Mr. Flames vs. Chi-town
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Shini

Seoul, Korea

#41 Feb 22, 2013
RappinRollerCoaster wrote:
<quoted text>
Yea I do but if he doesn't show up can you tell me how I did on my punch lines and stuff?
Yes I will still do that after 72 hours have passed. You get a reply by Sunday.

“serious about music , love rap”

Since: Oct 12

Huntsville

#42 Feb 22, 2013
Shini wrote:
<quoted text>Yes I will still do that after 72 hours have passed. You get a reply by Sunday.
Okay thanks

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#43 Feb 22, 2013
Okay I'll try to redo the 4 bars if I can
Shini

Korea

#44 Feb 24, 2013
MrFlames wrote:
Okay I'll try to redo the 4 bars if I can
I'm sorry. As much as I would for you to, if I let you then I have to let everyone else. Then people will complain. It is a contest and the assmuption here is that you know how to contruct a punchline, prior to entering.

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#45 Feb 24, 2013
I couldn't get it done anyways I was sick for awhile
Some Random Dude

United States

#46 Feb 24, 2013
Shini

2bars and a space

3bars and a space

or

4bars and a space

Those are standard, "Stanzas."

Stanzas are like poetries paragraphs.
Shini

Seoul, Korea

#47 Feb 24, 2013
Some Random Dude wrote:
Shini
2bars and a space
3bars and a space
or
4bars and a space
Those are standard, "Stanzas."
Stanzas are like poetries paragraphs.
Thank you for clarification. I am used to 2 bars and a space. I have battled opponents who use triplet bars (not their bars are usually shorter in length).
4 bars and a space is really short but has a block format. Not very many people use it and prefer 2 lines with 2 commas. I use that style a little bit on body bag ent. before it went defunct (mainly because it is easier not to stretch bars that way).
Shini

Seoul, Korea

#48 Feb 24, 2013
chi-town lover wrote:
<quoted text>
Shini I respect your hip hop, rap, verse, bar breakdown can you judge that long as post I.wrote in the.freestyle forum and send.it to me via inbox message. It's cool if ya can't. It was my first real story and I'm curious to see howit came across
Can you post a link of it in a reply? I just saw this message.

“Get money ”

Since: Sep 11

Chicago

#49 Feb 24, 2013
Shini wrote:
<quoted text>
Can you post a link of it in a reply? I just saw this message.
As he awakes this matrix like state 

He contemplates is this reality or fake 

Is this just an illusion, dream, another test?

To Much confusion, seems like a lost quest

What to do where does he even start 

Puff some sour roll n B on a journey he'll embark 

Come home to see my wife dancing with our kid

The American dream is what he lived

Everything a man could ever want 

Beautiful kids and a wife he could flaunt 

The perfect job doing what he loved 

Seemed like a gift from above 

So he never complained 

Was grateful for not going through the pain

Of life 

Like when it rains in nights it pours in freights 

Bottle in the hand sitting under the street lights 

Missed the direction of life made the leap right 

Now he can't eat right No money no sheets to sleep
tight 

Just a wanderer nomad 

Condemn grumpy and so mad 

So sad the life of this old man 

Never had a helping hand no plans 

No goals or aspirations

Mother and father went through separations so in reality
he never knew inspirations

Never went to school said fu*k procedures, rules, and
Regulations

He stuck to heaters, tools for assassinations

Made a living of killing, chillen under that same street
light dope dealing

Corrupt, heartless, was never taught feelings 

Money coming in fast stacking to the ceilings

 Now he's living the fast lane 

Till the man came hes  wanted for murder and
distribution cuz he slanged cane 

What a damn shame thirty years of reading books this man
changed 

Too little too late by the time he got out 

went back to the street light to see if he still had
clout 

People would walk by drop coins on the floor 

So with no family and friends he sat there and waited for
more 
Shini

Korea

#50 Feb 25, 2013
chi-town lover wrote:
<quoted text>
As he awakes this matrix like state 
He contemplates is this reality or fake 
Is this just an illusion, dream, another test?
To Much confusion, seems like a lost quest
What to do where does he even start 
Puff some sour roll n B on a journey he'll embark 
Come home to see my wife dancing with our kid
The American dream is what he lived
Everything a man could ever want 
Beautiful kids and a wife he could flaunt 
The perfect job doing what he loved 
Seemed like a gift from above 
So he never complained 
Was grateful for not going through the pain
Of life 
Like when it rains in nights it pours in freights 
Bottle in the hand sitting under the street lights 
Missed the direction of life made the leap right 
Now he can't eat right No money no sheets to sleep
tight 
Just a wanderer nomad 
Condemn grumpy and so mad 
So sad the life of this old man 
Never had a helping hand no plans 
No goals or aspirations
Mother and father went through separations so in reality
he never knew inspirations
Never went to school said fu*k procedures, rules, and
Regulations
He stuck to heaters, tools for assassinations
Made a living of killing, chillen under that same street
light dope dealing
Corrupt, heartless, was never taught feelings 
Money coming in fast stacking to the ceilings
 Now he's living the fast lane 
Till the man came hes  wanted for murder and
distribution cuz he slanged cane 
What a damn shame thirty years of reading books this man
changed 
Too little too late by the time he got out 
went back to the street light to see if he still had
clout 
People would walk by drop coins on the floor 
So with no family and friends he sat there and waited for
more 
The flow is pretty good and it tells a story from beginning, middle, and end. Nice transgressions and storytelling. This actually makes me want to step my own storytelling game up. I like how it went from a happy life to one of corruption which led to sorrow. This is a very realistic depiction of many people I knew in Reno and Vegas. The imagey is very powerful and that is what guides the listener along. Right now you and Seanny T are my favorite storytellers. There's not much I would change. If you can make it flow when you say it verbally, I think it is good as it is. If not, then change some words that to others that would make it flow better. I only had a little trouble pinpointing the flow and that was about it.

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