How to deal with my best friend who told me he was gay and attracted to me.

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Amherst Dude

New York, NY

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#1
Feb 22, 2011
 
This was a really screwed up long weekend for me. I feel like I cannot talk to any of my friends about this so please do offer some advice or some words.

I have been best friends with my one friend (I am calling him Kyle) since I was 10. We grew up together. We do not go to the same college, but live in a college town with 5 colleges connected into one. I pretty much hang out with this kid all the time. On friday, I went to a party with some buddies and got real drunk. When I went back to Kyle's room around 3 am, he told me "that he wanted to come out" and he was attracted to me. He kissed me for a minute (he initiated). I was really drunk and then realized it did not feel right and left the room. I walked back to my part of campus. The next morning, I just kept having these thoughts in my mind that our friendship was a lie. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against people who are bi/gay. Its just that for over 11 years, we (along with another guy growing up) did everything together. It just seems off that after all these years, I am finding out something about this guy that I had no reason to suspect.

Anyway, the next night, I texted Kyle and went over to his room. At first, it was awkward and he tried to talk about some school crap. I then told him that we needed to talk about what he said to me (and did) last night. The guy just sat down with his hands over his head- and finally started to talk. He pretty much told me (without repeating word for word) that he is very uncomfortable about this, but he is pretty sure he is gay. He said hes been dealing with this for many years now. He also admitted to me that he is very attracted to me (and has been for some time) but does not want to be. I did not really say anything except "ok" and "i dont know what you want me to say" (now looking back, saying that was probably not the most comforting thing to him). I told him that I am straight and not attracted to him, but just want things to go back to how they were. He then said "i think we need a break in our friendship." When I told him that we can find a way to stay friends, he told me to leave his building. Fine. Then he texts me saying "please don't tell anyone, especially x (our other friend from home)." I say fine. He then says "I am serious when I say our friendship needs to be put on hold." Ok...He then tells me he is deleting my name from his cell phone (immature and stupid bc he has my number memorized). I did not even respond to that ridiculous message.

I get home and Kyle facebook blocks me (I want to point out we are in college and not middle school). He then tells our other friend that he needs to cancel his spring break ticket in two weeks for some family reasons. He even sends our friend the cancel confirmation. Its just really screwed up bc we have been planning this trip since June of 2010 and have been talking about it nonstop. When I texted him and told him "you should have talked to me before canceling the trip," he responded "I dont need your permission dude." wtf

Right now, I feel real alone about this. First, I find out that my best friend, I am not kidding you- this guy was like a brother to me, tells me he is gay. Second, he tells me he is attracted to me. Now, he completely wants to shut me out of his life and is acting like a child about it. Its just really f*cked up. I feel like I lost my best friend. Worst thing is, I cannot talk about this with any of our other friends because he specifically told me not to. I hate having this thought in my mind that one of my friendships was a lie for such a long time.

Anyone have any advice how I can feel a little better about this? I feel like my crude sort of humor wont fly anymore with this guy. Idk, I just have a shitload on my mind right now and need some advice on how to just get this **** out of my mind. On top of that I have a huge midterm this week and need to focus.

Since: Dec 07

Bloomingdale, IL

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#2
Feb 22, 2011
 
Dear Amherst Dude,
Yes, in a sense, your friendship has been a lie, because he was hiding an elemental part of himself. And, yes, he does seem to be handling the situation badly.
But maybe he has been hiding his sexuality from himself. I know how that is because I hid my own homosexuality from myself for a very long time. I pretended to be straight, convinced myself and male friends that I was.
But I don’t think childhood friendships are really about sex.
Think about your friendship with him from its start. Yes, probably he was attracted to you in some physical way. But he became your truly platonic friend, right? Your longstanding non-sexual relationship was valid, right?
Probably it is best for you to just be supportive. Do what he wants. Give him space to resolve his own struggle. Write him a letter telling him how you feel, that you’re kind of stunned but flattered, that you just want him to be himself and you to be yourself (a heterosexual), that you hope the friendship can survive this change.
Amherst Dude

