Jokes, and only JOKES!
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RC Honey

Airdrie, Canada

#1237 May 26, 2010
Love reading the jokes guys!
Sue

Emmaus, PA

#1238 May 27, 2010
PastorBob666 wrote:
This thread was listed in the abortion forum. I was hoping for some abortion jokes.
I found some racist and other "jokes" but nothing about abortions and the RTL religious hypocrites that lurk on the abortion forums here.
With that in mind, I will start....
Q- How do you unload a truck load of dead fetus heads?
A- With a pitchfork!
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"
"Just go ahead and pay it."
Q: What's funnier than a dead fetus?
A: A dead fetus in a clown costume!
Q: What's funnier than a dead fetus?
A: A dead fetus sitting next to a fetus with Down syndrome.
Since the religious tend to lurk on abortion threads, I will toss in a few jeeezus jokes:
Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
A: You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Even on a joke thread you have to make an ass of yourself. You are truely pathetic.

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#1239 May 28, 2010
Sue wrote:
<quoted text>
Even on a joke thread you have to make an ass of yourself. You are truely pathetic.
Why thank you, darling. I would of said something, but retards are abundant on Topix. So, as you pointed out, this surely was one of them.

You do good!

;0\~
RC Honey

Airdrie, Canada

#1240 Jun 26, 2010
Who's still here that I know? Did everyone get bored and leave?

Who's your buddy?
Who's your pal?

I am, right?

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#1241 Sep 10, 2010
Okay...this just in from e-mail.

Subject: Why I'm Depressed....HA! HA!!!
Over five thousand years ago....Moses said to the children of Israel...Pick up your shovels..Mount your Asses and Camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land. Seventy Five years ago..(when welfare was introduced)...Roosevelt said Lay down your shovels..Sit on your Asses..Light up a Camel...This is the Promised Land!!.......Today President Obama has stolen your shovel..Taxed your Asses..Raised the price of Camels..and Mortgaged The Promised Land!!!.......I was so depressed thinking about Health Care; the economy; the wars; lost jobs; savings; social security; retirement; etc..........I called a Suicide HOT LINE....I had to press 1 for ENGLISH...I was connected to a call center in PAKISTAN...I told them I was SUICIDAL.........They got very EXCITED and ask........if I could DRIVE A TRUCK??????....
PriestessSue

Emmaus, PA

#1242 Sep 10, 2010
DC tells it like it is wrote:
Okay...this just in from e-mail.
Subject: Why I'm Depressed....HA! HA!!!
Over five thousand years ago....Moses said to the children of Israel...Pick up your shovels..Mount your Asses and Camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land. Seventy Five years ago..(when welfare was introduced)...Roosevelt said Lay down your shovels..Sit on your Asses..Light up a Camel...This is the Promised Land!!.......Today President Obama has stolen your shovel..Taxed your Asses..Raised the price of Camels..and Mortgaged The Promised Land!!!.......I was so depressed thinking about Health Care; the economy; the wars; lost jobs; savings; social security; retirement; etc..........I called a Suicide HOT LINE....I had to press 1 for ENGLISH...I was connected to a call center in PAKISTAN...I told them I was SUICIDAL.........They got very EXCITED and ask........if I could DRIVE A TRUCK??????....
Hahahahahahaha...truer words have never been spoken!!!!!
PriestessSue

Emmaus, PA

#1243 Sep 10, 2010
DC tells it like it is wrote:
<quoted text>
Why thank you, darling. I would of said something, but retards are abundant on Topix. So, as you pointed out, this surely was one of them.
You do good!
;0\~
Guess what?? PastorBob is ordined in the Universal Life Church...Check it out

http://www.themonastery.org/...

Check out what you can become:

Degrees Available


Dr. of Divinity Certificate D.D.
Dr. of Metaphysics Certificate
Jedi Knight Certificate
Master of Wicca

I joined and became Priestess Sue and I started the United Chocolate Church, where we have both dark and milk chocolate and swirl them together.

