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Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#1
Feb 27, 2011
 

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on,you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, "The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#2
Feb 27, 2011
 

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A man shouts to his wife, "come and look at my clock!"

She walks in and he's stood stark naked with a hard on - "That's not a clock!" she exclaims.

"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#3
Feb 27, 2011
 

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What can a jelly bean do that a man can't do?

Come in 7 different flavors.

Since: Jul 10

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#4
Feb 27, 2011
 

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LMAO here ..........Good Ones Ganny !!

Level 7

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Kentucky

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#5
Feb 27, 2011
 

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wicked31_5 wrote:
LMAO here ..........Good Ones Ganny !!


Wheres' yours? Post some.

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#6
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Sophies Ganny wrote:
<quoted text>
Wheres' yours? Post some.
I will tomorrow sweet lady ......heading to bed now. Been a long azz day for me. Good Night. Sweet dreams.

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#9
Feb 27, 2011
 

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You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"

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#10
Feb 27, 2011
 

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No milk for you!

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning.
The chickens were out running around, and getting in Little Johnny's
way. In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking
them. His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's
it! No eggs for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon
started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk
for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen
when his father came in from the barn. As he closed the door the
barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen. Johnny's father gave the cat a
kick back outside.
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said "Are you going to tell
him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"

Level 2

Since: Feb 11

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#11
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Me thinks Drinkie better find out the rating on this forum before he posts anything.

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#13
Feb 27, 2011
 
Gringo Whiteycracker wrote:
Thanks for the laughs..You arent wicked ...Youre funny..
Thanks *wink*

Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#14
Feb 27, 2011
 

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wicked31_5 wrote:
<quoted text>Thanks *wink*
He doesn't know you as good as the rest of us, Huh?

Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#17
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Gringo Whiteycracker wrote:
<quoted text>Hey ganny this thread is for jokes..Got one...(;-)>
I started this thread...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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#18
Feb 27, 2011
 
Girls night out

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight".

He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted."

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#19
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Level 7

Since: Mar 10

Kentucky

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#20
Feb 27, 2011
 

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wicked31_5 wrote:
Girls night out
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight".
He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted."
ROTF LMFAO.

Something to remember.
Sniper

Louisville, CO

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#22
Feb 27, 2011
 
Girls....Jeezes...I cant stop laughing..

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#23
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Squeakey wrote:
<quoted text>
True story here.
Some friends and me went camping one weekend last summer.
My blonde sister was with us. We were all drinking pretty heavy, and us girls would go into the woods and potty together.
After about four times, my blond sister was taking an exceptionally long time. So I ask her why?, she replies, "I have came out here and peed 4 times and forgot to bring something to wipe on the last two times. My panties are wet on the inside so I'm turning them ouside in." *She had pulled her shoes and pants off to accomplish this feat.*
After turning the panties over, stumbling around to pull them back up on her, we hear her say "Damn, this side is wet too."
Me, my friend, and our sister-in-law, laughed so hard that night.
We still laugh at her over that one. Could have been the whiskey, could have been the hair color, she is the only one of us who is a natural.
LMAO......... That sounds like the time me and a friend of mine went clubbing. We were outside in the courtyard and of course we had had a few drinks ...she had to pee and just squated down behind a shurb and let it go ......I laughed so hard. Course the people in the court yard got a view ..........she was so drunk she didn't care who saw......... I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember. Goodtimes ..........

Level 2

Since: Feb 11

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#24
Feb 27, 2011
 

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So a little boy is in the tub with his mom taking a bath The boy asks his mom Whats that hairy thing down there? The mom tells her son Thats my sponge The little boy says Oh the babyitter has one too I saw her washing daddy's face

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#26
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Jose and Carlos are both beggars They beg for money in diffeent parts of town Carlos begs the same amount of time as Jose but only collects 8 or 9 dollars a day Every day Jose brings home a suitcase of $10 bills He drives a Mercedes lives in a mortgage free house and has lots of cash to spend. Hey amigo, Carlos says to Jose. I work just as hard and long as you do so how come you bring home a suitcase full of 10 dollar bills every day and I only make a couple bucks? Jose asks Carlos, What does your sign say? Carlos sign reads, I have no work a wife and 6 kids to support. Whats wrong with that?, Carlos asks. Jose says, No wonder you only get 8-9 dollars a day. Carlos asks, What does your sign say? Jose's sign reads, I only need 10 dollars to get back to Mexico....... I apologize to all our PC participants
Sniper

Louisville, CO

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#27
Feb 27, 2011
 

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Sheriff Gringo Whiteycracker was on his way back to town with his prisoner BB Gun, when they started fighting and fell off of the horses on to the ground in a plie of horse shit,,BB Gun wound up with the gun and told sheriff Gringo "now Im going to make you eat the road apples" and so the sheriff Gringo started to eat one and then jumped on BB Gun and wrestled the gun away from him and Sheriff Gringo said" NOW YOU will eat the road apples"..and he wouldn't so sheriff Gringo reached down to BB Gun and stuffed some in his mouth and made him swallow them ..but then BB Gun got up and ran away. Sheriff Gringo got back into town the next day and deputy Obvious said "wheres BB Gun did you see him"?.,,And the Sheriff said "yes I saw him I had lunch with him yesterday"..

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