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Cristina

United States

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#1
Feb 20, 2007
 
I have been with my husband for six years and married for 4 and in the last two he has cheated and gotten another woman pregnant. He has left me and his two children to be with this other woman and came back several times and I have let him because I love him and I am trying to do what is right for our children.I am almost positive he suffers from bipolar disorder but although he says he is trying to get help I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont know what to do. I know that the real man I married loves me and his kids but he is rarely that man these days. I am so confused and hurt and upset. Can anyone give me some advice or suggestions on this matter
Heidi

Phoenix, AZ

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#2
Apr 14, 2007
 
Oh my goodness. You might as well be talking about my life, but I have been with my husband for 15 years. He has done everything that your husband has done except get (or say he was) help. He terrified me the other night, again, so I got an order of protection. Now he is being nice one minute and says I am his enemy the next. I feel like I do not know where to go with all this.
mark

United States

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#3
Apr 20, 2007
 

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Ladies

I am a diagnosed BP who has been married for 20 years and now being divorced. I'll sppare you the horrible details because basically the stories are the same.

Your husbands must seek treatment. Period. End of Story. You must protect yourself and your kids at all cost. Make sure you take the time to focus on yourself and heal. Remember your self esteem is "toast" from BP individual.

It's a long hard road to recovery. Relapse is imminent. Take every day , one day at a time.
Louise

Milwaukee, WI

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#4
May 20, 2007
 
Ladies,

I am another one like you. I have been going through the same as you in the last 4-5 years and getting worse today. We have been married for over 15 years and have two children. I think maybe we need take Mark's advice. I really like it.
Bev

London, UK

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#5
May 21, 2007
 
These stories also echo mine. I have been with my husband for 5 and half years and it's been a nightmare. I think that Divorce is imminent for us too. We are now living apart and he wants a divorce. Interesting bit is that he's expecting me to do the filing, just as I do everything else.

My husband will not accept that he has a problem and won't take his meds, he says it's all marital. I am now looking after number 1 - ME! Luckily we don't have any children. Good luck to all of you but I agree we can only take one day at a time.
Josi

United States

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#6
May 28, 2007
 
Married 18 years w/ 3 children. The oldest is 15 and very much BP like her father. They hate each other! He just moved out to avoid the possibility of jail or worse.. My question is they BOTH talk about suicide and sometimes I think it's a manipulation, and other times I worry they may reallt hurt themselves. I am just learning about this disease and almost to the point of a breakdown myself. I have to keep going for my other to kids but I am afraid of what's to come. They both refuse help and I they constantly accuse me of loving the other more and not caring enough. Help!!!!!!
Louise

Milwaukee, WI

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#7
May 30, 2007
 
Josi, do you know any good Psychologist, either through recommandation or web search? I think they may can give you some help. I also found some websites that give your tips on how to deal with love ones with BP. One important thing is not to take what they said personal. The other thing is try not to argue with them. Hope this will help a little.
Siuoxsie

Lake Helen, FL

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#8
Jun 2, 2007
 

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I am a woman who has been diagnosed with BP for 7 years. Prior to diagnosis, I behaved much the way your husband(s) have acted. BP is a complex disease and one of the symptoms is self destructive behavior. This includes the cheating and leaving and all of that. You may need to be separated for awhile, but if he is getting help you will see a change in him eventually. Also, this manic stage (if he has BP that's what this is) will change into a depressive one eventually and the behavior will stop. The disease is a very hard one to deal with, but so is cancer and you wouldn't leave him if he had that would you?
Jon

Staten Island, NY

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#9
Jun 2, 2007
 

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Well, I really feel for all of the people who posted here. I am the spouse of a person with the disease. After many years of denial (on her part, my part, her familyís part) we confronted the issue and she went for help. She did not stay on the meds or go for follow up therapy, and ended up making my life and my childís life a living nightmare- on many levels. She knows she has the problem and refuses to get help, and in the meantime is extremely abusive to everybody. At what point do I leave and at least make things better for my child? I feel like I have failed my wife and fear for her future. How long is long enough to say look, you know you have this problem, and if you refuse to get the help you need, and you are seriously hurting me and your child, then maybe we need to leave you? I could list all the bad things she did over the last 10 years, but I guess it is not needed. I just wish I could get the person I married back. What makes it so bad is that she knows she needs help, and Iím sure if she did get help she would be much better. Iím so sorry to say I just canít take it anymore, and either can my child. We need to leave, and I am heartbroken.

