Understanding the true meaning of gift-giving

D ear Miss Manners: I understand that a registry should only be taken as a suggestion and that anyone who chooses to give a gift is under no obligation to purchase from a set list.

[TychaBrahe]

The original purpose of a registry was to allow people to buy a bride silver and china in a particular pattern. Can't we go back to that?

[ohio blue]

Yeah, and to allow newlyweds to limit their toaster and fondue pot intake to one of each. I think of gift registries as an optional guide. When my cousin got married, I looked over her registry and saw that at one of the stores she had chosen, I could only afford to buy her one or two items, but I wanted to get her more. So I printed out that registry (complete with helpful pictures) and took it to Pier One, where I knew I could find the exact same stemless wineglasses for one eighth of the price. I was then able to add to those a set of plates and bowls that were very similar to ones on her registry. Woo hoo! I got all of that for the price of four wineglasses at the store she registered in.

I thought I had done pretty well, but then I heard a young newlywed coworker complaining bitterly about the audacity of people who gave her things that were not even on her registry, and how she couldn't even return the items because she couldn't find the stores where they were purchased. I tried to gently tell her that it was nice of the guests to bring her a present at all, but it fell on deaf ears and I left off, not wanting to meet rudeness with more rudeness.

Then I started wondering how widespread this belief is, this belief in the sacredness of the almighty Gift Registry. I think my cousin was raised better than that, but it does make me wonder...

[Stone Thrower]

I disagree with Miss Manners. Ideal gifts given are those that have some meaning behind them, but so few gift givers actually make that effort. Instead people feel obligated to get others "stuff" just to fill an perceived obligation of giving a gift. I see registries as being used as a way of limiting the amount of "stuff" that people receive (so people can see what others have purchased), and to help gift givers who do not have time to put much thought into giving a gift some guidance.

I doubt the new mom cares if her baby gets clothes that are not on her list and would be grateful for the clothes regardless (if she does have issue, she needs help), but for big purchases like strollers it is good to be able to see what people would like for their child and to ensure that they don't get three or four of them.

All that being said, if you do receive a gift for which you do not care, griping about it is uncouth. Just return it or donate it. For those gift givers who do put extra effort and get things they think that new parents or newlyweds want outside of registries, they should hold back expressing their feelings of being offended if their gifts are returned as it was a risk taken when people give gifts.

[Jane]

I agree with the letter writer about not wanting to buy off of the gift registry - but to not include a gift receipt is wrong. It seems childish and spiteful to say "I don't care if she uses it or not - but she but she's not returning it!"
The old 'two wrongs don't make a right' saying comes to mind.

[anon]

I disagree with Miss Manners here.
In giving a gift, I always enclose a gift receipt. I would MUCH rather have someone return a gift that they may not like, already have something similar, or just can't use, and use the money to purchase something for themselves. I beleive that a GIFT should be something that is useful for the receiver.

[Terri at home]

I agree with Jane and would like to add that not giving the receipt so she forces her into an exchange and not a return, well, she's trying to direct the gift receivers actions. You give a gift from the heart and then let it go. Only then you can truly call it a gift.

I get a kick out of giving people things and hoping I get it right. Sometimes I don't and I am just as happy if they take it back. They know what was in my heart.

[suzyq]

I like registries - I like buying something that I know the party won't have to take back - however any gift should be received graciously even if it is the weirdest thing you ever saw. At my wedding shower I received from a quite well to do friend of the family - one glass (not expensive crystal, just a dime store glass & I didn't have any glassware on my registry). As this was 35 years ago I don't remember too many details of this party and I don't remember all the gifts or even the guests - but I will never forget opening that box with that one glass and still get a good laugh from it. She got a nice thank you note along with everyone else. Manners are manners as my mother taught.

[Steph]

Terri at home wrote:

I agree with Jane and would like to add that not giving the receipt so she forces her into an exchange and not a return, well, she's trying to direct the gift receivers actions. You give a gift from the heart and then let it go. Only then you can truly call it a gift.
I get a kick out of giving people things and hoping I get it right. Sometimes I don't and I am just as happy if they take it back. They know what was in my heart.

I agree. Another thing I have typically done when giving baby gifts is to buy something small of the registry and then pick out an outfit that allows me to express my own creativity and desire to give something memorable.

I always include a gift receipt because at the end of the day, I would rather have them return it and get what they need for the money to be wasted and the gift to be unused. I was blessed to receive many wonderful gifts for my twins when they were born but there were cases where I had not enough of one size clothing and way too much of another. In this case I kept the clothing given by close friends and family members who would see my kids often and exchanged other items. I was lucky in that most gifts I received had a gift receipt. If they didn't and I couldn't exchange it or use it, I donated it to a local domestic violence shelter.

[Misty]

Few stores give money for a return with a gift receipt, instead offering a store credit for the dollar amount at which the item was purchased. One can still return an item from the store without a gift receipt and receive the store credit, but if the item dropped in price or was part of a promotion, the credit will be for the lowest selling price, not necessarily what was paid for it. So an exchange for something of equal value may not be possible.

I'm weirded out that the writer has put so much energy into deliberately NOT giving the recipient something she wants, and making it as difficult as possible for her to change it. Seriously, if you know your friend is a stinker about gifts, and you don't like registries, don't give her anything. Bring a casserole when the kid is born. There are better ways to be a friend.

