Dating Bipolar People - What you shou...
Starr

Lewisburg, PA

#62 Dec 15, 2010
Peter wrote:
I ended a relationship with a bipolar person 6 months ago. I look back now and see all the manipulations she tried on me. I was really lonely and I stupidly almost married her. She is very needy and moody. She wanted to marry me after only dating 3 months. The more I tried to slow it down, the more she tried to manipulate me and fight with me. I noticed from many conversations that she has strange views of sex. She had been abused more than once. She was very controlling and I could not reason with her about many things. Sometimes she couldn't get enough of me and would be very needy. She would not let me get off the phone even when I needed to get some sleep. She would start to question my love for her. Other times she would avoid me for days, which was easy because we lived hours apart and she just wouldn't answer the phone. She hated herself and was very insecure. She sometimes criticized me for weird reasons. One time I stuck up for her at a public place when someone was being rude to her. I didn't make a scene, I just nicely told the employee that we were paying customers and that we should be treated better. She screamed at me in a later argument, that she started over nothing, that I was a very rude person and she wasn't going to put up with it anymore. Trust me, I am known as a very polite person and always showed her incredible respect. She always expected perfection from me and always excused her mistakes and poor behavior on me or her period or told me I was crazy and she did nothing wrong and that I was overly sensitive. The irony is she was incredibly sensitive. One time I questioned her motives. BIG MISTAKE! She flipped out and said "I never do anything with a bad motive, ever!!! Don't you ever say that to me again!!! My ex-husband used to say that!!! When I stopped catering to her every need, I felt her start to pull away. Here is the same girl who kept begging me to marry her and said she loved me so much. I broke it off and 6 months later she married a guy 24 years older than her, who I hear has no money but is a nice guy. HE OBVIOUSLY IS MORE DESPERATE THAN ME. Two desperate lonely people who will probably end up destroying each other.This just happened. How do you think that marriage is going to work out? Oh, did I mention she has a kid with emotional problems?
Hey Peter, this situation sounds so much like mine it's scary...I'm wondering did she admit to or know she was bipolar? Has anyone dated someone who denies and even laughs at you when you question them about having BP?
Starr

Lewisburg, PA

#63 Dec 15, 2010
Has anyone ever dated someone who appears (in my opinion) to be BP....(confirmed even more after reading everyone's posts on here)but who denies it and even laughs at you for suggesting it.?? I'm wondering how many people own up to it or are in denial?
Thomas not Peter

Boston, MA

#64 Dec 16, 2010
Starr wrote:
<quoted text> Hey Peter, this situation sounds so much like mine it's scary...I'm wondering did she admit to or know she was bipolar? Has anyone dated someone who denies and even laughs at you when you question them about having BP?
Starr. I want to answer your question, but, first I have to tell you that I only posted under Peter a few times. I have since posted all my comments under Thomas. Neither name is my real first name. Like most people on here I am not going to use my real name for obvious reasons. If you read any of those posts regardless of the name I use, they are very consistent. Anyone can tell it is the same person. I have no hidden agenda and I don't keep changing my viewpoint. I just decided I didn't want to use Peter anymore for very personal reasons I will not get into. I hope that clears things up for you and everyone.
Now to answer your question: No, she did not admit to me that she was bipolar. And I honestly don't really know if she knows she is. That being said, she showed all the signs of being bipolar. Unfortunately, when I was dating her, I knew very little about the condition at the time so I didn't put 2 and 2 together and I never asked her if she was bipolar. I learned about BP after we broke up. I have no contact with her now so I can't ask her. I wish I did ask her when I was dating her. I would have loved to hear her answer and to know if she hid it from me. She did mention to me that she was prescribed a medication for her depression, but, she didn't like to use it and barely did. She also said she was seeing a counselor, but, it was no big deal and that I shouldn't worry about it. She also had a past full of suicide attempts, a bad marriage, infidelity, bankruptcy, many failed trelationships and abuse. She blamed all of her problems on her ex-husband. She told me that he drove her to do all the things she did. he was just so abusive that she ended up having a breakdown and trying to commit suicide. And that his abuse caused her to eventually cheat on him. He drove her to do all those things, she was not responsible. He was also responsible for all their money woes by her account. At the time, I just thought she was a helpless, innocent victim who had been severly abused and I wanted to "save her" from a life of misery.
During our relationship, I remember once questioning her motives on something that she did and she flipped out. She angrilly said to me: "Don't you ever question my motives, again! My ex-husband used to do that! I never, ever have bad motives! All my motives are pure!"
As our relationship continued, she said and did more and more things that really disturbed me. I really started to see that she had severe emotional problems. She is easily the most insecure person I have ever met in my life. She was jealous of everything. I couldn't even pick up my cat for 30 seconds without her being jealous of the attention I gave him. Seriously! She was also very insecure about her looks even though I felt she was very attractive. She didn't like it that I worked out regularly. It was like she didn't want me to be in better shape than her. I remember her telling me that she was afraid I would wake up some day and realize that she wasn't that pretty and I would leave her. I only complimented her all the time, but, she would never believe me when I told her she was pretty.
Anyway, I believe she is bipolar because of everything I have since read about BP symptoms after our break-up. Plus, All the stories on this forum are similar to mine. And lastly, 2 people I know, after hearing my story, told me she was bipolar, without a doubt. One person who warned me was a woman I used to work with. She grew up with a brother who was BP. He eventually committed suicide, sadly enough. The other person who told me she was BP was a friend who was married to a BP woman for 8 years. They both told me to run and never look back. I took their advice.
Thomas

