Living with a recovering alcoholic
stephi

United States

#283 Jul 13, 2012
My husband. Got his first dui in October of last year and had sworn off alcohol only for me to find out he had started drinking again, he was in his second wreck April 16th of this year. He tore his aorta, broke his femur in 6 places and cracked a few ribs. He has started going to church, he talks to me more and I can see a genuine difference in him, but this morning there was an open bottle of nyquill in the bathroom. He used to take it to fall asleep, I'm worried that it could cause a relapse :(
Sandy

Citrus Heights, CA

#284 Jul 24, 2012
I'm dealing with the exact same thing, my husband is 45 days sober and I'm happy he's quit drinking but he has developed a sarcastic sense of humor and it can be quite demeaning at times; he was abusive when he drank and I'm just wondering if this is how that side of him is surfacing now .. he may be forced by court order to take anger management classes on top of the AA ones he's started on his own - I'm hoping it'll help ..
Lynn wrote:
<quoted text>
No Denise, I'm not a drinker. I'm just finding that living with a recovering alcoholic isn't much easier than living with an active alcoholic. He's still moody, and reclusive, and has actually developed some new habits, like sarcasm. I was wondering if other people living with recovering alcoholics had the same experiences, and if they had any ideas for me.

Since: Dec 09

Location hidden

#285 Aug 23, 2012
Sandy wrote:
I'm dealing with the exact same thing, my husband is 45 days sober and I'm happy he's quit drinking but he has developed a sarcastic sense of humor and it can be quite demeaning at times; he was abusive when he drank and I'm just wondering if this is how that side of him is surfacing now .. he may be forced by court order to take anger management classes on top of the AA ones he's started on his own - I'm hoping it'll help ..
<quoted text>
sounds like a complete jerk.
going through court-mandated anything is a bad time. it makes people miserable. thats why he is being a jerk. but. he's being a jerk. theres no reason he should take it out on you.

Since: Dec 09

Location hidden

#286 Aug 23, 2012
stephi wrote:
My husband. Got his first dui in October of last year and had sworn off alcohol only for me to find out he had started drinking again, he was in his second wreck April 16th of this year. He tore his aorta, broke his femur in 6 places and cracked a few ribs. He has started going to church, he talks to me more and I can see a genuine difference in him, but this morning there was an open bottle of nyquill in the bathroom. He used to take it to fall asleep, I'm worried that it could cause a relapse :(
i don't understand why you feel the need to spill the beans on the poor guy.
alright. your husband needs to quit DRIVING!!! let him have his booze and nyquil, just take his car keys away.

Since: Dec 09

Location hidden

#287 Aug 23, 2012
techiemama wrote:
I am back together with my son's father who is in the maintenance stage of chemical dependency. He has been sober for about 5 years now. He is working on his degree and wants to work with others who have been chemically dependent. It isn't easy all the time but I have decided that it's part of the equation and I get to choose whether I want to be in this relationship or not.
I have weighed the pros and the cons. Pros: he loves me, he helps with the housework, he loves our son, he communicates with me fairly well, we have similar goals, he works hard. Cons: he gets upset rather easily, tends to isolate, at times tries to control me, has some ego issues.
All in all, I am better in this relationship than I was alone. As long as he continues to maintain, I don't see why we can't be happy together. He started out with AA, group counseling, individual therapy and faith in God. He no longer attends meetings or counseling, but he has his faith. He has made a lot of great changes in the past five years. While I realize there is always a risk of relapse, I have decided to take that risk with him. If he places me in a position that is unhealthy, I believe I have the strength to get out until he makes necessary changes - however long that may be.
Of course there is the little nagging fear in the back of my mind that he may use again - and ruin the life we are building together. Unfortunately there are no guarantees.
Any similar experiences?
I had a similar experience. The morale of the story is if you can't get along with a person when you're drunk, you sure as hell aren't gonna get along sober. EN VINO VERITAS!
I proposed to my baby's mama that we do a my 2 dads thing except its my mom and my dad. I was like, I don't really care for you at all except I really want to be in the family. And I want our child to have 2 parents in house, whether they like each other or not. She didn't dig the idea.
My priorities were kid first, relationship second. Hers were herself and herself.

