A Black Woman's Take on Raising Bi-Racial Kids

So at #1 on the Top 5 things that I’m worried about as a soon-to-be mom is raising Betty to be a happy and well-adjusted bi-racial child. The only problem is that I have no idea how to do this. I read books to teach me how to do everything from writing to cooking — and yes, I even read Blogging for Dummies before starting Fierce and Nerdy. However, there are very few books on raising bi-racial children, and none that I can find with a publish date after 2005. Note: for this post only, when I say “bi-racial,” I mean half black and half white. Back in the 80s and 90s when I was growing up in St. Louis, I knew few bi-racial kids, and the few that I did know struck me as sad and confused about their identity. All but one of them had white mothers, absent fathers and went out of their way to be “black” — usually in negative ways that were detrimental to their self-esteem and educational development.

[serenevalley]

I happen to be white American, my wife Korean-American. We have two daughters and both we feel are well-adjusted, comfortable with themselves, outgoing, active, beautiful, and classy.

Our eldest is an fail analysis engineer (she graduated with a mechanical engineering degree) for a high tech company in the semiconductor industry. Our younger daughter is a junior in college, on the dean's list...majoring in international business and minoring in Japanese. She is also fluent in Korean and is taking Mandarin.

What we feel the key to their success has been a strong emphasis on personal excellence which transcends racial identity. We complement this with continued exposure and emphasis towards appreciating both of their heritages though involvement and balance. We attend a multicultural church which consists of a congregation of Korean, Chinese, Thai, Micronesian, Ethiopian (via Kenya), Filipino, Honduran, Mexican, Indian, and Costa Rican. In other words..we have always tried to expose our children to as many different people as possible. From this, we feel they understand the common thread of humanity. Their dating pool historically has reflected this pretty well.

Personal excellence coupled with a strong sense of identity and appreciation of identity...we feel is the key.

[fnord]

Sooner or later it will become obvious your daughters are suffering from the Asian version of the Tragic Mulatta Syndrome.

[Justine]

serenevalley wrote:

I happen to be white American, my wife Korean-American. We have two daughters and both we feel are well-adjusted, comfortable with themselves, outgoing, active, beautiful, and classy.
Our eldest is an fail analysis engineer (she graduated with a mechanical engineering degree) for a high tech company in the semiconductor industry. Our younger daughter is a junior in college, on the dean's list...majoring in international business and minoring in Japanese. She is also fluent in Korean and is taking Mandarin.
What we feel the key to their success has been a strong emphasis on personal excellence which transcends racial identity. We complement this with continued exposure and emphasis towards appreciating both of their heritages though involvement and balance. We attend a multicultural church which consists of a congregation of Korean, Chinese, Thai, Micronesian, Ethiopian (via Kenya), Filipino, Honduran, Mexican, Indian, and Costa Rican. In other words..we have always tried to expose our children to as many different people as possible. From this, we feel they understand the common thread of humanity. Their dating pool historically has reflected this pretty well.
Personal excellence coupled with a strong sense of identity and appreciation of identity...we feel is the key.

Ok, what is a "white american"?? What kind of ethnic group is that from?

[babymatic]

is this really a black woman writing this, because black women can raise a child of any race, its usually white women with the problem raising bi-racial kids, especially when it comes to the hair and the child is always loud and punking the mom lol

[Mary]

babymatic wrote:

is this really a black woman writing this, because black women can raise a child of any race, its usually white women with the problem raising bi-racial kids, especially when it comes to the hair and the child is always loud and punking the mom lol

Our President was raised by a single white mother so give some credit.

[Taria]

Mary wrote:

<quoted text>
Our President was raised by a single white mother so give some credit.

Actually by her grandparents. So you wrong.

[Blasians]

I don't know but some white women teach their bi-racial children to hate black women with a passion. Don't know what that's all about. I think when raising a BLACK bi-racial kid a black woman would be a better option IDK. There are certain uncomfortable situations only a black mother can explain.

