relationship with a bipolar man

relationship with a bipolar man

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april

Keller, TX

#1 Dec 24, 2009
i have been in a relationship with a bipolar man for going on 2 1/2 years. sometimes he tells me he hates me and doesnt want to be with me but at other times he acts like he does. is it normal for bipolar people to act this way. i love him with all of my heart and have learned how to deal with his disorder. i take care of him and am ok with that. i would do this the rest of my life if i had to. i just wonder if he really hates me or if its just the disorder talking... can someone please help me. btw..he just started taking medication for his disorder. he has been bipolar for many years but wasnt diagnosed until i made him see a dr about his mood swings. he is seeming nicer but the other day he asked me if it would hurt me if he found someone else to marry... i just dont know what to think..:-(
reason

London, KY

#2 Dec 24, 2009
Even with the meds. you are still going to have to put up with bi-polar symptoms [mood swings], only not as severe. The divorce rate of a bi-polar person is 90 percent.

However, I am an exception to the rule, I have been married to my husband for 19 yrs. If you have the patience and your love for him is deep enough plus you must be willing to fully educate yourself on this disorder, then hang in there. Chances are its the disorder talking, but it's going to be a very hard relationship.
Deuce

San Jose, CA

#3 Jan 7, 2010
My husband and I have been together seven years (married 5 with 2 of those separated). He has come and gone so many times and I have supported his need for space every time. He has now asked for a divorce even though he says he loves me and wants me. When he's gone, he refuses to talk to me or see me. If I happen to see him at a friend's, he seems happy to see me. I have been reading a lot about the disorder the past few weeks and wish I would have years ago. What can I do to get him back and keep him from leaving again? He refuses to seek help and I think he has only told his doctor he suffers from depression, which leads me to believe he's on the wrong meds. My heart is broken seeing him in pain and I can't do anything. I have learned so many of the things he has done, I blamed him for internally and feel awful now knowing it wasn't his fault. I just want the chance to work together so we can be one of the 10%. I've been trying to reassure him I'm here for him, will not abandon him and still believe in him. We have a good foundation so I know we can be successful. I called a counselor yesterday who specializes in BP and will start seeing him next week. I figured it would be good for me emotionally to get through this as well as help understand my husband better. Any information you can provide based on your experience would be a great help.

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Icy hot

Hurleyville, NY

#4 Mar 2, 2010
I've been in a "relationship" for almost 6 months with a man that was easy to love. It seemed like we wanted the same things in life.. we had both been hurt in the past. I learned he was bi-polar one week after meeting him. I've stuck by him. I never looked at him like he was different (dont know if that is a bad thing) Up until now I thought he cared for me (and maybe he does) but he has been wanting to be by himself more and more. He says I am smothering and he is not use to anyone doing anything for him. I only see him once or twice a week. I really dont think I did anything wrong. I really want to know if he is going through some bi-polar symptoms or is he "just not that into me". I asked him if he wanted us to part and he said no. He is telling me not to expect too much from him. I dont know where all this came from, but I appreciate any info. I have read so much on this illness because I care about him. He is a good man. He just wants to be alone in his cave. Should I break it off with him? I am confused. Please help
Julie XOXO

United States

#5 Mar 2, 2010
I have been in a relationship with a bipolar man for 9 years. He has been diagnosed 21 years and is on Depakote

and Saphris. Here is my 9 year experience with what I thought was my soul mate. He was awesome, strong, handsome,

employed, not living with Mom, pretty much everything a girl looks for. Slowly I found that he had very odd

opinions and at times would get so lost in conspiracy theories. Then I found out he had financial troubles with

very delinquent child support and credit cards he ran up and never paid. He told me his ex wife had bankrupted him

which happens, so I believed him until I heard him threaten his ex wifes new husband. She called me and said she

had never went after the child support because of his "condition" but her new husband felt he should be

contributing something even if it was nominal. Thus began all the lies and my introduction to bipolar disorder. So

