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confused

Havre De Grace, MD

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#1
Dec 12, 2008
 
I'm not here to judge. I support gay rights, okay? But my marriage has been on life support for 10 years and it's time to pull the plug after 30 years. We have not had sex in ages. My wife has developed this relationship over the past several years with "Jill." They spend 30 to 60 hours a month on the phone, call each other 10 times a day and spend about 40 hours a week together. They write love letters to each other with words like "remember the day we fell in love? "In love" was double underlined. Discovering you, discovering me, then discovering us. You are my whole life and you have my whole heart." Among text messages I saw to/from her girlfriend:

"I love holding you, kissing you"
"I want to take time tonight to touch you"
"Can't sleep without you"
"Tomorrow is a big day for us - our first event as a couple"
"You'll always be my girl"

Still my wife is in full denial that it's nothing more than a deep friendship - that she's just bored with me and also has a long list of my faults which "made her lesbian" as she blurted out one night - today she said she never said that. My wife dresses like her girlfriend now and even though my wife is very sexy, slim and attractive, she always used to dress boring and wore "granny panties" and boring bras and lingerie. Suddenly, she wears leopard print skimpy panties (I know - I do the laundry), shaves 'down there' and wears push-up bras - as if she needed them. We sleep in separate rooms and she always closes the door when she changes clothes and sleeps. She turns on this soft sexy voice on the phone with her when she thinks I can't hear her. She says this is how it will be until I accept that it's only a friendship and I re-join them (her, her girlfriend and husband). The three of them think I'm crazy.

So tell me - am I being played like a flute or what? She wants it both ways - the security of our home and finances AND her lover. My youngest son found the first text message above and went nuts for a month before he finally told my older son who told me.

“TAKIA AND TA TONKA”

Since: Aug 08

HAPPY TOGETHER!!!

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#2
Dec 12, 2008
 
confused wrote:
I'm not here to judge. I support gay rights, okay? But my marriage has been on life support for 10 years and it's time to pull the plug after 30 years. We have not had sex in ages. My wife has developed this relationship over the past several years with "Jill." They spend 30 to 60 hours a month on the phone, call each other 10 times a day and spend about 40 hours a week together. They write love letters to each other with words like "remember the day we fell in love? "In love" was double underlined. Discovering you, discovering me, then discovering us. You are my whole life and you have my whole heart." Among text messages I saw to/from her girlfriend:
"I love holding you, kissing you"
"I want to take time tonight to touch you"
"Can't sleep without you"
"Tomorrow is a big day for us - our first event as a couple"
"You'll always be my girl"
Still my wife is in full denial that it's nothing more than a deep friendship - that she's just bored with me and also has a long list of my faults which "made her lesbian" as she blurted out one night - today she said she never said that. My wife dresses like her girlfriend now and even though my wife is very sexy, slim and attractive, she always used to dress boring and wore "granny panties" and boring bras and lingerie. Suddenly, she wears leopard print skimpy panties (I know - I do the laundry), shaves 'down there' and wears push-up bras - as if she needed them. We sleep in separate rooms and she always closes the door when she changes clothes and sleeps. She turns on this soft sexy voice on the phone with her when she thinks I can't hear her. She says this is how it will be until I accept that it's only a friendship and I re-join them (her, her girlfriend and husband). The three of them think I'm crazy.
So tell me - am I being played like a flute or what? She wants it both ways - the security of our home and finances AND her lover. My youngest son found the first text message above and went nuts for a month before he finally told my older son who told me.
Merry Meet confused,
Run quickly
Years ago when I was younger and not so wise, I met a woman who was married and had 3 kids. She reminded me of a close friend who had just passed away and I had started to fall in love with. Well this strange relationship started between me and her. Nothing really serious, but kissing, touching and that sort of stuff.
Her husband was in the Navy and gone 6 months out of the year on deployment.
While he was gone, we played house. I cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids and got to play a little with her, the problem was that she wanted husband and social acceptance, me and all that I would do for her and then....get this.......she wanted more outside of what we gave her
Get the Hell out before you lose your sanity and mind
I don't know you, but I know of your situation per say
I am truly sorry for your loss and believe me when I say, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Your wife has either always been bi-sexual or a closeted lesbian
Blessed Be
confused

Havre De Grace, MD

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#3
Dec 15, 2008
 
Thanks, Rose.... but could she really live this double life forever? I'm hoping she'd just crash and burn one day, face the facts and deal with it and choose one of us. It would be such a relief.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

