I have been in a relationship with a Bipolar before and it was hell

[gregmech26]

Part 1: Please do not ever tell him I said this to you, because Bipolar people have a very high suicide rate. This is just between you and me. I am sorry to tell you this, but you need to get away from him and stay away from him, as soon as possible. I am not going to sugarcoat this. Yes that is typical Bipolar behavior. Whatever you do, do NOT have kids with him, EVER. PLEASE. He will continally cycle from being attentive, loving, enthusiastic, sweet, passionate, and "the best boyfriend in the world", making you have that addicting natural "high", to, suddenly verbally abusing you or cutting you out of his life, abandoning you, and ignoring you, and making you feel like you have taken up residence in hell or close to it. You cannot out-stubborn a Bipolar. You can beg and plead with them to communicate with you, but they will NOT DO IT. Believe me, when they tell you to "leave them alone" they absolutely MEAN "leave them alone." They mean every word of it, in no uncertain terms, no matter how badly it hurts you to be the recipent of rotten treatment or abadonment, after they captured your heart, made you feel good, made you feel alive and excited and hopeful, and intrigued you. And believe me, you wouldn't want to be around them when the depressive episode or phase hits them, anyway. You are better off being abandoned and not around them, when that depression hits them because their attitude becomes despicable. You also cannot "love" the bad mood out of them, by coming around to where they are, and kissing them or holding them, giving them soft words.
If you LIVED with a Bipolar man, well dear, BE PREPARED!!!!! Some of them do manage to hold down jobs BUT some do NOT hang onto jobs and he just might be one of them who will refuse to work for very long! They will get a good job and be doing well at work, then BAM!...sure enough, one day, wake up in a bad, foul mood, and decide to stay in bed ALL DAY or play around on the computer ALL DAY playing silly Solitaire card games, Skee-Ball, dabble in internet gambling, or what have you, online, instead of getting dressed, straightening up, and going to work! So naturally, they get fired. He may end up expecting YOU to take care of him, so beware! In that situation, YOU will be the one, making him supper and bringing it to him on a TV tray while he sits in his room on the edge of his bed all day, or stays in there sleeping, being online, or watching TV. He will NOT come out and join you at the dinner table, act pleasant, act appreciative, or offer to clean the dirty dishes...or offer you ANY FORM OF SUPPORT.
YOU will be the one stuck with doing the laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and reporting to a job so you can "bring home the bacon" and cover all the bills. Do you know that some Bipolar people are on Disability payments from the government and live in Group Homes because their Bipolar makes them unable to cope with everyday, normal life? Is that truly somebody you want to be with?

[gregmech26]

Part 2: Oh and certainly let's not forget...be ready, because they are UNRELIABLE! You can FORGET making plans like planning out trips and vacations and expecting them to actually show up every time like they are supposed to, and join you on the planned outing or event, because, on the big day, if they wake up in a foul, depressed mood, they will NOT show up like they are supposed to, even if everything is all paid for, planned, and non-refundable! Ever have your Christmas holiday ruined because of them? Ever been abandoned for Christmas with not even a phone call, when you were expecting a wonderful day filled with love, happy times, kissing under the mistletoe, exchanging presents, and a lovely dinner with your special someone? The ones with severe Bipolar disorder CANNOT be counted on or relied on in ANY WAY. They will completely ruin your plans and hopes, no matter how big and important the event is to you, and how much effort you put into making it good. And guess what! They also like to get up and run off, sometimes staying out all night or for days at a time, without any word to you as to where they are going or when they're coming back!

Do you know they can't properly manage money, and sometimes have to have a "Payee" to manage money for them? Do you know they like to go out and blow money on things like gambling, alcohol, impulse purchases, rip-off trap places like Rentway, Rent-A-Center, or whatever trouble they feel like getting into at the moment? Even if it is very important money they were supposed to set aside to cover housing/apartment RENT? Do you have any idea how much credit card debt they can land themselves into? Do you also realize that some of them also have a condition called Psychosis which will make them believe things that normal people realize are very obviously not true? Do you know they can fall for scams like the Nigerian fake check/phoney money scam for example, if they have Psychosis?

