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1 - 10 of 10 Comments Last updated Jun 18, 2009

Since: Jun 09

Kokomo, IN

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#1
Jun 10, 2009
 
I am 46 and I have never known anyone with ED until my husband. There are a lot of things that I just don't understand and I have so many questions.
I forbid myself any sexual contact with men for over 10 years. I had four daughters to raise and had put them through one really bad stepfather and so I chose to deny myself relationships and romance until they were raised. After all my girls were up and gone I met a man that I fell for hard and fast, he is now my husband. He did not tell me at first that he suffered from ED. When we begin our sex life it was great... 2-3 times a week. Then after a month or so it went down to once a week. I am a very sexual woman and was anxious to resume this part of my life. I begin to question him about his lack of interest and this is when he told me about his ED.
When he proposed marriage a couple of months later I said yes knowing that I could be content with our sex life at once a week. Once we were married sex decreased to once every 2-3 weeks. He said that his ED was caused from high cholesterol and he had not been taking his meds in quite a while. We got him back on his cholesterol medication. We also got samples of Lavitra but can not afford a prescription. We have only been married for nine months now and the penetrating sex has diminished (It has been four months since I last felt him inside me). He will make love to me,(i.e. orally or by manual stimulation) nearly any time I ask, however, he never allows me to make love to him. He can achieve an erection but can not maintain it. In the past several months he can only ejaculate by self stimulation once in a great while but can no longer achieve ďthe big OĒ through penetration. I have only been able to bring him to climax twice in the past. I have tried everything that I can think of to help him. He told me that no woman has ever dressed in sexy lingerie for him, so I bought several outfits. They did not even seem to faze him. When I ask him about it he simply replies,ďDo they make you feel sexy?Ö If they do then thatís all I need to make me happyĒ. He talked about having sexy pictures of me so he could look at my beautiful body when ever he wanted to, so I took several provocative pictures of myself in the lingerie and in the nude putting them on a disk for him. He glanced at the disk only once and I know this because I hid the disk after he looked at it and he has never asked about it since. The only time I ever see him with even a semi-hard erection is after he gets completely wasted on alcohol and sleeps about 2-3 hours. When he wakes up he will let me give him oral sex but looses his soft erection after about 10-15 minuets. He claims that he completely enjoys this experience but I feel like I have completely failed.
He has told me from day one that his greatest satisfaction is being able to bring me to satisfaction. He tells me that I am very sexy and desirable and that I satisfy him fully. He also says that he is happier now than he has ever been but I just donít understand how or why.
He is very, very good to me in every way but I donít feel like much of a woman or lover.
I have read many articles on ED and found that high cholesterol is a rare cause of ED. Many of these articles explain what ED is and what may cause it, but none of them explain the mans feelings, desires, wants or needs.
I apologize for being so long winded but like I said in the beginning, this is my first experience with ED.
Some of my questions are:
Could his ED truly be caused from his cholesterol or is he simply burn out sexually?
How can I possibly satisfy him when he wonít let me make love to him? Can his happiness be genuine just by satisfying me, or by just being married to me?
Can he see me as being sexy and desirable even though it has no physical sexual affect on him?
Can he be ďTurned OnĒ even though it doesnít show physically?

Since: Jun 09

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#2
Jun 14, 2009
 
darling Mrs.JC. I wish I knew. I worked as a pharmacist for twenty years. I know a few things and your husband seems very thruthful and wonderful. You seem perfectly wonderful too, so very concerned about him, while delicately, probably missing a beautiful full erection. I'm sure it's not you. Your extra effort on the CD was very cool. Cholesterol can cause ED. High blood pressure meds can cause this. Cleanest possible living and increased aerobic capacity can bring him back to his best and likely a more erections. He was probably at his best while dating and can return if he knows it helps all around. You wouldn't want to change too much of your relationship, and consider it a great side-effect if more frequent erections result. He probbaly should have told you his chance of less than freqent sex and let you know in advance - lot's of possible past things but no sense going back.

Men who have had cancer in their penises have had to have their penises removed. The point here is their wives are encouraged to touch the area because the sensation is still very nice for the men and the intimacy is so nice. It is possible your touching him, while not resulting in an erection, feels extremely good.

Another example I can think is my wife rushes to give me oral once our feelings start prior to my full erection. It is usually quite a hurry up affair. The reason is that I'm more sensitive before having a full erection. Now many good things happen after erection, but only that one feeling can be achieved mid-erection or with a flaccid penis, and it is very special. All the best to you.