Boston, MA

#65 Dec 16, 2010
Starr. I could tell you many more things that she did that prove that she has to be bipolar, but, I would end up writing for a week and it's pointless. The funny thing is though, I broke up with her not only because she was emotionally abusive to me, but, because I really believed she didn't love me. I started to realize that she just wanted to be in a relationship. It didn't matter who the guy was. As long as it was a guy, any guy.
The first clue that this was the case was the fact that she supposedly was in love with me after only 2 months of dating and yet, she still talked about her last boyfriend and still had his letters and emails. after about 2 1/2 months she asked me where her wedding ring was and started to discuss our wedding.
Let's talk about the ex-boyfriend for a while. I saw him once. The day I met her. She walked up to him and said something to him I couldn't hear and walked away with me. Later on she told me who he was.
Okay, here's the really weird part. She used to tell me how emotionally abusive he was to her and that she wasn't even physically attracted to him in the least. She told me she never even kissed him! This blew me away because she was all over me like white on rice all the time. And yet, she wanted to marry this other guy before me who she looked at like a brother because he was around during a crisis and he had helped her get through it. It didn't matter that she wasn't physically attracted to him or that he was emotionally abusive to her. She was heartbroken that he wouldn't commit to her in marriage. I asked her point blank: "Why would you want to marry someone you are not physically attracted to and who you say abused you?" She just got mad and said I didn't understand love.
As I learned more about her past, I also started to see how all her relationships seemed to follow a similar pattern. She would be having a crisis or some personal "drama" and whatever man happened to be there for her, she would latch onto and want to marry. I truly believed if I broke up with her that she would find a replacement for me faster than you could change a light bulb. I did not feel special in the least. I was just the window dressing for her wedding. She just wanted a guy who would marry her now and ask questions later. I wasn't that guy. I couldn't be that guy. I had to much self-respect. I wasn't looking to just marry anyone. I wanted a real relationship with a woman who truly loved me. I wasn't going to settle for a desperate woman who would marry just anyone. I felt that if she would marry me just because I was there than she would probably leave me for just anyone that came along later. Whether he was good-looking or not. Whether he had money or not. Whether he was older than me or younger than me. It just didn't seem to matter to her. I could see it. She just wanted attention from a man, any man. The more attention you gave her the more she "loved you".
Anyway, I was right. A few weeks after I broke up with her she started dating a guy older than me and her mother. I hear they dated for 3 whole months and were married.
As I mentioned on another post, she was 1 1/2 hours late for her wedding and she said something nice about me at her wedding to a guest that she found out knew me. That's how I found out she got married. Because my name came up and she mentioned she dated me and that I was nice to her, but, it didn't work out.
I hear the guy has no money and is not that good looking, but, is supposedly a nice guy. I honestly don't know if that is the case.
I just wonder how she can be "in love" with and want to marry 3 totally different guys in a timespan of about 14 months. My opinion is she doesn't love any of us. That's where I don't get it when bipolar people say they love stronger than "normal" people. I would say that I loved her much more than she loved me. I dont fall in love every couple of months and I don't want to marry everyone I date like her. I think she is very confused.
My 2nd bp relationship

