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Marleen

Ireland

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#1
Feb 7, 2011
 

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i am so sick of my life. ive been treated for depression for over 3 years now.but no amount f medication or trying to do stuff that i should "enjoy" aren't helping at all. i have a husband and three kids and i know i should be happy,but i'm not and i just want to die and get this misserable life over and done with. i know exactly how i would do it too. i have been hoarding my zolpidem sleeping tablets for months now (i have about 120 of them hidden) and at this stage i just want to take the lot and go for a swim in the lake down in the woods till if fall asleep and drown.
the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that whenever i leave the house i have to bring my youngest child who is only 30 months old. i couldn't do it with him there. who would ensure that he is safe and not fall in the water with nobody to help him?
i think i may sneak out tonight when everybody is asleep. but i am starting to think that maybe it is more than simple depression. what if i am simply being treated for the wrong mental illness? but i feel too silly to say this to my psychiatrist, because i'm only a stupid patient.
i've taken 2mg of xanax to keep me kind of sane today. i really don't want to live anymore, but at the same time i do because i keep hoping that tomorrow will be better. i need some helpful and kind words.
Chris from Atlanta

Atlanta, GA

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#2
Feb 7, 2011
 

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Hey Marleen,
I'm a 28 year old man who has suffered off and on with a deep depression for about 4 years. Mine started when I lost a long term relationship of a lady that I loved dearly and then my obsession with that cost me other opportunities in life only further spiraling my despair to a point where I have in the past planed many times to end life.
Something kept me in my darkest moments from acting out on my highly painful and confused states. And I'm glad I have. It has taken me a long time to realize what the real cause of my depression has been, but now I know. My depression has been caused by a few reasons. One, because I was wounded over the course of multiple years as a child emotionally and left me growing up into adulthood as an insecure man with low self esteem. This has kept me from being honest with myself, others, or God. I've been afraid of intimacy. Secondly, I haven't been living, for some time now as lifestyle that is consistent with my values. I hold in my belief system "Christian values," but I've been living a life of sin and hiding which causes great guilt and shame.(This also hinders my ability to have meaningful relationships. And lastly, I've let my mind because habituated with negativity. After so much time of obsessing on regrets or failures, I've programed my mind to only think negative about past, present or future situations. I got to a point where I was thinking... all the time. I'm sure you know what I mean, when you only live in your head.
So at this point I've been changing my lifestyle and my thought processes to line up with what I really believe. It is hard, but change is happening. In the past I used to have tons upon tons of friends, but not necessarily a lot of deep relationships. That is changing, too. And I'm growing in my relationship with God through prayer and meditation.
I read somewhere recently that the most common question that men ask themselves is, "Why is life so hard?" But I don't think it should be limited to men. I bet a lot women think this, too. And life is hard, but I honestly don't believe that it has to be lonely and joyless all of the time. If you can find a way to evaluate your life in a slow manner. I believe that over a little bit of time you will probably be able to expose the reasons that you are depressed.
We as people aren't born into the world depressed. I'm sure you can remember a few childhood, teen or even adult memories that weren't depressing. Depression is something that comes upon us when we start living unhealthy lifestyles. Dietary, Relationships, Lack of Exercise, Guilt/Sin, Beliefs in our Worth, Security, Meaning... Deficiency in those arenas, regret, and lack of hope to change are what lead us to the point where we would want to kill ourselves.
But this is your life. You can change. But it does take courage, hope, commitment, and often times help from others, God, and even being willing to expose your pains and burdens with those around you who care about you. You don't have to die, but you don't have to live this way forever either.
It sounds like you probably have three beautiful children who want your love and a husband who does also. And you can give it to them. At the same time, you don't have to feel guilty in areas where you feel like you haven't been able to give them what they need. You are probably a really forgiving person. I bet they are, too.
I don't know what your belief system is. At this point you know that I'm a Christian. Honestly, since I'm a single man, I do have to rely a lot on my real relationship with Christ. He does meet my needs.
I am certainly not trying to offend you if we don't share the same beliefs, but on the chance that we do here are a couple amazing sermons that I think you might benefit from:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp...
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp...
Wishing you love and peace.
Praying for you,
Chris.
Ruth

Dungannon, Canada

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#3
Feb 7, 2011
 
Oh, Marleen, so sorry you are suffering through this. Is there any chance you have post-partum depression? I know someone who suffered 10 years with it before getting the right help. Too bad I don't know what that was, but suffice to say that you need the right diagnosis; and you aren't a stupid patient--you are the one experiencing the feelings. Your meds obviously aren't doing it for you, but be careful what they put you on. Read blogs on anything you might be offered. Have you tried a full-spectrum light, the kind they use for seasonal affective disorder? Proper nutrition; i.e., Vit D3 might help you.
someone

