No need to comment on personal issue

Dear Amy: More than 40 years ago, "Steve" -- a high school classmate -- attempted to rape me, and I was injured. Read more
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PEllen

Waukegan, IL

#1 Jun 11, 2009
Abby links have been taken down from the Tribune. This link is to her column and should have a Topix connection as well

http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/ariz...

I am looking forward to Sublime 1 and edogxxx's comments on this.
Michael Shea

Saint Charles, IL

#2 Jun 11, 2009
What happened to you many years ago happend many years ago. Do not misunderstand...I do not mean to trivialize your experience and your trauma at being a victim. You have a right to your feelings and a duty to be true to yourself.

But the young man who was thoughtless and inappropriately sexually imposing in the back seat of a Chevy when you were in High School is, most probably, a very different person today. And, yes, in anticipation of responding comments, he has had numerous opportunities to apologize to you at any one of your common gatherings throughout the years. He should have, and I am sorry he did not.

But, that aside, he is looking into the cold face of his own mortality, and his friends (who don't share your secret) are appropriately sympathetic.

I say you may think about responding to the friends in a classy way, like this: that you are sorry for his predicament, that you wish him and his loved ones well, and that you prefer to keep your feelings private (they will interpret your feelings as private sorrow, which is OK).

Then, by all means, do not go to the funeral, and take some solace in the ultimate triumph: you outlived him.
MaryAnn

Madison, WI

#3 Jun 11, 2009
PEllen wrote:
Abby links have been taken down from the Tribune. This link is to her column and should have a Topix connection as well
http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/ariz...
I am looking forward to Sublime 1 and edogxxx's comments on this.
Thanks PEllen! I just read the column and yes, it's interesting! But it does not have a Topix link, just one that you have to join and sign in.

I wonder if one the regular members of Topix could start a discussion on Topix and give us the link? Just an idea...
edogxxx

Channahon, IL

#4 Jun 11, 2009
LW1: Well, if you drop this bombshell now while this man's on his death bed, you risk the mutual friends you two share not believing you and/or wondering why you never said anything, and that could lead them and his family to resent you. Why you never reported it when it happened is beyond me but I'm sure you had your reasons and you can't turn back the clock.

Your best bet is to simply tell these people you don't care for this man and have no desire to visit his sick bed or funeral. If they press the issue, just say you have your reasons. If they REALLY press the issue, tell them what happened, then ask if they want to join you while you dance on his grave.

LW2: What exactly was Olivia's problem? She asked you to invite someone, which you did, but didn't like the "manner" in which you did it?

Amy's right. Sit Olivia down and have it out as to what her problem is.

LW3: Or, they could just not send a gift.
edogxxx

Channahon, IL

#5 Jun 11, 2009
MaryAnn wrote:
<quoted text>

I wonder if one the regular members of Topix could start a discussion on Topix and give us the link? Just an idea...
Done and done!

“Never p**s off the Art Teacher”

Since: Jun 09

Upper Chichester, PA

#6 Jun 11, 2009
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Done and done!
The computer illiterate among us (me)need more directions than that.
What do we do? Thanks!
edogxxx

Channahon, IL

#7 Jun 11, 2009
hippiechick54 wrote:
<quoted text>
The computer illiterate among us (me)need more directions than that.
What do we do? Thanks!
Sorry, honey. Go to the Chicago Tribune comment board and look for the thread "Dear Abby 6-11"
Deputy Dog

Orange City, FL

#8 Jun 11, 2009
LW1: I can't believe it!

LW2: What is this world coming to?

LW3: Oh...My...Gosh...

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#9 Jun 11, 2009
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Done and done!
You need to provide the link for everyone, please.
edogxxx

Channahon, IL

#10 Jun 11, 2009

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#11 Jun 11, 2009
L1: 40 years ago was very different than today. People probably would have blamed her then -- but as for today I think the LW is going about this the only way she can at this point. I think Amy's advice is good and I'd also go back to therapy to help through this trying time.

L2: I would call Olivia and confront her. Just goes to show you, you can please some people ever!

L3: That was very nice of the giver, however you did say no gifts. A donation to a worthy cause is a good gift when you can't help yourself, though.

L3:

“Illegitimi non carborundum”

Since: Jan 09

Scenic Manitowoc County WI

#12 Jun 11, 2009
Hello Regs. Only 2 more days of working open to close (I am tired).........

#1. Do not open the emails related to him. Do not open the links to the tribute websites. Do not respond to any email questions about him or why you are not involved. Since your letter only mentioned internet based exposure to him, you can control what you read/view on your computer - don't look at it.
Or, go visit him in the hospital and and tell him you hope he rots in hell for what he did to you and spit in his face.

