#318 Apr 10, 2009
apparently, i'm not allowed to post any longer
i wonder why?
#319 Apr 10, 2009
i guess that showed up
perhaps it is a computer related thing
#320 Apr 10, 2009
I don't think he's really gay if he confessed his love for you. Alot more goes into attraction besides who you'd like to sleep with. He might be attracted to men but not the sexual act, he could be bisexual or, he still feels the need to question his orintation. But love happens in all kinds of places you least expect them. Hopfully the two of you will look past all that to come together without the boundries that society sets up for us. He sounds like a really good guy who needs your support and is confused. give him alittle chance first.
#321 Apr 10, 2009
So here i go again...I have already posted my situation w/ my "gay" best friend whom I live with, but I'll do it again since I am seeing so much more clever and insightful responses. All of you seem to have a lot of experience with gay men and straight women relationships- so here is mine again. I am living with a "gay" man who is also my best friend. Whenever he gets drunk, he tries to kiss me, and he is all over me. He tells me he loves me, and we have a very deep connection with each other. I really think that he might like me, and I have developed a huge crush on him- I think I may be in love actually. He gets jealous when I talk about other guys. I just wonder if I should say something...do you all think I should or not? And when he has other guys over, I get very upset and sad...he also makes out with girls when he is drunk so I know he is attracted to women. Please help me..I just want to know what he feels about me so I can move on, but I don't want to make things weird between us...
#323 Apr 10, 2009
I am so thankful I found this website. I was going crazy for over six months. It is so good to know that I am not the only woman who has fallen for a gay man. My situation was very causal. It was a buisness situation where I did some work with a man who became a friend ( only through work though) We would discuss two minutes of buisness related material and then chat and chat! I never had a deeper connection with a man. I think what made me fall for him was how caring he was and so considerate. The little things he would do, like bring me a cup of coffee, really brightened up my day. It so nice for someone else to think about someone else during the day. I wish more people would do that! I often told myself he was my dream guy. I just need to find a straight version of him. There were times when I thought what if...there were moments...I thought I was going crazy until I found this site. I am so grateful for everyone that posted. It has helped me tremendously.
#324 Apr 10, 2009
I know it is hard,but I do think you should tell him how you feel and discuss what has happened between you guys. I know you think that it may make things weird, but aren't things a bit awkward now anyway? Take a chance and ask him. It may be hard,but I think it will help you in the long run.
#325 Apr 10, 2009
You totally need to read this book on amazon.look inside. This is a five star book based off the gay man, straight/Bisexual girl love. I recommend you to purchase this book for your own insight. I finshed it in 2 hours. Get it and you'll be thankful. Its called leather daddy and the femme !
#326 Apr 10, 2009
Things are already weird between you both. I don't remember you posting the part about making out with other girls also when he is drunk. I am sorry but if I knew a guy like that, I would say he is playing around and using words to get his own brand of satisfaction with anyone he pleases (men & women)
If you love him go ahead and tell him, I think you should. If he acknowledged he loved you and he loved many others, would you be prepared to share him with other men and women? Do you want to be his one and only?
If he doesn't want the same thing from you, don't dispare, you gave it a shot and there is nothing to hide your face about. You have a right to express your feelings.
"Perhap,Perhaps,Perhaps - Doris Day
You won't admit you love me
And so how am I ever to know?
You always tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
A million times I've asked you,
And then I ask you over again
You only answer
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
If you can't make your mind up
We'll never get started
And I don't wanna wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted
So if you really love me
Say yes, but if you don't dear, confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"
#327 Apr 11, 2009
Heres the thing, when it comes to relationships honesty is the best policy. If you want to know where things really stand, you have to talk to this guy. Having said that I caution you to prepare yourself for the worst.
This will not be a normal situation where you tell a guy that you like him and he responds that youre very nice and hes flattered, but he doesnt think of you that way. This is a far more sensitive and volatile matter where you are essentially calling into question some truth that he may have labored a long time to come to grips with. He may find it extremely upsetting to even talk about it.
That was the thing that shocked me initially was the anger and absolute unwillingness to even discuss the subject. It was so bizarre and hurtful. As time passed he came around, but initially the blow was devastating.