Waianae, HI

#66 Dec 25, 2010
w8ting4thethaw wrote:
I can personally attest to the fact that a bp father can show unconditional love. Even while gong through some of the most extreme mood swings, while being completely unaware at the time that I was bp, I never took it out on my kids. In fact, I remember telling my p-doc at the time that when I was really depressed I used to tickle my kids at the time and wrestle with them a lot, all the time praying that it would distract them from looking in my eyes and seeing the utter death and darkness I was living through at the time reflected in my eyes... We are aware, we may love and hate at the extremes of the human spectrum but its not like all of us are oblivious turds....
w8ting4thethaw, Thank you for posting this! First, it is wonderful to hear that a person with bipolar disorder CAN attest to having a fun time with his/her kids even while being in depression. I would like to know more about this utter time of death and darkness. I would like to know what you are going through, and what is the best way to react! Also, do your feelings for your partner completely change? Are you able to still feel the love you had for them at the beginning, or do your feelings disappear? Do you ever push her away and say you want to live your life alone? And if so, do you really want her to still be there for you later?
My 2nd bp relationship

Waianae, HI

#67 Dec 25, 2010
I haven't read everything here, but I don't think the goal of this thread is to bash people with bipolar disorder. I think most of us absolutely love and adore our bipolar partners or ex-partners. I think most of the people want to believe that there's hope. We hold on, we're patient, we're forgiving, we give our all! We are faithful and dedicated, selfless and compassionate. We go beyond social norms and dating rules, because we know we are dealing with someone beyond normal. For example, when you don't hear from someone for a long time, you usually write them off and abandon them. We do not. Some of us are more educated, independent, and psychologically aware. But regardless, we love/loved these partners, and we're just hurt by what's happened over and over again. There are amazing, wonderful things about our partners. We don't want to let go. But when the repetition continues, and we go unappreciated, undervalued, unnoticed, ignored, told to go away forever, we start to think, maybe, we need to listen to other people's stories, and let go, for our own emotional health. We want to be hopeful. But we need to be realistic.

I really appreciate hearing from the people with bipolar themselves. I like hearing the success stories. We all want to hear them. We also want to be realistic. Perhaps the success stories are the rare ones where the person with bp had the right therapy, frame of mind, and self control to maintain a more stable relationship with their partner.

My ex-partner is super intelligent, reflective, working on 3rd degree and running a business. He was amazingly tender and loving with me. He made me feel secure in our relationship. Unfortunately now he says he has no feelings, nothing to offer, can barely make it through the day, and that he wants me out of his life. We never fought. He says coping and clarity is an understatement. He completely shut me out time and again over this year that I've known him.

I like to believe that he would be an excellent husband and father. He is so smart and exerts more reflection and self-control than most people I know. But I don't want to fool myself. I don't know the extent of his chemical imbalance. He is barely figuring things out. Despite him once saying it was important to have me in his life, he now wants me out.
matt

State College, PA

#68 Feb 10, 2011
I have wrote in a few times, at first asking for help, and then defending against stereotypes. For me, my situation has come full circle. I dated my girlfriend for 9 months, we broke up, and she was the cause of this. I was friends with her for a few months and now we're back together. I love her with all of my heart, but for anyone to think that all Bipolar people will be unable to have a relationship is something that comes with the territory. I now know how hard this relationship can be, and I have done everything I can to research and seek my own therapy to help me deal with it, but there are times it will be hard. Harder than a relationship with a "normal" person you ask? Most likely, but it can be worth it. If a person is diagnosed as bipolar, and then do what they have to to help themselves, then a relationship can work. I know this, because it has been happening with me. Are there times when it hurts that you can't make the person you love happy, when just a smile from them does it for you? Yes, but these problems are minuscule compared to the amazing moments that can follow. The most important point to be taken from the scorned lovers on this thread is that to be able to deal with a relationship with a person coping with BP it is most important for them to want to help themselves and then it is completely needed that you are secure in yourself. I agree completely that an untreated person with mental illness can illicit strong love out of someone with their own mental problems, and the most important thing is to work on yourself while being there for the person you love. I will not stand here and let people drag ALL bipolars through the mud and say that they are all bad partners, because that isn't the case. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I know she does too. Yes, love can be blinding, and yes, I could be wrong again, but from personal experience, the difference in someone after they actually seek help and stick to medication is monumental. If you find yourself in the situations listed above, think clearly to see if you are upset by the relationship because of your own mental state, and work to change that first. No one will make you happy but yourself, yet there are many, many people that can help to enhance that feeling, and yes many of them are great, lovable, and perhaps bipolar.
jimmyd