Yes, he will want to drift in and out of your life, be mean to you and then want to be let back in and come back x-amount of time later, and pick up where y'all left off, expecting you to take him back and all is sunshine and peaches again. Yes he will want to be with you at HIS convenience, when HE feels like it. Yes, Bipolar people do remember the ones who love them and have loved them, and after their terrible depression phase passes, want them back in their lives, REGARDLESS of what they said before, with all that "stay away from me and leave me alone" talk when they throw those awful ice-cold or violent scenes that confuse you and drive your emotions into the ground.

[gregmech26]

Part 3: You will REGRET getting involved with him, and regret it and regret it and regret it. You will lose years of your life with him, that you will never get back. Nobody stays young for very long. Do NOT ruin what is supposed to be some of the happiest years of your life. Focus on getting educated and staying away from bad, detrimental men, please. He will suck the life out of you and probably end up sponging off of you. Have you ever found yourself paying his way to dinners or movies, by any chance? Do you find yourself putting up with things that you'd never thought in a million years you would ever tolerate from ANY man?

Also, here is a "gem" you will "love"...be fully prepared to be blamed for everything bad that happens to him, that was entirely not your fault, be prepared to be thought of as the source and cause of his problems that you had absolutely nothing to do with, and be prepared to walk on eggshells, having to analyze and strictly EDIT everything that comes out of your mouth before it comes out of your mouth when you speak, out of fear of offending him. You will be making one of the worst decisions of your life if you choose to stay with him and an even worse decision if you choose to have kids with him. He is NOT husband material and he is NOT father material. I am willing to bet you wouldn't even get one dime out of him for a child support payment. If I could be blunt, I think you need to have a realization and conception of how many single men are out there in the world who would treat you right.

You do NOT have to settle for somebody like this, out of fear of being lonely. You need somebody who thinks of you...your well-being, your feelings, what benefits YOU, at all times, and cherishes your feelings and raises your self-esteem...remember, your emotions are precious and not something anyone should be allowed to dismiss or stomp on.

Yes he is mentally ill and yes I feel sorry for him. But being mentally ill does not give anyone a free pass, blank check, or magical permission slip to abuse anyone. They need to curb their attitudes, act civilized, and keep their impulses to indulge in bad behavior in check, and know when to just shut up and be nice, just like everyone else in society has to. I can advise you and advise you to stop seeing him, but in the end of course it is all up to you. Do your parents know about him and how he has treated you? They must be worried sick about you and surely want you to find somebody better and stable who is decent and who has morals, who will NOT make you cry, and who will NOT flip-flop and flake on everything, throw and break things like a punk 10 year old brat kid, or be hurtful to you in any way. Please never base the value of a relationship on how good the sex is or how entertaining the man is.

By the way, there are Groups right here on Yahoo which are themed on coping with the Bipolar loved one. You may want to look them up and join, in Yahoo Groups...just go to Yahoo Groups and run searches on Bipolar this and that. Those people in there who actually live with a Bipolar and have lived with one for a long time, can tell you EXACTLY what it's like and what they have to deal with as a result of choosing a Bipolar mate. Be ready, it won't be pretty, but at least you'll hear the unvarnished truth. Take care. There ARE stable men out there who wouldn't ever dream of acting the way he is behaving.

[booksmart]

gregmech
you summed it all up so beautifully, everyone needs to listen to you!!!! you are sooooooooooo 10000000 percent right. took me a year and half of therapy and driving myself and all my friends and fam crazy to realize what you just said. thanks so much, and everyone please listen to gregmech and save yourslef a lot of heartache!!!!

[Finally OK]

Wow - unbelievably accurate. Thank you gregmech.