New York, NY

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#3
Feb 22, 2011
 
David Jordan wrote:
Dear Amherst Dude,
Yes, in a sense, your friendship has been a lie, because he was hiding an elemental part of himself. And, yes, he does seem to be handling the situation badly.
But maybe he has been hiding his sexuality from himself. I know how that is because I hid my own homosexuality from myself for a very long time. I pretended to be straight, convinced myself and male friends that I was.
But I don’t think childhood friendships are really about sex.
Think about your friendship with him from its start. Yes, probably he was attracted to you in some physical way. But he became your truly platonic friend, right? Your longstanding non-sexual relationship was valid, right?
Probably it is best for you to just be supportive. Do what he wants. Give him space to resolve his own struggle. Write him a letter telling him how you feel, that you’re kind of stunned but flattered, that you just want him to be himself and you to be yourself (a heterosexual), that you hope the friendship can survive this change.
This is the OP:

Thanks for your response. Yea he has been my platonic friend. We j/o once when we were 8th grade- I dont think it was a gay type of thing do but more to due with puberty. It still gets me upset tho, because we are like brothers and I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he talks about sex with girls and does not appear to give off homosexual vibes (not saying that is a bad or good thing). I know I will learn to appreciate him for the person he truly is bc the person I have in my mind is not this kid. Now, I just cant help but think about all the times in the past- We backpacked with another buddy in Europe before we went off the college. We hooked up with girls. Just last week, he was talking about how he wanted to bang this girl in his class and that weekend he comes out as gay. Idk, its pretty screwed up IMO

Anyway- I texted him sayin "listen man, a lot of shit happened this weekend but I know we can find some way to be friends, I am not happy with the way you are trying to avoid me and its not something we should do to one another"---he responded saying that I was inconsiderate "and a bad influence on him....I need to focus on myself and do not need you to encourage me to make bad decisions." Then he told me "you drink a lot, you act like a fool and its getting to point where I need time to figure out my life without you. please do not contact me, I wont respond if you do". WTF

I cant talk about this with my other friends so I am just venting all these thoughts on the internet. Thanks for reading. I think hes acting like kind of an asshole to me right now, but I guess I need to realize that he is going through an identity crisis. I wish I could turn back the clock and none of this happened. I want my friendship dynamic to return, but shit happens.

Any other comments to help put me in my place or make me feel better about this whole screwed up situation is greatly appreciated.

Since: Dec 07

Bloomingdale, IL

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#4
Feb 23, 2011
 
Amherst Dude wrote:
<quoted text>
This is the OP:
Thanks for your response. Yea he has been my platonic friend. We j/o once when we were 8th grade- I dont think it was a gay type of thing do but more to due with puberty. It still gets me upset tho, because we are like brothers and I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he talks about sex with girls and does not appear to give off homosexual vibes (not saying that is a bad or good thing). I know I will learn to appreciate him for the person he truly is bc the person I have in my mind is not this kid. Now, I just cant help but think about all the times in the past- We backpacked with another buddy in Europe before we went off the college. We hooked up with girls. Just last week, he was talking about how he wanted to bang this girl in his class and that weekend he comes out as gay. Idk, its pretty screwed up IMO
Anyway- I texted him sayin "listen man, a lot of shit happened this weekend but I know we can find some way to be friends, I am not happy with the way you are trying to avoid me and its not something we should do to one another"---he responded saying that I was inconsiderate "and a bad influence on him....I need to focus on myself and do not need you to encourage me to make bad decisions." Then he told me "you drink a lot, you act like a fool and its getting to point where I need time to figure out my life without you. please do not contact me, I wont respond if you do". WTF
I cant talk about this with my other friends so I am just venting all these thoughts on the internet. Thanks for reading. I think hes acting like kind of an asshole to me right now, but I guess I need to realize that he is going through an identity crisis. I wish I could turn back the clock and none of this happened. I want my friendship dynamic to return, but shit happens.
Any other comments to help put me in my place or make me feel better about this whole screwed up situation is greatly appreciated.
I wonder if he is bi. I wonder about that about myself....
Many (most?) of my old friends -- even siblings -- never guessed that I'm gay. Some did sense it, even though I never admitted it. I didn't act gay. I decided to be not gay. Finally, though, I realized that is impossible.
outtaPville

