My bipolar girlfriend put me through ...

My bipolar girlfriend put me through this..

Posted in the Bipolar Disorder Forum

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Nick

Melbourne, Australia

#1 Feb 28, 2012
I'm new here but I'm sure you will all understand my story...in a nutshell my 3 years on the bipolar rollercoaster:

I met a great girl at work- month into out rel/ship she tells me she has bipolar depression but she's on meds for it. I start seeing paranoid behaviour, she has 'episodes' in front of me - crying on the couch for no reason, shaking, shuddering. She admits she tried to kill herself a couple of years ago - cutting wrists and taking pills. Then out of the blue - she breaks up with me.

A month later she returns to me and I get her to see a new doctor, get her on better meds and get her to start seeing a better pdoc more frequently. She's still shocking with money, drinks, smokes, spends all nights out - her house is a living pigsty. Can't really look after her pets.

Then she breaks up with me again and starts having sex with another guy from my work straight away. I am distraught and end up in counselling myself and on anti depression tablets.

And...3 months later she returns to me again. She starts to see a another pdoc - but this time - multiple personalities emerge (she always suspected there was 'someone else' in her) I witness this myself and find myself talking to one of her 'alternates'. She goes into a major downward spiral over the next few months - threatening to kill herself again, won't leave her house, shuddering, shaking, continual crying.

And I'm just trying to 'be there' and 'cope' myself with all this...

Then - she cuts me off. Won't take any of my calls. Nothing. Silence. I stop trying to contact her - 3 months later I hear she's got a 'new boyfriend'- in fact it's another work colleague who I never got on with - which she fully knows. I am SHOCKED she's with him. Then I find out - they've actually moved in together - after 3 months of dating!

So after all I've been through with her and all the help I've given her - she ends it by doing this? Would she understand my hurt at all? Would she ever stop and pause and think how this may affect ME for once?

Don't get me wrong - I DO NOT want her back. It's just her going out with THIS guy and moving in together has left me reeling and hurting.

Thanks for reading. Any advice most welcome. Nick
Nutz To You

Warsaw, IN

#2 Feb 28, 2012
Much as one can try, it is impossible to make sense out of nonsense. You are not responsible for her illness, her medical care or her personal decisions. Bipolars are famous for living for the moment only - even if that is literally seconds. They can't think like others because their brain chemistry is so skewed.
Don't doubt you were good to her. If she were someone who could have benefited from all that you had to offer, she would have. Instead she chose to make a series of decisions that are not based on common sense or clarity of thought.
She is not necessarily a bad person; she is a person with a mental illness, and this is an illness that has many victims. You have been a victim long enough. You have cared for some and tried to do the right thing. As hard as it is now, you have had to deal with one of more difficult lessons in life. There are people who truly do think only of the themselves, and she is one of them.
She thinks of herself in the moment and what works for her in the moment. Bipolars are definately survivors because they drain others of time, money, emotion, and health. Loving them is not enough to make them better.
The person who is best for you is out there, and she will be kind, intelligent, compassionate, and consider you in all she does. Be patient.
Don't contact your ex. Don't follow her on Facebook. Ignore the talk at work. Live a life full of kindness, intelligence, compassion for yourself. The best really is to be
Thomas

Boston, MA

#3 Mar 1, 2012
Nick,
First of all, listen to the advice of Nutz To You. Secondly, Many of us were replaced very quickly even after we gave them everything we could and treated them like gold. It's not you. Do not take it personally. Move on and work on your self esteem and you will not attract another relationship like that. I was replaced as quickly as you were. My ex-girlfriend got married 4 months after our break-up and we were talking about marriage when we were together. So it happens more than you think. You are far from alone. You are better off without all the drama. Find someone who will be more loyal and faithful to you. Why ruin your life over someone who doesn't appreciate you? I have met many wonderful people and gone had some great experiences since I started looking ahead and thought less about the hurts of the past. I know it's hard, but, some day you will be glad you didn't end up with such a lost and confused person who could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. You were saved. You just don't know it yet. The best is yet to come.
A Train Wreck

