Marriages destroyed by SSRI's/SNRIs

[Roy]

I have visited many websites and found accounts where after taking SSRI's/SNRI's, the spouse abruptly determines that he or she is no longer in love with his or her spouse and terminates the marriage. However, I have never found a discussion dedicated exclusively to this topic. It appears that this horrific side effect has been completely ignored by manufacturers, and I have found no research addressing this topic. If you have gone though this nightmare as I have, please tell your story here. I suspect that there are thousands of such stories. If the response to this request is significant in number, I would like to direct the FDA to this discussion.

Thank you.

[Anonymous for now]

Yes, Roy. I take Effexor, have cut back to a fraction of a tablet, the smallest amount I can take and still be civilized. Without it, I am easily upset, way out of proportion to the circumstances, moody and angry; but I do feel in love with my husband of 30+ years (although my attitude may cause him to not feel the same about me!). With it, I am able to handle stressful situations better, generally feel more upbeat, am slower to anger, but tend to feel that my husband is a somewhat burdensome inconvenience that I can live without.
Because I recognize the effects both of taking the med and not taking the med, I'm careful to either back off it for a bit when I need to, and then get back on it when necessary. I know that's not the way it should be used, but it's a compromise I've made to retain my sanity and my marriage. I've tried other products without success. I plan to continue to take Effexor in this erratic fashion because I see no other choice.
The destructive effects of the medication that you describe are REAL, however, and perhaps the manufacturer, or an outside agency, should see what can be done about it.
Good luck.

[Roy]

Dear Anonymous: Thank you for the response. Of the many accounts that I have read regarding how SSRIs may cause a person to lose the ability to feel love for their spouse, your account is the first that I have read where the person taking the SSRI realizes this and is careful to control this side effect. Every other account that I have read involves an SSRI user who denies the impact of the drug and insists that their loss of love for their spouse has nothing to do with their medication. How is it that you came to recognize this side effect and learn to control it?

By the way, in light of how many accounts that I have read on the internet regarding marriages distroyed by SSRIs, I am very surprised by the lack of responses to my inquiry.

[Beth]

Actually, my experience with effexor has made me realize a lot of things about my relationship of 6 years. Before taking effexor, i was very sad all the time and easily frustrated, however on the effexor, i realize that i am in a troubled relationsip. The effexor helped me put things in perspective much better, without being an emotional wreck.

My biggest problem with the effexor is the weight gain. I have gained 10 pounds in 2 months and I can't lose it no matter what I do.

[Just Wondering]

Roy wrote:

I have visited many websites and found accounts where after taking SSRI's/SNRI's, the spouse abruptly determines that he or she is no longer in love with his or her spouse and terminates the marriage. However, I have never found a discussion dedicated exclusively to this topic. It appears that this horrific side effect has been completely ignored by manufacturers, and I have found no research addressing this topic. If you have gone though this nightmare as I have, please tell your story here. I suspect that there are thousands of such stories. If the response to this request is significant in number, I would like to direct the FDA to this discussion.
Thank you.

I went through this exact scenario. My now ex-wife and I were together for 15 years (married for 11). We have two kids, a home and were always very happy. She was prescribed Effexor for generalized anxiety. 4 months later her behavior started to change, she started lying and sneaking around, had an affair, told me she now realizes she never loved me, divorced me and was seeing someone else before the divorce was even final. Her own family and all of our friends are all still completely shocked by her change in behavior. I have spoken with all of them and all of them have told me she never said anything to anyone about being unhappy or not loving me until after she started taking these meds. I have been on other blogs and read similar stories about people's changes in personality, loss of inhibition, etc. It has had a devastating effect on me, our children and our families. As with the other stories I have read, she refuses to believe the meds have affected her in any way and is adamant that she always felt this way despite what our friends and family saw. These meds are overprescribed and ruin lives as they have mine. I hope this helps.

