Do they still love you even though they keep leaving?

Posted in the Bipolar Disorder Forum

First Prev
of 3
Next Last
Soconfused

Spring, TX

#1 Apr 23, 2011
My bf of a year and a half just left again last week. He told me upfront when we met that he was BP. I was understanding but had no idea what I had in store for me. We dated for about 4 months and then one night he was staying with me I woke up at 2am and he was gone. He sent me an email saying that I am just not the one. He cut off all contact with me. But I heard through mutual friends and Facebook he had a new girl every week. He is a huge flirt and told me I just had to deal with that. Three months after our break up I had some health issues and we started talking again. He would spend weekends with me helping me out etc. and we grew close again.

Two months later we were in love again and he moved in. Things were great! He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. BUT he said he did not believe in monogomy and he was upfront an honest that he would sleep with others but there would be no emotional connections and that he only loved me. I understood that this was part of BP for him and was understanding. He flirted a whole lot but only slept with one person while we were living together. I had a hard time with it but didn't want to lose him. He was wonderful to me, he would do anything for me. And he was upfront with the women he chatted with that he loved me.

Well a couple weeks ago he came to me and said he needed to go out more and party. That staying home and doing the family thing was getting boring. We agreed that he could do that once every other week to satisfy this hunger he had to socialize etc. now I think this was the beginning of a manic episode. The next week we had an argument and he packed a bag and went to his mothers and told me it was over.

A few days later he came over to get a few things and he was loving to me and told me he loved me and missed me. He stayed the night and we had a great night. The next day he told me that he still wanted to spend weekends with me but had to move out and have his freedom. I asked if that meant I was still his gf and he said no. I told him I didn't think I could do it. The next night I see through Facebook he went out with a woman he use to know a long time ago. There were pictures posted of them and she commented how wonderful life was. Two days later we had dinner and drinks and went back to my house (mind you 95% of his things are still here). We had a great night and I asked him about this woman and he told me to stop. I told him I just wanted to know where I stand and what is going on and he just said stop again and then told me he felt guilty for being there and left. The next day he emailed me and told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I emailed back and told him he had a week to get his things. I am not a storage unit for someone who uses me and hates me. He just called me hateful names and called me crazy. Now get this...about 30 minutes later my best friend calls me and tells me he called her while on his way to this other womans house to get with her about planning my 40th bday party next month!!! WTH??? He just told me he didn't want to talk to me again! Do people with BP still love you even though they have this need for sex outside the relationship? From what I have read the leaving and coming back is common with them. I am going through hell. He hasn't made an effort to move his things and that makes me think that he intends on coming back once the mania subsides. Is this normal for them? I am hurting like hell right now and would appreciate any input. BTW he is only on normal antidepressants not a med for bipolar because he says they make him lathargic and he won't take them.
My 2nd BP relationship

Westminster, CA

#2 Apr 24, 2011
I just read your whole story. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for the question you're asking. I've often wondered the same thing. Though I have no story like yours. You were very understanding about the manic/no monogamy part. I've never had to deal with that. This sounds way, way too painful. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I understand holding on to the wonderful side, those amazing moments where they make you feel so special. But is it really worth all this back and forth? Are we together or not? I'm sure someone else will respond to you. It will be interesting to see their answers.
pammie