Providence, RI

#4 Jul 27, 2012
I have been with my partner for 7 years and we were engaged. When I first met her, we dated for a while and then her mother died. This sent her into a series of episodes and she was hospitalized on and off during this time. I pulled myself together, had another girlfriend at the time and she came back. Stupid me - let her in my life again. She moved in with me in 2006 and we're living upstairs from my father. That in itself is an entirely another subject - my father is passive aggressive and started many fights with us. Last year, we couldn't take it anymore and decided to buy a house together. We bought an "as is" house that needed much work. I work very hard and can be very demanding. Her only job was to clean the house and take care of the cats. The house was always a mess. On weekends , instead of finishing up construction projects around the house - she would take off to family parties and dinners. Working full-time and fixing up the house became a burden to me and I had developed a grouchy attitude. Too much for one person. I also racked up $8,000 on my credit cards because the house need all new appliances. 3 weeks ago, she inherited a fairly large sum of money from her father's death. We were argueing about the bills and debt and she left. 2 weeks later she moved all her stuff out and now wants to sign her name off the deed. The mortgage is my name. I do believe it's over but cannot believe I let myself be fooled into putting so much on the line. I would have never bought this house on my own and would have never incurred so much debt. I am shocked and angry over this. Any advice on dealing with this situation would help.
Nutz To You

Decatur, IN

#5 Jul 27, 2012
A Train Wreck wrote:
I have been with my partner for 7 years and we were engaged. When I first met her, we dated for a while and then her mother died. This sent her into a series of episodes and she was hospitalized on and off during this time. I pulled myself together, had another girlfriend at the time and she came back. Stupid me - let her in my life again. She moved in with me in 2006 and we're living upstairs from my father. That in itself is an entirely another subject - my father is passive aggressive and started many fights with us. Last year, we couldn't take it anymore and decided to buy a house together. We bought an "as is" house that needed much work. I work very hard and can be very demanding. Her only job was to clean the house and take care of the cats. The house was always a mess. On weekends , instead of finishing up construction projects around the house - she would take off to family parties and dinners. Working full-time and fixing up the house became a burden to me and I had developed a grouchy attitude. Too much for one person. I also racked up $8,000 on my credit cards because the house need all new appliances. 3 weeks ago, she inherited a fairly large sum of money from her father's death. We were argueing about the bills and debt and she left. 2 weeks later she moved all her stuff out and now wants to sign her name off the deed. The mortgage is my name. I do believe it's over but cannot believe I let myself be fooled into putting so much on the line. I would have never bought this house on my own and would have never incurred so much debt. I am shocked and angry over this. Any advice on dealing with this situation would help.
Everything you do from this moment on is a step toward happiness. It is there waiting for you. You will move by leaps and bounds, baby steps, and have to handle some bumps in the road. Do what you can to get your finances settled. I am so sorry you have had go through this. I know it is financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining. Don't contact her EVER or respond to any contact from her Ever. If you must, bite the bullet and hire an attorney. It is well worth the money to deal with someone who is so nutz. It is over, but that is good news because it means you can start again. You will be happy; you will find a good person to love and care for as you do. It is sad that her illness must leave so much damage in its wake. You can't fix her. It is not possible. What you can do is lead a happy and productive, loving life with someone who can be a REAL partner in life.
wes

United States

#6 Dec 31, 2012
Looking for advice. So after dating for a month, she tells me she's diagnosed as bipolar. Now its been 3 months we've been together. I haven't seen things as bad as most people posting. I will say she can't hold a job and has problems being a parent to her two kids with her condition. I have custody of my kids and I work so much.
These stories are pretty frightening. I look for successful relationships with someone who is bp, and about the best i find is "to hell and back". Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a bp other? Pls no string theory answers. Do you personally know of one? Ty in advance
karen

Bangor, ME

#7 Jan 1, 2013
The couples that I hear about with one having bipolar, and are still together are struggling. I hear of the 5-10% that are successful, but haven't ever heard from them so where are they? Also, I think that the 5-10% that are still together are dealing with the illness through therapy, etc., and I wonder if they have a daily struggle or what. I'm not an expert on this, just my experience of dealing with this and reading about others' experiences.
Nutz

South Africa

#8 Jan 1, 2013
I am bipolar, do the therapy and medication and close monitoring of any "triggers", change in seasons etc. But, it is a constant struggle and exhausting sometimes. And yes, the demon still comes out, not cheating or drugs but more a self destruct about once a year. But I made my marriage work, held down a job for 8 yrs now, never "job hopped" and I am a fantastic mom. My marriage ended as he cheated twice and there was no love. So, in a nutshell, probably could work but the bp will always be there. And despite trying everything, it still comes out sometimes.
Nutz

South Africa

#9 Jan 1, 2013
Quick one, bp people are highly manipulative and use the disorder to explain or justify being unemployed etc.