[hopeless]

Im 25, and have been struggling with bipolar for over ten years. Im sure I was even bipolar as a child, looking back.
I have come to the conclusion that maintaining a balance of excercise, eating well, having a schedule (including sleeping), and interacting with friends is the best way to be more predictable, as far as the illness goes. A diet of organic food will work wonders, for those of you fortunate enough to be close to an organic food system. Organic food is my cornerstone, and I have missed it greatly since moving from the west coast to the southeast. Marijuana helps in many instances relating to belligerance or rational when arguing. I have come to the conclusion that I will just have to lead a lonely life, or either retire from this world. I dont think I will choose to have kids, as I dont want them to go through what I have to go through not only within my head, but also the problems being bipolar creates with the world/life. I vascilate between suicide and pushing on.
-Hopeless

[Visitor]

You described the details brilliantly. I can atest to just about everything you mentioned. Wow.

gregmech26 wrote:

Part 3: You will REGRET getting involved with him, and regret it and regret it and regret it. You will lose years of your life with him, that you will never get back. Nobody stays young for very long. Do NOT ruin what is supposed to be some of the happiest years of your life. Focus on getting educated and staying away from bad, detrimental men, please. He will suck the life out of you and probably end up sponging off of you. Have you ever found yourself paying his way to dinners or movies, by any chance? Do you find yourself putting up with things that you'd never thought in a million years you would ever tolerate from ANY man?
Also, here is a "gem" you will "love"...be fully prepared to be blamed for everything bad that happens to him, that was entirely not your fault, be prepared to be thought of as the source and cause of his problems that you had absolutely nothing to do with, and be prepared to walk on eggshells, having to analyze and strictly EDIT everything that comes out of your mouth before it comes out of your mouth when you speak, out of fear of offending him. You will be making one of the worst decisions of your life if you choose to stay with him and an even worse decision if you choose to have kids with him. He is NOT husband material and he is NOT father material. I am willing to bet you wouldn't even get one dime out of him for a child support payment. If I could be blunt, I think you need to have a realization and conception of how many single men are out there in the world who would treat you right.
You do NOT have to settle for somebody like this, out of fear of being lonely. You need somebody who thinks of you...your well-being, your feelings, what benefits YOU, at all times, and cherishes your feelings and raises your self-esteem...remember, your emotions are precious and not something anyone should be allowed to dismiss or stomp on.
Yes he is mentally ill and yes I feel sorry for him. But being mentally ill does not give anyone a free pass, blank check, or magical permission slip to abuse anyone. They need to curb their attitudes, act civilized, and keep their impulses to indulge in bad behavior in check, and know when to just shut up and be nice, just like everyone else in society has to. I can advise you and advise you to stop seeing him, but in the end of course it is all up to you. Do your parents know about him and how he has treated you? They must be worried sick about you and surely want you to find somebody better and stable who is decent and who has morals, who will NOT make you cry, and who will NOT flip-flop and flake on everything, throw and break things like a punk 10 year old brat kid, or be hurtful to you in any way. Please never base the value of a relationship on how good the sex is or how entertaining the man is.
By the way, there are Groups right here on Yahoo which are themed on coping with the Bipolar loved one. You may want to look them up and join, in Yahoo Groups...just go to Yahoo Groups and run searches on Bipolar this and that. Those people in there who actually live with a Bipolar and have lived with one for a long time, can tell you EXACTLY what it's like and what they have to deal with as a result of choosing a Bipolar mate. Be ready, it won't be pretty, but at least you'll hear the unvarnished truth. Take care. There ARE stable men out there who wouldn't ever dream of acting the way he is behaving.

[Tamara]

Everything gregmech says is true. It's a no win situation. Upside down reality, blaming, aggression, turning the charm on and off- being abandoned over and over- and they only come back to see if you are still hooked - then dump you again. Cycle between many lovers, lie about it to keep everyone engaged in the chaos. Blame you for making them crazy or being a trigger- say they need someone more stable then you- who, a corpse?

There is no making sense out of insanity . I have read 100's of these posts - and not one
successful relationship with a bipolar.

Seriuosly, if there is one out there let us know. What I see, thousands of shattered hearts, devastated souls living a life of he'll trying to love someone who really doesn't give a shit. Like out of control 2 year olds who regress and act hostile - only using sex as a drug. They never even want to have sex with you when they come out of their mania . When they go away with no word - believe me- they are not thinking of you.They are screwing someone else and messing up someone else's life. They confuse mania and hyoersexuality for love.
You will be nothing but a caretaker, nurse, mommy, punching bag, annoyance to them.
I wish it were different, but it is hell.

You will offer your heart and get nothing back. It's your choice- read all of the BP blogs and notice the patterns and think about it long and hard is my advice.

[gregmech26]

"They confuse mania and hyper-sexuality for love."

