Understanding the true meaning of gift-giving

[JoyLeaf]

Since I give handmade items to most people I am close enough to give gifts to, I guess if they don't like it they can ask me to give them the cost of the materials and then an additional amount equivalent to the time I spent knitting or stitching the gift? That way I won’t annoy them with a gift they did not demand. Of course I could also cross them off of the friends who get a gift list as well.

[Kris]

I have received a number of handmade gifts over the years. In almost every case, they did not fit or were otherwise unusable. And yet, I have kept and cherished every one, because I knew how much effort (i.e., love) it took to make them.

People can tell when a gift is a gift, and when it's just some alternate form of money wrapped up.

[Jane]

I never registered for gifts when I was married (in 1972)...back then it seemed like people were registering for china and silver only, and I had no interest in that. My mom, whenever she answered the phone and someone asked what she suggested they buy us for a wedding gift, answered "towels" to EACH and EVERY person.
I got, seriously, over 20 sets of towels in every imaginable color.
I used those towels for years. It was funny and disappointing at the same time, back then... just funny, now!
I recommend registering. It helps people at least to see what appeals to you. And if people strictly buy from the store with the list, you won't get 20+ sets of towels!

[beba]

I look at the gift registries to see what the couple or new mom has in mind. Then I buy something small, useful but fun from the list, or make something small, useful and fun, or buy something else small, useful and fun. Finally, I add on a gift card or check so they recipient can get whatever else they want/need. I figure the small gift is the symbol of my affection and the money gift is always welcome.

I tend not to notice if my gift is actually worn/used/displayed, etc. It is not 'mine', after all.

Now, can we talk abut how I LOVE to get a real, handwritten, heartfelt, thank you note? Sigh.

[beba]

Another thing - I married young and before registries were for much else than china and flatware - which I didn't want back then since we were still students. So all our wedding gifts were "surprises" and we had great fun opening them! Yes, there were a few repeats : three electric fry pan, two electric knives, etc. But we found homes or uses for everything over the years and did not return or exchange a single item.

If all a couple gets is stuff from their registry, opening the gifts must be no fun at all - more like 'taking inventory'!

[New mom]

I have written (and yes, hand-written -- but in my daughter's "voice") more than 130 thank you notes for shower and birth gifts. I cannot begin to tell you how many clothes she has (and I have bought one outfit - only one!). Every morning I get her dressed, I have tears in my eyes thinking of my friends and family who picked out these outfits and I tell her about the gift givers. I take photos and share them with the people who purchased the outfits (I can remember about 75% of them). We chose not to return any of our gifts as we believe they were chosen for a reason.(Okay, except for the recycled book that was inscribed to my friend's daughter -- but hey it's a cute book). We did have a registry and are grateful for the daily items people sent from that, but love the personally chosen items as much. We think we are the luckiest people on earth to have people think of us and our daughter at all. People with entitlement issues drive me mad. No one owes you a gift. No one.

[Mitsy]

I like New Mom's post. She shows true gratitude for the things she has received and I'm sure the folks who gave her the items don't doubt that she cherished these things. I also agree about no one owing anyone a gift.

My Mom and I have had a couple situations where 2nd cousins or very distant relatives (whom we do not see nor have any contact with) send college graduation announcements. Some of these cousins are well into their 30's, having put off college until they got their wild oats out after high school. My cousin who lives in the southern states has a son whom I've seen maybe 3 times in my life. He doesn't even know me or my Mom really. This is my Dad's family and my Dad has been gone for several years. My Mom got an invitation in the mail recently for this guy's graduation and asked me what she should do. I told her it should go in the recycled paper box! I don't think it warrants a gift check, a card or anything. It reeks of opportunistic presumption that people you never see and have never been close to want to send you money just because you got a diploma.

This isn't the first time I've encountered such a situation. I have had former friends (who live far away and I have no contact with now) send me these "announcement" which are really nothing more than a guise for a gift. I ignored this last one and don't feel bad about it.

These really get under my skin more so than some of the shower scenarios.

[Saluki Rod]

Registry-shmegistry...get them a toaster oven and they'll like it.

[Joan B]

I agree with Miss Manners last paragraph. I don't like to
adhere to gimme lists as that defeats the purpose of originality

[Joan]

I agree with Miss Manners last statement --what happened to originality --especially with baby gifts --weddings are a bit different

[Suze]

I have a bridal shower to go to on Sunday. I went to the store where they're registered today afer work, after running errands. I got the registry list, found sales associates on the floor who helped me find my choices. I spent the money in my price range I'd alloted for the present, went to the register where they even put the presents in a gift bag for me. After a hard day, I didn't want to be creative; I wanted to buy these nice kids something I knew they wanted and that's what I did. I even had time to run to the clothing store next door and buy a couple of cute summer tops, one of which I plan to wear to the shower. Registries rock! I'm happy; the bride will be happy, the groom's mom, my friend, will be happy I gave her son and his betrothed a nice present. Everyone's happy. Where's the bad?

[Registry Is Good]

My best friend's son is getting married at the end of this month. He and his fiancee registered at Crate and Barrel, thank goodness, because I had no idea what to give them. I found the perfect gifts and had them sent directly to the bride, and a week later I received a lovely thank you note from her.

I was most happy to use the online registry, as I'm flying to New York for the wedding and it wouldn't be practical to be toting a gift box along, especially as I only have 40 minutes between connecting flights...and of course I was glad to give the couple just what they wanted.