[SadButTrue]

fnord wrote:

Sooner or later it will become obvious your daughters are suffering from the Asian version of the Tragic Mulatta Syndrome.

Its people that make them feel that way, not themselves. The world is diverse that will eventually go away.

There's other more pressing issues like the economy, spendingn time with family. Besides, Black men for the most part do not take care of their children.

She is in LA, a good portion of Sisters are dating/marrying White men/others and not their own because of how their treated. I have cousins who are doing well in LA, one is a Judge the other a successful Attorney and they are all married to white men the ones who are not are dating outside the race.

Its the best man, not that Black man anymore! Its how a person treats you and if you can work together.

[SadButTrue]

Blasians wrote:

I don't know but some white women teach their bi-racial children to hate black women with a passion. Don't know what that's all about. I think when raising a BLACK bi-racial kid a black woman would be a better option IDK. There are certain uncomfortable situations only a black mother can explain.

Thats because their Fathers talk to those White women about how they hate Black women. It also stems from Black womens attituddes, they distance themsleves from White women and blame them when they are not to blame, its Brothers who make those decisions to date or marry out and treat Black women like whores and use them for sex, its not White women fault.

I dont get mad at White women. What would be my reason? For seeking a relationship with a man? Let me also inject that White women/others get jealous when Black women or Asian women date out...its the samething.

[hmm]

Taria wrote:

<quoted text>
Actually by her grandparents. So you wrong.

which were white

[Shawn Curtis Lacey]

babymatic wrote:

is this really a black woman writing this, because black women can raise a child of any race, its usually white women with the problem raising bi-racial kids, especially when it comes to the hair and the child is always loud and punking the mom lol

My sentiments exactly! Not only that but isn't it our history that African females who had been raped while on the ships from Africa gave birth to these half European babies. Isn't our culture inundated with mixture of all kind. Something tells me this wants attention. Her statement does not make sense. She acts as if she is having to raise ET!

[MixedandProud666 3]

I`m bi-racial and both my parents were White. Here are my recommendations.

1) Super love your kids. They will need it.
2) Teach them about racism by the time they are around 5 years old. They need to know that any one who has a problem with them are @$$e$.
3) If anyone, I mean anyone, dares give them racism to their faces be prepared to nearly kill that person. One time a kid gave me crap for being Black and my mom utterly beat him. Although you may not like violence, for me it was good since it let me know my parents were 100% behind me.
4) If anyone of your adult friends has a problem, you need to cut them off. My parents lost many good friends since I was Black but the way they saw it, if they have a problem then they are not good.
5) Send your kids to a private school and tell the teachers that if there is any racism towards your kids whatsoever you will introduce God to them personally. My parents did this when I went to a Catholic school and I remember her telling my 1st grade teacher, "If there is a race problem with my son, you will meet Christ personally." Although there were race problems, I did not know about them until my teacher met me again in my 30s. I was totally shielded.
6) You need to say that you love Whites and Blacks. My parents went out of their way to make this plainly clear to me.
7) As for food, let the kids choose.
8) Same for music and clothes.
9) They need to know about the Civil rights movement asap. It will be very relevant to them, it sure was for me.
10) Education: They have to be HIGHLY educated as that is the only way for them to raise above the crap in the end.

Now, as for dating, they need to hear about your experiences especially for IR dating. My parents told me zero which really hurt me in the end. For friends, be careful....make sure they have no secret racist friends.

Please remember that your child is going to be more racially aware than you are and as such, most likely will choose her own path. Let her and just give her support as she goes.

[seekGodfindTruth]

I'm a black woman raising three mixed nationality children, I do not find it a struggle at all. My kids are a part of me and I love them more than I love myself. They are well adjusted loving individuals. It is not difficult taking care of their hair, I do not wash it daily (2x a week), I do not grease it, in fact I do everything I do to my own hair to theirs, and we all have very long hair. We don't fixate on our differences, I do not teach them that they are special because they are mixed. I do not point it out to them either. It is true that white women usually have it harder raising bi-racial children, I know quite a few that are attempting and failing horribly. One cannot restrain herself from making threats to beat her sons' "black asses" or beat "the black off of them" ... Or you see the ones with theiir hair uncombed, or the ones who have heads dripping with Blue Magic hair grease, or the ones with really bad hygiene because their white mother thinks its a black thing to not bathe...

