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alex rod

Rye, NY

#1 Aug 26, 2007
I find it interesting that most gay people know at a very early age.

What age did you realize?

If it was later in life, how come you realized so much later? Was it denial, or a change in feeling?

“HERE TO STAY”

Since: Jul 07

"AXIDENTS" WILL HAPPEN!

#2 Aug 26, 2007
4 years old... nothing taught to me, no abuse , nothing negative in the environment.. realized I felt this "attraction" or wanting this "closeness' to men..Looking at them and saying "he's cute' he's hansom! wanting the "closeness" for strong arms around me.. not sexual,, that came later as I was growing up..
and as I look back,, never a desire for the female body even as I was realizing my attraction for men was become stronger.. This was NOT A CHOICE... this was THERE.. GOD MADE ME THIS way. and I'm not the least bit confused or discouraged. I NEVER & WOULD NOT ever considering changing my orientation,... the same way a heterosexual feels about theirs.. Anyone out there have this experience as well??

Since: Jan 07

Ann Arbor, MI

#3 Aug 27, 2007
I knew that I "liked" other boys with a depth of feeling that most other boys didn't feel toward each other as early as 1st or 2nd grade in elementary school.

My experience appears very similar to BORNGAY's. I felt a deep longing for both physical and emotional closeness long before these feelings took on a sexual dimension.(And before anyone tries to go there - my father was not/is not an emotionally distant person, nor was he weak in comparison to my mother, nor any of the other crap that anti-gay people like to propose as causative.)

For me, there was a huge gap between my understanding of my own feelings, versus what I had been taught to believe about gay people by the church, reinforced by a very negative attitude toward gay people within society in general. So I didn't immediately equate what I was feeling with "being gay".

I didn't really even feel that my same-sex orientation was in conflict with church teachings until such time as I developed sexual interests. Even then, I wasn't some "selfish hedonist" in practice nor in my desires, and since this is what I had been taught to believe about gay people (along with a great many other falsehoods with which I didn't personally identify), I still didn't immediately view what I was feeling as being the same thing as being gay.

Once I was able to see past the veil of lies the church and society had erected, rejecting their inherent condemnation, I was able to finally to view my sexuality and orientation as just one more part of my overall identity; as being something neither inherently good or bad in and of itself, but something that I had the choice to give manifestation in moral or immoral ways.

It's just about impossible to portray to someone who hasn't shared this experience the damaging effect of feeling like you have to lie your way through each and every day in order to avoid harassment and violence - whether it be the real thing one has experienced (and I've experienced a lot of it in my lifetime), or as a product of one's fears about things that might or might not ever happen.

One feels isolated for being different from the majority of one's peers. But as if that's not bad enough, we so completely internalize the hatred and lies about homosexuality we're indoctrinated with by family, friends, church, etc. from the earliest age that we just assume there must be something wrong with us when we first begin to notice that we have this difference. After all, the people and institutions we're taught to put are faith and deepest trust in wouldn't lie to us about such a crucial part of who we are, would they?

Well, unfortunately they would, and do. Not necessarily or even usually out of malice, but mostly from a lack of understanding and the fear to question what they themselves have been indoctrinated to believe.

As for what age I was; I'd have to say that I had personally come to an understanding that my same-sex orientation meant I was "gay" when I was around age 15. I started the coming out process when I as 17. I simply couldn't continue the chameleon act any more - too detrimental to my sense of who I was as a person, and consequently to my self-esteem. That isn't to say that I came out to everyone I encountered immediately, or that I was completely reconciled with my orientation when I began coming out. Figuring out that one is gay, and actually being able to take ownership of that in a positive way don't always happen together. Unfortunately, the latter never happens at all for many people.

And the coming out process never really completely ends, as there are always new people one has to deal with in life. When I first started coming out to people, I was as much looking for reassurance that I wasn't an "evil" person or doomed to become one. Now it's become as much about dispelling the myths as anything else.

“Jesus kills!”

Since: Aug 07

Massapequa Park, N.Y.

