#11 Nov 29, 2008
Confused,

I see this thread was started a while ago, so if you are still around maybe you shouuld update us.

You need to communicate with her what you ae feeling and let her communicate with you too. Both of you need to try to listen to the other without judging and without interrupting or getting angry. That is the first step.

Now you have trust issues,and that is normal, but remember that she chose to be honest and tell you about this. She didn't have to.

Don't assume that more happened than she is telling you. Women love to kiss and will kiss another woman for a long time. Men just don't understand that because they focus on the destination without fully enjoying the journey most of the time.

A lot of women come out late in life, after they have been the good wife PTA mother and raised the good kids like society expected her to do. Now is the time to be honest with herself.

Usually there is something happening in the marriage that caused her to slip over that line, but it does not mean she doesn't love you and it doesn't mean she necessarity wants to leave you.

You need to decide if you want to stay married, and so far it sounds like you have too good of a marriage to destroy just because your ego is bruised or you don't trust her.

Could you live with her having a friendship with benefits with a woman? Would she still want to stay with you if she did? Those are questions that you need to answer together and this will take all the good communication skills you have hopefully built over the last 20 years.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

Location hidden

#12 Nov 29, 2008
Blond Prince wrote:
<quoted text>
A third person in a relationship never works.
I disagree. It can work. It's extremely difficult to do it, but it can be done.
Mike

UK

#14 Oct 12, 2012
i WISH MY WIFE WAS bI ,,,
will

Charlotte, NC

#15 Jan 9, 2013
Dude my wive did something very similier about 10 years ago when she discovered she was bi . It is great . Now not only am i still happily married to her but also am married to another woman as well . We all live in the same house , i have children with both of them , we all have so much love for each other it is unreal ! There is no jealousy and we always do everything together. I am the luckiest man in the world !! Be excited about this change in lifestyle . The best advice to you is always be open with your feelings . Will she meet a woman that you will both fall in love with ? Maybe , maybe not but it will work out if you both are very open with each other .
Tom Russell

Fairbury, NE

#16 Jan 27, 2013
My wife made the decision that she is Gay. She has decided all men are subhuman, white slime providers, and the root of all evil within the world....(those are all her words, she has borrow from her gay friends..
Refuse to work it out...
states my very simple touch to her hand is repulsive and caused her to be Ill...
Divorce was quick and clean...

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