many lies about so many things. Not little lies either. Life destroying ones. He was fired because he was on the

phone telling one of his bosses he was out of town making the sale of the century and his boss just happened to be

in a car right next to him and followed him to the house and came up and rang the doorbell. He lived with one of

his gay bosses, a few years before I met him, and apparently became somewhat the house boy only required to keep up

the house and he exploded and left because he felt wronged by having to clean up. All of the friends I have ever

known him to have came and went like the weather except the loser friends. Misery loves company. He told me about

this girl he slept with that I later found out had hepatitis. I was strong, patient, financially responsible and

willing to take on this disease with him. If you are weak or are looking for an EQUAL partner in a relationship,

you will not find it with a person suffering with uncontrolled bipolar disorder. They will lie. They will

disappear and you will never find out what truly happened and if by chance you do, you will wish you hadn't. They

will engage in some crazy or extreme activity, something they obsess about and they won't care how much money it

cost to do it. Sometimes they want you to dig in your savings pulling the "if you love me" card and will leave for

several days to punish you if you don't give in. For the most part they have some type of addiction to porn or sex.

If you challenge their determinations, you will be belittled, attacked and punished in some way. They will keep a

score card of everything.

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Julie XOXO

United States

#6 Mar 2, 2010
They will contribute a little and feel entitled to a lot. You will never have money for vacations or any realistic goal to work towards. You will need them one day when there is a death or serious medical issue with you or your family. If they are manic you are broken and will have to deal with it alone. I cried out for help and I was creating drama to interrupt him. I was emotionally overwhelmed and didn't have the snap to realize I was screaming out that I needed him and it was only making him irritated and angry, and he hit me with his fist and with a phone that he took away from me when I was trying to call 911. To this day he says he blacked out and doesn't think he really hit me with the phone. That is not the only time. He has been convicted of domestic violence once as a misdemeanor and once as a felony against me. He still says it was because I wasn't nice to him and he was only reacting to me. We tried to go to a therapist, but it's really hard to find one they cant run over or lie their way around. They use believable lies too. It's truly amazing. They drink and do drugs to self medicate. You will have to worry about them committing suicide. If you try to talk about questionable things they do, they will shhh you and change the subject not that you can speak logic to them anyway. Their brain has a different plane of reality. Don't have children. They will do the same exact thing they are doing to you to the children. Children grab the concept that if they don't praise and worship their dad and do everything right, that he won't love them. They won't get the comfort of unconditional love. It will be quite the opposite and will lead them into very damaging situations as well. Your friends and family will hate him and eventually won't be able to stay in the same room with him. His parents are too exhausted and feel it is best for him to just be exiled so then you become the problem for not just leaving. Everyone will tell you to leave the relationship and you will lose good friends over it. It's like the 300 movie. You can fight a good fight but you can't win unless the person with bipolar disorder wants to give normal life a real shot. They love their rollercoaster so it's hard for them to want to change... today that is. Entering this type of relationship is dangerous and difficult. If you are weak and feel like you can't find anyone else, this relationship will destroy you. If you are tough, independent, ultimate challenges and don't mind the scars, diseases or the state involved in your family's life...go ahead and give it your best shot. Sad but true. Best wishes.
Julie XOXO

United States

#7 Mar 3, 2010
I counseled, attended therapy, became educated and was NAMI active. I am still angry that inspite of all of my efforts learning what I needed to do to support him in everyway. I sacrificed everything. This is what you do when you care for a sick person. I wish someone would have educated me on bipolar and that I would have had the opportunity to know that my potential life partner had this disease. I have listened to 100s and 100s of stories in meetings. I am not a person without experience. Unless your potential partner is 100% committed to controlling their disease, your relationship will mimic mine in some form or fashon. Most people can't handle it. I support my ex still, but only to the point I can and still remain healthy for myself and my children. My voice isn't to cry out for help but to forewarn those entering these type relationships so they won't make the same mistakes that I did. I am still angry as I am sure you can tell, but I sacrificed so much of my life and I failed myself and him. I am in therapy and getting back to my old self a little more everyday.
Deuce