United States

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#5
Feb 23, 2011
 
You're not alone, so check on campus or the local community to see if there are support groups for people and friends of gay persons. To start, PFLAG (People and friends of Lesbians and Gays) would be a good place to meet other straigt persons who have delt with this issue in positive and healthy ways and who could share good advice. If you want, find out if there is a MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and speak to the pastor for references to community groups. Otherwise, google you community for gay support groups. What ever you do respect your friend's decision as he is going through some confusing time, and time it will take for him to regain his self respect. I believe he hates himself right now, not for outing himself to you, but for being so brutally honest, and then feeling rejection, shame and humiliation as a result. You might consider texting your friend to let him know that no matter what he decides you will remain his friend and will welcome him back as a friend and then leave him alone. Life's lessons are sometimes painful and you both know this now. However, you both stand to learn a lot about yourselves and each other. All the best to you.
mick

Houston, TX

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#6
Jun 29, 2012
 
Box my old best frined left me becuse i Android gay Android Thomes heats gay people can u help me
james

Houston, TX

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#7
Jun 29, 2012
 
Ok My best frined heat's me. And becuse i am gay. Can u guy's help me out here. (((
feeling betrayed

Carson, CA

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#8
Jul 9, 2012
 
I have just found out that two of my best friends are now a couple. I knew that one of my friends is gay but the other I had no idea. I am crushed beyond belief. We were 3 friends and now I am the odd man out. I feel like my family has totally collapsed. Feeling so sad and alone. I got very angry when I found out and could not even talk to either one. I feel betrayed beyond belief and very alone. Any suggestions on how to deal with these feelings?
Good lad

Ballinrobe, Ireland

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#9
Jan 17, 2013
 

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Give him he's space man that's what he wants we all have to move on you know
Same Situation

San Luis Potosí, Mexico

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#10
Feb 25, 2013
 
He wanta you out of his life because all that time he's been in love with you, and you cannot correspond him because you are straight, and that is making feel even worse. It's not your fault, neither his. Shit happens.

“Petite twink, barely legal”

Since: Dec 12

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#11
Feb 26, 2013
 

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He's ashamed of being gay or bi, and has hidden from his own feelings for many years. Coming to grips with it and admitting how he felt was a good first step, but denial kicks in and he wants to distance himself from that admission as much as possible.

Perhaps his own parents were very hostile towards gays too, and he learned as a child that gays are "evil, disgusting, reprobate," etc. To think that he IS the very thing that he was taught to despise is more than he can handle. He wants it all to just go away. He can't run from his own feelings, but because of what he said and did that night, running away from you is the next best thing to running away from his won feelings.

His struggle is a little bit familiar to me because my boyfriend had the same struggle, not wanting to be gay, ashamed of those compelling gay urges that just don't go away, and attacking anyone he had confided in because they came to represent the thing he was running away from.

DO give him space, just say "we've had a bit of a falling out I'm afraid, but I have hope we can renew our friendship when this is worked out" and leave it at that.

Hopefully it won't take years for him to come to grips with his homo or bisexuality and learn to accept it as something he just can't change. Being gay doesn't mandate finding a same sex partner to do stuff with. It only means he has feelings that most people don't have to deal with.

My parents used to tell me, "Don't ever apologize for how you feel, because you cannot help how you feel! ACTIONS may give you cause for regret, but you feel however you feel and others must respect that, as you must respect their feelings, no matter how different from your own."

My parents knew I was gay long before I ever even hinted at it to them, and though they felt a sense of grief and loss (no grandkids someday, etc), they loved me enough to not be ashamed of me.