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#4
Dec 15, 2008
 
Confused, it is entirely possible that she won't say she's a lesbian because she's not. She may still love you. That would make her a bisexual. She may be going to this friend for the kind of close relationship she wishes she had with you but lost long ago. Obviosly your marriage is not a good one. The question is, why are you still in it? Does it satisfy your needs reguardless of her sexuality?
Unlike Rose, I do not believe divorce is always the only solution.
confused

Havre De Grace, MD

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#6
Dec 15, 2008
 
I refuse to believe that I "made her bi/gay" by my actions or inaction - whatever. Both my daughters-in-law have observed that I am the most caring, attentive and loving husband and they have expressed that they hope my boys are the same long into their marriages. They live close by and see us many times a week and vacation with us, so they know. Our marriage has been "all about her" since day one and it seems only another woman can give her the attention she needs. She had a sexual affair with a woman 28 years ago and I don;t think she ever got over it. Between then and now we raised 2 kids. Her desire for a woman has re-surfaced just when retirement is near. Now all our life plans have evaporated.

So, why am I still in it? I just don't know what else to do. This is my home and she refuses to split amicably. I'm just not ready for war with the mother of my children.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

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#8
Dec 15, 2008
 
confused wrote:
I refuse to believe that I "made her bi/gay" by my actions or inaction - whatever. Both my daughters-in-law have observed that I am the most caring, attentive and loving husband and they have expressed that they hope my boys are the same long into their marriages. They live close by and see us many times a week and vacation with us, so they know. Our marriage has been "all about her" since day one and it seems only another woman can give her the attention she needs. She had a sexual affair with a woman 28 years ago and I don;t think she ever got over it. Between then and now we raised 2 kids. Her desire for a woman has re-surfaced just when retirement is near. Now all our life plans have evaporated.
So, why am I still in it? I just don't know what else to do. This is my home and she refuses to split amicably. I'm just not ready for war with the mother of my children.
No one can make anyone bi/gay and no one said you had. If you thought she was going to, "get over," her attraction to women, you were deceiving yourself. I am not blaming you for the break down of your marriage. It always takes two for that and it usually is a slow process.

With this new information, it is obvious that she is bi and you knew that if you knew about her relationship with a woman 28 years ago. Why did you stay then?

On one hand you say your marriage has been all about her and on the other hand you say she has raised two children. Which is it? Raising children takes a great deal of selflessness. Was she doing the majority of the parenting or were you?

Many women do come out after they have raised their children. They feel like now it's time for them to focus more on themselves instead of the husband, kids, home, job, etc.

It sounds to me like you feel like you do not get enough attention. Is that really what it is about? Reguardless of whether she is having a sexual relationship with this woman, would you stay if you felt like you were getting enough of her attention too?

You said, "This is my home and she refuses to split amicably." Keep in mind that it is HER home too.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

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#9
Dec 15, 2008
 
nopoop4you wrote:
tell her to bring her home and share
You're an idiot. Real life is not like the porns. Threesums always end up being a bad idea!
confused

Havre De Grace, MD

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#10
Dec 15, 2008
 
She did not confess the previous affair until about a year ago.

And I did the majority of the parenting (2/3 minimum). I was nearly always the one at the dentist, the orthodontist, the doctor, the school, the scouts....the laundry do-er, grocery shopper, the bill payer, cook etc. I took my vows seriously... or foolishly as it is turning out. I just thought this was the way it was with 2 careers and all. So many divorce these days, I didn't want to be one of them.

And I need very little attention to be happy. As of today, it's zero. If she would do something as insignificant as bringing me a cup of coffee I'm elated for the day.

