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“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Oklahoma City, OK

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#433
Jun 20, 2010
 

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zach_ wrote:
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.“Well,” he says,“I figure the job will run about $900:$400 for materials,$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,“I can do this job for $700:$300 for materials,$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,“$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says,“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back,“$1000 for me,$1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
Zach, I'm from Chicago.....LMAO!!!!

“points on the line”

Since: Jun 08

Where's the ball???

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#434
Sep 3, 2010
 

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From J.A.S.=========

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the grizzly and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The grizzly dropped dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Since: Aug 07

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#435
Sep 4, 2010
 
zach_ wrote:
A teacher asks her class one day,“If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?”
Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,
“None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies,“The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little Ralphy says,“Now I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing madly, replied,“Well, I suppose it’d be the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Ralphy replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”
Good one Zach..I have missed you posting.

Since: Aug 07

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#436
Sep 4, 2010
 
MEN!!!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided
to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back,' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...' The woman replies,'I'll miss you........

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.---------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Thank you Zach! I needed the laugh.

Since: Aug 07

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#437
Sep 4, 2010
 
zach_ wrote:
From J.A.S.=========
An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the grizzly and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The grizzly dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
:)
zach_

Dallas, TX

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#438
Sep 13, 2011
 
How is everybody doing? I hope all of you are having a good summer. Hotter than heck here. I just saw this on another thread.

Take care.

z

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
zach_

Dallas, TX

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#439
Mar 22, 2012
 

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The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

----------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally challenged. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

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