Understanding the true meaning of gift-giving

[Jennifer]

Buying something 'similiar' to what was on the registry is probably even worse, as they registered for the number they wanted, and since the original register still shows that gift as open they might end up with double, which is half the point of the registry to start with!
Whether or not I go by the registry depends on the person and what is on the registry. If there is nothing I feel myself wanting to give then I buy outside of the list but I try to keep within the theme/tastes given. Or I give something totally different which they probably never thought of, in one case a baby advice book that I found invaluable myself.

[Susan]

I usually agree with everything Miss Manners says, but the one issue on which we consistently disagree is gift registries. I don't understand why people are so averse to using them. Weddings and births are times when people get gifts. It's not tacky to assume that when you get married, someone might buy you a gift. It's also not tacky to have a list drawn up of items that would match and that you like. I got married a few months ago, and trust me, the things that people gave me that were not on the registry were not thoughtful, meaningful gifts; they were often thoughtless (like a random set of towels in a random color). This is why people get irritated when people don't buy off the registry. If you hate registries, then you can refuse to use them all you want, but they exist for a very good reason. People who refuse to use them on principle are indeed making the gift-giving more about themselves than the recipient of the gift.

[Sara]

Susan wrote:

I usually agree with everything Miss Manners says, but the one issue on which we consistently disagree is gift registries. I don't understand why people are so averse to using them. Weddings and births are times when people get gifts. It's not tacky to assume that when you get married, someone might buy you a gift. It's also not tacky to have a list drawn up of items that would match and that you like. I got married a few months ago, and trust me, the things that people gave me that were not on the registry were not thoughtful, meaningful gifts; they were often thoughtless (like a random set of towels in a random color). This is why people get irritated when people don't buy off the registry. If you hate registries, then you can refuse to use them all you want, but they exist for a very good reason. People who refuse to use them on principle are indeed making the gift-giving more about themselves than the recipient of the gift.

I'm sorry, but you still got towels, that cost money ... maybe they lost their 'REGISTRY CARD', and thought you like the color. OMG having extra towels,..the horror!!!

[Angelique]

Megan wrote:

I work part-time in retail (in addition to my full-time job), and the people that gall me the most are the ones that register for all sorts of stuff, return it all, and then go use the store credit to purchase a sofa in one of our sister stores!(Our store credit is transferrable throughout the company.) As for my husband and I, we received presents at the bridal shower (a lot of kitchen stuff, because I love to cook), and we received money as wedding gifts from our families and friends. We did not expect anything, and were very touched by our families' and friends' generosity.

OMG, who would have thought of that idea. Imagine, I could have returned all my gifts and bought jewelry!! Ha-ha.

[Mitsy]

I can understand the writer's sentiments and I especially understand taking the time and effort to find just the right gift only to worry that the recipient will end up exchanging it anyway. I think the heart of the matter is not the gift giver but the recipient who has a habit of returning everything. If she does, why go to the extra effort then?

Why not buy something you couldn't care less if she exchanged? For that matter, why not just go by the registry if the thought of her exchanging it is so painful? I see nothing wrong with not including a receipt as I sometimes think that nudges people to return things they might not otherwise, but why waste so much effort on someone who sounds rather ungrateful from the start? Just my opinion.

[Emily]

The receivers should be thankful they're getting gifts. To be picky about them is just plain rude.

[Michelle]

I was forced to register by my MIL for both my Wedding and when I had my baby. Not only that, then she had the gall to tell me to go back at 9 months and register for more stuff, b/c there wasn't enough to choose from (I only wanted to register for the big stuff, which my friends and co-workers got together and bought me). Come to find out, she never checked it, and bought whatever she wanted to.

I don't want to come across as an ungrateful spite, but after 3 months of her insisting, asking, begging, and demanding, you would think she wanted to look at it or something!?!?

In the end, the only ones who looked at it were said co-workers and said associate friends.

so please, Ann, enough of the "younger generation". I'd much rather have something homemade, or from the heart than anything from a list or store.

[Michelle]

Oh, and I treasure each gift I was given, and sent hand-written, thoughtful thank you notes.

[Stina]

LAS wrote:

This is why i like giving savings bonds as presents for kids.

I love doing that, too! I'll do like a small, inexpensive toy and a savings bond. My Mom does that for my daughter, too, and it's great.

[Sue]

My family was very upset that I had no intention of creating a gift registry for my baby shower. I tried to explain that as a first-time mother, I didn't really know what I'd need. The point of a shower is for more experienced parents to give you the benefit of their wisdom. They insisted, so I did a lot of research and came up with what all the parenting magazines said were the right things to buy.

My friends got what they felt was appropriate, and I appreciated and used all of it. My family bought from the registry, and I ended up regretting almost every one of those items.

From her description, LW1 sounded a lot like my friends, who knew how to pick out less fancy stuff that I would actually be able to use. My only concern is her refusal to include a gift receipt. Otherwise, I think she put a lot more effort into getting a nice gift than someone who clicked a few keys while online or spent 3 minutes on the phone with customer service.