Since: Dec 09

Location hidden

#288 Aug 23, 2012
I wish I could edit. She and I were friendly, I just had no more romantic interest in her. She did unforgivable things.
CJD

Cranston, RI

#289 Aug 30, 2012
I am the wife of recovering alcoholic. My husband has been sober for 7 months. I thought things wold be better now that he is sober but that's not the case. He is still judgemental, sarcastic and moody. He is on medication which has helped some buut I feel like I have to defend myself all the time. He told me that I had no rite to call him an alcholic only he can. He said he goes to AA because no one judges him. I feel that we are more distant now with each other than when he was drunk. In January of this year I couldn't take it anymore. I would come home from work everyday and have to deal with the kids becasue their father would pick fights with them and become verbally abusive. My daughter left the house because she ahd a fight with her father. I could not find her so I called the cops. They wanted to know why she ran away. This is not the first time they have been to the house. I am paying for it now becasue I called the cops and had him arrested becasue I was tired him being drunk. He went to rehab and was able to come back home once the court said he could. I find myslef walking on eggshells all time afraid that if I say something wrong it will set him off. I have seen some change in him. His motto is I have to look out fro myself and worry about my happiness. What about your family's happiness? He said that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He has started to talk with an old girlfriend and I confronted him about this. He said that she doesn't judge and he can be himslef around her. Well she drinks and said he is trying to get her to go to AA with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have a daughter in highschool and son who started college. I feel so alone and sad all the time. Any suggestions on how to get through this would be appreciated.

Since: Dec 09

Location hidden

#290 Nov 17, 2012
CJD wrote:
I am the wife of recovering alcoholic. My husband has been sober for 7 months. I thought things wold be better now that he is sober but that's not the case. He is still judgemental, sarcastic and moody. He is on medication which has helped some buut I feel like I have to defend myself all the time. He told me that I had no rite to call him an alcholic only he can. He said he goes to AA because no one judges him. I feel that we are more distant now with each other than when he was drunk. In January of this year I couldn't take it anymore. I would come home from work everyday and have to deal with the kids becasue their father would pick fights with them and become verbally abusive. My daughter left the house because she ahd a fight with her father. I could not find her so I called the cops. They wanted to know why she ran away. This is not the first time they have been to the house. I am paying for it now becasue I called the cops and had him arrested becasue I was tired him being drunk. He went to rehab and was able to come back home once the court said he could. I find myslef walking on eggshells all time afraid that if I say something wrong it will set him off. I have seen some change in him. His motto is I have to look out fro myself and worry about my happiness. What about your family's happiness? He said that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He has started to talk with an old girlfriend and I confronted him about this. He said that she doesn't judge and he can be himslef around her. Well she drinks and said he is trying to get her to go to AA with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have a daughter in highschool and son who started college. I feel so alone and sad all the time. Any suggestions on how to get through this would be appreciated.
Are you better now than before him quitting drinking? Thats the only thing that matters.
Its a very simple cost-benefit analysis.
To get AA's claws out of people takes professional help. They have an allure called the 13th step. They make no mystery about them using sex as the carrot on the stick.

