Dating Bipolar People - What you shou...

Since: Dec 10

Arana Hills, Australia

#82 Apr 10, 2011
Mike wrote:
This post is prejudicial and extremely insulting to the mentally ill, you should be ashamed of yourself.
we on this post are grieving the loss of our life after spending time with a bipolar spouse
you may read the heading and perhaps realise that you are posting on the wrong forum ???
we are venting our feelings here because we have been blamed , abused , emotionally tortured by a bipolar spouse ..yes it is mental illness , at its worst
we find it just as offensive to hear your biased judgements of us as well !!
Jamanne

Lebanon, PA

#83 Apr 10, 2011
Mike, I am not trying to insult you or anyone with a mental illness. My husband made his own choices. His psychiatrist told me, not all bipolar people are verbally abusive and my husband got into some bad behavior patterns. My husband had narcissitic personality disorder and maybe a little anti social p.d. lurking under it all too. It was explained to me that was why he was mean and cruel and the bipolar part just put him on an uneven keel.
I loved him and I feel sorry for him having to go through life this way. He cannot see the pain he caused me, his first wife or his family. The first step to change your life comes when you realize you have a problem.
He did not realize that.
I am grieving the loss of hopes and dreams and a man who loved me day and was abusive the next. There is only so much a person can take. When you live with someone like this you come to a point where you realize you are going to be destroyed by their anger and their words or you are going to get out while you still have the strength and the will to do it.
Loopylou

Truro, UK

#84 Apr 21, 2011
I kind of don't know what to say - especially to gregmech26. My dear friend sent me the link to this page as i suffer from BP 1. I lost my husband, my house, my dogs, my life basically and it took that to get the help i needed. I joined bipolar support groups, and joined a badminton club and got a good job...totally turned my life around with medication and an amazing team. I know that i could have another episode, of course i could, but it is widely known and respected that the firest 2 years since a diagnosis is the toughest. After that 2 years it is thought that you will be better at coping and acccepting your illness. I am with a lovely new man now that says, even you on a bad day is better than most on a good day. This kind of support is so vital. Education and the right medication is key.

So, please do not label BP sufferers - life is hard enough as it is.
anon

Algester, Australia

#85 Apr 22, 2011
Loopylou
we who label BP sufferers ..do so out of tremendous trauma that we have suffered ...you did say yourself you lost your husband , your dogs , your house , your life ....we here that post are the ones on the receiving end of what you have walked away from ..we are the used goods that to you were thrown in the trash because you couldnt cope with us ...I do commend you on your efforts to turn your life around and now you have a great man in your life even better ...but it came at a cost to an innocent victim of your previous wrath
we dont judge what we cant see and feel ...we post to release what has been for us an horrendous and painful experience of giving to someone who did not give back , of supporting someone who was prepared to cast us aside for their own benefit
i believe you are a good person , and most bipolars are if they accept responsibility as you have done for their illness ...I have moved on from my ex bp who destroyed my family and my life for 10 years with his infidelity and lies , but my new partner still has an enormous job to overcome the PTSD i suffered at the hands of a narcissistic bipolar man ...its not just you who suffer we suffer the indignation of not having anything wrong with us to being totally incapacitated with grief and issues of trust and loyalty ...so please I ask u back ...dont judge us either .
William Dennis

Toronto, Canada

#86 Apr 25, 2011
You have just helped yourself,when you the good person you are asked for help, for U.R.Not Alone; You are not wierd, you are different,You are not crazy the world is and we all see "IT",differently; next time you think you will be by yourself forever,think again;you will find your best friend of 21 yrs.inside you; cause you are #1,when you are comfortable with #1 inside, the persons you want to relate to will see your comfort and trust me stranger they will find the good person that you know you," ARE"...already !!!
Malcolm