"When they go away with no word - believe me- they are not thinking of you.They are screwing someone else and messing up someone else's life."

"You will offer your heart and get nothing back."

SO TRUE!!!

[Euro]

gregmech26 has got it SPOT ON! I related to *everything* he said. My Bipolar Fiance disappeared back in March and has completely ignored me and cut me out of his life. We'd been together for over 12 years. How he could do what he did without his conscience eating away at him still astounds me to this day.

[lee]

I can so identify with the descriptions of the frequent exits and entrances.For many years, my husband would leave and run off. leaving me and his kids. I used to confuse it with being just selfish and mean, until the pattern repeated itself so many times, and a dear friend said to me about it, "It's the illness." That has stayed in my mind and I now realize, that it was all symptomatic of his disease.
Now on Lithium and making much more sense, more sane behaviors. But, ufortunately, the illness never goes away. We all remain having to be the patient, understanding ones. My advice: Find something that brings you absolute joy and happiness, whatever it is. It will keep you sane, and well.

[Its a never ending cycle]

Being with someone who is bi-polar is absoloutley so emotionally draining. I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. She recently had a break down and was placed in a psyciatric hospital for 5 days. She called me every couple of hours, crying begging me to come and see her. I drove the two hours to the hospital and back every day. I brought her every thing she asked for, she cried and said I was the only thing in her life that was stable and good. She said that I was the only thing she thought about when she was in there that made her happy. I picked her up 2 days ago when she got released and she told me she doesn't want to be with me. Its been over a year now of this back and forth bull shit. One minute shes in love with me and is showeing me with presents and affection, then I dont hear from her for days. She has cheated on me 3 times yet i am the fool that stays around. I am now currently getting counseling to get over the emotional abuse that I've been enduring. Now all i need is the strength to walk away from someone I love.

[anonymously hurt]

reading all of these stories seems to help me to understand that I could not have dome any better than I did- that it wasn't my fault and just par for the course with this illness. I wish I had known before it was too late. I responded to all of the name calling and insults by yelling back. There was always a big fight going on- no one would back down.
I don't know that I have what it takes to be someone who can always just turn the other cheek. Sometimes I think that I can, but in the heat of things I find myself just sticking up for myself instead of understanding that we are
talking about loving someone who is mentally ill- and cycles in and out of appearing to be normal. I wish they could find a real cure for this illness.
COuld it possibly be food allergies? Allergies to wheat or dairy that make the brain allergic? It seems that organic food, exercise, stress reduction, and micronutrients seem to help some people from cycling. staying balanced. I would not want my partner to be stuck on a cocktail of meds for the rest of her life. It seems like it rarely works for long anyway, or am I wrong?
Has anyone had any luck with an organic diet with an ELISA ACT test to determine food allergies? There is a book called "Brain Allergies" that cites many of these reactions as biochemical from autoimmune reactions to food allergens. Of course, BIG PHARMA wants you all to be sick forever so that they can make billions of dollars off of the suffering- instead of providing research on food allergies and how proper nutrition and vitamins can heal your brain. Your brain is an organ- it can inflame like any other organ. An inflamed brain can make a person act crazy ( remember the Salem Witch Trials- they ate tainted rye which had fungus - the fungus made people act schizophrenic.) The Russians use a one month fast to successfully cure people of schizophrenia caused by food allergies ( wheat, gluten, dairy).
Instead of battling the illness, perhaps we can offer hope by helping our partners achieve balance with proper nutrition- coupled with therapy and
rest, healing arts. This is my opinion, I am not a doctor. I have seen many of my friends go suicidal on antidepressants. My partner was misdiagnosed as
unipolar depressed with OCD> Now she has been manic for six months. I don't know if she is alive. She has cut me out of her life. I don't know where she will be when she crashes. I can only hope that someone will be there to help her through.
.....i found another blog that has some good insights. partners that have lived through it and are more committed to staying, despite all of the draining emotional abuse during the bad times.
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2008/01/08/wh...
This is a really tragic illness for anyone to understand. Many are lost, many are hurt. I wish everyone strength to heal, especially the Bipolar's and the people who endure the illness with them.

