Do Gay Men Fall in Love With Women

Since: May 08

Beggs, OK

#194 Oct 22, 2008
Patti wrote:
I am married and work with a wonderful gay man. We have become very good friends. The first time we went out was to a gay bar. We had a great time just talking about work, each others lives, etc. He told me he has never even kissed a girl and that he's known forever that he is gay. He goes out on dates with men every weekend but never seems happy with who he meets. Twice in the last month we've been at different work functions where we both could have hung out with other people but spent the day with each other. We both seem so comfortable with each other and others have commented on how "cute" we look together. I think I'm falling for this guy! We haven't discussed having sex with each other or anything like that but at one of the work functions, he put his arm around my waist as we walked around. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be with me, especially around our co-workers. Most people know he is gay. Some people that don't know us well assume we are a couple (so I've heard through the grapevine). We always hug each other and tease each other. I want to try more but don't want to push him. What should I do? Where is this all going?
See a psychologist. If he's gay he might be a great friend but nothing more.

Since: Oct 08

Los Angeles, CA

#195 Oct 25, 2008
Hi Patti,

It's very hard to say or predict where your situation will lead. On this board, I've read stories all across the spectrum, and every situation is different. But the one thing that is consistent in all of the stories, my own included, is that when confronted about their feelings or behaviors, they deny it. I think it's just way too overwhelming for them to deal with something so confusing to them. If they identify themselves as gay, then how do they explain if they're feeling attracted to a woman? It's easy for us on our end to say "what's the big deal? Feelings are feelings and you can't help what you feel", but for them, it's a much more loaded situation. Most openly gay men are totally entrenched in the gay lifestyle (their friends, social scene etc). Sooo, I'm saying all of this to help you understand that if you do choose to talk to your co-worker about the situation, be prepared for all types of responses. On the flip side, he could respond very positively and then you can come back here and tell us all the good news! But I just want you to understand that even if he is attracted to you, as you are to him, he may not give you a "straight answer" (pun intended!)
kally

Ottawa, Canada

#196 Nov 1, 2008
ha ha ha I like how this topic lasted a year.

I have 2 best friends, one is Bi-sexual, and the other is Gay. The bisexual one is a female and the completely homosexual one is male. With both I've had the experience being so in tune with each other and so connected through having the same energy that we have once confused it with romantic love and kissed.:-D hey it happens!

The thing is, some people just click so well that we think, wow I could spend my life with you! Alas with friendship that can be possible, relationships can have many faces.

The reason why girls and Gay guys can get along so well is that, well we share something in common we both like men, and we are free spirits. I don't think I have ever met a straight guy who gets it as much as woman and gay guys do. Just enjoy your rich friendship and get over it girl! He's likes men too, this is your chance to compare notes about hot men, have fun and be silly without the competitiveness of other woman and get to be all that you are in front the one man you'll probably feel the most comfortable around in your lifetime. Don't ruin it by trying make it more than it is. The reason you cant find a straight man as honest and fun to be with as your gay friend is because he's just not into you that way! He's your friend. Romantic Infatuation is coupled with mystery and the complicated dynamics of "does he like me", so understandably with all the hoopla of attraction, your friendship that's so connected and care-free may seem attractive right now, but just wait for that man who...actually wants a relationship with you, and don't ruin your lovely friendship that could last a lifetime just because your impatient to find "the one". If you care about your best friend, you will keep in mind that he is gay and his "one" will be another male.
dawn

United States

#197 Nov 2, 2008
my usband looks at gay porn an chats is he might be bi or gay
dawn

United States

#198 Nov 2, 2008
also we have not has sex in 7 yr due to him not me

Since: Nov 08

La Verne, CA

#199 Nov 3, 2008
I have a question for you guys. My roomate is supposedly gay, but he always looks at my body up and down, and when he is drunk he likes to hold my hand and hold me from the back, and one time he kissed me on the lips. The other night he made out with a girl, and said that he would be having sex with her later. We hang out a lot, and unfortunately, I have started to develop feelings for this guy. Do you think he has a crush on me? Is he bi? Or what?

Since: May 08

Beggs, OK

#200 Nov 3, 2008
Erinww wrote:
I have a question for you guys. My roomate is supposedly gay, but he always looks at my body up and down, and when he is drunk he likes to hold my hand and hold me from the back, and one time he kissed me on the lips. The other night he made out with a girl, and said that he would be having sex with her later. We hang out a lot, and unfortunately, I have started to develop feelings for this guy. Do you think he has a crush on me? Is he bi? Or what?
He's definitely bi if he's doing all of that. The big question is what kind of guy in a society that hates homosexuals is going to be claiming that he's homosexual when he isn't? Are you sure you want to get serious with a guy like that?

Of course maybe he's bisexual and was in a gay relationship and is one of those people that more comfortable with things being black or white with no gray areas. So he gets some comfort from identifying as a homosexual. But he's obviously bisexual.