[Suze]

The problem with savings bonds is they're up to something like 20+ years before they can be cashed in. I give checks for family members,earmarked for college (so I say on the card; what they do is up to them) as well as an outfit for the baby and a toy. For friends, outfit and toy. I guess I'm out of touch; I registered for my china and a few other nice items when I married over 17 years ago. Never occured to me to register for the baby a couple years later.

Too many people who give presents do think it's all about them. For my son's bar mitzvah, my two sisters got together and bought him a digital camera, which was terrific. However, four good friends had he same terrific idea and bought the same camera plus a printer to print out the pictures. My sisters were so ticked that my friends had "stolen" their idea (how could I let this happen?)that they took their camera home with them! And said they'd get him something else. Two years later...I'm not holding my breath.

[kent]

anon wrote:

I disagree with Miss Manners here.
In giving a gift, I always enclose a gift receipt. I would MUCH rather have someone return a gift that they may not like, already have something similar, or just can't use, and use the money to purchase something for themselves. I beleive that a GIFT should be something that is useful for the receiver.

In this particular case, unless the recipient is obnoxiously choosey, one could always use extra baby clothes.

[Kevin]

Perhaps I'm just old fashioned but I think babies should have baby quilts so I make each baby their own. I have yet to have anyone attempt to return one to me.

[Suzie]

Ever used a service called edivvy.com for this? I think this resolves what most of the comments on this thread has brought up.

[Wyndie]

Wedding gifts we loved: A pair of pillow cases with hand-made tatted lace added to the edges. Sterling silver flatware in our pattern. An aluminum step ladder. A large set of glassware. Two electric warming trays for entertaining.

Wedding gifts we didn't love: A set of Chinese appliqué doilies, some of them used and then laundered. A chrome two-tier tidbit server (which an unkind friend mispronounced as a "two-bit tidbit"). A sofa pillow in weird colors.

Baby gifts we loved: A sterling silver rattle. Dr. Spock's baby book. Another baby book entitled "How to Raise Children at Home in Your Spare Time" (actually written by a real pediatrician with a sense of humor).

Baby gifts we didn't love: The fourth and fifth little pink dresses in size Newborn. A "walker" (a ring sling on wheels -- very dangerous if you have steps in your house).

We sent each gift-giver a nice thank-you note, no matter what the gift was, and even if it was presented in person. Our parents would have criticized us if we had failed in this obligation.

[Jenny B]

I must add that it all depends on how 'high end' the gift-registree is.

One of my dear friends has taste so expensive, even thed Queen would be embarrased. I can never afford her 'choices' and I know she'll just hate my gift. So I buy what I like and can afford and send in the receipt.

It got me through the showers and wedding.

[Stone Thrower]

Sara wrote:

<quoted text>
I'm sorry, but you still got towels, that cost money ... maybe they lost their 'REGISTRY CARD', and thought you like the color. OMG having extra towels,..the horror!!!

Having extra towels can be when you live in a small apartment, and I think the point of the person's post is that there was little thought put into those gifts - it was stuff just for the sake of stuff. Maybe there is a generational gap about registries... I like the practical nature of them and think that people who give stuff without thinking of the person to whom they are gifting (like those who gave a bunch of towels) are just as selfish as those who throw fits about not getting for what exactly they asked.

My future MIL really wants to get us stuff because she is so happy about the future marriage. I adore her and appreciate the thought, but we have a full set of kitchen/bath towels and do not need more in our small apartment. At some point when people insist on giving things just for the sake of giving, it becomes more about them then the receiver.

[Jill]

When my brother and sil were married 25 years ago, before the popularity of registries, they received a horrendously ugly and impractical
"Continental Serving Set." It was a 7 piece stoneware set of s/p shakers, salad tongs, etc. They had no idea where to return or exchange it. For the last 25 years, it has been re-gifted many times for various family birthdays, Christmases, and anniversaries. We never know who is going to get it, or when. Last summer my daughter, the first niece or nephew to marry, received it as a shower gift. As we shared the story, many had their own strange-gift stories to tell. The set has certainly been enjoyed by our family, just not in the way the giver intended, I'm sure!

[Angelique]

Kevin wrote:

Perhaps I'm just old fashioned but I think babies should have baby quilts so I make each baby their own. I have yet to have anyone attempt to return one to me.

Ah, a fellow quilter. I give quilts for weddings, birthdays, babies, etc. I always have the recipient go with me to choose the fabric they like as well as a pattern that suits them. I have never had anyone refuse a quilt, ever. A handmade quilt is a very expensive gift, so my gift is usually the only one of its kind.

[Michael]

This illustrates one of the reasons that I generally give a cash gift. The couple can then use the money to obtain what they want. When I recently became engaged, we discussed it and now tell anyone who asks that we are registered at our local Break Time quick stop. We are not interested in participating in the “gift wars” and use this as a way to let our friends know that we are more interested in welcoming them at our wedding than counting what they bring.