Stoney Creek, Canada

#69 Feb 14, 2011
Thanks Julie such insite now i know why my wife left and took my 2 kids. I feel so much better about myself. :)
SB_Maitland

Pacific, MO

#70 Mar 28, 2011
Dave wrote:
In other words to sum it up, just move on if you can.
I too am going through this, had I known what I know now, I would not have even tried at this relationship. It has been doomed from the beginning. When A BP does not want to help themselves or accept the fact that they have a mental illness, it will NEVER work. The non BP is the one who ends up getting hurt. Although I am very hurt right now, time will heal. I cannot take another false accustaion, dellusional beliefs and believe that this has now cause me to have a mental crisis trying to figure out the BP, NO USE. I am tired of the stop taking meds because they make me fat, to illiegal drug use, to cheating, to telling constant lies that I am at my wits end. And A BP who just cuts off all contact when you care for them it one of the most hurtful, cruelest things that you can do to someone. I say run , RUN as fast as you can.
raerae

Australia

#71 Mar 31, 2011
I have read all of the posts here and all i can say is what a load of crap! All of this bipolar bashing is totally uncalled for! Just because you have one bad relationship does not necessarily mean that all people with bipolar are that way! I have bipolar 1 and i am nothing like what is described in these posts! A majority of people with bipolar are medicated and there is a small percentage that are not and are in denial. When you attach that stigma to all of us that is totally uncalled for. I have a great relationship with my kids with plenty of affection and love bestowed upon them,i take my medication religiously, i dont drink, i dont do drugs, i smoke ciggies but thats about it i am not in debt, i actually handle the money in my household, i am not selfish, i am not self opinionated, i am not in denial and i have a great self esteem, i dont need constant reassurance that i am wanted and i certainly dont lie or am i manipulative. My partner and i have a great relationship and we have been together for quite some time. We are very affectionate with each other and can talk to one another about anything and everything. I told him from the start what was the go with me and gave him a chance to back out if he couldnt handle it. We hardly ever argue and when we do its about "normal" couple things. I can take criticism, and when i start to go a bit funny either he tells me or i know and i ring the appropriate people to be monitored. I can hold down a job, my last one was 5 years, the one before 10 years. I have been in a relationship where he was an alcoholic and used to beat me. Does that mean that i have the right to call every man that has a beer a wife beating alcoholic? I have been in a relationship with a drug addict that used to verbally and mentally abuse me. Does that mean that i have the right to call any person that has the occasional joint or the occasional line a druggie that is mentally and verbally abusive? I have seen "normal" people drink and gamble their money away while their children are waiting at the door in a pair of shorts, nothing else in the middle of winter, asking their parents for a few dollars for something to eat and their parents telling them to [email protected]#$ off! We hear every day about some horrendous acts that "normal" people bestow upon their fellow man. I have seen "normal" people that would steal the last dollar from their dying father if they could. Relationships break down for a number of reasons and to blame it on the one thing is unfair. Yes you do get some bipolar people that dont take their meds, are in denial and are just plain nasty but that is only a small percentage of them. If the person was a fair dinkum prick, instead of putting up with it and allowing it to happen you should have just walked out. By staying in the relationship and not doing anything about it is basically telling the person that their behaviour is ok. Alot of the time it isnt just the bipolar that is causing this behaviour its just the person is a self centred prick and using the excuse that it is because of bipolar is just a cop out. Most of the time a failed relationship is not one sided. Fair enough if your doing all the work but then you are assuming a caretaker role. You are supposed to be an equal with your partner, not a parent. As i said, just because you have had one failed relationship with one person with bipolar does not give you the right to assume that all people with bipolar are like them. I have seen "normal" people act crazier than me. We are not to blame by what we have. We did not ask for this condition, we are trying to lose the stigma that is attached to it and its people like you that just keep that stigma going. By the sounds of the original post, your relationship has just ended and you are hurting, we all say nasty things when relationships fail but have a look from our side too. We face alot more challenges than you emotionally but a majority of us do not take it out on the ones that we love.