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Jun 14, 2009
 
A possible apology MrsJC. When I said beautiful erection that may not have been the best statement. I did not want to make it seem more of a contrast to your recent experiences. Nothing like erections for both partners, but I would be so very happy just to have my wife continue to love me and find ways to been freely intimate. Neither of us will be whole forever. You are young in my view, so I mostly understand your feelings. We're all dealt different cards. Seems like youíve picked a cool guy. Be nice to know how many other levels ya'll can get to, and if he accepts the clean living approach someday. He may be doing this already, but I found (no disrespect intended) that doing not much special but living clean, I orgasm 4 times a day (give or take and depending on how busy we are) at age 44. Humans are just made that way, but that is only one thing. There are many thing I wish I was capable of. Love makes sex work and I see you have plenty of that. If he ever lets you, a safe thing is the gal sucking her man's balls into her mouth and enjoying herself. It is remarkable and can lead to an erection. Also a multi-finger press on the tissue close to his anus and as far from ballsac as possible, could be called step 1. That moves blood into his penis. Step 2 is to form a circle with thumb a finger at base of his penis. Step 3 is sucking his penis. Sometimes let off circle to let blood in, then close circle to hold it. This we've done when going for just some fun personal records (all in fun and intimacy) for inducing an erection when nature would usually be against it.
MrsJC

Kokomo, IN

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#4
Jun 15, 2009
 
Thank you for your input. I have been feeling like a horrible wife. I have felt depressed about the whole situation and get very upset with him. He has several friends that he once had a sexual relationship with (before developing his problem with ED). I get jealous when he talks to them on the phone or chats with them on line especially when they talk about "old times" I absolutely go out of my mind with jealousy when he wants to hang out with them. A couple of them have talked about their past sexual history with him and even threatened me if I donít take care of him. I feel that he maintains these friendships so he can remember sex when it was good. It has never been really good with me and it is only getting worse due to my, as he puts it "controlling attitude and jealousy". I feel extremely inadequate as a wife and a woman. I am trying so hard to understand things so as not to have these feelings.
Any way thank you very much for your input.

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Jun 15, 2009
 
Dear MrsJC,
I'm getting slightly frustrated having sent heart felt messages this morning and just now. They're not going through. I really care about your situation. I'll try to write again soon. I'm confident you're all a man needs, strong, sacrificial, and by no mean inadequate. Now let's get hubby knowing how lucky he is. If you wish, provide me your e-mail. You will DEFINITELY be safe with me. Unfortunately my e-mail has my last name and I do want to post it on this forum. I only say this because I'm lost as to why it was so hard for me to search for this discussion (only, others are easy) and then when I finally found it, twice my messages didn't post. If this goes through, well, it may prove no e-mail is needed after all! Take care, MrsJC.

Since: Jun 09

Kokomo, IN

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#6
Jun 16, 2009
 
Thank you AlanE
I think that my husband feels that he is lucky most of the time. He is very good to me. He is laid off and takes complete responsibility of the house and yard. He shows me off to all his friends (which are women) and his buddies (which are men) and tells them that I am his "whole world".
Some times I feel that we are just room mates and that makes me sad. I so desire more from my relationship than just a room mate. I love him very much. I am the type of woman that enjoys pleasing my man just as much as being pleased by my man. I so much want to please him in every way that a wife can please her husband. Some times I feel like I am wasting my time trying though, especially knowing about his past and the fact that he desires to maintain his friendships with his past lovers who he now calls his best friends. I think this is a part of what makes me feel inadequate. I can not do for him what they did and that he considers them to be his best friends.
He says that he has disassociated the sex life he had with these women in the past from the friendship that he has with them now. That the sex did not mean any thing to him then or now. I know that men and women are different and think about things very differently but is it that easy for a man to have sex with a woman and then be nothing more than friends with them? I think that my jealousy comes from me being a very sexual woman wanting to please my man in every way and not feeling like I can. I guess that I want to be able to trust that when he tells me that I do satisfy him completely that I do. My lack of knowledge or maybe experience on the subject of ED makes me not trust what he tells me.
I am very curious about why he will, when talking with others, let on like we have this super fantastic love life. Is it possible that he really thinks of our love life as being super fantastic?