Barrie, Canada

#3 Apr 24, 2011
Soconfused wrote:
My bf of a year and a half just left again last week. He told me upfront when we met that he was BP. I was understanding but had no idea what I had in store for me. We dated for about 4 months and then one night he was staying with me I woke up at 2am and he was gone. He sent me an email saying that I am just not the one. He cut off all contact with me. But I heard through mutual friends and Facebook he had a new girl every week. He is a huge flirt and told me I just had to deal with that. Three months after our break up I had some health issues and we started talking again. He would spend weekends with me helping me out etc. and we grew close again.
Two months later we were in love again and he moved in. Things were great! He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. BUT he said he did not believe in monogomy and he was upfront an honest that he would sleep with others but there would be no emotional connections and that he only loved me. I understood that this was part of BP for him and was understanding. He flirted a whole lot but only slept with one person while we were living together. I had a hard time with it but didn't want to lose him. He was wonderful to me, he would do anything for me. And he was upfront with the women he chatted with that he loved me.
Well a couple weeks ago he came to me and said he needed to go out more and party. That staying home and doing the family thing was getting boring. We agreed that he could do that once every other week to satisfy this hunger he had to socialize etc. now I think this was the beginning of a manic episode. The next week we had an argument and he packed a bag and went to his mothers and told me it was over.
A few days later he came over to get a few things and he was loving to me and told me he loved me and missed me. He stayed the night and we had a great night. The next day he told me that he still wanted to spend weekends with me but had to move out and have his freedom. I asked if that meant I was still his gf and he said no. I told him I didn't think I could do it. The next night I see through Facebook he went out with a woman he use to know a long time ago. There were pictures posted of them and she commented how wonderful life was. Two days later we had dinner and drinks and went back to my house (mind you 95% of his things are still here). We had a great night and I asked him about this woman and he told me to stop. I told him I just wanted to know where I stand and what is going on and he just said stop again and then told me he felt guilty for being there and left. The next day he emailed me and told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I emailed back and told him he had a week to get his things. I am not a storage unit for someone who uses me and hates me. He just called me hateful names and called me crazy. Now get this...about 30 minutes later my best friend calls me and tells me he called her while on his way to this other womans house to get with her about planning my 40th bday party next month!!! WTH??? He just told me he didn't want to talk to me again! Do people with BP still love you even though they have this need for sex outside the relationship? From what I have read the leaving and coming back is common with them. I am going through hell. He hasn't made an effort to move his things and that makes me think that he intends on coming back once the mania subsides. Is this normal for them? I am hurting like hell right now and would appreciate any input. BTW he is only on normal antidepressants not a med for bipolar because he says they make him lathargic and he won't take them.

Hi check out my story in bipolar destroyed marriages. Yes him and I still together but if you want a realtionship,I know this is hard if you wana . where he and you both get different partners.He may agree with it or not???
Jamanne

Lebanon, PA

#4 Apr 24, 2011
Soconfused, it is confusing when they do this. You have to decide what you can live with and what is best for you. I understand the feeling of how special they can make you feel and how loved they can make you feel. It is incredible! It keeps you there tolerating things you would never tolerate with someone else. My BP husband was verbally abusive and scary but in between those times he was wonderful and loving. I would hope this time he meant the words he said and life would be different. But it was always only temporary. It grew into that I could not relax because I knew in a matter of weeks he would be awful to me again. And in time, for me, a wall came up because I had to protect my heart or potentially be destoyed as a person by having my hopes ruined again and again.
If the scenario you describe is not how you can live your life, then turn your back on the times he makes you feel wonderful and move on with your life. And believe me I know that it is not easy because I am living it as I go through a divorce.
Soconfused

Spring, TX

#5 Apr 24, 2011
He won't talk to me. Even though he wants to plan a party for me. I am so scared that he is happy with this new girl and I will never hear from him again other than to get his things. Is it best to just leave him alone even though you want to make it work?
Soconfused

Spring, TX

#6 Apr 24, 2011
Pammie, I read your posts. The open relationship is what we were trying. Although I only wanted him. Although I tried very hard it still bothered me sometimes and it showed. That is why he left. But now in reading more about it etc. I understand his need has nothing to do with loving me or not. He can't help it. What do you think is the best way to tell him I understand now and want to try to make it work?
pammie

Barrie, Canada

#7 Apr 24, 2011
Soconfused wrote:
Pammie, I read your posts. The open relationship is what we were trying. Although I only wanted him. Although I tried very hard it still bothered me sometimes and it showed. That is why he left. But now in reading more about it etc. I understand his need has nothing to do with loving me or not. He can't help it. What do you think is the best way to tell him I understand now and want to try to make it work?
It sounds he really loves you if he keeps going back to you.It may because you understand him and what he his needs are!! With Bi polar they have to want alot of sex and finding that way with you and others is the only way he can feel wanted or love.
Its like that with my bf andI .I looked always for to others to be feel loved through sex.
Accept him and ask him , would you consider becoming swingers ,but its gotta be open, honest, nonjealous and trusting relationship.My bf and I find it that way.He can see that you will be with other guys to get the enjoyment that he does but you tell him as you are doing this ,you will be going home with him!!!I know this is hard if you can't do this but ask him , give it a try.Always remember Safe sex!!!
pammie