Since: Dec 10

Arana Hills, Australia

#72 Mar 31, 2011
raerae

why are you on here then... if you have nothing to complain about !!!!!
raerae

Australia

#73 Mar 31, 2011
I have a right to express my opinion too and when its a post about what you should know about dating bipoar people it doesnt automatically give you the right to slag all people off that have bipolar. Sure alot of these people have had one bad experience dating a bipolar person but the point that i am making is that only a small fraction of people with bipolar are very hard people to have a relationship with. This is an ifo post about dating people that have bipoar. Well people have a right to see the good side of it and what a relationship is like with a person who has bipolar, who is stable, and who takes medication. It is a completely different relationship all together than the ones that have been described. I am merely pointing out the difference between a person who can take responsibility for their mental illness and manage it properly as opposed to the ones that do not. Plus the fact that i am sick to death of the stigma that is attatched to it, thanks to these pork chops that wont take responsibility or seek help from professionals concerning their mental illness. Its people like them that give us the bad name.

Since: Dec 10

Arana Hills, Australia

#74 Mar 31, 2011
raerae
I think you are posting on the wrong site then ...because nobody here wants to hear how great bipolar is.. after they have all been burnt at the stake by a bipolar
understand this its not all of you ..but most of you that lie ,cheat and abuse and wreck our innocent lives ..am glad you have spoken your mind but maybe you may find more understanding on another site ...
raerae

Australia

#75 Mar 31, 2011
Have a read of the other posts written by people with bipolar and you will see that it is not just me that is writing in defence of the good ones. As i previously stated this is a post about being in a relationship with a person with bipolar, not i want to warn the world of my bad experience with a person who has bipolar and that they are psychotic, scary people. I am a member of many sites that dont warn people off having a relationship with people with bipolar. I am not the only one here that has spoken in favour of it so its no use just commenting on my posts. That last reply would not have been written had you not have specifically commented about it.
why me

Fitchburg, MA

#76 Apr 3, 2011
I will have to say that I have no problem warning people to beware of people with bipolar. I have gone through hell with my wife that is bipolar. And I mean hell. I also have a very close friend who is going through the same. I find it hard to except that a perfect bipolar relationship exists. If I could turn the clock back, I know someone I would have not married. The best of it all is that everything is my fault. Including the reason for her having two affairs. My wife just feels like she is the perfect woman. I just can't wait for the divorce to be finalized and to move on with my life. I just hope the next guy she hooks up with can see more than I did. It just goes to show, love is blind.

Since: Dec 10

Arana Hills, Australia

#77 Apr 3, 2011
why me
believe me the next guy she hooks up with will allow you to move on from the constant nightmare that is bipolar torture .
the next guy she finds ..well we both know this wont work out either ..how can it ..as soon as the seduction period wanes and she is left with the reality ..she will start on him ..you will be long gone , maybe even with someone new and she will be a thing of the past ..but always remember they rarely let go of you ..so after this next thing turns to shit ..guess who she will come looking for ?? with all the promises of undying love !!
all I can say is DONT go there ..I did and it cost me financially again BIG time ...walk / run away and dont look back ..your love wasnt blind my friend you were conned just like me .
My 2nd BP relationship

Waianae, HI

#78 Apr 3, 2011
raerae, I really respect what you wrote. I don't agree with Bitterbabe that everyone here wants to vent and complain. Some of us want to hear that it can work out, and want that truth to come from someone who is bipolar and stable, able to admit the challenges of the disorder (indeed that a disorder does exist) and get proper treatment! That is fantastic news! While my relationships did not work (they did not seek treatment and remained depressed incessantly), I have a young nephew who is intelligent and talented but very likely has inherited the disorder from his untreated dad. I'd like to know that with proper guidance and treatment, he CAN function well, be stable, and end up in a good relationship.