[WOW]

Taria wrote:

<quoted text>
Actually by her grandparents. So you wrong.

Actually by her parents, not her grandparents, at the age of 9. Before that he was raised by his mother. His father was only in his life for one month at the age of 10.

[MixedandProud666 3]

uncle ted wrote:

<quoted text>
.
This is another family destin to be broken up leaving the children confused. Stick with your own race people. You see the problem here is they feel... key word feel. This person does not have any idea of how his children will feel when the parents are divorced in a few years because the korean culture is so different than the american.
.

Man you just dont get it. The kids are successful. How would the family be broken up? How are the kids confused?

[WrningSgn]

On the CNN special Black in America.

The Black women staunchly said that she was going to raise her bi-racial son as a black man.

Maybe Black women have an easier time doing this than White women with Bi-Racial kids.

IDK.

[lettingyouknow]

Blasians wrote:

I don't know but some white women teach their bi-racial children to hate black women with a passion. Don't know what that's all about. I think when raising a BLACK bi-racial kid a black woman would be a better option IDK. There are certain uncomfortable situations only a black mother can explain.

Correct,I don't understand why some white women even have children with AA men.Many are racist to the core.

[karma]

serenevalley wrote:

I happen to be white American, my wife Korean-American. We have two daughters and both we feel are well-adjusted, comfortable with themselves, outgoing, active, beautiful, and classy.
Our eldest is an fail analysis engineer (she graduated with a mechanical engineering degree) for a high tech company in the semiconductor industry. Our younger daughter is a junior in college, on the dean's list...majoring in international business and minoring in Japanese. She is also fluent in Korean and is taking Mandarin.
What we feel the key to their success has been a strong emphasis on personal excellence which transcends racial identity. We complement this with continued exposure and emphasis towards appreciating both of their heritages though involvement and balance. We attend a multicultural church which consists of a congregation of Korean, Chinese, Thai, Micronesian, Ethiopian (via Kenya), Filipino, Honduran, Mexican, Indian, and Costa Rican. In other words..we have always tried to expose our children to as many different people as possible. From this, we feel they understand the common thread of humanity. Their dating pool historically has reflected this pretty well.
Personal excellence coupled with a strong sense of identity and appreciation of identity...we feel is the key.

Wow, thank you for being fantastic parents and providing a well rounded environment for your girls. I am sure you are very proud of them and as you should be. I believe we are a product of our environment so thank you for providing that to your girls, whom of which are well-adjusted ladies. I think people tend to worry to much on whether the child will receive the proper amount of each race and not letting the child be who and what they want to be. So again, thank you.

[From me to you]

WrningSgn wrote:

On the CNN special Black in America.
The Black women staunchly said that she was going to raise her bi-racial son as a black man.
Maybe Black women have an easier time doing this than White women with Bi-Racial kids.
IDK.

I agree to a certain extent.

It also depends on how "hands-on" the non-blk parent is in the child's life also.

[lettingyouknow]

SadButTrue wrote:

<quoted text>
Thats because their Fathers talk to those White women about how they hate Black women. It also stems from Black womens attituddes, they distance themsleves from White women and blame them when they are not to blame, its Brothers who make those decisions to date or marry out and treat Black women like whores and use them for sex, its not White women fault.
I dont get mad at White women. What would be my reason? For seeking a relationship with a man? Let me also inject that White women/others get jealous when Black women or Asian women date out...its the samething.

Regardless of what black men tell them,the mother is the teacher,and should not teach her children to hate.What message does she send to her biracial daughter...Who is black?
Those children grow up confused and ostracized by many.Out of touch with AA culture and a loner.My daughter talks about how some of the biracial girls are not even wanted around, because of the racism that has been taught to them by their mother.