So I urge you to be emotionally prepared for it. Know that it most likely will not go well, but this is the first hurdle, it will never get better unless you cross this threshold.
If it helps know that hes not really reacting to you per se, as much as hes reacting to the threat of challenging a belief that he may have held about himself. In the aftermath, he will have to work through his feelings which may be a slow and painful process. But I would encourage you to make a clean break from him during his sorting process. For one thing it will protect you and start you down the road of emotional independence, and it will also force him to see what life is like without you in it. That may jolt him to reality much quicker than if you lingered.
Of course, your case could go completely the opposite way and he'll be kind and confess his feelings. These situations are unpredictable.
Best of Luck and let us know how it goes.
Since: Apr 09
#328 Apr 12, 2009
I am so grateful for this forum...can't believe I found so many women in the same situation.
I wrote a long posting and ended up accidentally deleting it. I recently met someone (a gay man) and it was like a thunderbolt. I cannot explain it. I will write about my meeting later on...because I do need some support.
However, this is the thought going through my mind as I process my feelings for this amazing man I met.
Why do we have to label everything? What if...love is just LOVE? Just as a woman falls in love with a man...or a woman in love with another woman or a man with a man...why is it so impossible to believe that a gay man might just "fall" for a straight woman?
Nothing in love is impossible. Everything with love is possible.
Now, I don't know about my situation as it is in its very, very early stages. I don't know exactly how he feels (for sure). But I have gone through the scenario in my mind...would I care if he looked at/slept with other men? Or if he never slept with me or had sex with me? If he said, "I think I am falling for you...but I still am attracted to other men..." Would it matter?
Why? Because the love I have for him is on such a different/deeper level. It transcends all that. It is the meeting of kindred souls. I have had a lot of wonderful gay male friends through the years, but I have never, ever felt any other attraction except as a sister...but this came out of left field and is so deeply profound. I will tell all later....as it is late here...and too long to go into.
I think that sexuality, attraction, chemistry...is very, very fluid. Having been in sexless relationships with straight men...how important is sex anyway?? Honestly?? How important is sex when it is a "hokey-pokey, okey-dokey" snooze-a-rama...and you are left staring at the ceiling? Would you NOT trade that for lying in bed with a gay man who holds you and strokes your head and tells you bedtime stories until you both fall asleep?
How many of us women would just want to be with a man who holds us, cherishes us, loves us, kisses us and tells us how beautiful we are...and accepts us as we are?(Well...as a woman in her 40's, I would certainly want that...rather than a snorting, grunting, swearing, horrid straight man who can't even remember your birthday!)
I spent the most glorious birthday this year...not with my soon-to-be-ex who is straight...but with three gay male friends who were so loving, gentlemanly and attentive. They knew I had been through hell recently and they wanted to make me feel extra special. I was given the best table in one of the most posh restaurants...they ordered the best wines and made sure that the owner of the restaurant knew that it was a special occasion, so I was given the red carpet treatment on all levels. I laughed and was moved to tears with their generosity. I was toasted and feted like a princess...something that my husband never had the inkling, grace or thought to do...he was too busy with his myriad affairs to care. I have had enough.
It comes down to this...in my opinion...love will appear in the most unexpected ways and in the most unexpected places...and your soulmate will come when you least expect it. Gay, straight, bi, confused...love just IS.
Why on earth can't a gay man fall in love with a straight woman? He can. After a certain age, sex is secondary to companionship..to true friendship and sharing and sweetness.(Think of Merv Griffin and Eva Gabor...they were nuts about each other...or remember that episode of "Sex in the City" with Nathan Lane who married that socialite even though Carrie and the girls SWORE he was gay? Did he stop being gay? No, probably not. But he just fell in love with someone who made him happy...and she happened to be a straight woman! Go see this episode, girls...and boys.)
When we put people in boxes, we don't let them grow. Love cannot be put into a box. Neither can our hearts.