[Yolanda]

Roy wrote:

Dear Anonymous: Thank you for the response. Of the many accounts that I have read regarding how SSRIs may cause a person to lose the ability to feel love for their spouse, your account is the first that I have read where the person taking the SSRI realizes this and is careful to control this side effect. Every other account that I have read involves an SSRI user who denies the impact of the drug and insists that their loss of love for their spouse has nothing to do with their medication. How is it that you came to recognize this side effect and learn to control it?
By the way, in light of how many accounts that I have read on the internet regarding marriages distroyed by SSRIs, I am very surprised by the lack of responses to my inquiry.

Dear Roy, please don't give up on this topic, indeed it is very important, and absolutly needs attention. I think it is VERY hard for people to write about their experiences related to failed marriages and relationships, because it is very hard to believe that the people who are supposed to be helping you (ie doctors, medical institutions) are actually recommending treatments that are harmful to you or your loved ones. For many people, it is much easier to assume the failure is on the part of the person they were in the relationship with. Part of the problem is the regard we hold for the medical professions, and the blatantly wrong information we are told about what is causing our illnesses/symtoms.

I know, for me, I had to fight like hell (when I had the energy) to find a doctor who actually believed me when I said I was a very balanced, highly functional woman before I had traumatic birth and postpartum experiences with both my children. I was finally (three years later) diagnosed with major hormonal deficiencies (mainly progesterone, but also thyroid, adrenal, testosterone, and DHEA), and with hormone supplementation and replacement, I am begining to feel like my old self again. However, in the time that I searched, begged, and pleaded for adequate medical assistance, I was cajoled that I just wasn't adjusting to being a mother - a terrible blow to a woman's self esteem. I was advised to leave my husband because, as another doctor observed, to be that depressed I must be in an abusive relationship but just not admitting it. Now I will admit we did not have a flawless relationship, but we were good together until I got sick with the pregnancies and postpartum. If I had listened to the doctors, I would have left my husband, to see if that maybe did help me feel better. But seperation/divorce would have completely destroyed me. There was no way, before this current treatment, that I would have survived the stress of my marriage ending. I would have become to ill to help myself. And I had to fight hard for what I knew to be true about me.

You asked the other writer you addressed how she knew to temper her responses and hold the drug responsible for temperment changes that doctors will wave off as "personality". Although it was very difficult, I lived for years asking myself, "Is this how I would have responded when I was well?" and I had a wonderful councellor with years of women's mental health experience who drilled in to me very early on, don't make any drastic changes while you are in a depression. She reinforced that you can't trust "depressed feelings", you have to wait to become well, then review your situation/feelings to evaluate what changes needed to be made to live life well. Well, I am becoming more well, and my husband is an excellent father to our children, and he has stayed by me. We've had some major marital and financial strain because I have been so sick for so long, but I make conscious efforts to only pile on so much at a time, work through what we need to in order to keep the family functioning and together. I could go on and on, this is a very important topic for me.

[Pondering Pothead]

Anonymous for now wrote:

I plan to continue to take Effexor in this erratic fashion because I see no other choice.

There is another choice. Read "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross.

[Anonymous for now]

To Roy:

In response to your question, I suspect that I stumbled upon this realization by not taking Effexor as regularly as prescribed. I have a bad attitude about medications generally, do not want to take the Effexor or anything else, and tend to slack off on a treatment plan as soon as the more obvious symptoms subside. Bad idea? Yes, I know. Dangerous? Yes, I know.

Nonetheless, an "off/on" pattern with the med started coinciding with an "on/off" pattern of affectionate feelings toward my spouse. It was only after a number of cycles that I recognized the link.

I now know that if I feel like the relationship is empty, that if I think that divorce is better than putting up with a man to whom I have no real connection, I stop the med. In a few days, I realize that I love this man and could not imagine being without him. Then, after a varying amount of time, when I have an angry crying fit because a road repair delay made me four minutes late for an appointment, I go back on the Effexor, until I'm ready for a divorce again.

This is not a program that I recommend.

To Pondering Pothead:

Thanks for the recommendation, but can you advise if "The Mood Cure" involves marijuana or other mood-altering illegal drugs? I'm more the "Pondering Drug-Free Conservative" type - Effexor notwithstanding.