Some people in this post are just really bitter and only want to use this as a forum to vent. But you are correct. It says, "Dating Bipolar People- What you should know." Thank you for making the effort to present this side as well.
sb_maitland

United States

#79 Apr 4, 2011
Thanks for all your posting your stories. I see so many similarities in all the relationships. Thank you Julie XOXO, I feel for you. My situation is very close to yours, the main exception is that I only dated this girl 10 months. The first 3 months were great, she made me feel like the king of the world. Then came seeing dust in coffee, the government sending subminal messages through the TV, people accusing her of being a child molestor(which is not true), they were imaginary people, I could go on. Sneaking out to buy crack cocaine, lying about it, infedelity and telling my that I was the one cheating on her(which is not true).

I am sad becuase I still love the person who I thought I met. I have reached out to contact her for a month now, email, voice mail, texting, facebook, flowers, it is like she dropped off the planet. I hate her, then I love her, I feel guilty like it is my fault for not being able to help her. I go from I do not ever want to hear from her again to please let her call me.

I am lucky in one regard, at least it has not gone on for years for me, it hurts, but time will fix that. I am still at the point that if she called I may even take her back. I keep a list of the 20 most vile things that she has done to me and when I think of being with her, it makes me not want her, but it is only temporary, this is the only way I know to cope with this.

I am not trying to be judgemental, I know it is NOT their fault for being BP and delsuional. But for the life of me I cannot understand why some will not help themselves, take their meds like they should, refrain from alcohol and drugs, but I just don't know, I have not walked in thier shoes either, it is just so sad.
Jamanne

Lebanon, PA

#80 Apr 8, 2011
I agree with JulieX0X0 she said everything so well. I married a man in my 50's knowing he was BP and on meds. I thought if he was on meds that made him normal-not true. I have been through hell. I am a kind, compassionate loving person. After we were married he began being extremely verbally/emotionally abusive to me and blaming me for his verbal abuse. He would only do this when we were alone but later he started it in front of my kids and even including them in the abusiveness. I started keeping a diary and realized I could count on him getting angry every 10-14 days and staying in a bad mood for about 10 days. He became enraged over the littlest things. He yelled and called me awful names and put me down. If I cried, he would say I was being a victim. There was no empathy or compassion from him. He would wake me up in the middle of the nite to yell at me if he was in a mood. I learned not to sleep with him if he was angry or ride in the car with him because he would drive so fast and yell at me. He would also sulk and not answer a simple question like " Will you be home for supper?" He would leave and not tell me where he was going but he always came back at nite. He was also cruel to me: leaving when a special family dinner was planned, turning on all the overhead lights in the bedroom at 2 am so he could "read", cancelling plans with friends because he said I had to pay a consequence. He ruined every holiday and vacation we had together. He wanted all of my time and attention keeping me from my friends and family. He would get upset if I made phone calls because he said i could be spending that time with him. He was so controlling and everything had to be his way. In between these times he would be extra nice and that confused me. I thought it would not happen again but it did. My kids and I were walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. When he started being physical with me...walking into me with his body, shoulder butting me in the breast, elbowing me when I was sleeping, raising a fist at me across the room I was afraid of how far it might go. he never admitted to doing any of those things. If I could have I would have filed for a PFA but I waited too long. I realized through reading the close tie between verbal abuse and physical abuse. When would he hit me or worse? My friends and extended family were afraid for our safety. We didnt feel safe anymore in our house. I asked him to get help 3 x and he refused. He finally moved out in the fall and we are separated now after only 2 yrs of marriage. The peace is so wonderful but my heart aches with sadness over what could have been. He says he has changed now but I know he has not. It is a temporary passing "promo" to win me back so he can try to control me again. I pray for him but I know I cannot live my life this way. Please listen to what Julie wrote and what I wrote and be safe.
Mike

Seymour, IN

#81 Apr 8, 2011
This post is prejudicial and extremely insulting to the mentally ill, you should be ashamed of yourself.

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