Just for Kicks Thread

“JRW 88 Fan 4 Life!!”

Since: Jul 07

EARNHARDTVILLE

#21 Jan 27, 2008
TB Chief wrote:
<quoted text>Glen Bernie? Where the hell is that? I can see it when you tell people you are from Glen Bernie and and they say "Who"?
Who is Glen Bernie..LMAO..YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID????? ROTFLMAO...I guess im to dumb to get this one...lol
TB Chief

Decatur, IL

#22 Jan 27, 2008
This guy goes to the doctor for a check up, Doc says "sir, I am gonna need a urine sample, sperm sample and a stool sample". Guy says "Gee Doc, I am kinda in a hurry! How about I just leave you my underwear?"
Nascar girl

Conroe, TX

#23 Jan 27, 2008
hOPE EVRYONE HAS A GOOD NIGHT AS THIS WILL BE MY LAST post for several weeks as I am having surgery to have my Gallbladder out. Have fun AND GO JR #88 In 08

“JRW 88 Fan 4 Life!!”

Since: Jul 07

EARNHARDTVILLE

#24 Jan 27, 2008
Nascar girl wrote:
hOPE EVRYONE HAS A GOOD NIGHT AS THIS WILL BE MY LAST post for several weeks as I am having surgery to have my Gallbladder out. Have fun AND GO JR #88 In 08
Hope all goes well,YOU WILL BE IN OUR PRAYERS..Good night dear.

“JRW 88 Fan 4 Life!!”

Since: Jul 07

EARNHARDTVILLE

#25 Jan 27, 2008
TB Chief wrote:
This guy goes to the doctor for a check up, Doc says "sir, I am gonna need a urine sample, sperm sample and a stool sample". Guy says "Gee Doc, I am kinda in a hurry! How about I just leave you my underwear?"
lol

Since: Sep 07

Jacksonville

#26 Jan 28, 2008
JMO wrote:
Don't fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make
her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing
the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at
the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard,
liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!"
you should have put a DO NOT have liquid of any kind in your mouth while reading...LMAO (wiping soda off screen)

“RACING RULES ”

Since: Jan 07

Longview, Tx

#27 Jan 28, 2008
A tired nurse goes in a bank and opens up her check book to write a check. Lo and behold she whips out a rectal thermometer. "Oh my God, this means some a$$hole has my pen".(I am a very tired nurse tonight so I will stay away from pens.

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#28 Jan 28, 2008
Women, please don't get mad at me for this one. It was a woman who sent it to me. It is funny though.:-)

I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is, men's answer to Maxine!
MAX

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
----------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
----------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
----------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
----------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#29 Jan 28, 2008
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything
They could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time , day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

JMO

“Follow the Yellow Brick Road!”

Since: Oct 07

Irving, TX

#30 Jan 28, 2008
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said ...

"Then, why do you give a shit ?"

JMO

“Follow the Yellow Brick Road!”

Since: Oct 07

Irving, TX

#31 Jan 28, 2008
b kind 2 animals wrote:
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything
They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time , day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
That was cute, lol

JMO

“Follow the Yellow Brick Road!”

Since: Oct 07

Irving, TX

#32 Jan 28, 2008
Sorry if this offends anyone but I thought it was cute

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless
__________

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

JMO

“Follow the Yellow Brick Road!”

Since: Oct 07

Irving, TX

#33 Jan 28, 2008
>Bubba Had Shingles
>
>For those who have spent any time in a doctor's office lately, you will appreciate this!
>It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
>
>Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
>
>Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
>
>Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
>
>A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
>
>An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked "Where?"
>
>Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

JMO

“Follow the Yellow Brick Road!”

Since: Oct 07

Irving, TX

#34 Jan 28, 2008
Sorry again if this offends anyone, but I just love our troops :)

Gotta love the Marines. Look carefully at the photos:

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g240/dolphi...

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g240/dolphi...

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g240/dolphi...

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g240/dolphi...

Those sneaky Marines: if a muslim sees a naked woman --- they are suppose to kill themselves.

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#35 Jan 28, 2008
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

If you don't send this to five friends, there will five fewer people
laughing in the world!!

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#36 Jan 28, 2008
Bumper Stickers

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.

......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends
take ugly people home.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:

At least we're not Mississippi

Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL:
using both hands

The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#37 Jan 28, 2008
JMO wrote:
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said ...
"Then, why do you give a shit ?"
LMAO!

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#38 Jan 28, 2008
JMO wrote:
>Bubba Had Shingles
>
>For those who have spent any time in a doctor's office lately, you will appreciate this!
>It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
>
>Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
>
>Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
>
>Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
>
>A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
>
>An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked "Where?"
>
>Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
Good one! LOL!

“Nipsy, Chica's pillow”

Since: Nov 07

Bolingbrook, IL

#39 Jan 29, 2008
Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at nine or ten years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. Then came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, cramped, got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar.' Calm down and push.'Just one more good push'(more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale:'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman,'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.
TB Chief

Decatur, IL

#40 Jan 29, 2008
Where do you guys come up with all this stuff?

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