Now if you don't mind, I have Christmas cookies to bake...
LindaS wrote:
<quoted text>
No one can make anyone bi/gay and no one said you had. If you thought she was going to, "get over," her attraction to women, you were deceiving yourself. I am not blaming you for the break down of your marriage. It always takes two for that and it usually is a slow process.
With this new information, it is obvious that she is bi and you knew that if you knew about her relationship with a woman 28 years ago. Why did you stay then?
On one hand you say your marriage has been all about her and on the other hand you say she has raised two children. Which is it? Raising children takes a great deal of selflessness. Was she doing the majority of the parenting or were you?
Many women do come out after they have raised their children. They feel like now it's time for them to focus more on themselves instead of the husband, kids, home, job, etc.
It sounds to me like you feel like you do not get enough attention. Is that really what it is about? Reguardless of whether she is having a sexual relationship with this woman, would you stay if you felt like you were getting enough of her attention too?
You said, "This is my home and she refuses to split amicably." Keep in mind that it is HER home too.
end the hate

Brooklyn, NY

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#11
Dec 15, 2008
 

Judged:

1

1

Listen, it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes women get bored--i mean ive been with my bf for 4 years, yes along the way i did have an affair with a guy, and then got with another,. and whatever, not the wisest choices but im grown up now so i know that the only man i really want is him, but truthfully im just bored with my life, not only am i bored but not too long ago, ive really taken an interest in my sexuality and whether im really straight or bisexual. He told me he doesnt mind me being with a female but if we ever get married, then i guess i have to stop so i want to start now before i tie the knot but i dont think its so bad for a married woman to be with another woman. That woman gives her something you cant, only because you are a man.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

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#12
Dec 15, 2008
 
end the hate wrote:
Listen, it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes women get bored--i mean ive been with my bf for 4 years, yes along the way i did have an affair with a guy, and then got with another,. and whatever, not the wisest choices but im grown up now so i know that the only man i really want is him, but truthfully im just bored with my life, not only am i bored but not too long ago, ive really taken an interest in my sexuality and whether im really straight or bisexual. He told me he doesnt mind me being with a female but if we ever get married, then i guess i have to stop so i want to start now before i tie the knot but i dont think its so bad for a married woman to be with another woman. That woman gives her something you cant, only because you are a man.
You're not grown up yet. Keep working on it!

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

Since: Oct 07

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#13
Dec 15, 2008
 
confused wrote:
She did not confess the previous affair until about a year ago.
And I did the majority of the parenting (2/3 minimum). I was nearly always the one at the dentist, the orthodontist, the doctor, the school, the scouts....the laundry do-er, grocery shopper, the bill payer, cook etc. I took my vows seriously... or foolishly as it is turning out. I just thought this was the way it was with 2 careers and all. So many divorce these days, I didn't want to be one of them.
And I need very little attention to be happy. As of today, it's zero. If she would do something as insignificant as bringing me a cup of coffee I'm elated for the day.
Now if you don't mind, I have Christmas cookies to bake...
<quoted text>
Ok, so let's try a simpler question: She is who she is and it sounds like she always has been, so do you want to stay or do you want to go?
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#14
Dec 15, 2008
 
confused wrote:
Thanks, Rose.... but could she really live this double life forever? I'm hoping she'd just crash and burn one day, face the facts and deal with it and choose one of us. It would be such a relief.
yes, she can go on a long time with getting the cake and eating it too

there's no reason why you can't make a decision that this is not the life you want and leave or ask her to leave.

you are not happy with the status quo and she has no interest to change it.

I don't think the decision is hers to make

this is not the life you want and it's not fair to you to hang around and hope she'll change back or decide to leave.
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#15
Dec 15, 2008
 
LindaS wrote:
<quoted text>
You're an idiot. Real life is not like the porns. Threesums always end up being a bad idea!


not as long as there's discussion and boundaries set before hand and they are adhered to
confused

Havre De Grace, MD

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#16
Dec 16, 2008
 
LindaS wrote:
<quoted text>
Ok, so let's try a simpler question: She is who she is and it sounds like she always has been, so do you want to stay or do you want to go?
I can't live this life, that's for sure. You're right, I was hoping she'd change - it's not happening. But she cheated, not me, so I want her to leave. She refuses and, by the way and still fully denies that she's bi or lesbian. I would gladly split the assets with her 50/50 but I want to buy her half of the house. Then I can spend the year fixing it up to sell while I live there, then downsize and start over. But the scary part is from here on, all holidays, birthdays of kids and grandchildren will be difficult. She will seek revenge for my "making her a lesbian" - yes, she blurted that out one night and has now retracted it. Do you really think I could be such a monster as to have made her change her sexual orientation? She should have told me up-front, separated, then entered her relationship afterward. I don't know how the other husband is dealing with this. He's in denial, too, I suppose. I'm pretty sure he's banging another soccer mom, though. What a mess.

“Marriage=Love+Co mmitment.....”