Sorry for not being able to take it anymoreÖ
Bev

London, UK

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#10
Jun 3, 2007
 

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You shouldn't feel bab that you can't take it anymore. I don't think that any of us can...

I have a court order that stops my husband coming to our house but that hasn't stopped him from manipulating me. He has been texting lately to try and drop a court case that I have against him for beating me up in April. I still love him but know he isn't getting help, so can't trust him at all. He said that we wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't been so rash - all I have done is to try and get him help and keep myself safe, he on the other hand has allowed his illness to destroy our lives. I asked him what he meant by this and he said he didn't know where to start. I told him not to then as my list would be much longer. I just wish tha our partners could do some self-evaluation rather than pointing fingers at us, maybe then they could get better. Has anyone else experienced this blame culture? I too am getting sick of it. I'm lonely at the same time and want to move on but all the while my husband hates me and that's really hard to deal with. I hate his illness not him!
Jon

Staten Island, NY

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#11
Jun 3, 2007
 

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Thanks for your reply. Yes, same situation with me. Lots of blaming and manipulation. But here is the thing: if I canít force her to get help (if I could I would!!!) and she knows she has the problem, and she still refuses to get help, then in a way it is her choice, and sooner or later I need to make sure that I can provide my child with a safe and healthy environment. And for me too. My self esteem was as low as it could go based on years of abuse and manipulation as Mark states above. I finally said no way- Iím not the one with the problem you are. Based on the nature of the disorder the bad times come and go, but no matter what they keep coming back, and sooner or later she needs to accept that she needs to get treatment.

Stay strong, and good luck.

Since: Mar 07

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#12
Jun 3, 2007
 

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I have BP and I have a bit of a different outlook than Siuoxsie. I tend to side with all of you who have tried your best and now know you need to care for yourselves, especially when there is a child involved.

I've said it before in another thread, having BP isn't a person's fault but it is their burden unfortunately. With BP there always seems to come a time of repentance, of apologies, and promises to change. Remind yourself when this happens that this is your proof that your loved one is aware that they've hurt you and knows they need help.

This is the time when they need to make a commitment to themselves and their loved ones to get help and stay with it no matter what, because the mania will be back quite possibly before meds and treatment has begun to help.

If the person isn't ready to do that I don't see why others need to stay in the wake of the pain they cause, because it can be tremendous, and no child should have to be hurt by a parent even if its simply as a bystander. Perhaps realizing what they stand to lose will be the driving force they need to get help.

Definitely love them, but love yourselves as well.
Jon

Staten Island, NY

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#13
Jun 3, 2007
 
Hey Everybody,

It is my first time on one of these sites, and sorry to be posting so much today, but I have never been able to vent to others who know my situation.

So just to be very clear here. I donít think anybody who has suffered with a bi polar spouse is saying that all people with the disease are bad- we are NOT bashing people with this disability. I am sure many many people have the disease and live pretty normal lives and are very good partners. However, there are some that are very bad, and hurt us in unbelievable ways. Maybe itís not just bi polar- maybe they are mean or something else on top of it. Yes, life is about suffering for loved ones. Being a decent human being is about being there 100% for people, but still there is a point, when things get physically, mentally, and financially abusive to the spouse or child that you need to say stop the madness. Again out of respect for my mate I will not go into details, but you have no idea how f-uped it can be. If you are bi polar and getting help, bless you. For those of you who are not, then please get help for the betterment of you, and your family. Staying with my mate has put me in financial peril over the years, caused terrible psychological scarring to my child and me, and side tracked my career big time. I would be happy to be poor and has a lousy job if it would make my spouse better, but it has not. Now I am focused on my child, then me, then my spouse.