Since: Oct 12

Poznan, Poland

#291 Nov 23, 2012
sometimes it not fault of people.
Read please Mrs Wanda Pratnicka book 'Possessed by Ghosts'
I think you can find there help for him.
Denyce

Monroe, LA

#292 Dec 4, 2012
My girllfriend is a recovering alcoholic and I'm a socialable drinker am I suppose to not drink anymore because of my significant other? I wouldn't dare drink around her but what do you suggest? We've discussed living together so I need to know what or how would you advise me in this situation
TNmatt

Tucker, GA

#293 Dec 14, 2012
Denyce wrote:
My girllfriend is a recovering alcoholic and I'm a socialable drinker am I suppose to not drink anymore because of my significant other? I wouldn't dare drink around her but what do you suggest? We've discussed living together so I need to know what or how would you advise me in this situation
You have to figure that out between you and her ( whats good for her program and your relationship) My husband and I are both in 12 step programs. He's in as and I am in OA ( I am a compulsive overrated and food addict). Luckily, I have no desire to drink and he just eats to live.
Mary

Saint Paul, MN

#294 Dec 16, 2012
Indy 300M wrote:
<quoted text>
If he starts neglecting your needs under such guises as "I need to focus on me and my recovery" then the trouble is really starting. Another sign that will be problematic is if he starts referring to non-AA's as "Earth People or "Normies". At that point, he believes only other AA's can understand him.
I wish more people would check out other options like SMART and Rational Recovery before getting indoctrinated in the 12-step cult.
My husband has been sober 33 days now and he is neglecting my need and focusing only on himself. He hs changed totally and I dont like him very well anymore.
NEVER date Recovering Alc

Selah, WA

#295 Dec 22, 2012
I just got out of a 2 year relationship with a Recovering Alcoholic of 7 years. Everything she did that was often selfish, she said, "Oh, well I have to have things my way or I might drink again" B.S. and "ALcoholism is a 'selfish' disease" according to the big book from AA, so just 'deal with it'. She had a split personality, often being sweet, then FLIP A SWITCH!! NO CONSCIENCE at all...CRUEL SILENT TREATMENTS, and ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY. Everything she did (Like shower in front of her ex-spouse that she's best buddies with) was justified, and any upset reaction on my part was punished. All of her AA friends were all trapped in this cultish thinking of "It's US against THEM" and "you wouldn't understand". REALLY?!? I am a pill-popper and "qualify" for NA, but don't want to be sucked into all of the ME ME ME and "to hell with other people's feelings" because they're outsiders. WE ARE ALL HUMAN. And "AL-ANON"!?!? WORST MEETINGS EVER. THEY TEACH YOU TO SEPARATE EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR AA SPOUSE/LOVER, FOCUS ON IGNORING THE FACT THAT YOUR RA HAS ABANDONED THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND HOW YOU CAN 'COPE'. RIDICULOUS. LAST TIME I CHECKED, WHEN YOU LOVE AND CARE FOR SOMEONE, YOU DON'T SEPARATE YOUR CONNECTION. WARNING: STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM RECOVERING ALKIES... THEY ARE SO S-E-L-F-I-S-H and have an EXCUSE FOR EVERY IMMORAL OR SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR.
Tina

Tomah, WI

#296 Dec 27, 2012
I think the 12 steps work if you ALREADY have a relationship with God. That is how it was for me. Many pastors or clergy do not believe in or support the 12 steps, but its original premise was faith in God to overcome hurts, hang ups and habits. It is toally seclurized now and a person's higher power can be whatever they wish..even a door knob. In this crazy mixed up world full of crazy people like myself I say work the 12 steps if you can. Keeping the focus on myself helps alot. I was raised in an alcoholic home married an alcoholic and now have a son in recovery.
Mike G