Since: Oct 08
#329 Apr 14, 2009
Lola: Your response to Erin was so perfectly well put. Almost a year ago, I had "the talk" with the gay man that I'm in love with, and it didn't go well at all, and I was shocked. We're both very expressive and good communicators, but it was the strangest conversation, because of all the psychological dynamics that you're talking about. It's taken this whole year to pick up the pieces of that conversation, where he basically denied my whole reality. When you're in the midst of it, it's very hard to understand, and argue with the "I'm gay" defense. I mean, what can you say to that, really? So your advice to Erin is excellent...be prepared to come up against some pretty significant defenses and know that this is just the first step in the journey of him (hopefully) being willing to really look inside himself and come to his own truth about his feelings.
#330 Apr 15, 2009
I am in basically the same situation as everyone else.
Ill start with we are in our 40s.
I met him about 2 years ago just as casual friends, within the past 7 months, we have become inseparable. He told me he was gay at the beginning of the past 7 months.
He is not in a relationship right now (or has he been since Ive known him) and this is what scares me, I've never actually seen him with a man. I think I am going to have a really hard time when the time comes that he does find someone because I am falling in love with him.
I try so hard not to think about him and that I should be looking for my own Mr. Right but how can you when someone you love so much is always there in your life. I know you will probably tell me to back off, I cant, I cant go a day without talking with him or seeing him and it seems the same way for him (he calls everyday and stops by).
I know this is strange, but he gave me a cell phone so we can keep in touch at all times (financially it was a better deal than us keeping 2 phones and going over in minutes each month, when you talk to someone more than 900 minutes a month, it gets expensive).
He takes me to all of his functions with him like Im his wife/girlfriend and I do the same. He even kids around that Im his wife to some people and we laugh it off. There are little things he does that makes me wonder if he is truly 100% gay, but then there are things that he does that say yes, hes gay.
Ive also noticed that when we do things together he's very protective of me, making sure Im alright. I think there might be a little bit of jealousy involved as well. If another man strikes up a conversation with me, hes right there and puts his arm around me.
He treats me with so much respect its hard not to love this man!
Im afraid to talk to him about it because Im afraid Ill lose a friend if I bring it up and I would just be crushed if that happened.
Im so glad I found this forum to express my feelings and maybe get some incite from others.
Thanks for listening!
#331 Apr 15, 2009
This is so amazing that such feelings exist in so many places of the world! What you've told us is very similar to my situation!
My wonderful Friend & I met about 8 month ago. it's.(We are fellow students, very far from home, 2 different cultures, languages in 2 sibling souls...)
He's become a great firend to me, and I'm sure he feel this freidnship is strong.... His caring and thoughtfull nature & intellignece attracted me...
This is, I think, not a physical attraction, but beyond it.
I wish I could make Him feel how much I love Him!
But my dilemma is the same..... This is a relationship like "magic" & I'm affraid of spoling it with saying "I love you". But what if He also feels something, but confused? He doesn't have anyone since I know Him.
Sometimes there are signs of a little romantic things like holding hands, hugging & kissing each other (like a brother & a sister)but also signs of creating distance - wonder why! LOVE is never mentioned between us & & no flirting remarks at all.....
And yet, when we're together, I feel joy & being proctected!
I'm waiting patiently..... & hope he feels how MUCH His Friendship means to me & express feelings with returning his care with kindness!
Thank you reading & sorry for my English, it's not the best!
#332 Apr 15, 2009
This is an odd question.
I am sure gay men are capable of loving people of both sexes. However, if they fell in love with persons of the opposite sex, would they then not be gay?
Since: Mar 09
#333 Apr 15, 2009
I think that there are men who are not born gay but leave the world of female love, for whatever reason, to be with a male soulmate. If some of these later find they can love a female it might mean they were playing masquerade in the gay world.
But it might be true that a man, born gay, who has never felt an urge for sexual love with a female, then finds a soulmate who happens to be female. This would be the hardest thing in the world for a truly gay man to deal with. He may feel he can never please this woman he cares for in everyway he thinks she deserves. If he can't please her then he is in danger of losing her, the one person who cares for him more than any other person he has known. However he can keep her as an intimate friend, the closest thing to a lover, indefinitely, so long as he or she says nothing about love.