Baltimore, MD

#87 Apr 30, 2011
Kelti wrote:
Just a note:
1. This is a site for bipolar people seeking recovery and for their loved ones
2. It is NOT a site for bipolar bashing
3. It is not a site for putting all bipolar people in a category that is all one of the same We are all in different stages of recovery
4. It is a site most of all for bipolar people seeking support.
5. It is a site for asking questions about bipolar from those of us on here who are educated in this area.
6.Beware of what you read. This site is not bipolar friendly.
I don't know if it the comments on this site are "bashing" or not, but the horror stories describe to a T my experiences with my bipolar sister.(I can entirely identify with the first post, for example, and all the other posts you would consider not "bipolar friendly". It sure helps me to know there are other people having to deal with decades of lying, cheating, drug abuse, self-obsession, stealing, manipulation, etc. that these posts describe. These traits just ring true too much to be able to be swept away as "bashing". Trouble is, a girlfriend is a to some extent a voluntary relationship. When you witness these despicable behaviors in a loved one, you're stuck with it. I hate the fact that all the horrible things my sister does, she conveniently blames on her disease (and it IS a disease). In her mind she cannot bear the blame for any of the horrible things she has done.
JulieXOXO

Houston, TX

#88 May 13, 2011
Actually I wrote the original post so that people about to begin a relationship with a person suffering with BPD would know what to watch for and have the information to make a good decision about their own lives. We all have that right. Yes, bipolar people are at different stages but it isn't fair that people are destroyed along the way because of their ignorance of what BPD is. Personally I have lived with a BPS and I can spot it a mile away and I avoid it. It's my life and that's my choice. This is no different than an Alanon meeting where people unite for a greater understanding. Most people are happy when people find help. This site IS for people suffering from BPD and while I don't have a mentall illness, I have definitely suffered from it. Our rights are equal here. Part of the flaw in the recovery process is that there is hardly any support for those of us who supported and love our BPS or family member. I will agree that both sides usually have fallen to an unhealthy view of self and probably shouldn't read the other sides posts... Just like AA/Alanon.
justin J

Jackson, MS

#89 Jun 2, 2011
i honestly couldnt finish reading this it sounded like a bunch of bullshit, maybe your fiance is just an asshole

im bipolar (2 or II whatever) and i do get pissed at people and yell and scream and break shit when im pissed, but ive made damn sure never to hit my fiance of 2 years, and made sure never to make her feel i didnt love her, i always support her in ideas i could support like her idea to lose weight, her not wanting to marry in a church and other things, i always go out of my way to make her happy because i LOVE her and i'd rather take a fucking butcher knife and stab myself in the throat before i make her cry or hurt her in anyway!

we still fight because in a real fucking relationship you're going to because you're not dating a clone! you're dating another human being with different experiences and different ideas than your own maybe you both should grow up mentally before you blame it on a disease you cant possibly understand then bash the whole bipolar community with slander and lies!
karen

Milo, ME

#90 Jun 2, 2011
Justin, Don't let others make you feel you fit into the cheat and beat your mate mold. Not all people with bipolar are the same. It is refreshing to hear someone keeps a relationship. So, so many do not, sadly including me. If he had treated me well, I would have dealt with just about anything and I think most people would say that. I did put up with just about anything until he cheated. I think everyone who deals with a bipolar mate knows there are the cases where some can make it-there is that 4%. We all wish we could be in that percentage. I have explained to some people things my BPH has done and they say their ex has done those same things and he was just an asshole but those of us dealing with this knows that there is a difference. Take care and enjoy your fiance. Keep posting. We all like to hear the success stories.
Rae Rae

Australia

#91 Jun 2, 2011
Justin i couldnt agree with you more, i am too in a succesfull reltionship even though i have bipolar I. Karen you are right, not all of us are the same and it drives me nuts(pardon the pun) when everyone seems to put us all in the same basket!!! I really think alot of these partners are also fair dinkum arseholes but because they have BD its so easy to blame it on the desease, it is a contrubuting factor but not the overall cause!!
sad for my guy

United States

#92 Jun 3, 2011
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading many of the posts. I've been dating a bi-polar man for 2+ months. He told me on our 2nd date that he was bi-polar & took medication. At the time, I didn't realize what that really meant. He seemed fine, has a lovely home and a successful business. It was love at first sight for both of us & by the 2nd date, he asked that we be exclusive & within a couple of weeks, he was telling me he loved me. I did think it was a little bit premature, but was excited by the thought that I had found a great guy & we were mutually crazy about each other. Then the trouble started.