Inver Grove Heights, MN

#297 Dec 30, 2012
NEVER date Recovering Alc wrote:
I just got out of a 2 year relationship with a Recovering Alcoholic of 7 years. Everything she did that was often selfish, she said, "Oh, well I have to have things my way or I might drink again" B.S. and "ALcoholism is a 'selfish' disease" according to the big book from AA, so just 'deal with it'. She had a split personality, often being sweet, then FLIP A SWITCH!! NO CONSCIENCE at all...CRUEL SILENT TREATMENTS, and ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY. Everything she did (Like shower in front of her ex-spouse that she's best buddies with) was justified, and any upset reaction on my part was punished. All of her AA friends were all trapped in this cultish thinking of "It's US against THEM" and "you wouldn't understand". REALLY?!? I am a pill-popper and "qualify" for NA, but don't want to be sucked into all of the ME ME ME and "to hell with other people's feelings" because they're outsiders. WE ARE ALL HUMAN. And "AL-ANON"!?!? WORST MEETINGS EVER. THEY TEACH YOU TO SEPARATE EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR AA SPOUSE/LOVER, FOCUS ON IGNORING THE FACT THAT YOUR RA HAS ABANDONED THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND HOW YOU CAN 'COPE'. RIDICULOUS. LAST TIME I CHECKED, WHEN YOU LOVE AND CARE FOR SOMEONE, YOU DON'T SEPARATE YOUR CONNECTION. WARNING: STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM RECOVERING ALKIES... THEY ARE SO S-E-L-F-I-S-H and have an EXCUSE FOR EVERY IMMORAL OR SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR.
I have to disagree with you on the idea that you should never date someone in recovery. I personally have very little experience in dating someone in recovery but I myself am in recovery.MANY of my friends in the programs have met and continue to have long loving relationships with other recovering addicts and alcoholics.
This girl you posted about and her friends are the exception... not the norm.
not sure anymore

Japan

#298 Jan 3, 2013
I've been "married " to a recovering meth/drug addict for the last 4yrs after only knowing him for 1 yr.He went to 6 mos rehab 25yrsago, he is 54 and has a pacemaker for thelast 7-8 yrs.He has been so abusive, aggressiveness and controlling issues. his mom has alzheimers and he and his brothers have spent all of her money , about 300,000 in 9 months.now she cant be put in a home because "someone will go to jail". I have left after having to sleep in my car or hotel when it's his turn to have his mom 2nights a week. he told me he knows where I can sleep with the homeless because he kicks me out when she is there. we have no curtains or furniture...because she tears everything up in those 3 days at the apt. I am not allowed to tell her no because she is #1 and I don't rank.I can't even have a picture on the wall or anything on the counter. I get screamed at if I try to stop her from eating her feces. I have left the island and living in Japan. I cannot take the insanity any longer. Why do I stay in this relationship? I feel sorry for him and I know that I am the only person that has ever cared for him but i'm educated and know better. i feel like I am so crazy for staying as long as I did. By the way, I work a US gov't job in Japan...I just didn't fly the coop. Can anyone feel for me and help me to make the decision to get out of this mess??
not sure anymore

Japan

#299 Jan 3, 2013
to add to my post, he has never supported me finacially. he refuses to have any accts together and the only thing we have together is a marriage certificate. we have no intimacy at all, he refuses to even kiss me and has been this way since we said "I do". which i guess means "i don't".
NEVER date Recovering Alc