Jordan

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#4
Feb 13, 2011
 
i want to die, but i'm too cowered to kill myself.
i've through alot, but that is not it..
i have had it with life
nothing seems important anymore
nothing seems special
not even me
i don't know how to feel anything anymore
it's like i got addicted to feeling pain, that i must have some extra dosage each time in order to make it get to me
i don't hate anything anymore, not even myself, or life, simply because i don't care enough to hate anything
as far as i'm concerned,
i just wanna get over with all of this
Chris from Atlanta

Lilburn, GA

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#5
Feb 13, 2011
 
To Someone:

I'm so sorry to hear about your deep pain and suffering with life. I still hold to my previous post in which I wrote that I do not believe that depression is some random disease that we just catch, nor do i believe it is genetic in our DNA. But rather it is something that we grow into by having a one or more unhealthy areas of our life (see previous post). And with that, I do believe that when Christ stated in The Gospel according to John 10:10 "I have came to give life and life more abundantly," that he was serious. And we can live with the fullness of joy in the life and the one to come.

what have you been through?
what used to be important to you?
if someone was describing you before you were depressed what would they say was special about you?

Peace be with you,

Chris.
Melissa

United States

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#6
Feb 17, 2011
 
I don't know why we can't be happy with whataever life brings! Live and learn. I've been depressed for 4 years now, since I've moved to the US. It got worse when I lost a close family member, and even worse after I got married. My husband and I have had some problems and sometimes, like today, he hurts me so bad that I keep thinking what do I have left, if my husband rather drink and go watch games with his Bff and can't be able to support me through this depression with part is his fault, then what to live for. I am a failure. I just wanted this pain to go away.
Justin
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#7
Feb 18, 2011
 
Melissa, sounds like your husband is a toxic piece of shit... Nothing will make you feel more depressed than family that is unsupportive, selfish, and never there! Take an honest look at your marriage, and if you can't see the likelihood that things will get better soon, GET IN A BETTER SITUATION!!!!! Nothing has more of an effect on our spiritual, emotional, and mental health than the people we care about.... Ask yourself this: If I didn't care about this man, would what he thinks or does or does not do, bother me?

We can always choose our environment and the people who we share our lives with.. Control the things that you have control of and the rest will follow.
depresed

Vilnius, Lithuania

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#8
Feb 19, 2011
 
I feel terrible, my head... it's totaly mesed up, i no longer can control myself... tonight i either kill myself or kill someone else or both.....
Harajukukitty

Dallas, TX

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#9
Feb 19, 2011
 
@depresed r u being serious?if u are plz dont do it.thats nt the right way to solve ur problems.whats wrong?
Chris from Atlanta

Atlanta, GA

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#10
Feb 19, 2011
 
I'm so sorry hear about others pain. It grieves my heart to see the real pain that the human condition causes throughout the world. There is a real problems with humans. We are selfish. And my actions do have consequences on those around me and on others around the world because of consumerism and commercialism.

But perhaps, in the moments when we can forget about ourselves, when we can help those around us, or pray for those around the world we can do good. Though God's grace and mercy we can change ourselves by helping to change others.

I recently realized that a lot of my depression, fears, and feelings of loss of control and confusion came from a victim mentality that I'd been carrying. It developed a few years back and it brought with it self-pity and low self worth.

I have chosen to not pity myself anymore and to take responsibility for my own actions. It has been hard, but I want to be in control of my life - not my emotions, not other people. Slowly I have made progress.

I will be praying for you depressed. May the Lord change you and change me, too.

With genuine love,

Chris.
depresed

Vilnius, Lithuania

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#11
Feb 19, 2011
 

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I never felt so good before.... all that blood i cleaned my mind. Now i realize the only way i can save my life is by taking someone elses live... it feels good.
Harajukukitty

Dallas, TX

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#12
Feb 19, 2011
 
@depresed so ur saying that u murdered someone?
depresed

Vilnius, Lithuania

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#13
Feb 21, 2011
 

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yes, the blood settles my mind... it is the best treatment for sadnes, and no sideefects
depresed

Vilnius, Lithuania

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#14
Feb 21, 2011
 

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yhr litlle ones scream so cute
Chris from Atlanta

Smyrna, GA

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#15
Feb 21, 2011
 
@ depressed. I hope that you are kidding. And if so, this is a poor place to joke like that.
rob

Lansdale, PA

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#16
Feb 28, 2011
 
I want to die i seriously think about it all of the time..i am a 24yr old erion addict who has no family because of my drug use..right now i have a gf who is pregnat with my first child and i couldnt be happier but somethimes wen im alone in my head i think im going to give nothing to this child i am a worhtess peice of shit and shouldnt be on this planet anymore and when i go maybe my gf will have a better life with our child without me bexcause right now im so fucking stuck on this shit and killing myslef im no good to her...i think i seriously might just wait and hang myslef
eli