Barrie, Canada

#8 Apr 24, 2011
Soconfused wrote:
My bf of a year and a half just left again last week. He told me upfront when we met that he was BP. I was understanding but had no idea what I had in store for me. We dated for about 4 months and then one night he was staying with me I woke up at 2am and he was gone. He sent me an email saying that I am just not the one. He cut off all contact with me. But I heard through mutual friends and Facebook he had a new girl every week. He is a huge flirt and told me I just had to deal with that. Three months after our break up I had some health issues and we started talking again. He would spend weekends with me helping me out etc. and we grew close again.
Two months later we were in love again and he moved in. Things were great! He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. BUT he said he did not believe in monogomy and he was upfront an honest that he would sleep with others but there would be no emotional connections and that he only loved me. I understood that this was part of BP for him and was understanding. He flirted a whole lot but only slept with one person while we were living together. I had a hard time with it but didn't want to lose him. He was wonderful to me, he would do anything for me. And he was upfront with the women he chatted with that he loved me.
Well a couple weeks ago he came to me and said he needed to go out more and party. That staying home and doing the family thing was getting boring. We agreed that he could do that once every other week to satisfy this hunger he had to socialize etc. now I think this was the beginning of a manic episode. The next week we had an argument and he packed a bag and went to his mothers and told me it was over.
A few days later he came over to get a few things and he was loving to me and told me he loved me and missed me. He stayed the night and we had a great night. The next day he told me that he still wanted to spend weekends with me but had to move out and have his freedom. I asked if that meant I was still his gf and he said no. I told him I didn't think I could do it. The next night I see through Facebook he went out with a woman he use to know a long time ago. There were pictures posted of them and she commented how wonderful life was. Two days later we had dinner and drinks and went back to my house (mind you 95% of his things are still here). We had a great night and I asked him about this woman and he told me to stop. I told him I just wanted to know where I stand and what is going on and he just said stop again and then told me he felt guilty for being there and left. The next day he emailed me and told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I emailed back and told him he had a week to get his things. I am not a storage unit for someone who uses me and hates me. He just called me hateful names and called me crazy. Now get this...about 30 minutes later my best friend calls me and tells me he called her while on his way to this other womans house to get with her about planning my 40th bday party next month!!! WTH??? He just told me he didn't want to talk to me again! Do people with BP still love you even though they have this need for sex outside the relationship? From what I have read the leaving and coming back is common with them. I am going through hell. He hasn't made an effort to move his things and that makes me think that he intends on coming back once the mania subsides. Is this normal for them? I am hurting like hell right now and would appreciate any input. BTW he is only on normal antidepressants not a med for bipolar because he says they make him lathargic and he won't take them.
Add me to msn pamella43@hotmail.com we can chat there or facebook Pam Armstrong ,Barrie ON Canada
bitterbabe

Brisbane, Australia

#9 Apr 24, 2011
pammie & so confused
if you want to be a roll over and a doormat for someone who in wipes the floor with you just so you can say you are in a relationship and sooooo in love and that works for you then you are seriously in a delusional existence...I wouldnt suggest offering this advice to others who are struggling to come to terms with a narcissitic bipolar partner who is abusing the privaledges of a decent person to derive benefit for their own distorted sexual behaviour . I mean Pleeeez do u really think this bipolar guy loves you ?? whilst he is screwing someone else and coming back to you ...how the hell do you think this is suitable advice...sure it works for you because u r just as sick as the sicko you are hanging out with ..one day he will leave you for someone he really thinks he has fallen for ..for the moment and your advice becomes a throw away line that doesnt work for you anymore ...its ok to be in an open relationship if you dont have a relationship at all ..thats where you are at ...its not a relationship its a sick game that you are both playing until it gets dangerous, then someone is really going to get hurt .
pammie

Barrie, Canada

#10 Apr 25, 2011
If you read my post ,Iam as well Bi polar and everything you said about him Iam as well.We are so similar in alot of ways !!My physiachirst knows all about my relatonship so whatever she advsises me I listen but she tells me time will tell!!!
So you didnt understand your spouse and the ways things turn out ,iam sorry to hear that.
Relationships work out in different ways and so whatever h‚ppens to us , we make what it out to be!!
kathy