[A girl]

Susan wrote:

I usually agree with everything Miss Manners says, but the one issue on which we consistently disagree is gift registries. I don't understand why people are so averse to using them. Weddings and births are times when people get gifts. It's not tacky to assume that when you get married, someone might buy you a gift. It's also not tacky to have a list drawn up of items that would match and that you like. I got married a few months ago, and trust me, the things that people gave me that were not on the registry were not thoughtful, meaningful gifts; they were often thoughtless (like a random set of towels in a random color). This is why people get irritated when people don't buy off the registry. If you hate registries, then you can refuse to use them all you want, but they exist for a very good reason. People who refuse to use them on principle are indeed making the gift-giving more about themselves than the recipient of the gift.

I agree completely. I think registries are a fabulous idea and I don't understand why people get all upset about them.

[anonexbrooklynit e]

ohio blue wrote:

Yeah, and to allow newlyweds to limit their toaster and fondue pot intake to one of each. I think of gift registries as an optional guide. When my cousin got married, I looked over her registry and saw that at one of the stores she had chosen, I could only afford to buy her one or two items, but I wanted to get her more. So I printed out that registry (complete with helpful pictures) and took it to Pier One, where I knew I could find the exact same stemless wineglasses for one eighth of the price. I was then able to add to those a set of plates and bowls that were very similar to ones on her registry. Woo hoo! I got all of that for the price of four wineglasses at the store she registered in.
I thought I had done pretty well, but then I heard a young newlywed coworker complaining bitterly about the audacity of people who gave her things that were not even on her registry, and how she couldn't even return the items because she couldn't find the stores where they were purchased. I tried to gently tell her that it was nice of the guests to bring her a present at all, but it fell on deaf ears and I left off, not wanting to meet rudeness with more rudeness.
Then I started wondering how widespread this belief is, this belief in the sacredness of the almighty Gift Registry. I think my cousin was raised better than that, but it does make me wonder...

Were the glasses exactly the same design? If so, good choice, especially as glasses get dropped, break, etc. If not, it depends on how coordinated she likes her table. Some folks like everything to match. Same with the plates and bowls.

Your intentions were thoughtful & sweet, but you probably would have been better off picking out something not on the list than something close to, but not the same as what she had on the registry.

I think registries are useful for avoiding duplicates. If people don't want to go by the registry, that's fine too, but then try to pick out something that won't be duplicated or that people can always use more of. For bridal showers, I go with dish towels, because you can always use those. I either find out the kitchen colors or buy neutral colors. For infants, clothing in larger sizes is always good because many people just buy newborn and the parents have too many of those & not enough in bigger sizes. I stick to practical things like onesies or sleepers.

I usually combine registry items with the old standbys. And if I can't afford anything on the registry, I'll give them a gift cert to the store so they can pool it with other ones to get what they want.

[hannah]

I have a question. I am throwing a bridal shower for a friend. Must I include where they are registered. I feel that it can be a bit tacky. I've already looked a bit online for some guidelines, but no one seems to agree. I thought that by asking the guests to rsvp (regardless if they will be attending or not) it would give them an opportunity to ask where the couple is registered. So, is it rude to include that information on the bridal shower invite?

[Sara]

I didn't know they had bridal shower registries, unless the registry in which you speak is for the wedding. I don't know about bridal registry etiquette, but if it's for the wedding, ..I would let the guests at the shower know where they are registered through word of mouth. Although some people feel more comfortable with a registry so they know what to buy, it still may come across as solicitating gifts. Then again in hindsight, it depends on the family in question, if a registry is expected, especially due to prior familiar events, then I see no problem. Our family has always registered for gifts, more for the fun of it, and we've never sent out cards announcing the registry, yet waited for someone to ask. I understand it might seem a little awkward, but maybe that's just us. I think today in our society, invitees should ask when they rsvp if the couple is registered, and if they're concerned about what the new couple would want, they would automatically ask if there's a registry somewhere. Again, I don't mind which way or another, ..just my humble opinion. :)

[hannah]

Thanks Sara! The registry is for the wedding, but people use it to buy gifts for the showers and the engagement party (yes, b/c that has also become a gift giving occasion).
I just thought I could leave off the information and wait for the guests to call or email me with their rsvp. I'm sure I will have to email many of them to ask if they are coming, because so many people cannot be bothered with an rsvp... it's just too much to ask apparently.:)

[J-Kat]

hannah wrote:

I have a question. I am throwing a bridal shower for a friend. Must I include where they are registered.

Since the whole idea of a shower is to bring gifts, I think most people appreciate knowing where the couple is registered. I like knowing, because I can send a gift and not even attend the shower if I don't want to.

Including the registries in the wedding invitation is tacky.

[hannah]

J-Kat wrote:

<quoted text>
Since the whole idea of a shower is to bring gifts, I think most people appreciate knowing where the couple is registered. I like knowing, because I can send a gift and not even attend the shower if I don't want to.
Including the registries in the wedding invitation is tacky.

I see your point, but when you call or email to rsvp, you can just as easily ask the host where the couple is registered. Also, I usually just go to one of the wedding web sites out there (the knot or wedding channel) and search for the couple. Their registries usually are there.

[J-Kat]

hannah wrote:

<quoted text>
I see your point, but when you call or email to rsvp,....

Ah, but then you have to assume that people actually know what RSVP means or that they'll actually do it.

Which opens up a whole 'nother can of etiquette worms.

(And yes, I always do. But a lot of people don't.)