[Jody]

My husband has been taking Effexor since a nervous breakdown 9 months ago. He was the most honorably, honest, truthful man on the face of the earth. Recently I found out he is having an affair with the receptionist in his office. He tells me he loves her. He asked for a divorce. All family (my side and his) have noticed a big personality change and can't believe he's giving up his wife, a beautifully remodeled home, 22 acres of land, horses, etc. He seems cold and doesn't have a conscience whatsoever. He went on a fishing trip with my father-in-law and my 3 brothers. They told me he was constantly on the phone with who they now know as his girlfriend. He made the calls right in front of them! I am convinced that Effexor ruined our marriage and I wonder about filing a lawsuit with the makers of this horrible drug!

[angela]

a couple of weeks after taking effexor (which I abruptly stopped on account of its adverse effects on my diabetes and ability to feel my blood sugar dropping) and then lexapro, i woke up one day, no longer in love, after many years. I am still young, very confused, and its terrible. and I havent even cried yet, which doesnt make sense, I just keep sleeping, hoping ill wake up in love again or something. If there was a medical explanation it would make a lot more sense, at least, i dont know. I thought serotonin was supposed to be like love, and therefore should it not make us feel more love?

[Jody]

Roy wrote:

I have visited many websites and found accounts where after taking SSRI's/SNRI's, the spouse abruptly determines that he or she is no longer in love with his or her spouse and terminates the marriage. However, I have never found a discussion dedicated exclusively to this topic. It appears that this horrific side effect has been completely ignored by manufacturers, and I have found no research addressing this topic. If you have gone though this nightmare as I have, please tell your story here. I suspect that there are thousands of such stories. If the response to this request is significant in number, I would like to direct the FDA to this discussion.
Thank you.

Ron,
I wonder who you are and if this is for real. Are you a researcher? The reason I am asking is that I am experiencing the very thing you described w/ my husband (he's on Effexor). He has been doing extremely uncharacteristic and scary things with his life, and his psychiatrist and psychologist both say he is "fine", and that he is simply making some life changes. My father-in-law and brother-in-law are both physicians. When I try to explain to them that there are stories very similar to mine on the internet posted by loved ones of those taking Effexor, they've cautioned me to not believe it. They said the very same thing happened with Prozac when it came out, which turned out not to be true. I'm frustrated. Please reply and maybe I can get in touch with you by phone or e-mail. Thank you.

[Jody]

I'm sorry - regarding post above made by me (Jody), I meant to address it to ROY, not Ron.

[Ezin]

Jody,

"They said the very same thing happened with Prozac when it came out, which turned out not to be true."

...it was very true. It appears to be a class effect for the serotonin boosters.

Once the 'loss of inhibition' effect happens, a person can indulge in all sorts of out-of-character behaviour e.g. gambling, affairs, spending sprees, verbal unpleasantnesses - without any of the normal curbs applying. The individual will usually be unaware of the change, and may well refute it if confronted. Impulse decisions, odd decisions, judgement flaws.

Mania, hypomania & mood swings are standard side-effects. Have a read up about them?

Ask your father-in-law and brother-in-law about the effects of STIMULANT DRUGS on people, both short-term & long-term - see if they agree that people taking stimulant drugs (legal or illegal) can be affected in such a manner...

Then ask about (for example) stimulant-induced mania and/or hypomania.

Then research these antidepressants. You will find that although they are called antidepressants, their profile is not described as antidepressant, but as stimulant.

Then read Chapters 3 and 7 of Peter Breggin's book 'The Antidepressant Fact Book' which talk through aspects of this issue - giving you the facts and figures of which your in-laws will probably be unaware.

Then Chapter 4 of Joseph Glenmullen's book on side-effects,'Prozac Backlash'(applicable to Effexor, too).

[Roy]

Jody wrote:

<quoted text>
Ron,
I wonder who you are and if this is for real. Are you a researcher? The reason I am asking is that I am experiencing the very thing you described w/ my husband (he's on Effexor). He has been doing extremely uncharacteristic and scary things with his life, and his psychiatrist and psychologist both say he is "fine", and that he is simply making some life changes. My father-in-law and brother-in-law are both physicians. When I try to explain to them that there are stories very similar to mine on the internet posted by loved ones of those taking Effexor, they've cautioned me to not believe it. They said the very same thing happened with Prozac when it came out, which turned out not to be true. I'm frustrated. Please reply and maybe I can get in touch with you by phone or e-mail. Thank you.