UK

#11 Apr 30, 2011
totolly agree, I loved a BP guy,
still do but letting him keep coming and going is not a relationship, you can have fun together in lots of different ways
and still be faithful, the hurt i have felt from my fella, is frightening and destroying to the human sole , do not let anybody do that to you, otherwise you will lose yourself
kathy

UK

#12 Apr 30, 2011
this is were i should of put my post not below..
totally agree, I loved a BP guy,
still do but letting him keep coming and going is not a relationship, you can have fun together in lots of different ways
and still be faithful, the hurt i have felt from my fella, is frightening and destroying to the human sole , do not let anybody do that to you, otherwise you will lose yourself
kathy

UK

#13 Apr 30, 2011
wanted my post under Bitersweet !
bitterbabe

Brisbane, Australia

#14 Apr 30, 2011
pammie & kathy
my ex bp had narcissitic tendencies and histrionic as well as Borderline , he was Bipolar 11 ..he never took any medication but smoked weed everyday as a forem of anti psychotic . He was delusional and opportunistic but rarely violent , he could have been but mainly chanelled his madness into rage and psychotic driving episodes. he never changes in the complete time I was with him which was 10 years on and off more off then on ...he ran away all the time , blamed me for everything that happened to him ...was xtra nice to strangers whilst abusing me behind closed doors . His delusional behaviour was so severe , he thought the world was out to get him . I really tried to understand he wasnt well and I did as much as I could to help in many ways , but really the infidelity was the thing that crushed me ...in the end during our time together he had run off to go and live with 10 different women and personally slept with 20 that I know of ..he was an opportunist that was out to get what he could from anyone he thought had something he could take advantage of , then when it didnt work he would coming running back to me declaring undying love .
sad but true I did fall in love with this man , the true person I thought he was when I met him which was not him anyway as I came to understand .
it really didnt matter how nice I was to him , how awful our disagreements were how totally psycho he was , his behaviour never changed to allow me to love him anought to want to keep taking the abuse
my self esteem was so badly eroded it continued to affect any new relationship I attempted to have for a long time ..yes you can recover from these relationships with a bp but it does take time ..they do want to come back to you and will if you let them with all the promises , but the behaviour especially with narcissistic and bipolar together unless you have clear boundaries in place will never change ...they will continue to cheat and lie and be unfaithful . sorry but this is how they seem to be ..medication can help but rarely for long enough ...
pammie

Barrie, Canada

#15 Apr 30, 2011
bitterbabe wrote:
pammie & so confused
if you want to be a roll over and a doormat for someone who in wipes the floor with you just so you can say you are in a relationship and sooooo in love and that works for you then you are seriously in a delusional existence...I wouldnt suggest offering this advice to others who are struggling to come to terms with a narcissitic bipolar partner who is abusing the privaledges of a decent person to derive benefit for their own distorted sexual behaviour . I mean Pleeeez do u really think this bipolar guy loves you ?? whilst he is screwing someone else and coming back to you ...how the hell do you think this is suitable advice...sure it works for you because u r just as sick as the sicko you are hanging out with ..one day he will leave you for someone he really thinks he has fallen for ..for the moment and your advice becomes a throw away line that doesnt work for you anymore ...its ok to be in an open relationship if you dont have a relationship at all ..thats where you are at ...its not a relationship its a sick game that you are both playing until it gets dangerous, then someone is really going to get hurt .
Please check out your original forum bi polar destroys marriage.
Sandy

Colorado Springs, CO

#16 May 11, 2011
soconfussed, My goodness your story is similar to mine. I am actually married to my BP husband 4yrs now. When we met he was perfect to me. Loving ,carring,giving.Very loyal. 6 months after marriage he was diagnosed BP. Everything that I knew about him had changed. He has left me 3 times in 3 yrs. Pornography addiction and in public forget it he Lusts over any woman. Especially 18 -25yr old woman. In your case letting your BF go with others. I never would have allowed that. So mad kudos to you for that one. But let me say the Porn, and always looking for someone better than what they have will never change. I am currently trying to remove myself from this damned relationship. As for the Love that you ask about. All I can say is that my husband says that he will never love another as he has me. I do beleive they love and love deeply, when the find their real love. But they do forget in time as we all do. We wouldn't do the things that they have done to us, to them or someone else. Why should we take the things they do to us. We are worth more than that.
Bi-polar

London, KY

#17 May 30, 2011
You will notice that almost all of the posts are from people dogging others who are bi-polar disorder instead of people with this disorder.