Danville, CA

#8 Mar 3, 2010
Julie, you and I sound exactly alike. I am absolutely blown away by the parallel life. I've been going to counseling and writing a book about surviving this and previous relationships where my s/o had some kind of addiction. My husband now does not drink or do alcohol and I cannot imagine life if he did. I would have left him immediately if he hit me because I already survived that kind of relationship. Even though we are no longer together (as of Dec 2009) and he is screwing a tramp that came between us (she told him something about me that was not true), he still manages to call and stir the fire. He's always talking about not wanting to be involved in drama yet he creates so much of it. He seems to thrive off it and then blames me. He keeps coming to an agreement with me and within days he calls and acts as though I am imagining the conversation. I too am trying to continue to support him as best as I can and have told him so. I will no longer offer passive support and the needs of my son and I will now come first. If you want to chat offline, let me know. I'd love to get more of your insight.
Julie XOXO

United States

#9 Mar 3, 2010
Deuce. I am writing as well. Up until now it seems no one is promoting this very important education and awareness. My life would have been very different had I fully understood what I was taking on. It's amazing how their recollection/interpretation of facts changes in such a short period of time isn't it? My personal favorite was when he got out of jail he was crying and so remorseful that he hurt me and the very next day he told me he was reacting and it was my fault for setting him off. He says "try being nice to me" and I have to exert such patience to not fire back. That's all I do is walk on eggshells and cater to his needs to keep him stable. Certainly you can contact me at [email protected] and we can work out a way to communicate.
Alec

Alexandria, VA

#10 Mar 3, 2010
All of you people act as so we are psychopaths manipulating each other and being as I am not a perfect example, seeing as I have just left thousands of razor cuts on my body which I think just look cool, of a controlled bipolar I do know that there are moments in which a bit of "humanity" shines through and we are regretful of our lives which seem to be the usual times in which we decide to seek out help or need a partner because suddenly the reality of everything comes crashing on top of us. but I am happy that some of my fellow bp friends have found comfort in others even though it is doomed to fail sure many of my relationships started out great because I was "peculiar", "different", but it really only goes so far. So my advice to you is just stick along for the ride for as long as you can keep a grip because it is a fun one even for those with a 2nd degree point of view
Deuce

San Jose, CA

#11 Mar 4, 2010
Alec, you say "stick along for the ride" and we have been. In my situation, I have stood by and remained supportive even though he moved out two years ago. He keeps coming back because I am here for him showing I am in it for the long haul. My counselor and I spoke about it the other day. He wanted to know if I was doing it to change him. I'm not, I'm doing it to show him he has a stable and safe environment to come to without judgment. He is in his mode right now where he doesn't want anything to do with me and insists on a divorce. How long do I need to continue to stick along for the ride when he screwing someone else? This person knew of our situation and took advantage of his vulnerability. I've told him I will always be here for him no matter who we are with or where we are in life. I will always be his fiend. I'm trying to continue to show him stability and safety lies with me (not her) and still take care of myself. It may sound like we are lumping all bp people together, and it is hard not too when our stories are so similar, but we love our s/o and hate the bp. This forum is probably the only place some of us have to go to ask for advice or just vent. We need support in order to give our s/o the kind of support they need and this is the only way to do it and keep our own sanity. I wish I would have found this before my husband asked for a divorce a few months ago.
Icy Hot

United States

#12 Mar 4, 2010
Alec.. I believe all people are entiled to be happy and have a chance at love and a relationship. I do not and did not look at my boyfriend as "someone with a mental illness". Although I believe he looks at himself like that and feels sorry for himself which does not allow him to love. This is where I am stuck. I dont know if I should continue with him. I havent heard from him in 2 days (which is not abnormal) since the conversation of smothering him. So I am stepping back and will wait for him to call. I want to tell him that I do care for him and love him and he does deserve that. But I dont know how to do this. By the way.. he is medicated and does attend therapy. Please respond..Thanks
Julie XOXO