Make sure she is with you for the right reasons and not because she found a sucker to support her lazy ass and play on your feelings by using her kids so you stay with her. Because if that's the case, when you lose your usefulness you will be replaced quickly.
Isabella

UK

#10 Jan 1, 2013
wes wrote:
Looking for advice. So after dating for a month, she tells me she's diagnosed as bipolar. Now its been 3 months we've been together. I haven't seen things as bad as most people posting. I will say she can't hold a job and has problems being a parent to her two kids with her condition. I have custody of my kids and I work so much.
These stories are pretty frightening. I look for successful relationships with someone who is bp, and about the best i find is "to hell and back". Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a bp other? Pls no string theory answers. Do you personally know of one? Ty in advance
when my now ex finally got help and a diagnosis of bp, I trawled web forums to try to find the all elusive happy half-bp marriage... I never did. Not once. I personally know one other couple where the wife has bp and just in the last few weeks they have announced they are seperating after 25 years.(He broke down, says he cannot do it anymore;he needs a chance at life and happiness). If you find what you're looking for, please do post on here and all the other forums because everyone is wondering the same thing.
Isabella

UK

#11 Jan 1, 2013
And I know you didn't ask for my advice but I'm going to give it to you anyway; 3 months in? Leave now. You're not responsible for her or her children, you're not financially tied and you can break the emotional investment easier now. You can't change her, nurture her with love and attention; what you see is what you get. Nutz has just said what work it takes to stay on track, karen has given you an insight... You're right, the storys on here are so sad and shocking; please take heed, keep your mind clear, take a step back - if she is 'the one' for you then what's the rush? Give yourself a break, some space, time to think. I hope you won't be on here 5 years down the line with your own story.
Sam

United States

#12 Jan 13, 2013
Man, yall make me cry... For 6yrs I've been dealing with this and have a 3yr old with her.. Not counting her other 2 kids. All I want is for this to work. But I've moved out again. I basically move out 2 times a yr. I was the stupid one because I told her to come off the pills because the last dose she had made her lazy and sleepy. For 7 months she was fine, then I started my own business and it was slow at first. Things got better but xmas she thought I wasn't gonna come through. I got all the kids gifts and more. Then her cousin died in her sleep Jan 1, not to add she got put on Probation at work. Know she makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. She's drinking and wanna go out and she cheated before. I'm all messed up i feel. Please give me some advice.
Nutz

South Africa

#13 Jan 13, 2013
Hey! Well, to be blunt, you sound all messed up, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Yeah, it was silly telling her to come off her meds but at the end of the day its still her responsibility to know the consequences of doing that and she should have just made an appointment with her shrink to change her meds. Obviously her cuz dying in her sleep triggered off an episode. It can be something small too that triggers it. So either way, its a rollercoaster as you can't keep her wrapped up in cottonwool forever. She has a little 3 year old and the fact that she can do this to an innocent child where a mommy is so important, well its shocking. You don't need this, you are like a gypsy moving in and out and what does it do to the kids? Read these stories of people who have finally left, they are bitter and not the people they once were. Its sad and my heart breaks for them. But its not just one or two, there are thousands of posts on this site. I am an exception (I hope) as a bipolar person who is aware and keeps things on track. Although I STILL have episodes - but never cheated or lost my job. That's just an excuse. She will beg you to stay or coming running back, don't accept this. Move on and make a happy, stable home for the kiddies.
Isabella

UK

#14 Jan 14, 2013
Sam wrote:
Man, yall make me cry... For 6yrs I've been dealing with this and have a 3yr old with her.. Not counting her other 2 kids. All I want is for this to work. But I've moved out again. I basically move out 2 times a yr. I was the stupid one because I told her to come off the pills because the last dose she had made her lazy and sleepy. For 7 months she was fine, then I started my own business and it was slow at first. Things got better but xmas she thought I wasn't gonna come through. I got all the kids gifts and more. Then her cousin died in her sleep Jan 1, not to add she got put on Probation at work. Know she makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. She's drinking and wanna go out and she cheated before. I'm all messed up i feel. Please give me some advice.
sam,do the right thing here and make her an appointment to get back into therapy and the right medication if she wants, tell her you can see it coming, you're worried, and you cannot keep yoyo-ing in and out of your children's lives.make it totally clear that cheating is unacceptable, but make some time for you as a couple so there is no excuse. Make sure you give it 100% Once this is done,you have truly done all you can and the rest is up to her. If it fails, you know what to do and we are all here to support you;it isn't your fault,you're a human too. Keep strong; stick to your plan.
Sam