Since: Nov 08

La Verne, CA

#201 Nov 4, 2008
Wow! Thank you for that answer. By reading a lot of these questions and comments, it seems like these gay men who are flirting and loving their straight women friend (s) have this in common:

a) They feels more comfortable identifiying with the gay community (even though he is bi).

b) The men are confused and can't figure out what they want, and when they do, it won't be for a very very long time.(Did you see the post of the 70 year old situation?

So my question to you now is, has anyone ever seen a supposed gay man or bi man actually want to settle down, get married, love his wife, have kids with her, and live happily ever after with a white picked fence?

I have never heard of such a thing, but I would like to know who has.
(lol this would give me hope of my roomate situation! haha)

Since: May 08

Beggs, OK

#202 Nov 4, 2008
Erinww wrote:
Wow! Thank you for that answer. By reading a lot of these questions and comments, it seems like these gay men who are flirting and loving their straight women friend (s) have this in common:
a) They feels more comfortable identifiying with the gay community (even though he is bi).
b) The men are confused and can't figure out what they want, and when they do, it won't be for a very very long time.(Did you see the post of the 70 year old situation?
So my question to you now is, has anyone ever seen a supposed gay man or bi man actually want to settle down, get married, love his wife, have kids with her, and live happily ever after with a white picked fence?
I have never heard of such a thing, but I would like to know who has.
(lol this would give me hope of my roomate situation! haha)
Well it's possible that it has happened most likely by those who are religiously motivated. But I would guess much more often than not, that situation eventually blows up. It's totally normal for human beings to meet basic psychological needs of loving and being loved through a romantic relationship. But an actual homosexual in a relationship with the opposite sex isn't in an actual romantic relationship. He's not even attracted to his partner and that attraction is a part of what differentiates good platonic friendships from romantic interests. The result is an extreme power differential. The poor woman likely has a lot of her feelings invested in whether her partner loves her (in a romantic way) and finds her attractive. He on the other hand isn't going to be affected much one way or another by his wife's romantic love or attraction to him. Why? Because it's fairly meaningless unless it's coming from someone we actually feel the same way about. So such relationships are usually toxic or at the very least, dysfunctional.

Here's a website that has a lot of information about possible consequences:

www.gayhusbands.com

Since: Oct 08

Terre Haute, IN

#203 Nov 4, 2008
Leslie wrote:
Are there gay men who fall in love with women but only want to have sex with men? That is, are there people who just want to keep their romantic love separate from their sex?
Yes, but gay men usually have a great capacity for male emotional attachment ... even if sex is not involved.

Since: Nov 08

La Verne, CA

#204 Nov 4, 2008
Thank you for all of your information and insight! I guess what has to happen with my roomate situation is that he has to figure out for himself what he REALLY wants down the line...a man or a woman. As for now, he is acting bisexual...
some help please

Auckland, New Zealand

#205 Nov 16, 2008
I am sooo in love with my best gay friend, and he knows how i feel, and yet he tells me that he is just not into woman now, but he slept with one of his other females friends a couple of years back. We got quite tipsy the other night and shared these amazing passionate kisses and i mean amazing like nothing i have experienced before but the next day when i tried to take it further he wouldnt have a bar of it, wot were these kisses about or am i just reading to much into it. I want him soooo bad it hurts
starry

Stockholm, Sweden

#206 Nov 16, 2008
I am female and in love with a very confused guy. He says he might be gay, but he is not sure. He´s 30 years old… I would have thought there was like a maximum age for being confused?
He says he prefers sex with a girl but has only ever had crush on boys. Anyone heard of this kind of case?
Our relationship is pretty much like many described here. I am hopelessly in love with him and he is hopelessly confused. He told me he might be gay the morning after we first had sex. Only later he tested gay sex and didn´t like it as much as he expected.
We have slept together a few times since – and this summer he started talking about that he wanted to live his life with me. I think he truly wanted this from the bottom of his heart, but later he backed out, saying he´s not in love with me. He says I am the perfect partner for him – the best friend he ever had, bunch of great qualities, that the sex is great – the only missing ingredient is his love.
For me this is all extremely painful, I love him so much but he´s been playing me like a yo-yo for years now.
How can I break out of this destructive cycle and what´s his problem anyway?
Elise

Montréal, Canada

#207 Nov 17, 2008
To Starry:
Been there done that and the only thing I can say with 100% certainty is that nothing good is ever going to come out of this situation for either party. Please read through all previous posts by women who are or who've been in the same boat. I have yet to read one where the final outcome has been positive. Take my advice and cut off all ties with your friend. Easier said than done I know but if happiness is what you're after in life, you owe it to yourself to get away from him completely. Cut him off , it's important that you sever even the ties of friendship - that's really the ONLY way you can move on completely from him. It might sound a bit harsh but take it from someone who's been there, and I can finally say that I'm over him although it took me almost 2 years to get there.
starry

