Just for Kicks Thread
Mike

AOL

#413 Dec 30, 2009
zach 4 88 wrote:
This a poem I found about Tigwer woods lol
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin'-- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
This is excellent. Love it!

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#414 Dec 30, 2009
Angii wrote:
<quoted text>Poor poor Tiger..not.
Yep. Why do high profile sex addicts get married? They never have any intention of staying faithful. It winds up costing them millions.

From another joke thread...

The Sunday school teacher had going to heaven as the subject for the class. She asked the kids if they thought a specific body part guided the body to heaven.
The first little girl thought the heart guided the body and was the first body part to enter heaven.
A second girl thought the head would enter first since it made all the decisions prior to the person passing away.
A little boy said it had to be the legs. The teacher asked him to explain why. He said the other night his parents bedroom door was slightly open and when he peeked in he saw his mothers legs pointing straight up into the air and she was moaning "O God I'm coming I'm coming", if dad hadn't of had her pinned down we would of probably lost her!
BigKahuna1

Philadelphia, PA

#415 Dec 30, 2009
BTW wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah tell me about it. Now someone posted something in defense of me and just cause the town came up the same as mine does sometimes they're accusing me of doing it and I didn't. My town comes up all over the place and in a state I dont' even live in I've mentioned that before they went into attack mode but it won't matter. I told them check the ip and they'd see it wasn't me. Oh well. Just wanted to say hi and I miss the nice conversations we had somewhere they might not harass me and blame me for things I didn't do that's why I changed my name but I knew you'd know who I am :-) Thanks for being nice.
Yes, you're welcome.

I try my best to be resonable, but some days, you just have to shake your head and go what in the world, then step back, clear your mind and ignore those that post crazy stuff.

Have a wonderfuly, safe, and joyous New Years Holiday

Since: Aug 07

Location hidden

#416 Jan 1, 2010
Happy New Year Zach and everyone!

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#417 Jan 4, 2010
Angii wrote:
Happy New Year Zach and everyone!
Thanks Angii. Happy New Year to you and everybody in NASCAR land. No jokes for today.

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#418 Jan 18, 2010
Break Room BBQ Sauce

6 packets ketchup
3 packets hot sauce
1 packet soy sauce
1 packet sugar
1 packet mustard
1 packet salt
1 packet pepper

Mix all ingredients together. Let stand approximately 15 minutes or longer.

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#419 Jan 26, 2010
A teacher asks her class one day,“If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?”

Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,

“None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies,“The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Ralphy says,“Now I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing madly, replied,“Well, I suppose it’d be the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Ralphy replied,

“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#420 Feb 18, 2010
OK ladies, I found some jokes you might like on another thread.

MEN!!!!

One day my
housework-challenged husband decided

to wash his
Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he
stepped into the laundry room,

he
shouted to me,'What setting do I use on the
washing
machine?'

'It depends,' I
replied.

'What does it say
on your shirt?'

He
yelled back,' OHIO STATE !'

And they
say
blondes are dumb....

----------

A couple is
lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to
make
you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman
replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------
'It's just too
hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?'

'Probably that I
married you for your money,' she replied.
----------
Q: What do
you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
man?

A: A
rumor

----------
Dear
Lord,

I
pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love
to forgive him;
and
Patience for his moods.
Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN
----------

Q: Why do little
boys whine?

A:
They are practicing to be
men.
----------
Q:A What do
you
call a handcuffed man?
A:
Trustworthy..
----------
Q: What does
it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not
hold the pillow down long enough.
----------
Q: Why do men
whistle when they
are sitting on the
toilet?

A: It helps them
remember which end to wipe..
----------
Q: How do
you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename
the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
----------

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#421 Feb 23, 2010
Two woman talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! Martha.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!!!

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#422 Mar 18, 2010
I found this on another thread.

you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom t hr ew you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#423 Apr 30, 2010
From J.A.S.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like sir?"

Again the man thoroughly looks her over and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#424 May 5, 2010
A woman was taking a shower in the upstairs bathroom. She gets finished and wraps a towel around herself.

Her husband takes a shower right after her.

When the husband steps into the shower, the doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer the door.

Stan, the married couple's next door neighbor, is standing there.

Stan eyes the woman up and down then says, "I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop your towel."

She drops the towel and Stan hands her eight hundred dollars.

Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs.

After his quick shower, the husband asks, "Who was that at the door?"

"Oh, it was just Stan," she answers.

The husband asks, "Did he mention the eight eight hundred dollars he owes me?"

Since: Aug 07

Location hidden

#425 May 5, 2010
Thanks for the laughs Zach!

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#426 May 31, 2010

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

AOL

#427 Jun 3, 2010
zach_ wrote:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com /
LMAO!!! I especially liked the story about the trashy chic who cut in line. I would have done the same thing if I were behind her. Wait....that didn't sound right....LOL

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#428 Jun 7, 2010
HHHHMMMMMM. How have ya been BK2A? Are you getting used to the heat yet?

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

AOL

#429 Jun 7, 2010
zach_ wrote:
HHHHMMMMMM. How have ya been BK2A? Are you getting used to the heat yet?
Been real good Zach. Thanks for asking. Ahhhh yes....I am used to the heat now. 2 weeks of straight 100+ last year took care of that for me. I see you're sizzling down there. Thank goodness it's not quite that hot here yet. Only in the 90's. LOL I work outside a lot nowadays.

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#430 Jun 8, 2010
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/...

Third picture down!!!

“where's the ball”

Since: Jun 08

Location hidden

#431 Jun 17, 2010
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.“Well,” he says,“I figure the job will run about $900:$400 for materials,$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,“I can do this job for $700:$300 for materials,$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,“$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says,“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back,“$1000 for me,$1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

Since: Aug 07

Location hidden

#432 Jun 18, 2010
zach_ wrote:
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.“Well,” he says,“I figure the job will run about $900:$400 for materials,$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,“I can do this job for $700:$300 for materials,$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,“$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says,“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back,“$1000 for me,$1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
Good one! Thanks Zach.

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