So somebody with another type of disease will at least try to help themselves right? Bi polar people who are trying to help themselves are not the same as people who refuse to get help and hurt their family right?
Ashley

Louisville, KY

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#14
Jun 18, 2007
 
I have a situation that is much unlike anyone posted here. I have BP and have for the last ten years. I have always taken my meds and sought treatment options and support groups. About a year ago my husband insisted we have a child even though I knew i would have to stop my meds I agreed and took the risk for him. I just wanted to better an already bad marriage. After the emergency c-section I was taken to the nearest psych hospital and was there for 10 days due to postpartum psycosis. My husband thinks he is a god for staying with me during that time in my life. I have wanted a divorce for a long time. My husband keeps insisting that not EVERYONE would put up with the BP. I am being treated therefor my symptoms are VERY few and far between. I have had so many doubts about getting a divorce, it's like my confidence and vigor for life has been sucked out of me. This marriage is causing me to be depressed. Someone please comment.
Louise

Milwaukee, WI

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#15
Jun 23, 2007
 
Ashley, it is very hard to comment on your message, because moet of the BP also have similar feeling as you "This marriage is causing me to be depressed". Do you have any access to see a doctor? Maybe heor she can help you and tell you more.
Janet

Renton, WA

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#16
Jun 26, 2007
 

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I got married about a year ago and since then my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, the Ritalin and Adderal sent him into a manic state and he has since been hospitalized and diagnosed with BP. The last year of my life has been absolute hell but I am not willing to give up. He is saying that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He is getting treatment and he is taking his meds (although there have been so many different meds in the last year its unbelievable) but he still doesn't seem like the man I married. We have only been married for a year and we have no children. What should I do?

Since: Mar 07

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#17
Jun 26, 2007
 

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Hey Janet, I'm glad you still want to see if treatment will help your husband. I'd say as long as you are willing and as long as you aren't in a harmful relationship, he can use all the help he can get, even if he doesn't know it yet.

Finding the right group of medications is frustrating at first but he's got to stick with his doctor. The fact that he's doing that will make a huge difference once they find the right ones. The hardest part about it though is that each medication can take anywhere from 2-8 weeks to take effect, occationally longer. Each patient really needs to give it that long too to make sure that itis or isn't the right one for them before coming off of it (which can frequently take 2-8 more weeks) and starting to try a different medication.

Once he finds ones that work for him is when it will begin getting better. If you can weather the storm for now, please know that you likely mean the world to him, he is probably very grateful to you, and its possible that he's wanting a divorce suddenly to let you move on because he feels unworthy now that you've been close enough to see the real "him".

My belief as someone who has BP and who has learned from very hurtful mistakes is that my husband would definitely be better off with someone else if I weren't willing to stay on my medications and see my therapist regularly. He's a wonderful and supportive person but I finally was able to come to the realization that the things I do when manic require me to take meds and see my doctor for me to be able to keep them under control. Its the least I can do for my family.

Getting to the point where a person with BP is able to realize that is the hard part. I would never have thought I HAD a problem before I hit my rock bottom. The fact that your husband is already seeking treatment is very hopeful! Are you able to talk with his doctor also? If he's seeing a therapist, maybe once in a while it would be helpful if you could have a joint session with your husband? Those give my husband opportunities to bring up things that have been on his mind where my therapist can be a mediator for him. She also helps to explain to him what's been going on with me and what we've been working on.

It sounds like you love him very much, I definitely don't think you should give up. As for him wanting a divorce, I'd almost ignore it. Let him rant, just suddenly remember that you need to go pick something up at the store really fast or something if he gets all worked up and leave for a few minutes. The meds he's likely taking frequently cause all kinds of weird behavior including irritability. Let him be grouchy alone. You certainly don't nee to take the brunt of that.