Stockholm, Sweden

#208 Nov 17, 2008
Thanks for your answer, Elise. Not exactly what I wanted to hear but you may be right.
I´ve skimmed through the posts here and they are not very uplifting – although it is reassuring to find that I am not alone in this situation.
It seems that in most cases these friendships are very deep and important – certainly true in my case – which makes it extra painful to cut ties.
An extra dimension of the problem is that I promised him I wouldn´t tell anyone about his confusion – which inhibits me from discussing the source of my pain with friends or family. I have been faithfully guarding his secret for years and I don´t think he realizes what a burden it is. It´s like he´s dragged me into his closet.
I believe sexuality is better described by a fluid multi-dimensional scale than as compartmens. I suspect that most people experience same sex attraction at some point in their life. I certainly had some years where I felt girls were so much more interesting and actually had a very serious crush on a female friend.
Therefore I felt I could relate to my confused friend´s issues and drawing a paralell with my own experience made me beleive that anything is possible. His aversion for male-male sex also baffles me.
But I guess the main point is that he is not in love with me – gay or not.
Aussie Girl

Melbourne, Australia

#209 Nov 21, 2008
This is my situation. I fell in love with a woman and she with me. We shared the strongest of emotional connections, would pleasure each other, etc. She was 100% lesbian. She only looked at and was turned on by women. She was my first and only female lover. It lasted for 2.5 years. However, as much as I enjoyed being with her, I only ever look at men outside of our relationship. The funny thing is, even though I am very girly in every way, I often wonder whether I am a gay man in a woman's body. I LOVE gay porn... men on men action, and often fantasize about having a penis and having fun with it with men. I am not turned on by lesbian or straight porn. I kind of equate my lesbian sex experience and my straight sex experience with mutual masturbation. While having it, I'm thinking about gay guy activities. I would love to meet a gay/bi man who would have "adventures" and tell me about it later, or allow me to watch,and yet have a normal, loving relationship in every other regard.
karri

Vilnius, Lithuania

#210 Dec 5, 2008
Erinww wrote:
Wow! Thank you for that answer. By reading a lot of these questions and comments, it seems like these gay men who are flirting and loving their straight women friend (s) have this in common:
a) They feels more comfortable identifiying with the gay community (even though he is bi).
b) The men are confused and can't figure out what they want, and when they do, it won't be for a very very long time.(Did you see the post of the 70 year old situation?
So my question to you now is, has anyone ever seen a supposed gay man or bi man actually want to settle down, get married, love his wife, have kids with her, and live happily ever after with a white picked fence?
I have never heard of such a thing, but I would like to know who has.
(lol this would give me hope of my roomate situation! haha)
i have such a man right now, we are expecting a child together:)
Emily

Toronto, Canada

#211 Dec 19, 2008
Gay men are often confused themselves Diana, and so will dilibratly evoke closeness and affection from their straight female friends to test their own capabilities. Either they have no idea how this adversly affect the women in their life, or they selfishly disregard her feelings to satisfy their own comfort. I've just read all of these posts, and my heart goes out to jcf. as a women going through a painful sepeation from my gay friend of only 6 years (5 of which he claims he didn't know he was gay. i can say that the truth is we both told ourselves lies: i pretended not to be falling in love with him, and he pretending to straight. i'm still struggling to find peace with this. i had a lot of resentment, and still do, but am ultimately coming to the conclusion that if society were more accepting of queer thought/ lifestyle then potentially men and women would know their preference early on and avoid the hearach associated with telling lies.
Bob

AOL

#212 Dec 21, 2008
Quest wrote:
I believe that it's quite possible for someone to "fall in love" romantically with someone outside of their sexual orientation.
Who knows what causes a person to fall in love that way. It's not all about sex, but more about a "soul-connection". However, people also seem to be hardwired to include sex in with romantic love. A large part of the purpose of sex seems to be to bond a couple closer together, after all, so that makes sense.
I haven't seen it happen that often, and most of the time, it seems to turn into friendship, once the "romance" fades a bit.
Perhaps without some measure of true sexual attraction, a romantic relationship can't be maintained on that level. You see that "fading" happen in a lot of straight marriages as well.
You are quite right. Without sexual attraction, a lasting romantic relationship is an impossibility.
I also know of the "fading" that occurs in straight marriages. That is when making love becomes a chore rather than a joy. Been there,done that.
str8tgirl

Alpharetta, GA

#213 Dec 22, 2008
Riddle me this... I am a very attractive girl in my mid/late 30's and have been hanging out with gay boys and going to gay clubs and circuit parties for 10 years, both as a single woman, and as a married or attached woman. It doesn't matter which bar or club I got to, I have gay men "cruising" me all night long, especially if I am out alone. The big surprise is at a so-called "leather" bar where older, more extreme, gay men cruise me on a consistent basis. They are very obvious with their intentions, oftentimes going as far as dancing on me from behind and touching me. Yes, I have picked up gay men (always safe sex) in the past in this fashion. Also, every gay friend I have ever had, whether he is a top, bottom, has been or has never been with a woman sexually, crosses lines especially when a little alcohol is flowing. I know these men will never be "straight", but do they cross the lines sexually? It baffles me. More than half of my sexual partners have been gay men. I understand there is no potential for dating there, and typically gay men are better in bed so I feel there is some benefit! Any comments?

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