[Sara]

Where is she getting all the critiques from? Does the LW tell everyone she knows what she bought, and then asks their opinion? Then she still needs more advice by writing to Miss Manners? I don't get it. They're baby clothes that will come in handy when the child grows, I highly doubt that the mommy will throw them away if there's no gift receipt or because they weren't on the "baby" registry. The very idea of a baby registry just cracks me up.

[Ann]

The younger generation especially likes the "gimme lists" and expects to receive every item on their list. Expectation however, don't make them right. Gift registeries were first created, as one person already pointed out, to allow the gift givers to know the person's choice of china and silver patterns. Recently, these registeries, through the thoughtfullness of today's (self)service minded retailers, have become complete one stop money drop destinations. You can become a sucker for them, or you can take a few moments to use your brain and select a gift for someone.

[hannah]

I love looking at gift registries. They help me pick out a gift I know the couple needs/wants. I have heard that some companies offer new couples a discount on the items that were not purchased off of their registry. For example, a couple has ten things left on their registry. The couple then gets say a 10% discount on those items. My friend told me this at the time of her wedding. I simply gave her a gift card to the store. I don't love to give cash or gift cards, but if that is what they could use, then so be it. However, I am totally against honeymoon registries. I know that goes against my desire to get the couple what they need/want, but I guess I think of that in terms of household items.:) I won't be living with my boyfriend before we get married, so if we do register it would be for the traditional items such as everyday plates. Luckily I my mother has at least three full sets of china passed down from her family, so I am blessed with a choice of (free) china. No need to register for that.
I just want to add, I do see the point of view that gifts should be given from the heart, and I don't think that anyone should be faulted for wanting to give something to a new couple or new parents gifts from the heart.

[Stephani]

Well, I think baby registries are helpful for bigger purchases like strollers, baby swings, etc. And parents can be picky about certain items they want for their children, or might already own them already.

I wasn't going to do a baby registry until my MIL talked me into it.(Apparently she was tired of family members pestering her for gift ideas.) So, yeah, I registered for bigger stuff like strollers, pack-N-plays, etc... and more specialized items like crib sheets and matching curtains.

Personally, I think the LW is over-thinking this and has a persecution complex. I wonder if she is the type of person who polices her friend's home to see if that lovely casserole dish she purchased for their wedding is actually being used or is just sitting unopened in a box somewhere, or *horrors* returned because they already had three and don't like to cook.

[LAS]

This is why i like giving savings bonds as presents for kids.

[Ali]

I was disappointed that Miss Manners didn't say more about the LW's attitude about gift-giving---doing so out of spite and trying so hard to make sure they wouldn't be able to exchange it.

I like registries for the purpose of telling you what the person needs and likes (and doesn't). I always think back to my own wedding, when I received 6 blenders as gifts. We already had 2 of them, so I didn't register for one. I then spent weeks trying to figure out where to return the extras. I was grateful for the gifts, of course, but is it really a 'thoughtful' gift if you don't take the time to figure out what the person might really want? I always buy gifts from registries if possible; I love knowing that my gift is going to be used and appreciated.

[giftee]

All this is well and good, until you become the unwilling recipient of useless trinkets from a serial gifter - or worse, regifter. My mother in law is constantly buying us odd junk and presenting it as a gift. Lest you think I'm an ungrateful wench, bibs for grownups with the Canadian flag on them and a three foot wide wooden bird are just a couple of the things I've received. She also likes to tell me what I need - salad tongs for example - and then when I politely, but firmly decline, she purchases them for me as a gift anyway. She then looks for the items when she visits.

[Terri at home]

giftee wrote:

All this is well and good, until you become the unwilling recipient of useless trinkets from a serial gifter - or worse, regifter. My mother in law is constantly buying us odd junk and presenting it as a gift. Lest you think I'm an ungrateful wench, bibs for grownups with the Canadian flag on them and a three foot wide wooden bird are just a couple of the things I've received. She also likes to tell me what I need - salad tongs for example - and then when I politely, but firmly decline, she purchases them for me as a gift anyway. She then looks for the items when she visits.

Have a basement? Get a shadow box and put these things in it and hang it in the basement -- kind of like a trophy case. How funny would that be?

Okay -- you wouldn't really do it. But it's fun to think of these things. Give it to charity and be done with it. What else can you do? You know she won't change.

[no exit]

Eh, I always give the exact same baby shower gift: a few dozen cloth diapers (because they can be used for everything and are made to absorb)and onesies in a 6 month or larger size. If I'm very close to the parents-to-be I'll throw in a gift certificate for a cleaning service for once or twice.

[Misty]

Sara wrote:

Where is she getting all the critiques from? Does the LW tell everyone she knows what she bought, and then asks their opinion? Then she still needs more advice by writing to Miss Manners?

This is a really good point.

[Megan]

I work part-time in retail (in addition to my full-time job), and the people that gall me the most are the ones that register for all sorts of stuff, return it all, and then go use the store credit to purchase a sofa in one of our sister stores!(Our store credit is transferrable throughout the company.) As for my husband and I, we received presents at the bridal shower (a lot of kitchen stuff, because I love to cook), and we received money as wedding gifts from our families and friends. We did not expect anything, and were very touched by our families' and friends' generosity.