#4 Aug 27, 2007
Probably around 11 years old or so when I would get crushes on male friends of mine. It would get increasingly awkward because I felt a special attraction to certain male friends of mine, but never felt any attraction towards girls except to acknowledge that some girls looked nicer than others, but there was no sexual desire or inclination to "make a move" on them.
sophi

Denver, CO

#5 Aug 27, 2007
i didn't figure out i was bi till middle school. though i knew i was trans before i was 8, possibly as young as 5. though obviously i didn't know what trans was... just knew i was or wanted to be a girl.

i think when you're bi it's easier to not notice right away,'cause you have to figure out that you also like the same sex, as apposed to realizing you don't like the opposite sex. or something like that.
Imprtnrd

Lees Summit, MO

#6 Aug 27, 2007
It was like 7 yrs old. I joined the Cub Scouts just to be around other boys. Then came middle school I would stare at guys in my classes (them not knowing of course). They would be checking out girls and I would be checking the guys out at the same time. It was perfect. Like today, go out in public and see a guy and girl walking along. He THINKS you are checking out his girl. NOT! LOL.

“Jesus kills!”

Since: Aug 07

Massapequa Park, N.Y.

#7 Aug 27, 2007
sophi wrote:
i didn't figure out i was bi till middle school. though i knew i was trans before i was 8, possibly as young as 5. though obviously i didn't know what trans was... just knew i was or wanted to be a girl.
i think when you're bi it's easier to not notice right away,'cause you have to figure out that you also like the same sex, as apposed to realizing you don't like the opposite sex. or something like that.
You know, it's funny, you reminded me that it was actually earlier that I probably knew I liked boys. I remember being about 6 or 7 and telling my mother I wished I had been a girl. It was because I liked boys and I thought it was only OK for girls to like boys. But I don't think it was crystal clear to me yet just what that meant until I entered puberty. And to tell you the truth, as much as I liked boys, I had (and still have) a strange fascination with boobies. Probably because I don't have any, so they're a curiosity! LOL

But I do admire all of you transfolks. Your courage and determination is unequalled and I really appreciate your contributions to the struggle. Keep on fighting, and one day we will ALL be free!

“Jesus kills!”

Since: Aug 07

Massapequa Park, N.Y.

#8 Aug 27, 2007
Imprtnrd wrote:
It was like 7 yrs old. I joined the Cub Scouts just to be around other boys. Then came middle school I would stare at guys in my classes (them not knowing of course). They would be checking out girls and I would be checking the guys out at the same time. It was perfect. Like today, go out in public and see a guy and girl walking along. He THINKS you are checking out his girl. NOT! LOL.
The Cub Scouts? So it's safe to say you were into the "bear" scene back then? LOL
Disgusted American

Cranbury, NJ

#9 Aug 27, 2007
Well...I had alot of the same things happen to me, as the other commentors above...but I decided at 19yo I had enough..I was dating this italain girl for a year...she was pretty, nice family, and very giving....but DAMM her brother was Effing gorgeous,italain,dark hair, hairy chest...swimmers bod....wow...I couldn't take my eyes off him. Many a time, I found myself staring at him...finally after (her family) gathering at thier mountian house (her brother and I shared a room)and boy, did he look good in "tighty-whites"..and hair in all the right places...I told her, it wasn't fair for me to have my arm around her, and be looking at her brother. THAT'S WHEN I CAME OUT!

“Jesus kills!”

Since: Aug 07

Massapequa Park, N.Y.

#10 Aug 27, 2007
Disgusted American wrote:
Well...I had alot of the same things happen to me, as the other commentors above...but I decided at 19yo I had enough..I was dating this italain girl for a year...she was pretty, nice family, and very giving....but DAMM her brother was Effing gorgeous,italain,dark hair, hairy chest...swimmers bod....wow...I couldn't take my eyes off him. Many a time, I found myself staring at him...finally after (her family) gathering at thier mountian house (her brother and I shared a room)and boy, did he look good in "tighty-whites"..and hair in all the right places...I told her, it wasn't fair for me to have my arm around her, and be looking at her brother. THAT'S WHEN I CAME OUT!
I just remember being on some of the few dates I've been on and, of course, nothing happens unless she initiates it. And I'm kind of uncomfortable and going along with it as best I can and thinking... what's wrong? She's sweet, she's pretty... if she had a dick, she'd be perfect!:)

“HERE TO STAY”

Since: Jul 07

"AXIDENTS" WILL HAPPEN!