Dallas, GA

#15 Jan 14, 2013
Isabella..The whole day today I've been trying to talk her in to talking to somebody.. One minute she says yes then she'll say no. I told her to look at her emails and texts and make sense of what she is saying. She then admits that she thinks I'm trying to get her admitted.. I told her I'll never do that but this needs help. She still sticking with only Jesus can help her.
Nutz

South Africa

#16 Jan 14, 2013
I see. Well I guess if Jesus is happy with her behaviour, then who are we to question it?

The only use I have for a bible is to beat someone when I have a bad mood swing. Then Jesus helps out too.
Nutz to You

Mokena, IL

#17 Jan 15, 2013
Nutz wrote:
I see. Well I guess if Jesus is happy with her behaviour, then who are we to question it?
The only use I have for a bible is to beat someone when I have a bad mood swing. Then Jesus helps out too.
You is too too funny.
It is sad some people go to heaven for the climate, but others to hell for the company:)
Isabella

UK

#18 Jan 15, 2013
Sam wrote:
Isabella..The whole day today I've been trying to talk her in to talking to somebody.. One minute she says yes then she'll say no. I told her to look at her emails and texts and make sense of what she is saying. She then admits that she thinks I'm trying to get her admitted.. I told her I'll never do that but this needs help. She still sticking with only Jesus can help her.
oh,of course,.. I suppose you've already suggested that you go to church together and then a therapist together too?.. Sam, this might sound harsh but its true; by being kind and gentle and accepting of her behaviour, you are enabling the illness and as it appears acceptable to you, the behaviour will worsen. I don't want to frighten you,but my ex had a similar period of time, with me begging him to please pay attention to his family and him becoming more distant..just before a full blown mania with unbelievable hypersexuality, horrible lies, no empathy/feelings for others (including our children)at all etc. The thing is, you cannot "talk" with her right now; she can't see what's happening; just make the appointment for her and see what happens on the day -and with regards jesus,(same thing with my ex who had been an atheist previously), find a few excerpts to read from the bible about love and truth and commitment, whatever your own views. That's short term advice...I hope you have a group of stable, good friends and family around you? You need as much support as you can get. And you need someon to give you a break so you can go for a run/swim/walk by yourself; time to step back and think clearly. If she can't commit to one therapist appointment for you and your family; is there anything at all left for you? Do you still want to be with someone who can't commit to the smallest of things? I know its horrible, but you need to face the truth for yourself and your children; they need you most right now.
Nutz to You

Mokena, IL

#19 Jan 15, 2013
Sam wrote:
Isabella..The whole day today I've been trying to talk her in to talking to somebody.. One minute she says yes then she'll say no. I told her to look at her emails and texts and make sense of what she is saying. She then admits that she thinks I'm trying to get her admitted.. I told her I'll never do that but this needs help. She still sticking with only Jesus can help her.
It is time to move on toward a life of positive and productive happiness. You cannot fix her, nor can you make sense out of the nonsense. It is not a failure on your part to say enough. You cannot put a person who is so ill in charge of your life -that is nutz.
Take steps to get out and get away. All love is conditional - it must be! Your conditions for love cannot possibly include verbal, mental, physical, emotional, etc. abuse It cannot possibly include financial ruin. Don't try to be a hero you cannot. This can be quite the cruel and devastating illness, but you and your family don't have to suffer from it by association.
Reread what Nutz has written. She is the only person I have known on this site who speaks from the point of view of the bipolar person. Her words are so strong and offer truthful compassionate advice.
Nutz

South Africa

#20 Jan 15, 2013
Aw thanks Nutz to You. Both you and Isabella have helped me gain a bit of perspective too. I had no idea what I could be capable of...well I admit, I never thought about it while I was having an episode. But I come here now as part of my damage control program :-)

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