Don't be ashamed of your friend, but accepting. If YOU can accept his being gay, it will help make it easier for him to accept himself being gay.
jack

Leicester, UK

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#12
Mar 19, 2013
 

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la la just say that ya love him if ya eealy wana be his gay friend dont forget to kiss him
jack

Leicester, UK

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#13
Mar 19, 2013
 

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i diden5 mean that
jack

Leicester, UK

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#14
Mar 19, 2013
 

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just as him onse and for all if ya wana be your friend its simple any way write what happens next
Peter

San Diego, CA

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#15
Mar 29, 2013
 

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He is hurting very much. Please stay in touch. Let him know he is importamt, validate his feelings of love- in other words, it's ok to feel the love. You domt have to love him the same way, but he needs to know that youre ok with him if he is gay. It's also ok if you lwt him know you are hurting without his friendship. But, be careful. He is hurt and feeling rejected, probably angry with himself more than anything. Send ocassional texts or other messages to say hello. he needs time, but he will find his way back.
Opposite end of the stick

Canada

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#16
Apr 7, 2013
 
I told my friend after some incidents that i had feelings for him and that i wanted to be more than just friends, which we have been happily for at least 3 years. But i told him and he thought he was joking and that he kept saying no and i don't know what to say. I don't know what to do i feel so scared, Its not like its my fault i'm gay or that i like him I've just slowly fell in love with him over the years... he hasn't talked to me since and i'm so scared if i lose him i have nobody else in my life.If you think your upset and confused you have no idea i'm hurting inside so bad i can feel in physically. I just want to die. i feel so disgusted and worthless.
rainbow unicorn elf

Wakefield, RI

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#17
May 7, 2013
 
Opposite end of the stick wrote:
I told my friend after some incidents that i had feelings for him and that i wanted to be more than just friends, which we have been happily for at least 3 years. But i told him and he thought he was joking and that he kept saying no and i don't know what to say. I don't know what to do i feel so scared, Its not like its my fault i'm gay or that i like him I've just slowly fell in love with him over the years... he hasn't talked to me since and i'm so scared if i lose him i have nobody else in my life.If you think your upset and confused you have no idea i'm hurting inside so bad i can feel in physically. I just want to die. i feel so disgusted and worthless.
thats not good you shouldnt feel worthless from rejection... life is allways going to be difficult but you will never be able to see the better part of it if you dont move past the dark ones... just remeber who you like doesnt definr you as a person and over time it will heal and in the end there are always going to be people who will hate and others who will stand beside you durring it all even if you dont know them yet
momiji

Dallas, TX

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#18
Jul 14, 2013
 
My best friend for 8 years now told me she was lesbian. I had a hard time dealing with this because im straight and hav a boyfriend. But she keeps telling me how much she likes me. I dont dislike her because she is lesbian. I just feel uncomfortable when she says she loves me. And it became a problem when it got to the point where she tried to make me and my boyfriend break up. Im happy to be in a relationship with him and so I ignore her comments about how much she cant stand him. She doesnt avoid me and I dont avoid her. I think she should try and find a girl who will love her. I feel bad that I cant return the feelings but I just dont like girls that way. Im learning to live with the way she is and still maintaining the relationship I have with my boyfriend. I think the best way to deal with a friend that is gay/lesbian is to accept who they are while kindly telling them that you are sorry but u cant return their feelings. Try to be calm and act like its not a big deal that they are who they are. Its not wrong to be gay or lesbian its just that some dont carry those feelings, like how gays and lesbians might not hav feelings for their opposite gender.
alex

Würzburg, Germany

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#19
Jul 21, 2013
 

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well, you can't get him back in the way it was. once he attracted to you, then his heart will never return to be just friends anymore. you have to just let him go. it's the same as you have a female best friend and then she say she loves you but you don't, so she will never be able to be just friends with you anymore; even some may say that they still can be friends but deep down in their hearts, no, they can't. why don't you think as if you love somebody and she doesn't want you in that way. can u still be friends to her? sure you can but you don't want it that way; therefore, you may just want to stop seeing her in case it helps u to forget all this shit.
Dreamer

Birmingham, UK

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#20
Aug 26, 2013
 

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I think as others have said that he is going through a tough time and as a friend its up to you to let him know you will always be there for him. Your friendship will be different but it can still be a friendship

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