#11 Aug 27, 2007
Its intersting to hear all these experiences... I want to include as part of mine original post, when taking the church into consideration, I;ve always felt a special "place" in the church... when I was very very young,, I rememeber that beautiful music in church. Music has alway been a part of my life and music, whatever form it takes has some type of impact on everyone.. I wanted so bad to be a church musician.. and lo & behold, at 13 yrs old I started working ... over 30 yrs later, I still do it with great passion. Why, would I ever think GOD would reject me for my sexual orientation. Its obvious I had this since birth, and he still gave me the drive, ambition & desire to perform music IN HIS HOUSE!!!... Going through Catholic grammer school & growing up, nothing was ever mentioned about this "homosexuality" & sin business.. I realized my attraction to men very young, and being part of the church all my life, I always just thought of GOD.,, nothing else, no scriputres. etc.. I wasn't afraid of him & I still am not... Its been such a part of me, I need not hear all the other prejudices the church has about this.. I REPORT TO GOD, NOT TO THE POPE, BISHOP, PASTOR OR NUN.. I guess it was never an issue for me.. GOD supported by devotion as a musician to him..
Other experiences at childhood, were the continuing "yearning" just to be close & fell protected by a man , comforted in his arms.. then the experiments start with the neigbborhood boys,, strip poker at 7 or 8 yrs old with boys my age..(who are strait today) "truth or dare".. all those fun things. Going through school, the bullies the "confirmation" of your sexual orientation! Yep, its been there since you were born!.. 1st "real" sexual encounter at 15,, he was 25.. wow, I couldnt believe what really went on!!,, and from there it took off. The bar scene, tricks, impulses, one night stands... "potential lovers", heartbreaks,, waiting for the phone to ring.. etc etc.. all that's past.. as I grow older, a kind heart & good people are so important , sex sex sex was just a phase, although I don't go out looking for it anymore, if it happens to enter into a decent relationship.. so be it.
Imprtnrd

Lees Summit, MO

#12 Aug 28, 2007
Gay Chevara wrote:
<quoted text>
The Cub Scouts? So it's safe to say you were into the "bear" scene back then? LOL
No. Just the younger ones.

“Author in search of a niche”

Since: Jul 07

Dallas, TX

#13 Aug 28, 2007
It was after my over-bearing mother and emotionally-absent father found out I was being sexually abused by one of the local gay hustlers.

NOT! Just thought I'd feed some of the bigots who think that's how we all "became" gay.

I was very young when I can remember my first "feelings" but didn't have a vocabulary or framework to describe it. It wasn't until I was in my teens that I began to experiment and had my first actual experience. I know it was just the "normal" boy-to-boy curiousity for them...and I also knew it meant much more to me than it did to them. To them, it was "getting off." To me, it was emotional and so fulfilling.

In college, I got in with an extreme fundamental group and became a Christian. I went to ex-gay counseling....got married, etc. I wasn't able to come out until my late 30s. Now I'm in a long-term relationship.

“Compromise yourself for no one”

Since: Dec 06

Cajun Country

#14 Aug 28, 2007
I was about 7. I saw Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman and that was it for me!
alex rod

Rye, NY

#15 Aug 28, 2007
Asian I found your story interesting. When you got married and were part of the ex-gays did you claim to no longer have gay sexuality or did you say you still struggled.

If you said you left homosexuality, did it feel as though you were lying to yourself or what? What is the driving force for ex-gays to claim they are no longer gay when its not true?