United States

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#17
Mar 1, 2011
 
I feel all your pains. I've been having trouble at work with two girls who do not like me and I lose sleep over it. And I can't talk to my mom about it because she's not approachable. And since she thinks nothing is wrong with me (which is dumb since I sleep all day and have insomnia) she'll argue about anything that goes wrong at home. So I don't have peace at home or at work or in my love life (I just ended a 3 year relationship and my ex won't accept reality.) The only peaceful haven I have is church. I've been entertaining suicidal thoughts since october and its march now. Satan is really throwing his arrows at me and I'm in need of prayer to overcome. I know God has His will in my life and I want to do whatever to make Him happy and to work for His Kingdom. He's revealed a scripture that I needed to read this morning on my phone and it reminded me that He pays close attention to me and that He IS my hope and Savior. He knows me better than I know myself. I'm inlove with Jesus and I don't want to hurt His feelings by undermining what He did at the cross for me I want to fall inlove with life because He breathed life into me. Writing this has been actually therapuetic and reminds me how much I love Jesus. He's the love of my life and I feel so much better after divulging all of this. THANK YOU JESUS - Alabado sea tu Nombre Gloria Dios Hallelujah!
eli

United States

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#18
Mar 1, 2011
 
@Rob don't kill yourself. Suicide will not get you into heaven. There is a lot more to life than pain. There is also the fruit of the Spirit. Seek out an Apostolic Pentecostal church first and seek Gods face. Just talk with Him and ask the Pastor for advice and prayer. Give it several shots. Then explain what you felt.

Once I felt someone choking me but I didn't see anything or anyone around me. I couldn't speak so in my thoughts I screamed Jesus! Jesus! And immediately I felt something release my neck.

The Name of Jesus is powerful. Whenever suicidal thoughts creep in your mind and whenever you crave heroin speak the NAME OF JESUS. Watch what you feel next. Jesus save me!
Jay

Scarborough, Canada

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#19
Mar 3, 2011
 

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Hi Marleen, just an idea, did you always want to do the deed, say since you were a little girl or did it start after you started having kids?(Postpartum Affective Disorders). Did you feel this way before or after your teenage years? You are wright to think that not just depression causes suicidal thought's . Should get second and third opinion on that one. Perhaps your medications are causing this feeling, again think back when it all started. I have heard people become suicidal after they started taking the meds, your shrink should be told. Also change the shrink if they don't listen to you. Remember, the way things are now there is no test other than self reporting for almost all mental illness's. It's not like a medical doctor's physical exam. There are no proven methods for reading what's plaguing you through electrical devices. Or MRI scans detecting psychological problems. It all rests on self opinion and self reporting. Personally I feel there's nothing wrong with suicide but the situation has to warrant it. Say if you're Jewish in a Concentration camp during WWII. Maybe. Or a terminal illness that prevents you from moving around 100 years ago. Frankly I feel the longer one lives, the better the chances for neuroscience to come up with a proper solution to the these kinds of nasty problems. Personally I take nicorettes candy to help ward off sadness and I vigorously exercise. I also have reduced my expectations of ever having a family or kids. You are lucky enough to have taken care of that one. Also I'm an atheist so I feel life has an evolutionary meaning. Life really isn't that difficult( meaning ) or complex. I believe we were meant to be hunter gatherers and that modern life has thrown us off. So the simpler we can make our life's the better we might feel. But I'm going off on tangent. Live for ice-cream, puffy clouds, warm baths, walks and or swims in the country, hobbies,massage etc.... Good Luck
Sola Dei Gloria

United States

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#20
Mar 3, 2011
 
eli wrote:
@Rob don't kill yourself. Suicide will not get you into heaven. There is a lot more to life than pain. There is also the fruit of the Spirit. Seek out an Apostolic Pentecostal church first and seek Gods face. Just talk with Him and ask the Pastor for advice and prayer. Give it several shots. Then explain what you felt.
Once I felt someone choking me but I didn't see anything or anyone around me. I couldn't speak so in my thoughts I screamed Jesus! Jesus! And immediately I felt something release my neck.
The Name of Jesus is powerful. Whenever suicidal thoughts creep in your mind and whenever you crave heroin speak the NAME OF JESUS. Watch what you feel next. Jesus save me!
I'll go with Jesus too, Eli......been there done that with the fluffy emptiness. Jesus is real and His help, healing and deliverance from depression and suicide is real. Keep up the good witness. You're an answer to prayer believe it or not.

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