Within this 2 month period, we have had several "situations" for lack of a better word. I learned quite quickly to watch what I say, so as not to upset him. He creates scenarios in his head & accuses me of being a liar & a manipulator. He doesn't give me a chance to explain myself, but calls me names & tells me to go away. Then usually within a day or so, he will contact me again & apologize. He will take something so little & blow it completely out of proportion.

When things are good, they are amazing but I'm finding when they're bad, they are heartbreaking. I love this man & I've tried to show him , kindness, patience, understanding and that I am there for him. He has never been married & no children & his longest relationship was 3 years. He says he wants "us" so bad & I've tried to prove to him by forgiveness, that I won't leave him like I believe everyone else has. But I'm afraid of what this is going to do to me & my children. Yes, I have children from my 1st marriage & he is the first one I've introduced them to. He has embraced them & calls them "our" children. You can see he so desperately wants to have a family to have & love.

Last night, he said it was over & to leave him alone. I don't want to let him go, but recently I've been more upset than happy. Is there any way to get through to him or should I just leave him alone?
karen

Milo, ME

#93 Jun 3, 2011
Hi. I honestly believe that you need to leave him alone. There is no amount of understanding, talking or anything else that will change anything about him. The best thing would be to let him work it out for himself.He needs to come to you. I was married for 21 years and there is absolutely nothing I could say. I just have to sit and wait, ignore the negative (the best I can-I'm not a saint)If it were just you, you could stick it out but coming from experience, if you are feeling sad over the loss, children feel it so much more. Very hard on children.
2nd bp relationship

Waianae, HI

#94 Jul 18, 2011
sad for my guy, I would say based on Karen's experience, sadly, leaving him would be the best thing. You could perhaps, offer to be friends, but you must really mean it. If you haven't already made your decision, perhaps you could ask him if he is currently in therapy, along with taking his meds, and get to know his family and friends to understand his history and see how he really is in the long run. 2 months seems to be the breaking point of many relationships, where the honeymoon stage fades and the negative sides of people come out...or reality check time! It's sad because in the beginning there is such passion, amazement, and belief in this person and the beautiful things you share. But really we are just seeing this person in the best light in the beginning. If you can handle it and he is really willing to work with you, and his family and friends seem honestly positive about him, then perhaps try it a while longer, but give yourself a deadline...6 months...to see if it works. Meanwhile don't let your kids be too close in any dating relationship because it is too difficult for them, until you are sure about a long-term committed relationship.

I have not heard of the 4% positive relationship statistic mentioned by Karen. That seems so low. I think everyone is different, and those with treatment can be much more successful. The trouble is a lot of people do not maintain treatment, or do not even get a diagnosis. And some people are very manipulative and unstable. I've known quite a lot of people with BPD and none of them have been abusive, not at all! But emotionally unstable, on and off again in their commitment or passion for you, unreliable, moody outbursts at small things that build up? yes.

In another situation, a friend with BPD on medication..he has taken care of his son and his daughter with cerebral palsy for 13 years, though he has been through 2 failed marriages. He has custody of his son and part-time custody of his daughter and lives very well, but humbly. When he is in a relationship he is loyal, and is devastated when the relationship ends.
CheeryChickidy

Gatesville, TX

#95 Jul 18, 2011
My father is Bipolar Type 1, and loves me unconditionally. All he has to take is Lithium.
broken1

