**HG Guide to Dining Out.**
I think when you eat out you should have a little
fun; it's good for digestion. Simple things!
After a waiter recites a long list of specials, ask him if they serve cow feet.
Issue special instructions. Ask for the French toast, medium rare. Get a pizza with no toppings, hold the crust.
Tell 'em you want eggs: " Fry the whites and poach the yolks." Order a basket of poppy seed rolls and tell them to scrape off the seeds and put them in a separate bowl and heat them to 200 degrees. Keep them busy.
Tell your waiter you want to make a substitution: " Instead of my napkin, I'll have the lobster tails.' See what he says. Ask him if the garnish is free. If it is, tell him all you're having is a large plate of garnish.
Giving your waiter your drink order can be fun. If you're alone, show the guy you're a real man. " Gimme a glass of napalm and paint thinner straight up."
Be individualist; order a gin and hot chocolate.
If you're with a date, be sophisticated. Say, " I'll have a rum and goat juice with a twist of cucumber on dry ice."
Always order your date's drink; that's very romantic. Especially if you're trying to get laid. " The lady will have a martini, a glass of wine, two zombies, and a beer. And do you have any Quaaludes?
When the food arrives, change your mind. Say, "I've changes my mind, waiter. Instead of the roast suckling pig, I believe I'll have a half order of Kellogg's Product 19."
(Above were courtesy of the Late Great George Carlin.)