Help with Spanish Husband
Posted in the Houston Forum
#1 Jan 20, 2009
I coming to the board today to seek your advice about a relationship problem I have.
I am married to a Spanish man and love him very much.
My husband speaks perfect English along with everyone else in his family.
I only speak English, and do not understand Spanish when spoken.
OK My Problem.
His family (six people) have showed up on my door time and time again with no phone call, or any notice of their visit.
We asked them to pease call before they come so we could get dressed and be prepared. Their answer was to quit coming to my house all together.
I was caught off guard not exspecting guest. One time I had a dinner party planed for some girl friends and guess who all found out and all came over uninvited (before my guest arrived) ate all of my guest appetizers, and chips and dip within 30 minutes leaving my guest setups empty and trashed. My Guest had not even arrived yet. I was so crushed.
My main problem is that they continue to communicate in Spanish with each other when I am present when they know and speak perfect English.
I don't care what language they speak when I'm not "suppost" to be in the conversation, and I understand when someone does not know English. I am only refering to people who know perfect English and I am sitting in the middle like a dummy.
I have told my husband that it makes me feel left out and I would like to be included in on the conversations also.
I do not like to feel like an outsider in my own home. They too are well aware of how I feel and that it hurts me and of course that gives them I reason to judge me, and do it more.
It is almost like they are doing it on purpose to upset me.
I want to grow to love them, they will be my family for many years.
Today we met my husbands brother to exchange some money, I was in the drivers seat of the car, the brother pulled up on "MY SIDE" of the car and they had a ten minute conversation across me in Spanish, stuck in the middle I just felt like ...well I dint have the words to say how it makes me feel.
I know their primary language is Spanish in their country, but we are in the USA and they know better English than I do.
Why do they continue this disrespect when they know it hurts me.
And should my husband defend me and protect me as my man and ask his family to respect me in this matter.
What should I say to him to make him understand, he says he wants to speak in his language sometimes.
Which is fine to me, as long as I'm not sitting in the middle and he's speaking to a person who does not know English.
I remember as a child with sisters we were not allowed to whisper secrets to each other when someone else is in the room. My mother insisted that it was very disrespectful to the others.
I love my husband and do not want to lose him.
But, this is a big problem.
I feel very disrespected.
Tell me the truth.
#2 Jan 25, 2009
Lisa, the sad truth is that you married outside of your race and culture. Your in-laws clearly have no respect for you. If they did, they would give you the courtesy of a phone call and NOT deliberately exclude you from conversations by speaking Spanish. In your own home, no less!
The fact that your husband allows this to continue is testimony to where his allegiance is. You will always be an outsider in your own home.
#3 Jan 3, 2010
Leave him now it will never work
#4 Jan 5, 2010
how old are you Lisa?
#5 Jan 5, 2010
bad manners (showing up unannounced)i understand that and you have all the right to speak only english in your home if so you like it, i have been to other parts of the world and they speak 3 or 4 different lenguages ,i don't understand why here in the states some people wants it to be an only english speaking country...wouldn't be better if we all become multilingual...??
#6 Jan 21, 2010
I am American and have a latin husband also. I hate to break it to you but some of this is purely cultural. The coming by unannounced is 100% cultural. It is not considered rude in latin culture to drop by your friend's or family's house unannounced. That whole "my house is your house" thing also means "your house is MY house". I don't think there's a "nice" way to end that habit. Personally, there are many things that I consider to be bad manners or in poor taste (as do plenty of other gringos) that pass for completely normal in the latin world.
The desire to communicate in Spanish verses English is mostly done because it is just comfortable. I've had many conversations with very educated bilingual people about they do it because it is what they are most comfortable speaking. It is not to exclude you.
Rather than being pissed off by it, my suggestion is for you to learn Spanish. It never HURTS to know two languages. It will only help you in your personal and professional life. As for the manners, sometimes some feelings are bound to get hurt. The house is YOUR house too and you deserve to be comfortable and happy there. You may have to put your foot down and explain to your husband that this behavior affects your happiness and marriage. It will be very hard for your husband to put his foot down with his family - however. Loyalty, respect, and obligation run much further in Latin families than American ones (sorry but the truth).
Oh, and forget what someone else said about "you married into another culture". Yes, you did but the same could be said for your husband as well. He married an American. This will take some time and compromise but you'll work it out.
“Black Velvet & Tea Roses”
Since: Jan 10
#7 Jan 22, 2010
Tell them it is America and to respect you and yours.
#8 Jan 22, 2010
Tell him to learn to speak english or get the french out.
#9 Mar 11, 2013
Hi. I'm spaniard and I totally understand your issue. I used tu have a french fiancee and felt the same as you feel. My advice is the following one.
First of all it's true that going to your brother, parents , son's house without preventing it's totally normal. I'm sorry it's a cultural thing for us is shocking that you have to ask for a appointment for check in with your family or friends.
About the language matter its really exausting for those who speaks a second language. Even if the do it right , to speak that language. Because you don't directly speak in that language. You first think in your native language and then you translate. Plus, it feels awkard to speak to your compatriot in an other language. When you marry an forgeiner you accept whatever it comes with in his backpack. If it's so hard to live with it leave him. Instead you can learn spanish. The easiest way to learn a language it's to date a native and you are married to one!!! And the english speakers accent looks ver cute in a woman to the spanish men. Good luck. I hope you can solve your problem, and I apologise for mistakes and grammar.
#10 Mar 16, 2013
Girl, I'm married to Mexican man and I am a black Puerto Rican. I wish his family would show up at MY CASTLE UNANNOUNCED, I would bestow them the door! You take control of your home especially if your husband is allowing this to go on then you must take charge. Some Latin men grew up with mote females in the home than males and therefore are spoiled even Rotten. So when they move out and get married they(the husband) trys to bring all his favorite things with him esp. Family. Put your foot down grab your bat of faith and tell them all the bible SAYS...MATT24 ?,.. AND FOR THAT REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND BECOME ONE FLESH WITH HIS WIFE! NOW IF HE DOESN'T...THEN SEND HIS A**BACK HOME!
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