A Low-Information Voter's Guide to Po...

A Low-Information Voter's Guide to Politics

Posted in the Columbus Forum

Hugh Victor Thompson III

“Larchmont's Leading Citizen”

Since: Dec 12

Hilliard, OH

#1 Apr 17, 2013
Are you typically lost when co-workers discuss current events around the water cooler? Do you have trouble figuring out the national debt or who that Ben Ghazi dude is, but you know exactly what's on Britney Spears' grocery list?

If you think you only deserve fun answers to all life's questions… you're right! This primer will help you look smart and morally superior in any political discussion. Just memorize these big words, explained in easy terms you already know from TMZ and The Daily Show:

BIASED: If you have a weird friend who goes to church and her parents are still married, that's what they are.

ELECTIONS: These are like the Teen Choice Awards: the coolest and most popular wins. Democrats always win because they are cool and popular. Republicans are more like your weird friend's parents.

DEMOCRATS: They are like Javier Bardem from that movie No Country For Old Men: super friendly, cool hair, quick with a joke, only wants what's best for you and completely reasonable and rational if you disagree.

REPUBLICANS: They are like Tony Stark from the Iron Man movies: mean, ugly, unpopular, never says anything cool, and is rich because he stole it from the Middle Class.

SE-QUE-STER: This is just a made-up word that Republicans say to make you feel stupid.

IM-MI-GRA-TION: Whew, that's a long word — just like that velvet rope outside nightclubs. When really fun people arrive, you just open it right up.

QUAN-TI-TA-TIVE EASING: Remember Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can, and how he printed his own checks? Well, that's what the Treasury secretary, Tim Geithner, does. It's really cool.

ECONOMIC STIMULUS: It's like Whitney Houston upping her dosage to get the same high, always needing to use more and more to "chase the dragon."

DEBT CEILING: This is like Lindsay Lohan's probation: by law, she should go to jail if she gets arrested, but we all know she won't.

PUBLIC EDUCATION: Think Memento. Remember how the guy in the movie learned to go through life and fight enemies by relying on snapshots, notes, and tattoos? Public education does that on a national level as a free service.

TRILLION DOLLARS: This is a silly number. If someone says: "The U.S. national debt has topped 16 trillion," take it easy. Remember how Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen life terms while having only one life? Once you owe more than you can pay, numbers stop making sense. Anything above that is free money; spend it fast so you can get more.

TAXES: These are like when a really popular club raises prices and you have to start going to another club that's not as popular and has homeless people standing outside.

FAIR SHARE: Someone you know has three Louis Vuitton handbags and you only have one, but you can get somebody else to force them to give you one of theirs, and then all is fair.

EN-TI-TLE-MENTS: This is like celebrities getting a $30,000 bag of goodies for showing up to the Oscars, so that the givers get more street cred and respect.

FOREIGN POLICY: Think Lady Gaga's world tour: it's totally awesome but can also get weird - like, she's hot in places like Europe and Japan, but gets booed and canceled in places like Indonesia.

IRAN: Think Robert Downey Jr.- he may be calm at the moment, but if he gets his hands on the wrong stuff, he could trash his neighbor's house and pass out naked on the lawn.

Hugh Victor Thompson III

“Larchmont's Leading Citizen”

Since: Dec 12

Hilliard, OH

#3 Apr 17, 2013
Hey, Fry Queen...this was posted with you in mind.
Big Johnson

Columbus, OH

#4 Apr 17, 2013
Hugh Victor Thompson III wrote:
Hey, Fry Queen...this was posted with you in mind.
You are the original low-information poster.

“Tenured Marxist Radical”

Since: Jan 13

Ivy League-ISIS

#5 Apr 17, 2013
Big Johnson wrote:
<quoted text>
You are the original low-information poster.
I don't recall standing in awe of your intellectual mastery.

Hugh Victor Thompson III

“Larchmont's Leading Citizen”

Since: Dec 12

Hilliard, OH

#6 Apr 17, 2013
Big Johnson wrote:
<quoted text>
You are the original low-information poster.
Looks like you read the article and realized it was aimed at you too, Nancy boy.

“Queen of my domain”

Since: May 10

Location hidden

#7 Apr 17, 2013
Big Johnson wrote:
<quoted text>
You are the original low-information poster.
And this out of the mouth of one who only proffers insults and no original thought.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Columbus Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News COTA begins bus line between Downtown, Port Col... 26 min Laughing Out Loud 1
is caitlin jenner still a man? 28 min Mr Cumberbatch 59
California rejects John Wayne Day due to commen... 48 min LMAO 116
News Residents on alert with mass shooting suspect a... 7 hr curiousinpodunk 174
News Rents are on the rise as Franklinton area homes... 7 hr They cannot kill ... 4
Obama "out". 8 hr d pants 15
News Hardee's announces plans for 84 locations in Ohio 10 hr VCNZX 29
More from around the web

Personal Finance

Columbus Mortgages