[anonymously hurt]

also, read The Yeast Connection by Dr. William Crook. It explains Candidiasis, Food Allergy, and how hormones can mess with your moods and head. If you are addicted to sugar, carbs,( alcohol).......it causes your intestine to have a leaky gut. The allergens cross over the leaky gut into your blood stream- then are marked as an allergen. Once they are marked as an allergen- you can become allergic to the most benign things ( food.) flour, wheat, etc. It can make you feel crazy ( I know, I am allergic to wheat and gluten and when I eat it by accident I go into a severe depression- when I don't eat it I am fine.)
Doctors won't tell you this. Psychiatrist's won't tell you this, pharmaceutical companies sure as hell won't tell you this. They would go broke if people could cure themselves by avoiding food, detoxing, and cleaning up the toxic dump that all of our bodies have become due to the corrupt food and pharmaceutical industry.
Good luck.

[Visitor]

I sympathize with you. I can definitely relate. Try to remember that it's the illness talking. I believe that when she is stable, she does really love you and all of the things she says to you are true, but when she becomes unstable, messes with her meds, etc, she is an illogical mess. As much as you can, please try not to take it too personally because her actions really has nothing to do with you. Her brain is messed up. She can't ration. NAMI has helped me so much. I have participated in their Family to Family course which is free. It is once a week for 12 weeks. There is one in just about every city in the US. If you really love her and will choose to stay, this course will be the best thing for you. You have to learn to cope too! Best wishes to you!

Its a never ending cycle wrote:

Being with someone who is bi-polar is absoloutley so emotionally draining. I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. She recently had a break down and was placed in a psyciatric hospital for 5 days. She called me every couple of hours, crying begging me to come and see her. I drove the two hours to the hospital and back every day. I brought her every thing she asked for, she cried and said I was the only thing in her life that was stable and good. She said that I was the only thing she thought about when she was in there that made her happy. I picked her up 2 days ago when she got released and she told me she doesn't want to be with me. Its been over a year now of this back and forth bull shit. One minute shes in love with me and is showeing me with presents and affection, then I dont hear from her for days. She has cheated on me 3 times yet i am the fool that stays around. I am now currently getting counseling to get over the emotional abuse that I've been enduring. Now all i need is the strength to walk away from someone I love.

[SamoaWife]

Hi, this is about my friend (really)... I posted yesterday but it didn't publish for some reason. I am not married to someone with bipolar, so I hope you don't mind me posting here. I'm sure it's completely different and I can walk away. My problem is that my friend has bipolar and I don't know how to put clear boundaries in place. We are two married women, with kids the same ages at the same school. Reading through these posts, I see that the things I find exhausting, frustrating, hurtful about Liz are typical bipolar behaviours. She lies and manipulates, shows poor judgement especially in parenting situations, spends money like it's going out of style. The rest of the time, she sleeps. Her husband is away for work (we think he just needed a break) and while he's gone, she doesn't cook for the kids, doesn't clean the house, just takes the kids out and buys them really expensive stuff that they can't afford. She suggested that her 15 yr old daughter get her belly pierced (the mum's idea, not the kid's). Liz isn't talking to me at the moment, because I told her that I think her son really needs professional help. I was thinking anger management, but reading about bipolar in children, I think that's a real possibility. No-one wants to hear that about their own kids, I get that. I just worry that no-one else is stepping in. They move every three years, so just when people are getting close enough to see a pattern and maybe suggest help, they move on to a whole new community where no-one knows them. They are just in the process of arranging a move in the new year. All the kids have problems and their homelife is pretty awful. Liz is eroding the marriage fairly quickly - lovely when she's lovely, but constantly breaking promises, cheating, lying, what I now know is usual bipolar behaviour. My own husband has always felt uncomfortable around her, he doesn't like the way she looks at him. She thinks every man is attracted to her and takes every opportunity to flirt or more. Lots of people warned me about her when she first moved here - seems that once you've known someone with severe bipolar, you can spot them ... I know I do now - but I didn't listen. It might not be an issue, now that she knows that I don't think everything's fine. She might not want to pick up again. My question is - do I leave it alone (life is a lot more peaceful without her, I don't miss her drama), especially since she's moving away in a few months, or is there a way to stay friends but keep it from impacting on my family and home life? What do you all think?