Jody: I am very sorry for your situation. I completely understand what you are going through. I am not a researcher. I am a spouse going through the same thing as are you. Although I appreciate your request for my contact information, I don't know what I can do to help you that I can't do on this site. For this reason, I prefer to remain anonamous.

[Roy]

Has anyone else out there suffered relationship problems after taking (or your spouse taking) SSRIs/SNRIs?

[Brigid]

My marriage and family life has suffered terribly through years of depression, anti-depressents and their side effects. Thank god I have a good husband who has stuck with me. I have been on an SSRI or SNRI for about 18 years. I have tried them all with little or no relief and lots of horrible side effects like effexor induced mania, apathy, irritability, migraines and unexplained chronic pain issues, withdrawal problems... etc. I still love my kids, and I think I am a fairly good mom. I try so hard to be a good mom.

I am completely without romantic love for my spouse. I have had no libido for years. I almost always feel physically and mentally horrible. I want to love him again... but I don't. We are like brother and sister now. I feel so bad that my husband is saddled with this sad excuse for a wife. I have offered to divorce him, so he can find a real spouse, but he is determined to stay through thick and thin.

In recent months I have been trying to achieve a med free life by weaning off everything. Lots of withdrawal problems have occurred. I would so like to be med free and go the natural route. I am down to minimal doses and hope to be off soon. Maybe then my libido, and love for my spouse will come back. God I hope so.

[Annie]

I broke it off with my long-term boyfriend after being on effexor, but mine was a situation where he was actually making me more depressed and anxious. When I was on other antidepressants, he would actually play on my "down" days and use them as an opportunity to manipulate me. Once I'd been on effexor regularly, when he would try to get me going by upsetting me, then asking "Have you taken your medication today, honey?" I was able to not get ruffled or upset. I no longer cared enough to let him get to me, nor to keep trying to fix a broken relationship. Perhaps in a healthy relationship, this kind of attitude change could have some dire effects, but in my case, I can say it was for the best. It was probably the only good thing that came from taking Effexor--otherwise it has been hellish.

[Holly Schmidt]

I am writing an article on this very topic for Tango magazine. I am focusing on Rutgers anthropoligist Helen Fisher's hypothesis that SSRI's blunt emotions, making it diffult to connect with others and fall in love. I am looking for women in their 20s and 30s to interview. I can change your name for the story. If you have experienced this side effect, please contact me ASAP at [e-mail].

[stemthetide]

Hi guys. How about you all get off these SSRI's altogether. Do so under full medical supervision; this is very important!!
Then try vitamins and other forms of therapy apart from SSRI's.
Recent studies have shown that SSRI's only mask the real issues and don't deal with them. Further, SSRI's act on the nervous system in a way that is not known by medicine. It is only conjecture. The result is a lot of people become "non environmentally responsive" under certain circumstances while on SSRI's. Trials have taken place that show that many SSRI's actually dim the ability to love or indeed the libido. Which is a very sad affair.
See the book "Toxic Psychiatry" by Dr. Peter Beggin

[Just Wondering]

Has anyone experienced a situation where someone comes off Effexor but the effects are permanent? My ex-wife went on Effexor, had many of the side effects listed in these blogs - her personality changed, she cheated on me, divorced me almost overnight - all stuff that no one in our family understands or saw coming. She has now been off for about a month and still seems very adamant that she never loved me (despite our having been married and together for 15 years, two kids, and very happy together - which even our friends and family agree she never said or showed any signs of being unhappy or not loving me). I know it takes 4 to 6 weeks to clear out of someone's system and she seems somewhat back to her old self except w/respect to our relationship. Am I just in denial or could the effects be permanent (I also realize she could be in denial and unwilling to acknowledge what she has done was wrong). Any info or help would be great.