“Author in search of a niche”

Since: Jul 07

Dallas, TX

#16 Aug 28, 2007
alex rod wrote:
Asian I found your story interesting. When you got married and were part of the ex-gays did you claim to no longer have gay sexuality or did you say you still struggled.
If you said you left homosexuality, did it feel as though you were lying to yourself or what? What is the driving force for ex-gays to claim they are no longer gay when its not true?
(Actually, it's ASLAN...not Asian)

Yes, I did made that claim throughout the program.(I regret having to admit that now) I was really trying, so that's what I would tell folks. "It worked for me." But inside, I knew the feelings and desires were still there. But it looked like it was working for everyone else...so what was wrong with me? And the environment didn't allow for that kind of honesty. When someone would admit it wasn't working....guess what? It's not the program's fault.

In other words, if the program wasn't working, it was MY fault...not the program. I didn't have enough faith, I didn't pray enough...or hard enough. I needed to hold on to God, I needed to let go. I needed to memorize more Scripture. I needed to be anointed with oil I needed hands laid on me by the elders. I needed the demons cast out of me. I needed to forgive my overbearing mother and my distant mother. I needed to confess my sins. I needed to be celibate. I need to marry a woman and behave "as if" I were heterosexual and God would make it so.

And you know what. I did all that...and it still didn't make me straight. But who's fault is that? It was mine....'cause that's the only explanation that fits within such a tight and irrefutable framework of faith for these programs. There wasn't "permission" within the groups to express true feeling. We all either said what was expected, or we left the program.(And then, we were viewed as someone who wouldn't commit fully to God)

Do you wonder why their stats are so impressive? No one wants to admit they failed! It's why I fight so hard against those on this thread who continue to talk about how successful these programs are. THEY DON'T WORK!!!

(Sorry for the long explanation!)
sophi

Denver, CO

#17 Aug 29, 2007
AslanWRP wrote:
<quoted text>
(Actually, it's ASLAN...not Asian)
Yes, I did made that claim throughout the program.(I regret having to admit that now) I was really trying, so that's what I would tell folks. "It worked for me." But inside, I knew the feelings and desires were still there. But it looked like it was working for everyone else...so what was wrong with me? And the environment didn't allow for that kind of honesty. When someone would admit it wasn't working....guess what? It's not the program's fault.
In other words, if the program wasn't working, it was MY fault...not the program. I didn't have enough faith, I didn't pray enough...or hard enough. I needed to hold on to God, I needed to let go. I needed to memorize more Scripture. I needed to be anointed with oil I needed hands laid on me by the elders. I needed the demons cast out of me. I needed to forgive my overbearing mother and my distant mother. I needed to confess my sins. I needed to be celibate. I need to marry a woman and behave "as if" I were heterosexual and God would make it so.
And you know what. I did all that...and it still didn't make me straight. But who's fault is that? It was mine....'cause that's the only explanation that fits within such a tight and irrefutable framework of faith for these programs. There wasn't "permission" within the groups to express true feeling. We all either said what was expected, or we left the program.(And then, we were viewed as someone who wouldn't commit fully to God)
Do you wonder why their stats are so impressive? No one wants to admit they failed! It's why I fight so hard against those on this thread who continue to talk about how successful these programs are. THEY DON'T WORK!!!
(Sorry for the long explanation!)
wow, thanks for sharing that. ASLAN... your icon makes more sense now.
alexrod

Rye, NY

#18 Aug 29, 2007
thank you for sharing Aslan, i hope more people find inner peace like you

“Author in search of a niche”

Since: Jul 07

Dallas, TX

#19 Aug 29, 2007
Thanks. It was a journey...but I am glad for the trip.(We used to call it an "E ticket ride" but that would date m!)

I am who I am now because of the road taken. God was with me...and still is. I value my faith now more than ever! And I am able to value who God made me to be.

“Please don't feed the ignorant”

Since: Aug 07

the planet earth

#20 Aug 29, 2007
aLifeUncommon wrote:
I was about 7. I saw Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman and that was it for me!
lol! mine was haley mills in the parent trap...and that movie was old even when I was a kid!
all kidding aside...I had crushes on girls as early as elementary school when I didn't even know what it meant. i thought that was how all girls felt about their female friends. When my friends started talking about and expressing interest in boys I started realizing I was different.

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