Are we the only people that lie, get angry, rage, cheat? No, not by a long shot. If that were true 95% of the population would be bi-polar. But some of you seam to use this disorder to deflect the blame completely away from you. Are you willing to say that you are completely innocent and that the person that who has the illness is totally to blame? How long did you know this person before you made a commitment?

We don't change, we cycle from high to low. If a bi-polar person was abusive when you first got into the relationship, it is just like any other relationship. They will continue to be. We don't play mind games, we have to deal with our mind playing games.

When a person tells you they are bi-polar at the beginning, if you are leary, walk away. Don't get involved. If you are smart enough to know what all the the symptoms of someone that have bi-polar disorder entails, then you are smart enough to walk away and not get involved with one of "us".

Most of you make us sound like monsters instead of human beings that hurt as much let me correct that [our lives are constant pain, the nights we stay awake with thoughts running through our head like a room full of people talking to us at once and not being able to sleep for days on end or being so depressed you can't get out of bed]. We already feel like we have no place in the world. You are only confirming that belief.
Bi-polar

London, KY

#18 May 30, 2011
Do you know why we keep leaving? We are not leaving you, we are trying to outrun the pain. It takes yrs. and yrs. of dealing with this disorder to figure out that no matter how hard you run, it is going with you.
ash

Minneapolis, MN

#19 Apr 18, 2012
bi-polar,

will you plz email plz I want ur insight and understanding of this!. edmondson26@hotmail.com
bi-polar pain

Fordyce, AR

#20 Apr 18, 2012
Bi-polar wrote:
Do you know why we keep leaving? We are not leaving you, we are trying to outrun the pain. It takes yrs. and yrs. of dealing with this disorder to figure out that no matter how hard you run, it is going with you.


I am in my eighth week of a mixed manic episode. I can't sleep, I can't think a clear thought, complete one thing and this episode is mixed. I am depressed also. My mind is racing but I am depressed, I can not describe the pain. I can't sleep the depression away, I can only let my mind drive me crazy with thoughts of running or dying.

Every moment I survive this episode is a victory for me. Everytime I pass up the medicine cabinet full of pills and don't take them, I have accomplished something great. I have done it for 8 weeks now and I am still fighting. I have not done it for myself though, I have done it for my children. Everytime the thought of ending the pain comes to my mind, I make myself look at their pictures. I make myself think of how they would react if they found my body. That has kept me alive.

We don't run away from anybody, we are trying to run toward something that we can never find here on earth. We are trying to find what others take for granted. We are trying to find peace inside our minds, to rid ourselves of the demons that take over our thoughts and exhaust us.

Has anyone explained how bi-polar mania feels to any of you? Picture yourself being in a room crowded full of people for days and days on end. They are all taunting you or talking to you. You can't get away from them, you can't find any peace of mind. That is why you run, it's not because of lack of love for someone. It's because you are trying to find a place to find peace from all those demons. To be able to think one thought at a time and think it through. It has nothing to do with other indivuals. A bi-polar person is living in their own private hell when they are manic or depressed. Their first instinct is that of a wounded animal, run!

I am a fifty-one year old mother of two. I have bi-polar disorder. My husband does not understand it. I feel all alone in the hugh world. I am old enough and have suffered enough to tell all of you people with bi-polar disorder love others the same as anyone else. We don't run from the people we love, we run from the demons inside our heads. Yes, there are medications. I take mine faithfully, but once an episode desides to take over there is no stopping it.

We are human. Not monsters. The monsters were put in our brains, we don't want them. If you don't have this disorder, you are blessed. You can leave the person that does, no matter how hard, how far or how many times we run, we always take it with us. There is only one way we will ever distroy our demon.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 3
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Bipolar Disorder Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Dating Bipolar People - What you should Know (Mar '10) 18 hr Crazy101 481
Unable to cut ties with bi polar ex 18 hr Crazy101 22
Screwed up Wed Hunteraugust 17
Using psychotropic drugs and what you need to know Wed hunterjuly 1
psychiatric drugs and chemical warfare on humans Wed hunterjuly 1
Girlfriend didn't tell me she has manic bipolar (Jan '14) Wed hunterjuly 25
My Bipolar Ex "i loved you because i was on meds" Jan 27 DealingWithIt 2
More from around the web