United States

#96 Aug 17, 2011
chels wrote:
yea... so im a bit lost? now your not bipolar right? it was the man you were engaged to. so im sorry if i am wrong i may have teken what you said the wrong way but it looks to me that you said You will find they are controlling and delusional and cannot accept blame for any of their problems." They live in the past blaming others for how they turned out. They have few people in their lives and can't understand why."
this is not comletely true... everyone is different every bipolar person had their own mind. they may all get some what deporessed and separate them self from people when the bipolar kicks in. but thats not how they always are. and the part where you say Also if you have children consider the impression a child will receive is that they have to praise, worship and always do what their parent with bipolar wants them to do in order to be loved. They will feel NO unconditional love
a bipolar person is just like you and i they love just as much as you would love your child. who is to say they cant give a child unconditional love? they are normal people who have a problem maybe some bipolar people dont accept what they have and go on living that way without help but those who get help are just as normal as anyone. they can love their children and husbands just as much as anyone could. possibly even more. they are kind people who in my opinion got a gift to be different and an oportunity to show the world that they can over come battles many of you cant. they are just like you and i with a little twist and maybe sometimes theyhave difficulties at life and nothing may come easy for them but those battles make them who they are and build them stronger!


Thank you!!!
broken1

United States

#97 Aug 17, 2011
Bitterbabe wrote:
<quoted text>
we on this post are grieving the loss of our life after spending time with a bipolar spouse
you may read the heading and perhaps realise that you are posting on the wrong forum ???
we are venting our feelings here because we have been blamed , abused , emotionally tortured by a bipolar spouse ..yes it is mental illness , at its worst
we find it just as offensive to hear your biased judgements of us as well !!
You don't have to be bipolar to be insensitive, heartless, abusive and in your (all u bipolar bashing f@#&s) case ignorant as well as selfish. I think you all deserve what you got.
karen

Bangor, ME

#98 Aug 17, 2011
I can spot a bipolar a mile away and you are one and just proves what the writer that you responded to is saying. You did read the word "grieving" in there didn't you? Talk about insensitive.
PerfectlyNOT com

Dallas, TX

#99 Aug 17, 2011
A new site has been launched that is dedicated to helping people with their problems. If you or anyone you know is suffering due to a life challenge or imperfection, please point them to www.PerfectlyNOT.com .
beenbpburned

Chicago, IL

#100 Aug 21, 2011
Unfortunately, I have been on the BP express, as well.
beenbpburned

Chicago, IL

#101 Aug 21, 2011
Ooops... the seducation period was the same as all you describe. I thought I had found my soul mate I had been searching for all my years!! I was very particular about who I dated, and my relationships meant alot to me. Yes, he had financial difficulties, drank a bit more, but I thought that was just things we could work through.

I never suspected until after we broke up, after talking to a psychologist, clinical social worker specializing in BP behaviors, and explaining his behaviors I saw in hindsight & family history. Regardless, he is in denial and unmedicated.

Our relationship for the first year was smooth. He proposed X-mas eve. I was so excited making plans, etc. He was going to go back to school. Then, out of nowhere, excessive spending, lying, grandoise behavior, things I have never seen! My friends wondered if it were the same person!

It all exploded when I found a disgusting profile on a disgusting sex site. I confronted him. He then told me how much he wanted to f--- other women and that he took another girl out only 3 weeks after he proposed to me!!! That he could have had her, but he didn't pursue her strong enough. All the time, living off of me, claiming he had no money while he spent over $1000 on clothes for himself and taking this girl out to dinners, etc...

The loving man I knew turned into a monster. Pure & simple, a monster. He lied, cheated and used me. Verbally abused me. Made critical, hurtful comments to me all disguised as jokes. He knew how crazy it would look to propose marraige and then change mind 3 weeks later over some skank in the bar. He is the one person in my life I wish I could turn back the clock and never met him. The ony boyfriend that I want no memory, pictures, etc of him at all. No reminders of any kind.

It was my choice to have absolutely no contact with him. But, he really didn't care anyway. He had depleted me emotionally, financially- just a shell left. I have never experienced a more traumatic break-up in my life. Time is healing things, but very slowly.

My advice to someone in a BP relationship get out now before you invest anymore time. People get hurt, and most likely its the non-BP partner.

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