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41 - 60 of 196 Comments Last updated Wednesday Aug 13
Ocean56

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#41
Apr 16, 2012
 
Narcotized wrote:
I am a dad trapped in the monotony of parenthood. I used to have an interest in life. Fishing, surfing, sex in the morning, jumping out of planes, alcoholic benders...Those things are gone forever. No one is to blame but me. It was my choice not to pull out. Too late for that now. We tried to stop at one, but apparently the doctor who did my vasectomy must not be able to identify simple anatomy. Or, maybe "GOD" miraculously repaired the ole' vas deferens. I love my wife so I do what is expected in my newly acquired role.
I have to ask; was the "kids/no kids" issue EVER discussed between the two of you before you and your wife got married, and if so, did you ever say you DIDN'T want any?

It just seems to me that if someone, be it a man or a woman, DOESN'T ever want children, that issue would be raised very EARLY, while dating, before marriage was even considered. If after a while, there is still the fundamental problem that one partner wanted kids and the other didn't, the best thing would be NOT to get married.

There really is NO compromise on this one, since that would mean having a child when one partner doesn't want any kids. It's much better for all concerned to end a dating relationship early than getting married and then having one or more kids a partner doesn't want.
Narcotized

Jacksonville, FL

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#42
Apr 16, 2012
 

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Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
I have to ask; was the "kids/no kids" issue EVER discussed between the two of you before you and your wife got married, and if so, did you ever say you DIDN'T want any?
My wife and I dated for eight years and lived together for three of those years before marriage. Pretty much every possible topic was discussed, kids included. We had other friends with kids and it did not seem like too big of a deal. None of my buddies with kids ever really complained about it much either (maybe I should have checked more forums like these though). Basically, at the time it sounded like a great idea. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to truly understand something until you experience it. This is a lesson that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
Ocean56

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#43
Apr 17, 2012
 
Narcotized wrote:
My wife and I dated for eight years and lived together for three of those years before marriage. Pretty much every possible topic was discussed, kids included. We had other friends with kids and it did not seem like too big of a deal. None of my buddies with kids ever really complained about it much either (maybe I should have checked more forums like these though). Basically, at the time it sounded like a great idea. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to truly understand something until you experience it. This is a lesson that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
Thanks for replying to my question, I know it was a tough one. A lot of people don't know about the childfree sites that are online now. Eight years ago, many of them probably didn't exist so you weren't able to chat with as many childfree folks to get their opinions on the matter.

In any case, I'm sorry for your situation. I made absolutely sure to have only ONE child, and simply refused to take the chance of having more. Life in the newborn, infancy and toddler stages was hard enough with just ONE child, I can't imagine what it must be like having to repeat all of that with a second or third.
Trim

Plano, TX

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#44
Apr 28, 2012
 

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dont have kids lol
cherio

Winnipeg, Canada

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#45
May 10, 2012
 
My girlfriend who just had a baby seven months ago now finds herself wracked with anxiety, panic, and tiredness. She is not herself, and says she never would have realized it really is a 24 hour a day job. Oh the lack of sleep, and the boredom. I will not do this to my life!! I have way to many BETTER ASPIRATIONS!
Ocean56

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#46
May 11, 2012
 
cherio wrote:
My girlfriend who just had a baby seven months ago now finds herself wracked with anxiety, panic, and tiredness. She is not herself, and says she never would have realized it really is a 24 hour a day job. Oh the lack of sleep, and the boredom. I will not do this to my life!! I have way to many BETTER ASPIRATIONS!
I'm sorry your girlfriend is going through such a rough time, and yes, the newborn/infant stage is one of the HARDEST a parent, especially a mother, has to go through. That is why I made sure I only had ONE child and no more. I refused to go through all of that all over again. Been there, done that, and ONCE was enough.

I am curious about something; had your girlfriend done any reading on what mothers go through with a baby before she got pregnant? It seems to me that a lot of women are actively DISCOURAGED from doing reading on the very real hardships of motherhood before a pregnancy happens and a baby arrives, for fear that if more women DID know about the real hardships, more women would choose to opt OUT of motherhood altogether.

If a woman is truly undecided about whether she can handle the HARDSHIPS of motherhood, she really needs to know the details of what those hardships are. There's a great book to help with that, and it's called WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR. It can be found in the pregnancy/parenting section of any bookstore or library. I highly recommend it to any woman who is "on the fence" about becoming a mother.

