Non-Contributing Member To Society

Non-Contributing Member To Society

Posted in the Depression Forum

Since: May 12

United States

#1 May 28, 2012
So ever since I was 15 I've been struggling with depression and suicide. I'm 22 now.
There has been short periods where it has gotten better, but for the most part I've been inside this dark hole.
I really have support apparatus in place.
My family:
Most of family is dead. Its been only me and my mom since I was about 4.
She's my mom. But I do hate her.
When I was about 5 she and her friend went grocery shopping. Her friend didn't have enough room in the car and allowed her 12 year old son to watch me. He almost raped me. I got away and made it outside just when they where pulling up. My mom, being the most attentive parent, never did a damn thing.
She had an abusive boyfriend. But even after she left him, the abuse from her started.
First is was emotional.
When I was 10 I would go to the creek, come home muddy and get mud all over the back porch. She would say that I was "acting out" and threatened to send me to an orphanage. Everytime there was an argument I was going to be sent to the orphanage. When I got older it turned into juvenile hall.
In my teens she would drink heavily throw things at me call me useless and say things like "I could do better without you". I never was a bad kid. I didn't smoke, steal, drink, or do drugs. I was more of a nerd.
When I turned 18 I got my first full time job at a call center she figured it would be best she was to try and apply for disability. I lost my job 6 months later. I was laid off. Once again I was called useless, an embarrassment, stupid, a dumb fuck, and she wished I was never born.
I still live with her. Unfortunately.
I work a shitty minimum wage job. I pay all the bills and half the rent, not to mention groceries.
We applied for housing together and received it.
But she'll tell me "well I can tell them to take you off so that only I can have it".
I hate her I truly do but this does bring me to my first point.
If she has housing paying for all of her rent, than she really doesn't need me.
Second point:
I work a mediocre job and can be easily replaced.
I've tried for years to try and find a better job. I just can't. Its difficult. A lot of the jobs in the area require a certification or their medical. Not to mention that I don't have any form of transportation. I am saving up for a car though.
I have my friends, but I really treat them like acquaintances. I don't trust anyone. They tell me things, I listen, I give advice when needed and provide ample support but it stops their. I never tell them what's going on with me. They only wanna talk when its about them.
I just don't know anymore.
#3 Sep 24, 2013
I have ordered 2 times from this website PILLSMEDSHOP. COM . I called yesterday the customer care and asked for a discount as i was about to order twice the regular amount.

Camarillo, CA

#5 Nov 19, 2013

Sorry to hear of what you're going through! Wow!

I know I considered ending my life back in high school. I didn't fit in at all - was socially awkward and was made fun of quite a bit.

It was insane the things people were doing to me.

I ended up pulling through - thanks to God. Seriously, He's real. You can have a relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ. He's the only true friend you'll ever have. What I mean is people may be your friend, but if you do something they don't like, they might turn on you. But not Jesus. He's so loving. Always there for you.

To make a long story short, it's now 19 years later and I'm SO GLAD I didn't end my life.

In case you don't know much about Jesus, I encourage you to read the book of "John" in the Bible. I particularly like the King James Version, even though it's old English. You'll get used to it pretty quick.

Just ask God to show you who His Son is. He will. He says "If you seek, you will find."

Seriously, you'll have a new bounce to your step.

About the job situation. I encourage you to talk to some people at a church and ask if someone can take you under their wing and teach you things that will help you get a job that you feel fulfilled at. Seriously, it's discouraging being a job that anyone could do. You feel like your talents are going to waste. I'm sure someone will be willing to mentor you - even if you don't have a car - and as you're diligent in putting into practice what you're learning, doors will just open up. God will do that for you!

I hope you are well!


#6 Jan 30, 2014
I've been on Effexor from only one week but am cautiously very optimistic. Prior to this I was on citalopram but still feeling very low and sleeping poorly, feeling like I needed to be in bed 12-16 hours a day. Now I am waking naturally after only 8 hours sleep and finding it much easier to concentrate at work. I can hardly believe it is working so quickly but I feel so much better. I've had no side effects.

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