Above all, never, ever stick around if the relationship becomes abusive. Go to a friend or relative's house for a while until you decide what to do next.
Janet

Renton, WA

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#18
Jun 27, 2007
 

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Thank you so much. Everything you have said I agree with. It is just hard to ignore what he is saying. I want to trust him. I do love him and I have gone down a long road to come to the point where I am now and that is, committed to staying with him. It took me a long time to accept exactly who he is but, I finally have.
Anna77 wrote:
Hey Janet, I'm glad you still want to see if treatment will help your husband. I'd say as long as you are willing and as long as you aren't in a harmful relationship, he can use all the help he can get, even if he doesn't know it yet.
Finding the right group of medications is frustrating at first but he's got to stick with his doctor. The fact that he's doing that will make a huge difference once they find the right ones. The hardest part about it though is that each medication can take anywhere from 2-8 weeks to take effect, occationally longer. Each patient really needs to give it that long too to make sure that itis or isn't the right one for them before coming off of it (which can frequently take 2-8 more weeks) and starting to try a different medication.
Once he finds ones that work for him is when it will begin getting better. If you can weather the storm for now, please know that you likely mean the world to him, he is probably very grateful to you, and its possible that he's wanting a divorce suddenly to let you move on because he feels unworthy now that you've been close enough to see the real "him".
My belief as someone who has BP and who has learned from very hurtful mistakes is that my husband would definitely be better off with someone else if I weren't willing to stay on my medications and see my therapist regularly. He's a wonderful and supportive person but I finally was able to come to the realization that the things I do when manic require me to take meds and see my doctor for me to be able to keep them under control. Its the least I can do for my family.
Getting to the point where a person with BP is able to realize that is the hard part. I would never have thought I HAD a problem before I hit my rock bottom. The fact that your husband is already seeking treatment is very hopeful! Are you able to talk with his doctor also? If he's seeing a therapist, maybe once in a while it would be helpful if you could have a joint session with your husband? Those give my husband opportunities to bring up things that have been on his mind where my therapist can be a mediator for him. She also helps to explain to him what's been going on with me and what we've been working on.
It sounds like you love him very much, I definitely don't think you should give up. As for him wanting a divorce, I'd almost ignore it. Let him rant, just suddenly remember that you need to go pick something up at the store really fast or something if he gets all worked up and leave for a few minutes. The meds he's likely taking frequently cause all kinds of weird behavior including irritability. Let him be grouchy alone. You certainly don't nee to take the brunt of that.
Above all, never, ever stick around if the relationship becomes abusive. Go to a friend or relative's house for a while until you decide what to do next.
LivingtheDownlow

Charleston, SC

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#19
Jun 30, 2007
 

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My husband of 2 years is BP and we did not really find out until we were married .....Anna is a Godsend... getting the perspective of a BP woman and relating to her story has helped me see what I am up against. My husband is 61 and is really only in the depressed part of BP...his psychiatrist has told him that when BP comes on this strong later in life the mania is rarely seen. He moved out about 6 weeks ago saying that he did not want to put me through these problems... I feel like many here in that I feel like a failure and keep thinking I can make it all better... he says because I try so hard it has only made him more guilty about what he is putting me through. One thing I can say is that reading threads like this and others has helped tremendously and whether we stay together or not I have learned how blessed I am to be whole and be able to love and give without expectation. Thanks so much for being there, Guys
Louise

Milwaukee, WI

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#20
Jul 1, 2007
 
Anna, thank you very much for your help. It has helped me and others a lot! My husband has BP for manay years and I just relized a few months ago thought reading and undertstanding. He is still in manic phase,left the kids and me a few weeks ago, don't know when he will be back. Luckly I am a professional woman and have a good income to support the family at this time. I felt the undertsnading and support from others do help us becoming stonger. Thank you for being there for us.

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