Since: Sep 10

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#47
Jun 3, 2012
 

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Why do they say that children are a blessing?
Ocean56

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#48
Jun 4, 2012
 

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FortySomething wrote:
Why do they say that children are a blessing?
IMO it is to CON people who are undecided about having kids into having them. After all, once a baby arrives, they know it's too late for a regretful parent to turn back the clock. There are also people who have a very spiteful dark side, and want others to experience the same hardships THEY had to deal with as parents. I call it the "my life sucks, and yours should too" mindset. These people get real satisfaction from watching others suffer.

My feeling; if anyone is really undecided or even unwilling to have children, then DON'T fall for the "advertising." Speaking as a parent who has been through the experience, kids are a 24/7/365 responsibility, and it is better to know that NOW than after a baby arrives. Pick up that WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR to know exactly what new parents often go through. It's better to make an INFORMED decision than one made out of ignorance.

Since: Sep 10

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#49
Jun 4, 2012
 
Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
IMO it is to CON people who are undecided about having kids into having them. After all, once a baby arrives, they know it's too late for a regretful parent to turn back the clock. There are also people who have a very spiteful dark side, and want others to experience the same hardships THEY had to deal with as parents. I call it the "my life sucks, and yours should too" mindset. These people get real satisfaction from watching others suffer.
My feeling; if anyone is really undecided or even unwilling to have children, then DON'T fall for the "advertising." Speaking as a parent who has been through the experience, kids are a 24/7/365 responsibility, and it is better to know that NOW than after a baby arrives. Pick up that WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR to know exactly what new parents often go through. It's better to make an INFORMED decision than one made out of ignorance.
Where your parents happy that they had you?
Ocean56

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#50
Jun 4, 2012
 

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FortySomething wrote:
Where your parents happy that they had you?
Absolutely. What part of WANTED PREGNANCY is confusing to you?

That being said, there are many people who DON'T want children for whatever reasons. There's NOTHING wrong with people who prefer to be childFREE rather than being parents, contrary to what pronatalists prefer to believe. There's nothing wrong with parents who choose to stop at ONE child either.

Since: Jan 12

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#51
Jun 4, 2012
 

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We had one daughter. She was always a disappointment. Ran away at 17, took up a life of drugs and crime, living in shelters. Will be 40 this year, looks like a worn out hag, has never brought us any joy. Would have been better had she never been born.

Since: Sep 10

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#52
Jun 4, 2012
 
Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
Absolutely. What part of WANTED PREGNANCY is confusing to you?
That being said, there are many people who DON'T want children for whatever reasons. There's NOTHING wrong with people who prefer to be childFREE rather than being parents, contrary to what pronatalists prefer to believe. There's nothing wrong with parents who choose to stop at ONE child either.
Haven't you defeated your own argument? There is definitely a contradiction there.
Ocean56

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#53
Jun 5, 2012
 
FortySomething wrote:
Haven't you defeated your own argument? There is definitely a contradiction there.
No, I haven't defeated anything, nor is there any contradiction. I became a mother to one child by CHOICE, when I WANTED to, not because somebody told me I "should." Big difference. I enjoy being a done-after-one mom, and had no desire or intention to have more kids.

There are also people who choose to have NO children, and there's nothing wrong with that decision.
Ocean56

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#54
Jun 5, 2012
 

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GlobeStar wrote:
We had one daughter. She was always a disappointment. Ran away at 17, took up a life of drugs and crime, living in shelters. Will be 40 this year, looks like a worn out hag, has never brought us any joy. Would have been better had she never been born.
Sadly, this kind of disappointment happens to many parents. I'm curious about something, though. Did you have a child because you really WANTED to, or because you were told you were "supposed to?"

I honestly believe that parents who only had children out of a sense of duty or obligation to family or church and NOT because they really loved and wanted children often become angry and resentful parents later on. Children DO require lots of love and patience, especially in the first five years. In the first year, during infancy, motherhood is 24/7/365 HARD WORK, which can be very difficult for some parents.

That's why I think those who have doubts about whether they want to take on the tremendous responsibility that parenting involves are better off NOT being parents in the first place. There's nothing wrong with choosing never to have children, contrary to what many believe.