In my case, my personality is so much like the gay man I know, it is unsettling. I am not him of course and I have to keep reminding myself. I have these high expectations of him. I expect him to be fair to all including me and I imagine him thinking on the same level and feeling the same emotions when it comes to dealing with our colleagues. He also has high expectations of me, and sometimes I cannot reach that high, sometimes I fail to be little miss perfect and then he swoops in to attack. I think it is because he doesn't want there to be this person that is "too good to be true" He has played that Frankie Valli song a couple times only when I am around, and he doesn't play music, normally, except christmas songs during the season.
We have at times without realizing it said the exact same phrase at the exact time. and been told by others about it. Kind of freaky. I often make a satirical comment first and he parrots it, he doesn't mock it, but repeats it like it is worth repeating and he wished he'd said it first or he was going to say it but I beat him to it.
He is in a long term relationship with a man, but speaks only of the man's defects or where they will dine out some evening, nothing more. I really wish I could get away from him, but he is at present by supervisor, and I feel I am lucky to have a job in this economy.
I flip-flop a lot, but currently I am determined to stay detached, and since we are so much a like, I think he is determined to do the same. We will never speak of our feelings and it makes me sad.
When I get a chance for a promotion, I will go for it and get out from under him. It is so hard trying to please a man who is determined he won't ever be pleased by a woman.
I thought I had a break through the other day when he recommended the film "The King of Masks" and said how much he liked it. He is from a Japanese background, and I think his asian roots also affect his opinion of women. I thought maybe he was rethinking his position. But now I am not so sure.
This is a very different story than the rest here, I hope you will all see now why, my comments tend to be about the negative rather than the positive. I am becoming more aware of the fact that I have fallen for someone who would rather die than renounce his title and standing as a gay man in his community.
I pray all the women here are happier in there situation in life, than I am in mine.
I apologize for the novel.
#334 Apr 16, 2009
Yes, Im trying to be very patient in this situation because I suspect that it must be very difficult for them to do an about face. This is especially the case if they have been particularly outspoken claiming that its not a choice and they were born that way. They may feel that it will be humiliating to lose face by saying,Uh, yeah, about that whole not a choice thing turns out I can choose. They may feel that they are betraying their cause or setting it back by switching teams.
Once again, how will it look having to go back to family members and friends who may have struggled to come to grips with his sexuality, only now to hear him say,Oops, sorry about all that hassle. Im with a girl now.
They would like to wish us away and go back to their safe little gay world and forget we exists. Only they cant forget that we exist because they cant deny their feelings. Hes fallen in love with a woman and he hates it. Its a constant source of irritation to him because he cant escape his own feelings.
It takes real maturity and courage for them to be true to their feelings and pursue their true love even if it happens to be a female. I doubt many of them are that strong. Further, the gay community may paint their return to heterosexuality as weak, or selling out to mainstream society.
So thats why Ive been patient with him when normally I would have called such an indecisive man a coward and told him to take a hike.
I feel that he is struggling and suffering, and its because of me. Therefore, I feel obliged to see him through this.
By the way, I strongly suspect that he is coming here and reading my posts...just another sign of his obsession with me.
#335 Apr 16, 2009
I have known my best friend forever. We are childhood friends who have intentionally built our lives around eachother in almost everyway. I have had many relationships with men, and some of them have been quite long term. They were never successful, and we always found our way back to this incredible supportive and platonic connection. My feelings for him are more intense as the years go by, as I feel such love for him and vise versa, and the mutual respect and amazing soul mate connection we have. We always express how grateful we are to have each other in our lives and how great it would be to be together all the time. Did I ever wonder if there could more? Sure, but why analyze the greatness of friendship. Did I ever wonder if he was gay? Of course, but better not to know if he is not interested in giving that information. He has never been in any relationship, male or female. I just saw that no matter what, his insecurity must be driving his lack of relationship.
We finally made the decision to live in the same city for the first time since we were children. I entered this idea knowing that our relationship has always been platonic and also questioning the huge commitment we were making to one another by being in the same town (meaning that we would always be together). But not analyzing it. I love him, and I know we would be happy being together more often, even though in my heart I know that it would probably pull me away from finding a relationship with another man.