Houston, TX

#13 Mar 5, 2010
Alec wrote:
All of you people act as so we are psychopaths manipulating each other and being as I am not a perfect example, seeing as I have just left thousands of razor cuts on my body which I think just look cool, of a controlled bipolar I do know that there are moments in which a bit of "humanity" shines through and we are regretful of our lives which seem to be the usual times in which we decide to seek out help or need a partner because suddenly the reality of everything comes crashing on top of us. but I am happy that some of my fellow bp friends have found comfort in others even though it is doomed to fail sure many of my relationships started out great because I was "peculiar", "different", but it really only goes so far. So my advice to you is just stick along for the ride for as long as you can keep a grip because it is a fun one even for those with a 2nd degree point of view
...describe fun
W8ting4theThaw

Nyack, NY

#14 Mar 9, 2010
Hi there,

First let me introduce myself. I am a 29 year old lawyer who graduated from a top law school in New York city. My wife had been pleading with me to get competent psychatric help for years now, and I always turned a cold shoulder to her and called her a nagging bitch. After I lost my first job out of law school (I wouldnt go home, I worked until 2:00 a.m. against my boss's instructions,) I feel off the deep end and spent hours on end online researching the connection between government and wall street (people, dates, meetings, etc,) I devised a plan for a "white" revolution which I almost relesed to some major underground media sources. In any event, my wife finally kicked me out of the house and I hit rock bottom fast. With two kids that I adore to no end, gone, my long suffering wife and suppost system, gone. The home we had shared for 8 years, gone, I reached a pinnacle of black rage that threatened to choke the very life out of me. Then I hit my next manic phase......
W8ting4theThaw

Nyack, NY

#15 Mar 9, 2010
I thought, "screw her" I dont need her! And indeed, I ofund a new job, talking my way into the second one and explaining away my firing like a breeze, even in a recession. I got an apartment in a relatively young, professional, and affluent area in the Hudson Valley and hit the bars to lay my mania on any passing skirt. And by god did ti work.... Little did I know how much I really missed my wife at the time and how much she missed me. The day of finalizing the divorce, I breezed through it cracking jokes the entire time. She had tears falling down her face. I told her we could forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened. She shook her head. Afterwards, outside the courthouse she clung to me and wept, wishing me the best, WTF? I wondered (I still did not know I was bi-polar)....
Two weeks later I crashed.
I quite my job during a phase of extreme manic delusion. To relate what was going through my mind during that period would probably put me in a state of collapse in this library as I type. Suffice it to say, I realized I was EXTREMELY ILL!!! Yes, I was fucking brilliant and smarter than everybody else and all that bullshit, but I was also a self destructive turd who caused extreme emotional anguish to the person who loved me most. As a lawyer who is used to research, I have now read a good 10-15 books on bipolar and everyting makes sense. The day after I quite my job I was in total shock. I couldnt sleep that night and called my ex at 6:00 in the morning. That night I had reviewed my entire life and realized that the same illness which caused me to quit and get fired w/in the space of 6 months during a recession, I had aflliceted my wife with for 8 years of marriage! Of course I never understood that I was sick becasue she was always there to blame for everything in the past!
Because I lived in a apartment with neighbors upstairs, I didnt want my sobs to be to loud. So here I am crouched on the kitchen floor, sobbing so hard that I could hardly get enough air in my diapghram to breath...."Hello" I hear her voice. I finally managed to utter her name--"Jessie"..(nam es changed of course) but that's it.
A pause.
"Bob?" she finally returns, and her voice is breaking also.
"I'm sorry, so...so...so very sorry, for everything"
She's crying to now, asking me if I need help. I cant continue the conversation so I mumble something and hang up.
She calls back five minutes later and suggests that I make an appointment for my therapist (social worker type, not p-doc) I tell her not to worry, I am not a danger to myself or others but that I now know that I need medical attention. As of this moment I am trying to waork out issues with my insurance but still have not received a proper diagnosis.
God bless you woman who stuck thorugh your loved one's illness. Of course some are utter shits regardless (Julie xoxox, I dont blame you for the way you feel) I am not an utter shit. I am very, very, sick and very, very, special. I had everything, I lost everything, in the past conversations I had with my ex where I gently hinted at me meducating and the possibility of reconciliation and she wishes me the best but its not gonna happen.
As for now I am lost and lonely and I am asking the woman out there who still think they have someone worthwhile of love. Please, please dont give up on them. Refer them to me at [email protected]
Deuce