#2 Your friend Olivia is a mean, little petty person. But then again, since you are getting upset enough to write an advice column about a little, petty issue, you probably deserve her.

#3 WOW!!!!! News Flash!!!!!! You can give charitable donations in someon's name in lieu of a gift to that person?

Who knew?
Another obviously fake letter.

WHERE IS DEAR ABBY?

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#13 Jun 11, 2009
EVERYONE: Here's the link to the Abby column Edog so graciously set-up:

http://www.topix.com/forum/source/chicago-tri...

“Illegitimi non carborundum”

Since: Jan 09

Scenic Manitowoc County WI

#14 Jun 11, 2009
Michael Shea wrote:
What happened to you many years ago happend many years ago. Do not misunderstand...I do not mean to trivialize your experience and your trauma at being a victim. You have a right to your feelings and a duty to be true to yourself.
But the young man who was thoughtless and inappropriately sexually imposing in the back seat of a Chevy when you were in High School is, most probably, a very different person today. And, yes, in anticipation of responding comments, he has had numerous opportunities to apologize to you at any one of your common gatherings throughout the years. He should have, and I am sorry he did not.
But, that aside, he is looking into the cold face of his own mortality, and his friends (who don't share your secret) are appropriately sympathetic.
I say you may think about responding to the friends in a classy way, like this: that you are sorry for his predicament, that you wish him and his loved ones well, and that you prefer to keep your feelings private (they will interpret your feelings as private sorrow, which is OK).
Then, by all means, do not go to the funeral, and take some solace in the ultimate triumph: you outlived him.
Given his divorce and the impending death from a "lifestyle related" illness, I would imagine that he continued well into his adult life to be the same self-centered a s s that raped her.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#15 Jun 11, 2009
Sorry, edog. We must have did it at the same time.
Dienne

United States

#16 Jun 11, 2009
Michael Shea wrote:
What happened to you many years ago happend many years ago. Do not misunderstand...I do not mean to trivialize your experience and your trauma at being a victim. You have a right to your feelings and a duty to be true to yourself.
But the young man who was thoughtless and inappropriately sexually imposing in the back seat of a Chevy when you were in High School is....
What the-?? Inappropriately sexually imposing? What the hell is that?

Her clothes were ruined. She was bruised and bleeding. This was NOT some overly frisky adventure in the back of a Chevy. It was RAPE.

As for not reporting it, Terri is right - 40 years ago she would have been blamed for it - only bad girls get raped, y'know.
edogxxx

Channahon, IL

#17 Jun 11, 2009
Terri at home wrote:
Sorry, edog. We must have did it at the same time.
I forgive you. I should have set up the link in the first place but it's early and the coffee hadn't kicked in yet :)
Jess

Wilmington, DE

#18 Jun 11, 2009
LW1: Phil is right that there is no reason to open any e-mail or links related to this person. If anyone were to ask her, I like Michael Shea's line that you "prefer to keep your feelings private" (though I do have some major objections to him trivializing the original incident).

LW2: Why should this woman need to call Olivia and say anything? The wedding is over with and the son's girlfriend (presumably) attended. LW2's mother can tell Olivia, the next time she mentions it, "Oh my God, get over it already!" Newlyweds have enough to deal with during the first few years of their marriage, and shame on the mother for continuing to add to that stress by relaying the boorish comments of her "friend".

LW3: Is this really new information? Yes, it was very thoughtful of the friend to make a donation in the honoree's name, as long as the charity was one that the honoree supports. But, I could have done without this letter today.

“Never p**s off the Art Teacher”

Since: Jun 09

Upper Chichester, PA

#19 Jun 11, 2009
"L1: 40 years ago was very different than today. People probably would have blamed her"

Right, Terri! She needs to just distance herself from it all as best she can.

"Or, go visit him in the hospital and and tell him you hope he rots in hell for what he did to you and spit in his face."

Neither kind nor gentle, Phil, but completely deserved!

Thanks edog (and others) for the link.
See you there........

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#20 Jun 11, 2009
L1: 40 years ago, Amy, the girl likely would have been treated worse than the offender. But how does a man die of "lifestyle" related afflictions? Does he have a VD that has run rampant through his body? Huh? I hate vaguness and euphemisms.

L2: Someone who is rude enough to ask whether another person can come to your wedding is rude enough to complain about your mother. She's also going to be cowardly enough to act like she doesn't know what you're talking about. For the record, this letter writer did everything correct: You invite the significant girlfriends, partners, fiances/ees, and spouses of your guests. There is no need for "and guest" to be added to the invites for singles. I did this for my wedding as well. Only, I don't have low-class relatives like this letter writer.

L3: Who put the dang in the dang diggity dang?(I heard the Teddy Bears on my way into work.)

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