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#1244 Sep 10, 2010
PriestessSue wrote:
<quoted text>
Guess what?? PastorBob is ordined in the Universal Life Church...Check it out
http://www.themonastery.org/...
Check out what you can become:
Degrees Available
Dr. of Divinity Certificate D.D.
Dr. of Metaphysics Certificate
Jedi Knight Certificate
Master of Wicca
I joined and became Priestess Sue and I started the United Chocolate Church, where we have both dark and milk chocolate and swirl them together.
OMG!!!!!!! Love it.

Thanks!!!

Also, would love to be a member of your Church. We are talking 'milk' right?
PriestessSue

Emmaus, PA

#1245 Sep 10, 2010
DC tells it like it is wrote:
<quoted text>
OMG!!!!!!! Love it.
Thanks!!!
Also, would love to be a member of your Church. We are talking 'milk' right?
As long as it isn't white, we aren't THAT progressive!!! May the sauce be with you!

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#1246 Sep 11, 2010
PriestessSue wrote:
<quoted text>
As long as it isn't white, we aren't THAT progressive!!! May the sauce be with you!
Ya got an Amen! out of me....
PriestessSue

Emmaus, PA

#1247 Sep 11, 2010
DC tells it like it is wrote:
<quoted text>
Ya got an Amen! out of me....
You forgot the "hallelujah"!! Repent! Repent!

“Don't Fear the Reaper”

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#1248 Jul 9, 2011
Marriage or Relationship
With a Significant Other ...

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

then adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

...then adopt a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

...then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....

...then adopt a cat!

You thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!

You...

.....have a GREAT Day!!!
Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1249 Oct 7, 2011
New way of STEALING...


ESPECIALLY LOOK AT SCENE THREE...Be sure to read Scene 3. Quite interesting.


This is a new one. People sure stay busy

Trying to cheat us, don't they?

SCENE 1.

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself,'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...

Hmm,'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.

Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!

He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make

the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked

if his card had been stolen...

'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep -

you guessed it - a switch had been made.

An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet.

The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier,

he would have to pay the amount owed to them.

How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?

$9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies.

It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!

==========

SCENE 2.

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card.

The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.

Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.

She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.

All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card.

No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology..

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.

Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken

away for even a short period of time.
Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it,'assuming'

that it has to be theirs.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1250 Oct 10, 2011

Since: Nov 10

Location hidden

#1252 Nov 17, 2011
Good example of a Brain Study:

If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1253 Sep 3, 2012
Thank you Aunt Roz for this!!!!
__________

So.....You thought English is an easy language, eh....You have another "think" coming....

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy nutty language..... There is no egg in eggplant, nor is there ham in hamburger; neither an apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France . Sweetmeats are another form of candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet at all, are animal organ meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes..and there are plenty of them, we find that quicksand actually works slowly, boxing rings are square in shape and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that when writers write the fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham...? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem confusing that you can make amends but not one solitary amend...? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and finally get rid of all but one of them, what do you call the item that is left....?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught ? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an mental asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play..... and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell ?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS.- Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'QUICK'?



Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1254 Sep 3, 2012
ServiceTerms wrote:
Good example of a Brain Study:
If you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.
damn I forgot the email and password to this... dammit

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1255 Sep 3, 2012
So.....You thought English is an easy language, eh....You have another "think" coming....
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy nutty language..... There is no egg in eggplant, nor is there ham in hamburger; neither an apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France . Sweetmeats are another form of candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet at all, are animal organ meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes..and there are plenty of them, we find that quicksand actually works slowly, boxing rings are square in shape and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that when writers write the fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham...? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem confusing that you can make amends but not one solitary amend...? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and finally get rid of all but one of them, what do you call the item that is left....?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught ? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an mental asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play..... and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell ?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS.- Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'QUICK'?

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