Vancouver, WA

#300 Jan 4, 2013
not sure anymore wrote:
I've been "married " to a recovering meth/drug addict for the last 4yrs after only knowing him for 1 yr.He went to 6 mos rehab 25yrsago, he is 54 and has a pacemaker for thelast 7-8 yrs.He has been so abusive, aggressiveness and controlling issues. his mom has alzheimers and he and his brothers have spent all of her money , about 300,000 in 9 months.now she cant be put in a home because "someone will go to jail". I have left after having to sleep in my car or hotel when it's his turn to have his mom 2nights a week. he told me he knows where I can sleep with the homeless because he kicks me out when she is there. we have no curtains or furniture...because she tears everything up in those 3 days at the apt. I am not allowed to tell her no because she is #1 and I don't rank.I can't even have a picture on the wall or anything on the counter. I get screamed at if I try to stop her from eating her feces. I have left the island and living in Japan. I cannot take the insanity any longer. Why do I stay in this relationship? I feel sorry for him and I know that I am the only person that has ever cared for him but i'm educated and know better. i feel like I am so crazy for staying as long as I did. By the way, I work a US gov't job in Japan...I just didn't fly the coop. Can anyone feel for me and help me to make the decision to get out of this mess??
Oh wow sweetie...please somehow build up a way to either find your own place, decent room to rent/roommate, and have nothing to do with him or his 'people' unless they are KIND TO YOU and REALIZE why you are hurting. I admit in my previous ranting about 'never' dating an alcoholic is not always true in every case, there are plenty of nice people that are RA's, I was just frustrated that day. But I will say now, forget whether or not someone is/was an RAlc, the manner in which you are being treated is UNDIGNIFIED, ABUSIVE, DESTRUCTIVE, CRAZY-MAKING, and CRUEL. It just sounds like at least half the time (even 1/3 would be too much) your husband does not consider your well-being equal with his own. A homeless shelter??!? What a horrifying nightmare that would be for anyone to hear. Shelters can be also be dangerous, with theives, or just plain depressing. I used to volunteer at one. There is a major difference between 'nobody's perfect/we are all human' and outrageous ABUSE you are trying to survive. Have you considered 'escaping' to any friend you might know that he doesn't know? Better yet, please google or ask for a domestic violence survivor support group and shelter around there, because they should take you in for free, help you get on your feet, and start over. Can you offer a coworker a bit of rent for a temporary stay while you look for your own place possibly? I just think that there is so much selfish, even evil, energy surrounding you, there is no point in staying. He does not sound like he can be reasoned with whatsoever. That is not your fault. Also, remember that often people stay out of not wanting to be alone (which in your case, would be alot more peaceful!), or if the abuse is mixed with 'some' level of comfort/companionship, then it feels weirder to leave the 'good parts'. But overall, it sounds like these people are destroying your spirit, your overloaded nervous system, and your life. Please protect and take care of yourself. God Bless You and may you find the strength within deep inside to LOVE YOU TOO. These people don't seem to love you enough, I am sad to say. It's just not worth it.
Sophia

Thornhill, Canada

#301 Jan 6, 2013
Hello, my name is Sophia and I am 24 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. Within those three years were many fights, break ups and tears all surrounding his drinking. He would tell me he didn't have a problem, but I, of course, could see that he did. He would drink in the afternoon, early mornings, alone, before/during work etc.. He recently strayed from our relationship and made sexual offers to a girl he works with. He told me that this happened because he was drunk and said he couldn't even remember having the conversation. He also admitted that he has a problem with drinking, that he has been struggling for 10 years now and he wants help. I want to do whatever I can to help him because I adore him and can't picture my life without him. Am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for a life of stress and disappointment? Or do I stick by him and have faith that he will recover and remain sober? What is the firs step?.... Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.
Dawn

Rochester, UK

#302 Jan 21, 2013
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been dry for nearly 1yr i was a dependent drinker 24/7 i am 42yrs old and throughout my drinking i held down full time employment and am still in the same job my life a yr ago was nothing with out alcohol i didnt like it but my body needed it i never went a day without drinking the wake up call i needed happened last febuary(2012) when i ended up in a&e needing blood transfusions plus other drips the scary thing was i was told i would be dead in two days if i didnt stop i have to say i didnt have to think twice i wasnt ready to die so i made choice i wanted to live and get my life bk when i was drinking i was horrible to my family and friends but they stood by me they never gave up on me i used to be a size 18/20 clothes now i size 10 and i feel fantastic i love my food where as before i never ate i just needed the wine and vodka it has been very hard but with the help of a support group i go to twice a wk and support from family and friends i am doing well so so proud me and my parrner have only been together 6 months but he is fantastic i still have days where i low and moody and want a drink but i get up everymorn and say me not going to die today at the end of the day we all have a choice and my choice is ro stay sobber do i miss alcohol no i dont it evil and destroys u and people u love all i can say is take one day at a time and stay strong be proud of who u are it does get easier u just have to take all the help thats out there cause there are so many support groups they wont come to u u have to go to to them there is no shame in asking for help

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