[James]

My wife & wife's siblings -- all are Bipolar & Schizophrenic. In our fuking Indian-Asian culture, most of the marriages are fixed/arranged marriages. My marriage was also a fixed marriage.Before my marriage, if I knew that my future wife is from Bipolar, mentally ill family, I would NEVER marry her.

Bipolar/Schizophrenia is a genetic, inherited, permanent mental illness.Your children will also get this serious disease.

Let me tell you about my brother-in-law's family. My brother-in-law always keep himself isolated from the society. He has most annoying, rude, wired behavior.He is always occupied with something like he looks like a worholic....he is fixing his car....fixing his house......everyday...doesn't know where to stop when he is in Manic phase. And he always talks with himself loudly.......it's pretty annoying to normal people. His one child has Autistic disorder, another serious mental illness.

I suggest -- if you have any opportunity to avoid these mentally ill people, AVOID them at all cost.
It is most important to maintain your own sanity .
Good luck

[valleygirl]

i found another blog that has some good insights. partners that have lived through it and are more committed to staying, despite all of the draining emotional abuse during the bad times.
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2008/01/08/wh ...

I looked at this website and many of the postings made me so annoyed, it is a lot of people justifying staying despite being treated terribly. I just want to shake some sense into them! I like this site much better!

[turquoisetones]

This is true. Because of my bipolar mania, I can honestly say I have not been able to have any healthy serious relationships.
Mania has always ruined everything in my life, to the point where I now just sabotage any close relationships before any serious emotional roller coaster ride ensues. I'm on a ton of medication - 1,000mgs of Trileptal and 10mgs of Abilify, but it doesn't work at all when I have manic episodes (which happens often - once or twice every month). I don't trust anyone, and always just KNOW everyone is talking about me behind my back or laughing at me when I talk. I have social phobias and I lash out at people for reasons that aren't true, other than I can't help but think they are true. I have been told several times that I am a ridiculously good actress - I can mimic people's body language and general demeanor about an hour after meeting them, and I constantly tell people what I know they want to hear, as opposed to the truth, because I don't want people to get mad at me. The stories on this forum all ring true for me, only I have learned through the years to just not let other people get that close to me, because I honestly do not like hurting people who have been with me for years and truly know me enough to care about me. Sometimes I end up wallowing in my depression and wondering why I, and other bipolar people, are still living, other than as little psychotic science experiments. When you really get down to it, there is no point for us to live when we can't ever be close to anyone. Here is a poem I wrote about it all:

"Bi"

I will never feel the gray
Ricocheting through opposite states
I live within either night or day,
Right or left but never straight.
On the Sling Shot with 4 g's,
Ten years strapped in has me so tired.
I can no longer pay for this ride.
Let me out to rest,
Say your goodbyes.

No more living for pure light,
Psyche in height of the Burj Dubai,
Nameless faces beneath lay green-eyed,
Veins pulse vehement denial.
Sunshine swells my heart in bloom,
Beauty meets my 20/20 view,
Producing amphetamine adieus;
Blissful,
Until gravity ensues,

Condemns me into darkness;
Mind accelerates, breaks to depress,
I lie powerless and scream, incensed
I can never pass this test.
Viciously waiting it out
My road maps bleed when I feel turned off
Ruthlessness laced with sacred rancor;
Drained dry,
Find another perspicuous score.

I will never feel the gray
Use my shell for baiting strays
You see the cliff that juts away,
So ends the game of mindless strain.

[Broken heart]

Turquoise,

Thanks for your post and the poem. How
would you approach someone who has been
in a hypomanic state for now 7 months?
She is having reckless sex with multiple partners. Two or more guys together. This is not something she would do if she was not manic.

She has cut me out. I am devastated and
worried. She thinks she feels great and is telling everyone this. She is in danger because of this state of invincibility. I don't
know what to do. Her family doesn't know what is going on.

Do you violate someone's privacy if they
seem to be in danger? Will she snap out of it when she crashes or is this new sexual identity just something that she will snap in and out of?

I am lost at what to do. Is it best to leave her alone? She can be violent when pushed.

I am sorry, you must be lonely knowing that
intense love can trigger your emotions. I wish you love that fits for you.