Should she stay or go?

[Cassie]

I have a friend whose husband is BP. She is loyal to a fault to her husband and is trying to save the marriage so the child doesn't grow up without his father. But the stress is mountiing. She is basically alone in rearing the child. The father spends time with his 18 month old, but on his terms. He quit his job due to stress (a historical trait) without telling her in the process losing all insurance coverage. Three months later he gets another job, she returns to work, but has to wait another three months for insurance to kick in. No insurance=no meds for bipolarism. Mood swings which were there with the meds pop up more. Before the child was born she would deal with it, but now sees that the priority is no longer just her.

He has thrown things at her in front of the child, gone into fits of uncontrollable anger, but no physical abuse thank God. She loves him, but not in love anymore. She values family and marriage, but doesn't want to risk her child getting hurt or witnessing two spouses fighting.

I feel she has given him many chances. He may be BP, but it doesn't excuse him from shirking his responsibilities as he runs to a friends house 2-3 times a week to do God knows what instead of providing a much needed break for his wife and spending quality time with his child. It seems as though he wants to see the child on his own terms when it is convenient for him.

Since the loss of the insurance he has used valium to keep things mellow and has recently began drinking beer again. My friend now has no confidence in leaving her child with him alone for any period of time as she does not trust him.

I claim that while he may be BP, the disease does not preclude him from being a father in that he could spend time at home rather than go to a buddies house to do whatever it is he does there.

She has asked for a divorce twice and was told that she couldn't afford one and that he would commit suicide if it happened. He recently told her that he's sorry and that they would be better off if he weren't alive. She knows he's sick and wants to help. I'm afraid that she keeps giving him chances and he knows that she'll never leave. I'm also afraid that he would never intentionally hurt her or the child, that the rage could accidently harm one or both, or perhaps even worse.

I know she wants this to finish nicely, but the past history of his behavior going back five years shows that even with the medication, the cycle has been constant. I hope and pray she nor her child get hurt here. Any advice?

[reg]

..run.

[dentec]

I too say RUN ! Run like your ass is on fire ! this man has many problems Drugs, Alcohol not taking Meds { you can get meds free } and I see some Codependent Behavior, she has no control over what he does or doesn't do but she can control herself and take care of the children, he has to become self aware and take care of himself before he can take care of her and the children.She has to think about #1 herself and #2 the children {#2 won't happen without #1 just wanted to make that clear }

[Cassie]

odependence is quite evident in this case. It's been the history since the problems began 4-5 years ago. She has even admitted that most of their marriage it's been like the two of them against the world. He saved her from going down the wrong path, he went down the wrong path and she dealt with it. I can understand it. He is all she's known for the past 20 years. The comfort level is high. But she realizes that the priorities have changed and that the child is of the utmost importance.

She doesn't want to leave but has made contingencies with a lawyer if the situation worsens. To what degree it has to worsen, I don't know. She's trying to give him every opportunity to get better (he has an appointment in a couple of weeks to see a real psychiatrist, not a nurse practitioner as he did 4 years ago).

From what she told me, the valium is no longer present as she is the one who supplied it to keep the mood swings in check. The beer drinking appeared out of nowhere after an absence of a couple of years and although not a 6-pack a night, the mere fact that the sudden appearance and usage appeared at all and continues is a bit alarming IMO. But maybe it keeps him lucid and keeps the edge off. Who knows. What I do know based on past history is that while he has been on good behavior now for about three weeks, it is surely not going to last. I don't think it will last even after he goes to a psychiatrist because I don't think he'll stick with the program and take the meds as prescribed. I also don't think it is entirely a medical issue either. I don't know if a BP person has to have all the symptoms I've read on some forums. He is not hypersexual, and he is not one to go on spending sprees. He does shut himself down, but that could be because of the beer. She says he seems distant sometimes. After his latest episode three weeks ago in which he picked up the child and screamed at her for throwing something at him (something she saw him do to her mother a few weeks previously), he cried to my friend and begged forgiveness and promised to get help.

I don't know, I think while he may have some symptoms that he (and perhaps she) uses BP as a crutch to hide his true self. It is so easy to mask one's behavior that comes natural as some mental illness if you know you can get away with it.

Either way I think she needs to get out. She is not happy being married to him, but he is the father of her child. She doesn't want to take that away. But she will not jeopardize her child's safety (and hers to a lesser degree). She is afraid of what will happen if she leaves, but as I told her, it's a lot easier to leave now before the child gets too old to really break up a "family". I stayed for the sake of my son but it was too late to leave. I did what I thought was the right thing at much sacrifice to myself. Sometimes it's better for all to divest the marriage that is hurting. If she is to make the child happy, she has to be in a happy place herself, lest she be with a man she doesn't love for the next 16 years.

[dentec]

I think that pretty much covers it , now get the friend to read this.