Since: Jun 09

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#7
Jun 16, 2009
 
Dear MrsJC, is possible, yes, that your husband feels great. Intimacy appears stalled but spoken openly as though it's great...I guess you feel he is being disingenuous. He may be prone to exaggeration. None of it needs to be stated, actually. Itís not every day couplesí conversation for us at least. As far as disassociating his previous sex life, yes, possible. I had friendships with the few previous lovers in my life. It was simply us being good to each other and our conversations were enjoyable afterwards. I did not have conversations with them post-marriage other than, "Hi.Ē Nothing else works. If they're truly his friends they would not threaten you or be a divisive influence for a newly married man. That's not friendly at all! Don't take them on directly. Two steps: "Honey I'm hurting." You may need to say it again with calm confidence you know he'll listen. You pick concise, best words to tell what hurts. Once he "sees" your hurt (your challenge is similar to picking a topic sentence of a thesis or first sentence in a novel). It may be, for instance, that you fear his growing apart while appearing close, and a dear jane notice coming unexpectedly. Or, you fear losing your intimacy just as your body and heart beg for more intimacy - you desire to lay naked against him for an hour laughing to a Simpsonís DVD and making a mess with ice cream. Etc.
So if he wants you and he loves you, next comes what can he do to help? Rise to the occasion. Describe a sacred and healthy marriage cannot have the types of friendships he has with women. It needs to stop, permanently. "Hi" at the most. Thatís not you controlling him. Itís the institution of marriage that beckons his actions to make it stronger. Male friends are fine.

Since: Jun 09

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#8
Jun 16, 2009
 
Knowledge, per se, of ED... Can it be more than as you find it? Each case is a little different I would imagine. I am so, what's word, overwhelmed with your desire to please your husband. If he cannot keep an erection it is okay. If his interest wanes, it comes at a very inconvenient time because it's just as yours was growing. That too is life, my friend. We never are fully prepared for life. So there are two directions - modify your desires and master what you have (a two-person process), or increase his desires (also a two person process)? Two people arenít playing in the second scenario. Only the first can work. You hope to see his orgasm to know he's loves you. He himself cannot orgasm decreasingly day by day. I don't think he can change that, irrespective of your beauty and goodness to him.
But also it isn't so easy to perfect what you have. What do you have? Is he totally truthful to you? Then the truth needs to be spoken, and no bragging about great sex if isnít happening.
That leaves only your acceptance that he's satisfied despite you not seeing his orgasm. So a few things need to line up. Not easy. Keep your cool and patience. Walk with him on the long hikes. He can only show his intimacy through you now, not separately.

Yes, its unique. I know a special lady, unable to orgasm for the ten years, said she just felt good. Her husband had to accept this. He believed her. Then she changed and all is as would be expected. A man can have a loving wife who cannot orgasm (unrelated to him), yet does not hate love-making, appreciates being needed, and does not want to be avoided because she's not traditionally sexual. This seems similar to your situation. He's devoted and willing and there and tells you he's happy. You're looking for a traditional sign that he can't provide. Also, your physical bond, the lock of your bodies, should probably be practiced regularly (may take him getting used to), with full acceptance, erection or not, unless it's too difficult from your perspective for his penis to be close but not in you. It took several years for me to accept my wife's leg wraps at bedtime. Now, making love or not, our numerous perfect fits is part of the love we share!

Since: Jun 09

Kokomo, IN

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#9
Jun 18, 2009
 
Alan
I posted on here yesterday but it did not show up.
I thank you very much for sharing with me. I have already tried a couple of your suggestions and plan on trying more. I very calmly told him that it hurts when he contacts his "friends" (females) and I feel very uncomfortable with the relationships that he maintains with them. He said that he would not contact them again. I suggested that he invite his "buddies" (males) over while I am at work. That he spent a lot of time setting up the garage for entertainment and he should use it instead of spending time chatting online with his "friends". He also invited a "buddy" over that he used to work with and they had a great time playing pool and throwing darts while I was at work last night.
I am also trying to modify my desire. This is not an easy one for me but I have asked him to help. Today I told him that I love feeling his arms around me and our naked bodies against one another, even if it is not sexual. It is one of my favorite things that make me feel close to him. I asked him if he would be willing to just spend 10 minuets each day just being naked and holding each other close where I can feel his warm skin against mine, whether it is laying on the bed, in the shower or even cuddling on the sofa with no phones, no TV, nothing but just us. He said that was just weird but he will do it just for me. I do hope that he follows through with this. I think that he may be surprised at how much it will be for him too.
Once again thank you for your input.
Take care and best regards.

Since: Jun 09

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#10
Jun 18, 2009
 
Same to you MrsJC. And since I've only known you by those initials, I will assume they are your married intials for your new life, and that I will always be able to know you as MrsJC. See you in heaven in about 60 years! I'm trying to see Haley's Comet a 2nd time before I go! Also you should know I'm extremely happy to hear from you. Don't worry if you ever need to talk again, you know I think of you and your husband being together as the most important thing. While I admire you (you can tell a lot in writing), only MrC can enjoy being your husband! BTW I really love the 10 mins idea. Good idea! Praying for the follow-through...

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