Danville, CA

#16 Mar 9, 2010
W8ting4theThaw - I sit here with tears running down my face and goosebumps all over my body as I read your post. You are an excellent writer and really conveyed a vivid description of what you feel. I applaud you in your realization of what it is you need and what you want to do to achieve success. I hope my husband comes to the same realization, only I fear it will be way too late for us when he does. I've told him even if we are no longer together, I want wants best for him. I say that with a brave heart, but really want him back. Maybe one year from now I may not feel the same - I may get to that place where I can no longer put myself on the shelf in the back, but right now, I want him back and would take him back if he were willing to get the help he needs. Thank you for sharing your story. It really does mean a lot to me because I feel like I have a better understanding of what is going on inside my husband's head.
W8ting4theThaw

Suffern, NY

#17 Mar 9, 2010
Deuce,

Do not blame yourself for leaving him if he refuses to recognize his problem. Despite all the pain I have suffered, my ex would not be the wonderful woman I married if she continued putting up with it all and yes, I applaud her for leaving the ungrateful monster that I had become. That being said, my body and soul aches for my ex and I feel that if I can keep a couple together, than in some weird way I have managed to save my own marriage.
If your H needs someone to knock some sense into him I would be more than glad to have an email exchange--if he wants to that is....
Just Done

Eastport, NY

#18 Mar 11, 2010
Thank you all for your stories and inspiration. I too have been in a relationship for 7 years with my live-in boyfriend who is Bi-polar. As of today he is no longer allowed in my house, He has been diagnosed and medicated for years with varied effect. Now he is having a MAJOR Manic episode, refuses to go to Dr, increase meds, telling me he is not manic. He become toxic saying horrible things to me. I just started chemo for early stage breast cancer, and can't have him around to add to the stress. I am scared to be alone, but the choice of being verbally abused is not good either.Thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be helpful. I have been devoted to this man, not his disease, but he is refusing to deal with it.
Deuce

San Jose, CA

#19 Mar 11, 2010
I am with you Just Done. You are making the right choice for yourself. I woke up this morning and realized he was not my first thought. It's the first morning in seven years I didn't think of him first. He has been out of my life with someone else now for three months. I have intermittent conversations with him and he still goes back and forth in his moods. I am staying strong for myself as I head into a spinal tap next week to determine what is wrong with my body. I understand what you mean about remaining as stress-free as possible. I am with you in spirit and will keep you in my thoughts to send you the strength and support you need to get through everything.

“Peace on Earth”

Since: Sep 08

Santa Barbara, CA

#20 Mar 11, 2010
I have a brother who is bi-polar and has been on meds for more than 20 years, has been married three times and is engaged once again.

He has a good heart and I love him but dealing with him is a constant battle that never ends. I handle his fiances and pay his bills because he can't control his spending (In one month he ran up $18,000 in internet porn expenses).

I don't know how anyone can live happily with someone who is mentally ill. I never could. My advice to anyone in such a relationship is to get out if you want to save you own sanity. At the very least, never marry such a person. They will destroy your credit rating and you will take on more than you can imagine.

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