He tells me this week that he must disclose something before I move to his town. He is gay, and has known this his whole life, for the most part. Okay. The truth is out. But... and this is a huge but... He has never been with a man, has no intention of ever being with a man, ever. That is not what he is into- he actually finds this to be unappealing. And he has no intention of coming out to anyone else but me. And he wants to be in a relationship with me, marry me, etc, everything but the one obvious thing. I am his one true love, always and forever. He said all the right things I want the man in my life to say, and I love him truly. He says he feels selfish for putting me in this situation, but this is what he has always wanted, and his conflict has always been his attraction to men (or his lack of attraction to me). He just thinks that sex is something he never needs, and that our love is so true that it is the only thing he is sure about.
Is it possible for this to ever work? Is this realistic?(sorry for the length).
#336 Apr 16, 2009
Wow. It never occurred to me that my friend could be reading my posts.
Or yours.(not that my name is Riat- I mean, come on)
I imagine my writing style is identifiable.
Now that you mention this- I think it is a good thing.
We all keep getting back to the same idea.
That idea keeps permeating:
love is just love.
sex is sex.
but the combination of these two things seems to create so may problems-that to me, seem really small.
It just seems like (in reading these posts)
it never is the case that there is not feeling there between two people.
In all of these cases, there is.
It is only what to do about it....
It seems like our labels are so behind our feelings- and people have to be brave enough to challenge them.
But it also seems like that isn't going to happen in the relatively short term- relative to all of our respective quandries.
It is a pity there is this boundary between people of like mind coming together.
What seems strange to me, is that because of the nature of this thing- few of us are able to have straight up conversations with these people in our lives about what to do about these connections.
That is the part that doesn't seem so obvious.
It would be innovative if people could look into the truth of their feelings and construct a new kind of relationship (what to do about it) around those true feelings.
I think the problem is that "what to do about it" is just assumed- it is assumed that people will "do" certain things if they "love" each other.
I don't think that is even true. I think that is the creative part.
I think the problem in all of these cases is that people assume their feelings are the creative (i.e. interpretable and changeable and Lie-able part) when I think the doing is the part they can interpret, decide creatively about, and construct. I don't know. I'm just so sad that I can no longer talk to my friend- and the reason has become this kind of lie-
"he's gay" .
Well, in my case- I don't care that he's gay- I love him but I don't need to date him- and somehow - he can't understand that. I see this as a sad loss of someone special in my life.
and I also see it as dishonest on his part, because- if he didn't feel the same way- he would not be so terrified.
all love has loss built into it. it is just part of the deal.
we all know that.
I'll take it anyhow.
Since: Mar 09
#337 Apr 16, 2009
Does he at least cuddle with you?
Can you spend the rest of your life in a brothr/sister asexual relationship? Do you have plans to try to change him into a guy who wants to have sex with you?
It sounds like what he is saying to you is take him as he is, give up sex like he has. Can you cast the physical aside as easily as he can? If you can then yes is could work.
But if you want to experience all aspects of a male/female relationship, I would say no it won't work, you will end up a desperate housewife.
just my opinion.
#338 Apr 17, 2009
Thanks so much for your opinion. I guess my real concern is, will he actually be able to suppress his sexual drive for men, forever? I understand he is gay, and that he doesn't want to embrace it, but doesn't this take time. I could suggest that I am a cover up, but we truly love eachother and do everything together, so its not like I am a desperate woman (basically, everyone thinks we are together or hopes we will cross the friendship barrier at some point).
I just know that I have always felt like he wasn't attracted to me in that way (and wasn't upset, since I was secure in my sexual attraction to other men and so it didn't affect my self esteem, etc), and should I give him the opportunity to find that sexual attraction with a man? He thinks that he is being selfish by asking me to live a monogomous and non-sex life that is filled with love, trust, compassion, and true identity, but I feel like I am being selfish by not releasing him (even though it would clearly be a cruel and painful break up) and forcing him to explore the options. He might hate me, and find another girl to settle with (which would be horrible, but then again, I would know that he was just hiding if that's what he did), or find a man to be with (painful to lose him, but at least he is finding himself), or come back to me with a greater assurance. But, I am not willing to wait forever, and this sounds like everyone here is playing a huge patience game. This is 20 yrs of my life in the making here, so I am just trying to find my place in all of this.
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