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#2 Jul 17, 2014
At the Church of the Foreskin of the Nazarene MaltaMon, where I am choirmaster, here is how we do a "choral communion".
I stand before the altar, wearing my robes, while my assistant choirmaster, MaltaMon, wearing the 'crown of the covenant'(a pair of spiderman underwear) on his head, stands in front of the altar rail.
The choristers line up at the altar rail, bend over the rail, and lift up their choir robes.(At the C.F.N.M., choristers wear nothing under their robes).
I open the front of my robes, and put a wafer on the end of my 'rod of the redeemer', which is protruding from my robes. I go to the first chorister, who takes the wafer into his mouth. As he does so, MaltaMon anoints the boy's exposed buttocks with holy oil, and imserts a lubricated grape into the boy's rectum.
We move down the row, until all choir boys have taken a wafer, been anointed, and been baptized with the holy fruit of the vine.
The boys stand up, and return to the choir stalls as we all sing a chorus of 'I Kneel Before thy Holy Rod O Lord'.
After the service, MaltaMon and myself supervise the choir changing room, where the boys take a group shower together. Any boy who misbehaves receives a bare bottom spanking in front of the girls' Sunday school class.
Graham "Phil" Butterworth
#3 Jul 19, 2014
"The laying on of hands is a religious ritual that accompanies certain religious practices, which are found throughout the world in varying forms.
In Christian churches, this practice is used as both a symbolic and formal method of invoking the Holy Spirit primarily during......a variety of other church sacraments and holy ceremonies."
It is performed by simply laying your hands on the recipient, left hand on the shoulder and the right hand on the head, or both hands cupped around on the recipient’s head. Then make a simple public statement or prayer, invoking the Sacred Names. The “laying on of hands” ceremony might begin with a kiss or a hug of love (1Sam.10:1).
10 Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying,“Has not the Lord anointed you ruler over his inheritance?[a] 2 When you leave me today, you will meet two men near Rachel’s tomb, at Zelzah on the border of Benjamin. They will say to you,‘The donkeys you set out to look for have been found. And now your father has stopped thinking about them and is worried about you. He is asking,“What shall I do about my son?”’
I would like to explain how we perform the "laying on of hands" at my church, the Church of the Foreskin of the Nazarene MaltaMon, where I am choirmaster.
The choirboy, having been chosen the night before at a secret midnight ceremony by myself and my assistant MaltaMon, proceeds up the aisle of the church where he then prostrates himself upon the altar.
MaltaMon then lifts up the choirboys robes to expose his bare buttocks. I then, having laved my hands with Holy Water, lay them upon the buttocks of the boy, left hand on the left buttock, and right hand on the right. I then make a simple statement about the firmness and smoothness of the boy's buttocks, invoking the sacred names, CaDad, iamwhoiam, tnmtndude, LineDazzle, and LargeLanguage.
I then use my open hand to smite the boy's buttocks, five times, in honour of the five wounds of Christ.
Walking to the side of the altar, I kneel down, and annoint the boy's head with oil, and say "Has the lord not annointed you ruler over lonely old men?", and cupping the boy's head in my hands, kiss him fully on the mouth.
MaltaMon then addresses the congregation from the lectern, and says, in plainsong, "What shall I do about my son?" He has become like Rachel, weeping for her lost children.
The boy climbs down from the altar, and hugs both MaltaMon and myself, before returning to the choir stalls.
We then sing a selection from the Lamentations of Jeremiah, in honour of MaltaMon, who is lamenting the violation of his son.
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