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#17
Dec 16, 2008
 
You sound more bitter than confused. It may not be just a house to her, it is her home. If you decide to take action instead of talking about it, move out.
end the hate

Brooklyn, NY

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#18
Dec 16, 2008
 
LindaS wrote:
<quoted text>
You're not grown up yet. Keep working on it!
i carefully re-read my post and nothing in it had any reason to trigger your response. So basically you're calling me immature for no reason. Thats always good to know.
end the hate

Brooklyn, NY

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#19
Dec 16, 2008
 
confused wrote:
<quoted text>
I can't live this life, that's for sure. You're right, I was hoping she'd change - it's not happening. But she cheated, not me, so I want her to leave. She refuses and, by the way and still fully denies that she's bi or lesbian. I would gladly split the assets with her 50/50 but I want to buy her half of the house. Then I can spend the year fixing it up to sell while I live there, then downsize and start over. But the scary part is from here on, all holidays, birthdays of kids and grandchildren will be difficult. She will seek revenge for my "making her a lesbian" - yes, she blurted that out one night and has now retracted it. Do you really think I could be such a monster as to have made her change her sexual orientation? She should have told me up-front, separated, then entered her relationship afterward. I don't know how the other husband is dealing with this. He's in denial, too, I suppose. I'm pretty sure he's banging another soccer mom, though. What a mess.
I highly doubt you made her a lesbian. Like i said, it has nothing to do with you. These are desires shes had for i dont know how long, and when a women becomes jaded, well these "feelings" so to speak come out, and theres no stopping them. I do think shes at a point where if her children are old enough, she should go live her life with her gf and divorce you, if she cant even sleep with you. Talk to her about this.
confused and bitter

Havre De Grace, MD

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#20
Dec 17, 2008
 
LindaS wrote:
You sound more bitter than confused. It may not be just a house to her, it is her home. If you decide to take action instead of talking about it, move out.
Of course I am bitter. I put my heart and soul into this relationship just to watch it crumble in front of me. I had no idea these deep rooted feelings of hers even existed. She sure was good at faking sex for nearly 20 years - we always had to change the sheets afterward. What a fool I am. And to be sure, I am the "Susie Homemaker" of us - not by choice, though I admit I love to cook. It's all I have been able to do for 25 years to care for the kids and home and hold my career. She openly admits that cooking, cleaning and such "just isn't who she is" yet her GF is exactly all those things. But she has these hissy weekends where she does nothing but hyper clean for 48 hours. I hate those weekends. I'm the one who made it a home, not her. And last night she melted down wondering why the kids are doting on me for gifts for Christmas and not her. Talk about bitter.... hey I was just doing my job as Dad (and Mr. Mom) for 27 years. I don't blame them - nearly every gift anyone buys her (except her GF's of course) gets returned. How insulting.
So YES - I want the house.
confused and bitter

Havre De Grace, MD

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#21
Dec 17, 2008
 
end the hate wrote:
<quoted text>
I highly doubt you made her a lesbian. Like i said, it has nothing to do with you. These are desires shes had for i dont know how long, and when a women becomes jaded, well these "feelings" so to speak come out, and theres no stopping them. I do think shes at a point where if her children are old enough, she should go live her life with her gf and divorce you, if she cant even sleep with you. Talk to her about this.
Jaded? Please explain. I practically worshiped her and got very little in return. Of course, now she says that all my loving acts for nearly 30 years (little things every day like cards, flowers, fueling her car, running to the store for tampons, taking her coffee, making her lunch, fetching a heating pad for her awful monthly cramps etc etc) did NOTHING because it does not show her that I KNOW her. Well HELL! What is that about?? And the only reason I don't want war is because she did give me kids. I could NEVER hate her nor want the same from the kids. I really tried and I guess it never mattered how good of a man or husband I was because she detests men.
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#22
Dec 17, 2008
 
confused wrote:
<quoted text>
.... She will seek revenge for my "making her a lesbian" - yes, she blurted that out one night and has now retracted it. Do you really think I could be such a monster as to have made her change her sexual orientation?....
nope, absolutely not.

there is no level of being a shit-heel that any guy can be that would make a straight woman a lesbian

if there was, there would be more lesbians than straight women

same for dominante mothers can't turn their sons gay

no person can make you something that you are not

if you suspected your wife cheating on you with another man - would you also hang in there, hoping things would change?

if not, why do you feel compelled to act differently just because the other person is a woman?

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