Since: Jan 12

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#55
Jun 5, 2012
 

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Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
Sadly, this kind of disappointment happens to many parents. I'm curious about something, though. Did you have a child because you really WANTED to, or because you were told you were "supposed to?"
I honestly believe that parents who only had children out of a sense of duty or obligation to family or church and NOT because they really loved and wanted children often become angry and resentful parents later on. Children DO require lots of love and patience, especially in the first five years. In the first year, during infancy, motherhood is 24/7/365 HARD WORK, which can be very difficult for some parents.
That's why I think those who have doubts about whether they want to take on the tremendous responsibility that parenting involves are better off NOT being parents in the first place. There's nothing wrong with choosing never to have children, contrary to what many believe.
Sure - blame the parents, who already have suffered enough disappointment down through the years without you adding to it, trying, as many do, to pass guilt on to them, while assuming the "children" never do anything wrong. Of course we WANTED a child. Who says we are supposed to have one? Face it, there are plenty of kids that think only of themselves and plenty of dopers and druggies out there they are drawn to. You have no idea what all the circumstances were in our lives, so it would have been better to have said nothing.
Ocean56

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#56
Jun 5, 2012
 

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GlobeStar wrote:
Sure - blame the parents, who already have suffered enough disappointment down through the years without you adding to it, trying, as many do, to pass guilt on to them, while assuming the "children" never do anything wrong. Of course we WANTED a child. Who says we are supposed to have one? Face it, there are plenty of kids that think only of themselves and plenty of dopers and druggies out there they are drawn to. You have no idea what all the circumstances were in our lives, so it would have been better to have said nothing.
WOW. I just asked you a question and made a general statement. A little defensive, aren't you? I don't recall blaming YOU or your spouse for anything. Funny how quickly you chose to take offense, though. I wonder why that is.

For the record, there are a LOT of people who think that couples are "supposed to" have children, and even pressure family members to have them, especially after marriage. Remember, YOU were the one who asked "who says we are supposed to have one."

Since: Sep 10

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#57
Jun 5, 2012
 
Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
No, I haven't defeated anything, nor is there any contradiction. I became a mother to one child by CHOICE, when I WANTED to, not because somebody told me I "should." Big difference. I enjoy being a done-after-one mom, and had no desire or intention to have more kids.
There are also people who choose to have NO children, and there's nothing wrong with that decision.
Are you a single mother?

It seems to me that if a couple TRUELY love each other, they will naturally love their offspring and looking after them will naturally become a labour of love, where that love will be a pinnacle of their relationship. If that's not the case then something has probably gone wrong somewhere and chances are it's because the proclaimed love between the couple is not TRUE.

Since: Sep 10

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#58
Jun 5, 2012
 
Also in my humble opinion self-respect is very important if you want to enjoy looking after your offspring.
Ocean56

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#59
Jun 6, 2012
 
FortySomething wrote:
Are you a single mother?
It seems to me that if a couple TRUELY love each other, they will naturally love their offspring and looking after them will naturally become a labour of love, where that love will be a pinnacle of their relationship. If that's not the case then something has probably gone wrong somewhere and chances are it's because the proclaimed love between the couple is not TRUE.
My marital status as a mother is irrelevant. Make of that what you will.

As to the rest of your post, I think it's complete nonsense. There are many heterosexual married couples these days who have made the conscious CHOICE never to have children, for a number of personal reasons. What those reasons are is none of your business, nor anyone else's. They enjoy a married lifestyle WITHOUT all the responsibilities that having children represents.

There are also couples who have made the conscious choice to have just ONE child and no more. There's nothing wrong with that choice either.

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#60
Jun 6, 2012
 
Ocean56 wrote:
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My marital status as a mother is irrelevant. Make of that what you will.
As to the rest of your post, I think it's complete nonsense. There are many heterosexual married couples these days who have made the conscious CHOICE never to have children, for a number of personal reasons. What those reasons are is none of your business, nor anyone else's. They enjoy a married lifestyle WITHOUT all the responsibilities that having children represents.
There are also couples who have made the conscious choice to have just ONE child and no more. There's nothing wrong with that choice either.
May I remind you of the topic of this forum. It's about if kids will ruin your life. As for the rest of your statement, all I can say is that you didn't understand what I meant.

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